The Life of a Stay at home Mom

Todays is Daviels birthday... he is 9! where has time gone! One minute I am looking at this little boy, who scared the hell out of me in the beginning.. born blue with blood too thick to run thru his heart, and now, I am looking at this little man who I am so proud of. I watch him grow more and more every day. Some days are hard, but most of them are really great. his anger is his toughest feat, but he will one day have that under control...

It is Christmas and I am having one of those moments. Its after 7am and the kids are still asleep. I am taking a moment to myself. Corey had to go in for a bit, but will be home for lunch. That makes me happy.. he has to work all the holidays..
I am thinking od dad and Timmy and Britt hard today. My dad LOVED Christmas. even before he became Santa, he always had something up his sleeve this time of year. Timmy was the same way. Britt went all out for Christmas.
I catch my tears falling because this is the first Christmas without them. Dad especially. Mom is in Florida with aunt Deb.
I miss you dad and all your shanagans! You made this time of year fun and exciting. It was a game to you for the presents... the boxes with bricks, the search games...I miss you dearly. I know when I call the house, you wont answer. I know when I call, I will hear the hurt in moms voice because this is the first year without your. I know I will cry more than once for you today. I am crying now because I miss you dearly.. So many of you left us behind this year. I am jealous because you get Christmas in heaven this year.... all of you. I know I will see you again, but for now, it still hurts like I cant explain. I have your picture on the wall... the one of you in your Santa suit and bag.. Blayne is so fascinated that my dad is Santa! He never really got to know you, so he truly believes Santa is you. He only sees you in pictures... You will always be our Santa. you will forever be my father...

I checked the mail and my $100 check came in... I can play Santa... dollar general, here I come! they had stuff at 50% off for the kids. I am so happy for this. I was worried I could not do anything... It wont be much, but I can go far with it!

Yesterday was Blaynes birthday. My baby turned 6! Time has just flown by! One day, I was just falling apart because I was pregnant again, and now he sits here as my teacher. I am amazed with him all the time.... just as I am with all my kids. they just do not realize how they have changed my life so much...
tomorrow is Christmas and I am stressed... I am really worried if Santa will come. nothing... I have nothing. I cry at this thought... I cry, but I am greatful for my home and life. I know there are families who do not even have this, but I know it will take a miracle to make this happen. I have asked for help and people have asked for sizes and wants, but here it is less than 24 hours away and I am worried...
kids up. will continue later

things have been really stressful here lately! I dont have the internet anymore and am using a friends computer for a min. I am still looking for a job, but with my past, that is like finding a needle in a haystack! Me and Corey are making it the best we can, but even that is putting a stress on the marriage. I understand how he is feeling and I wish that I could just help more with the bills. I never speak with any of my friends anymore. I hope that if they read this, they will understand what is going on and I miss them and cant wait till I can talk to them. The kids wont stop growing and my newborn is now 3 months and over 17 lbs. It is insane! He is already wearing some of his 6 to 9 month clothes and they fit in all the right places. When I get the chance, I will DL a new pic of him.
I have been making the best of what I have. I still battle with the depression daily, but my kids remind me of what I have! Without them, I would be far from here.
I dont have long. I just wanted to put something in this thing. I will write more when I get the chance.
Till later!

