just to vent LOL
I finally hit the breaking point on Sunday. I finally just fell apart. It all started on Saturday, when Gwendy, Smoke, and Sheila came over and we had a "mini" party. We had a blast and I have the pics to prove it! I was very drunk and passed out in bed about 3am. I woke up Sunday and everything that I was trying to hide just came at me like a ton of bricks. Smoke came down and that just made things worse. Corey was acting like I did something wrong and did not hardly talk to me. I went on the back porch and just fell apart. Corey came out there and I just let into him. He kept throwing my past at me and that made things worse. I just kept trying to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him and to stop making it about him. I tried to get him to understand that this was about me and only me! I was suffering from SEVERE depression and was in need of help or just another adult to talk to. I know that he has tried to talk to me, but waiting till there are people around and not just taking me to another room or off somewhere, I just didn't want to fall apart in front of everyone. I told him that and after I screamed and yelled and told him off a few times, things started to feel better. I could just feel the pressure fall off of me as I just let everything out! I finally got to him and he finally understood where I was coming from and just let me talk. That is all that I needed from him. . . just to listen to me and not make any assumptions on what was going on. He did get defensive at first and thought I was telling him I was wanting to leave again. God no. I never even had that thought. I just felt like I was trapped within myself and could not get out. I finally got him to see this. I reminded him of when he went through this and I never knew that he even had the thoughts of suicide. Like I told him, I just felt alone with a house full of people.
I feel so much better now. I feel like I have took the world off my shoulders and told it to fuck off! I look at my kids differently and find myself not yelling near as much. I know this will be a long road for me, but now that I have gotten the major things off my chest, I can handle the small things.
I still having troubles with lex and am at the final with her. she went back to school on Jan 4 and everyday since then, she has gotten in trouble and her teacher called me yesterday and her and I are going to get with the school councilor and see what she can get out of lex. I have talked to her Dr and he said we have to start somewhere. He is trying to steer from putting her on pills and I am willing to try anything right now. I really worry about her and she said last night that she just wants to stay home and look out for me and the kids. She feels guilty about going to school and we get or have to stay here. Corey tried to explain to her that when Daviel gets older, he will go and then so will Blayne. I don't know what is going on with her. I know she does not like that they get to stay home with me and she can't. I just know that there is so much more going on with her then she is telling us and that bothers me a lot. I want to take all of her pain away from her and just let her feel only love and joy.
I went to the school and the councilor will be out till Tuesday. I am to meet with her and the assistant councilor about Lex then. We are going to try to get a plan together and see what we can do for her. I think when she realizes there are so many that just want to be there for her and just help her with everything, she will start to talk and get things out. I know that this will take time, but I am willing to give as much time as is needed.
Well, she got off the bus and she had a great day. She did not get into any trouble and got all of her work done today. I told her I was proud of her and if she did it tomorrow, she could have her prize. (that I bought for her on Monday! and still have not given it to her) I told her if she had 2 days in a row, then she could have it. I told her that if she could do it for a week, the I would give her ice cream money on Friday. I am trying to give her something to work for. We will see.
i am going to get things done. I will write later
I feel so much better now. I feel like I have took the world off my shoulders and told it to fuck off! I look at my kids differently and find myself not yelling near as much. I know this will be a long road for me, but now that I have gotten the major things off my chest, I can handle the small things.
I still having troubles with lex and am at the final with her. she went back to school on Jan 4 and everyday since then, she has gotten in trouble and her teacher called me yesterday and her and I are going to get with the school councilor and see what she can get out of lex. I have talked to her Dr and he said we have to start somewhere. He is trying to steer from putting her on pills and I am willing to try anything right now. I really worry about her and she said last night that she just wants to stay home and look out for me and the kids. She feels guilty about going to school and we get or have to stay here. Corey tried to explain to her that when Daviel gets older, he will go and then so will Blayne. I don't know what is going on with her. I know she does not like that they get to stay home with me and she can't. I just know that there is so much more going on with her then she is telling us and that bothers me a lot. I want to take all of her pain away from her and just let her feel only love and joy.
I went to the school and the councilor will be out till Tuesday. I am to meet with her and the assistant councilor about Lex then. We are going to try to get a plan together and see what we can do for her. I think when she realizes there are so many that just want to be there for her and just help her with everything, she will start to talk and get things out. I know that this will take time, but I am willing to give as much time as is needed.
Well, she got off the bus and she had a great day. She did not get into any trouble and got all of her work done today. I told her I was proud of her and if she did it tomorrow, she could have her prize. (that I bought for her on Monday! and still have not given it to her) I told her if she had 2 days in a row, then she could have it. I told her that if she could do it for a week, the I would give her ice cream money on Friday. I am trying to give her something to work for. We will see.
i am going to get things done. I will write later