Resources for Ex-Gay Survivors
Resources, information, links and videos for ex-gay survivors.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2…
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2…
Let's get this community back to life!!!!!
Ok Safespace Here it goes...
I am only sixteen now but i feel like i am 50. I have been through both physical and mental abuse. I AM a survivor.
My life of tragedy began when i was not yet 3, My mom was a stripper and she locked me and my two brothers in the basement while she partied away forgetting her 3 kids were even there. I remember walking out of the basement and seeing my mom dancing on the table naked. She then threw a beer bottle across some guys head. What a great memory of your mom huh?
My life continued like that untill i was about 5 and the courts took me away from her and found my dad in Texas for me and my baby brother to lve with. When i moved in with dad things were good for awhile untill we moved in with my grandparents. One night when i was six my grandpa had too much to drink and he came in my room and started touching my breasts. this continued for quite some time. When i was 8 my dad got his own place again. Dad got married to my babysitter and they had a little girl. My dad worked alot and my babysitter who was now my "new" mom smoked pot and did cocain and went out. I was left to watch my newborn sister, 3 year old sister, and my 7 year old brother.
I was a makeshift mother at age 8 and when my dad and my babysitter divorced my baby sister who was three cried for me as her mom instead of her mom. I never thought after i went through 3 years of parenting when it wasn't my job and i was definantly not ready to be a parent. My dad was soon married to another woman. She had a daughter that was only a year younger than myself. We shared a bedroom and fought alot. It seemed like i was never ungrounded when her daughter was there because her daughter would do things and blame it on me. Of course mommy dearest would believe her daughter more than a kid she hardly knew. We moved to a city when i was 11 and it was ok for a while but then we moved back to a small town and I guess my dad only wanted two kids because he sent me away to live with my grandparents as if i didn't matter anymore in his life.
My grandpa started ouching me again and i was now 12 or 13 i don't remember. The touches were ill and he didn't stop with just my breasts this time he wanted me to dress "pretty" for him and he started touching my private. It went on untill last year. I turned 15. I was always afraid to say something to anyone because my grandpa would be mad. I finally told my friends only after i sunk into depression and started thinking of scuicide because who needs a kid that thinks poorly of themselves and highly of others just like her?
I tried commiting Scuicide twice and when they failed i started cutting. I gained weight fast and haven't been able to lose it. I recently met my mom after the 11 years we were apart and am living with her.
Does anyone have any ideas how i can cope with the past to make me stronger in the future.?? How do i tell my mom all of the things i remember about my past without her getting upset??
help please
<3
Atheena
My life of tragedy began when i was not yet 3, My mom was a stripper and she locked me and my two brothers in the basement while she partied away forgetting her 3 kids were even there. I remember walking out of the basement and seeing my mom dancing on the table naked. She then threw a beer bottle across some guys head. What a great memory of your mom huh?
My life continued like that untill i was about 5 and the courts took me away from her and found my dad in Texas for me and my baby brother to lve with. When i moved in with dad things were good for awhile untill we moved in with my grandparents. One night when i was six my grandpa had too much to drink and he came in my room and started touching my breasts. this continued for quite some time. When i was 8 my dad got his own place again. Dad got married to my babysitter and they had a little girl. My dad worked alot and my babysitter who was now my "new" mom smoked pot and did cocain and went out. I was left to watch my newborn sister, 3 year old sister, and my 7 year old brother.
I was a makeshift mother at age 8 and when my dad and my babysitter divorced my baby sister who was three cried for me as her mom instead of her mom. I never thought after i went through 3 years of parenting when it wasn't my job and i was definantly not ready to be a parent. My dad was soon married to another woman. She had a daughter that was only a year younger than myself. We shared a bedroom and fought alot. It seemed like i was never ungrounded when her daughter was there because her daughter would do things and blame it on me. Of course mommy dearest would believe her daughter more than a kid she hardly knew. We moved to a city when i was 11 and it was ok for a while but then we moved back to a small town and I guess my dad only wanted two kids because he sent me away to live with my grandparents as if i didn't matter anymore in his life.