This will be an official bitch entry. This is something that has been bothering me for sometime now and I think I will just put it on here. Lets see who reads it and really pays attention.
I have seen things in the past few months that have been really pissing me off and left to wonder. My first thing to rant on is how people that DON'T work always have money and can pay the bills and go shopping and just sit there and watch people in their OWN FAMILY struggle with the basic necessities. How do they do that knowing there are those who have to worry on how they will even feed their children and themselves. And then they can still have the nerve to look you in the eye and tell you they can't help you with anything, but in the same breath, can tell you of ALL THE THINGS they just went and bought...not necessary things, but bullshit stuff. Or how they just took a trip bc they needed a vacation to get away! Away from what?...they don't fucking work!
How do you lend something to someone (something they know has A LOT of meaning in it and it go from family member to family member and when it gets to them, you can't get the damn thing back. There is an excuse everything you even mention it. My husband bought me an OLD bassinet for my 2nd child and when he outgrew it, we chose to pass it on to the other family members with newborns with the knowledge that it would be returned to me. Well, when it got to the end of the line, and that child is now 13 1/2 months old and it still has not made it to me. I have been asking for this thing since I was 7 months pregnant and now my son will soon be 6weeks old! Every time it is something different. First it was in their storage and the storage was double locked due to non-payment, but yet they told me of all the things they were able to buy with her family's money...but they cant pay that bill? Then it was she got it and cleaned it up and was going to bring it to me...yeah...not yet there. I may seem a little annoyed with this, but it is mine and not theirs. I may not be having anymore children, but it has sentimental meaning to me.
The other day, I got the days mixed-up and the power company came to shut off my lights. I was just going to let them for the one day (till corey got paid) and stay with family till it was paid. Hell, what was one day? So I got a hold of this person and told them I needed the bassinet so my newborn would have a place to sleep while we stayed with family due to the problem. She offered to pay for most of it, but never even mentioned the bassinet. So her and her family came over, we had dinner(that she bought and we cooked), and her and I went to pay the bill. That was the 25th. I told her I needed to get the bassinet from her and maybe we could meet this weekend just to get with me online. Nope... And I was going to get her the money back this weekend, but with the opinions of family and friends, trade a bassinet for 100.00. I have had to wait, so she should have to wait. I got online to check my mail and she sent me a msg that stated she needed the money by this week bc her rent was due and she did not get paid till the 1st... What happened to all the money she had or if her family was buying her another car, then why not use that cash to pay bills... None of my business, but if her husband worked, then maybe her family would not have to support them. Hell, I don't work, but I am back in the mix and have been looking for 2 weeks now. I just had a baby on 12-23 and was pulled from work on 8-31, so that is why my family struggles... I have an interview on Wednesday and it is with a job I really would like to have. It is with Home Depot and I love to work with the public and DON'T want to get back into the restaurant business...12 years of that is plenty! They pay great and have great benefits. I just want to get back to work, so I don't have to watch my husband struggle like he does.
So if you can explain any of this or feel like I am just bitching for the wrong reasons, just let me know! I can say I was wrong...I might still bitch on it, but I will say sorry if I am given a good reason to do so.
Well, I think I have bitched enough. I know this person will read this and just go off, but damn, how many times do I need to ask for what is mine?

How do you know that you are in love? What is it exactly? Well, no one really know, but they seem to have a real good idea. Don't ask why I even think of this, because I really can't tell you. LOL Looking back on things from my past have got me thinking. I believe that you can love a person too much and push them away. You have certain kinds of love and I think people take most of them for granted. You have a friend kind of love, you have that love for a person that cant be explained, you have a love for a parent or relative, and you have that never-ending love for a child. I have friends that I love and would give them the world and I have love someone for reasons that can never be explained. I am totally in love with my husband and my children, I would give them the air I breath.
When you really find that one true love, you feel it...kinda like being hit by a bus. You find yourself missing them for no reason. You can look into their eyes and know what they are thinking. You can sit in a room with them and never speak a word, BUT never feel the uncomfortable silence. You can see you and them in 10 years, and you are still happy and together. You find yourself just wanting them, but not sexual...just the company. When you think of them, you find yourself smiling and shaking your head because you have thought of something goofy they did and that makes you smile more. Heaven forbid you are in public because others don't have a clue and start to think you are crazy! LOL
I was asked the other day by someone in my family how do you know if its for real? I have been thinking of the answer for a few days, and this is what I believe. I told them what I wrote and they smiled. I think he will end up marring this girl. Just to watch them together, you can just see it in their eyes what I am describing. And I really do like the girl. She has a great head on her shoulders and she even asked me if it bothered me they were getting so close. Well you see, this is my "brother" (well brother in law) and I am very protective of him and she is 6 years older. I have seen him get absolutely...fucked by girls. But this one is different. She has her shit together and her own place and makes her own money! She is open and does not try to sugarcoat anything and she treats my brother like he should be treated. I know they both even are crossing that line between like and love and it is scaring the hell out of both of them.
But if you think about it, how do you control those feelings? How do you prevent it from crossing that line? You can't! Yeah, you can run from it, but trust me, IT WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS ONE DAY! LOL
Not so long ago, I found myself crossing that line. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret what I did to everyone in the process and how many I hurt. I watched the eyes of my husband and the other person just die when I told them the truth of it all. I tried to hide the feelings I had and never listened to it all. I crushed two people. I am not happy with what I did and I am working on mending the past to work on the future! I did some real stupid things that I am not proud of. I did love the other person, but my love for my husband was stronger. I just let things get too far and when I realized what happened, I was too far in. I learned a lot of things from this. I know it will take time for all the wounds to heal and for the trust to REALLY come back. I lost my best friend in all of this. I let the lines cross without thinking of who it would hurt. I never thought of that. I only though of me and never of those who were around me.
That is where love is a bitch! You can see the world in someone's eyes, but then here comes another that you can allow yourself to cross the line of friendship, and then the whole world changes. What causes you to want that "desire"? I know that many things can contribute to this, but why not just try to fix it? What makes you give up so easy? What makes the heart look for something different and never realize what is at stake? That is where all the comments come in at...the opinions.
I am glad for the decisions I made and even though Corey and I have had our differences and the other one taught me more than anyone realizes, I am happy with my husband. I don't regret what I have chosen in my life. My only regrets are who all got hurt during this period.
Well that is just some food for thought. What is love and how do you know? I feel I know, but do I? What I feel and want for my husband makes me think I do. But that is just my opinion!
later

The past few days have been weird. There has been a lot of talk of my past between me and Corey. I guess he he still trying to figure out what really happened with him and I. Gwendy has been talking to him about me, her, and the person unsaid could go and hang out. "Would he trust me then?" I know that he trust me and I can understand why he wont let me see them. I just want him to understand that I don't want to cross that line of friendship and ruin what him and I have worked so hard for. I don't want to screw things up with him and I. I just wish he did understand that the unsaid and I were friends before anything ever came between us. They were the only one who ever listened to what I had to say. I don't know and really don't want to make things hard here for either of us.
Well, as i have said b4, Gwendy has been staying with up to help me out and for the company. Well, the other day, she came home after getting a job at the WH with 2 friends of hers. One of them was wanting to look at the Explorer to buy it. Well, she was just off the walls and then told me she was just fucked up. I confronted her and she did not remember telling me that. I just let it go. Well then last night, she came after work and she was just out of it. She said she had been up since 4. Well, she did stay with Smoke and they were up till after 12 and she had to get up at 4 to go to work, so when she fell asleep on the couch, i did not bother her. Well, then she got up about 2 hrs later and did not even remember how she got here and looked like death! Corey was speachless bc he came in at the same time she did. She did not even remember driving here from D'ville. What the hell! Well Corey had to go help Mr. Ralph and I'll be damned if she did not get 2 small blue pills from a aspirin bottle. When I asked her what they were, what she told me was not that. I know those were not them, bc what she told me were not that color. I got furious. i went to smoke and when I came back in (not even 10 min later) she was out again on the couch. She was up long enought to get a bath and that was it. And she did not even let out the water! Well, she talks in her sleep and I started to ask questions. One of my questions were if she was doing that shit again and she just kept saying that she did not need to get into that again and how she could not believe she did that and blah blah blah. I asked her if she was lit the other day and she said yes. I asked her what were the blue pills and she said they were her moms and she just could not sleep and needed them. I just let her talk and just tell me how she has been on pills again and did not like what she was doing. I ended up walking away bc i could feel myself getting even more pissed with each word.
I just worry for her and don't want her to get on that shit again. We have taken her in with no questions and helped her and she has helped up. Her family, according to her and what little we have seen, is not there.
Me, corey, and Matt talked about it last night and were going to talk to her more about it, but then Smoke came over and she left with him. And that is another story in itself! Hell, when she left, she could barley keep her eyes open and I begged her to stay here and just get some rest, but she insisted on going to his house and leaving from there to go to work. Just call her about 530-545 to make sure she was awake. Well, I did and he said she wont wake up. she did not get here till 615 and had to be at work at 645. Hell, she did not leave till 625. Wonder if she made it on time? IDK. I know she is 22, but damn if she don't act like she is 12 sometimes.
Well, I think I have bitched enough....probably not!, but what good is it going to really do! She said she will be here after work and I think her and I will need to have a heart to heart about what all she told me. she knows I can't stand someone to lie to me when I am being honest with you. WE'LL SEE!
LATER

You ever took the time to just look at the lives of others around you and wonder if they have the same issues as u have? Gwendy has been staying with us for a few days and her and I have gotten real close and I have finally gotten her to talk. She just broke down with me today and all I wanted to do was get up and hug her and tell her it will be alright. I didn't bc I knew that if I did, then she would shut down again. I am worried about her. I am proud of her for all that she has done with herself. She got really bad there for a while and finally hit rock bottom. she got herself into rehab and has been clean for almost 3 months now. Now she has to deal with her mom and dad. Mom has multiple personalities and dad is a drunk that starts at daylight and stops when he goes to bed. She has now tried to hide with drinking and i told her that was not going to work bc all she was doing was hiding it and when she came down, it would be much worse than b4 and that was not good. I just let her vent today and just thought of my past and told her that I had been there and it was going to just take time and she had to work on her and then others. she really had tried to work on things at home, but her parents are just not letting go of her past and all she is trying to do is move on to the future. Hell, I just like to see her happy. She has been a life savior for me the past few days. It is really nice having someone to talk to during the day and it makes the housework go much faster also. She really is a good girl that was dealt a bad hand in life. She deserves so much more than she is getting and I am glad that she really trust me with her feelings when I am not even blood. She told me that I was someone that understood her and never once judged her. I told her I could never do that bc I was once there and knew just what she was going thru. I just did mine when I was younger and learned from it. I also told her to stop trying to choose her destiny. . . to stop trying to manipulate her destiny. She can influence it by what she chooses to do with herself, but that was it. Only God can determine your destiny. I think she understood and now is understanding that she needs to stop trying to control every aspect on her life and work on just making it one day at a time.
I just worry that she is going to end up like her dad and replace the drugs with the drinking. She has done good today and I let her have one drink just to take the edge off. She went to take a nap and said she did not want to talk anymore and I just let it go and did not say anything else. She will come around when she is ready to. I am not going to push it. I know what she is going thru and know that wont make anything any easier.
Lex will be home soon and I am hoping she had a good day at school. I think she did. She is working on it and I think things will get better with time. I am sure I will write about it later. If not, like they say, what don't kill us will only make us stronger!
later~~~~~~~

I finally hit the breaking point on Sunday. I finally just fell apart. It all started on Saturday, when Gwendy, Smoke, and Sheila came over and we had a "mini" party. We had a blast and I have the pics to prove it! I was very drunk and passed out in bed about 3am. I woke up Sunday and everything that I was trying to hide just came at me like a ton of bricks. Smoke came down and that just made things worse. Corey was acting like I did something wrong and did not hardly talk to me. I went on the back porch and just fell apart. Corey came out there and I just let into him. He kept throwing my past at me and that made things worse. I just kept trying to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him and to stop making it about him. I tried to get him to understand that this was about me and only me! I was suffering from SEVERE depression and was in need of help or just another adult to talk to. I know that he has tried to talk to me, but waiting till there are people around and not just taking me to another room or off somewhere, I just didn't want to fall apart in front of everyone. I told him that and after I screamed and yelled and told him off a few times, things started to feel better. I could just feel the pressure fall off of me as I just let everything out! I finally got to him and he finally understood where I was coming from and just let me talk. That is all that I needed from him. . . just to listen to me and not make any assumptions on what was going on. He did get defensive at first and thought I was telling him I was wanting to leave again. God no. I never even had that thought. I just felt like I was trapped within myself and could not get out. I finally got him to see this. I reminded him of when he went through this and I never knew that he even had the thoughts of suicide. Like I told him, I just felt alone with a house full of people.
I feel so much better now. I feel like I have took the world off my shoulders and told it to fuck off! I look at my kids differently and find myself not yelling near as much. I know this will be a long road for me, but now that I have gotten the major things off my chest, I can handle the small things.
I still having troubles with lex and am at the final with her. she went back to school on Jan 4 and everyday since then, she has gotten in trouble and her teacher called me yesterday and her and I are going to get with the school councilor and see what she can get out of lex. I have talked to her Dr and he said we have to start somewhere. He is trying to steer from putting her on pills and I am willing to try anything right now. I really worry about her and she said last night that she just wants to stay home and look out for me and the kids. She feels guilty about going to school and we get or have to stay here. Corey tried to explain to her that when Daviel gets older, he will go and then so will Blayne. I don't know what is going on with her. I know she does not like that they get to stay home with me and she can't. I just know that there is so much more going on with her then she is telling us and that bothers me a lot. I want to take all of her pain away from her and just let her feel only love and joy.
I went to the school and the councilor will be out till Tuesday. I am to meet with her and the assistant councilor about Lex then. We are going to try to get a plan together and see what we can do for her. I think when she realizes there are so many that just want to be there for her and just help her with everything, she will start to talk and get things out. I know that this will take time, but I am willing to give as much time as is needed.
Well, she got off the bus and she had a great day. She did not get into any trouble and got all of her work done today. I told her I was proud of her and if she did it tomorrow, she could have her prize. (that I bought for her on Monday! and still have not given it to her) I told her if she had 2 days in a row, then she could have it. I told her that if she could do it for a week, the I would give her ice cream money on Friday. I am trying to give her something to work for. We will see.
i am going to get things done. I will write later