My grandpa started ouching me again and i was now 12 or 13 i don't remember. The touches were ill and he didn't stop with just my breasts this time he wanted me to dress "pretty" for him and he started touching my private. It went on untill last year. I turned 15. I was always afraid to say something to anyone because my grandpa would be mad. I finally told my friends only after i sunk into depression and started thinking of scuicide because who needs a kid that thinks poorly of themselves and highly of others just like her?
I tried commiting Scuicide twice and when they failed i started cutting. I gained weight fast and haven't been able to lose it. I recently met my mom after the 11 years we were apart and am living with her.
Does anyone have any ideas how i can cope with the past to make me stronger in the future.?? How do i tell my mom all of the things i remember about my past without her getting upset??
help please
<3
Atheena
-
-
depressed
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Ok
I am new here and i have been having a hard time coping with my past. I hope i can talk about some of the things i have been through and have possitive feedback. I was told i needed a possitive support system and i am not finding anyone to trust in my off-line life right now...
Please help...
<3
Atheena
Please help...
<3
Atheena
Dear Group,
Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link
Here is the correct spelling. I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.
Sugar and spice and everything nice.
This is suppose to every little girls life.
What happens when life is not like that?
What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?
For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.
What happens when the police will not stop this?
Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.
The next thing to do is go to the court.
What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?
The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.
In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.
If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?
Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?
Now, what will you do?!
This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn
referral sources:
www.courageouskids.net
Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.htm
Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/2
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.ht
Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconfere
Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/online/5918.ht
Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.
Tell someone!
Demand answers!
Demand the children's truth!
Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!
No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!
****Please don't forget us!****
Here is the correct spelling. I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.
Sugar and spice and everything nice.
This is suppose to every little girls life.
What happens when life is not like that?
What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?
For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.
What happens when the police will not stop this?
Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.
The next thing to do is go to the court.
What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?
The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.
In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.
If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?
Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?
Now, what will you do?!
This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn
referral sources:
www.courageouskids.net
Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.htm
Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/2
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.ht
Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconfere
Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/online/5918.ht
Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.
Tell someone!
Demand answers!
Demand the children's truth!
Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!
No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!
****Please don't forget us!****
-
- sad
-
trigger
Sugar and spice and everything nice.
This is suppose to every little girls life.
What happens when life is not like that?
What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?
For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.
What happens when the police will not stop this?
Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.
The next thing to do is go to the court.
What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?
The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.
In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.
If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?
Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?
Now, what will you do?!
This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn
referral sources:
www.courageouskids.net
Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilen…
Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertai…
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/…
Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyc…
Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/../5918.…
Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.
Tell someone!
Demand answers!
Demand the children's truth!
Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!
No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!
****Please don't forget us!**********
This is suppose to every little girls life.
What happens when life is not like that?
What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?
For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.
What happens when the police will not stop this?
Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.
The next thing to do is go to the court.
What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?
The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.
In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.
If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?
Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?
Now, what will you do?!
This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn
referral sources:
www.courageouskids.net
Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilen…
Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertai…
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/…
Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyc…
Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/../5918.…
Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.
Tell someone!
Demand answers!
Demand the children's truth!
Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!
No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!
****Please don't forget us!**********
-
- sad
-
(no subject)
http://chaossix6.livejournal.com/3…
This is my reaction to an episode of Orpah that I watched. It featured a NY Jets wide receiver that just came forward about being sexually abused.
This is my reaction to an episode of Orpah that I watched. It featured a NY Jets wide receiver that just came forward about being sexually abused.
looking for some advice/friends and comfort
x-posted!
hello, looking for LJ friends and friends in the area I guess. I have a lot on my mind and would love the comments from others, hopefully some advice too. i'm from the dc area.
sam!
hello, looking for LJ friends and friends in the area I guess. I have a lot on my mind and would love the comments from others, hopefully some advice too. i'm from the dc area.
sam!
Upset with myself
Heard from an old friend today, and oddly enough, it worries me.
Kimberley was someone I knew back in my high school days, well before any transition, for either of us. We both mixed in wargaming circles and both have a warped sense of humour. Kimberley turned up twice before.
The first time was four years into my transition, when I got e-mails out of the blue. She'd only just started transition, and wanted to come and visit me. I was in Carrington at the time and she drove up from Sydney. It was a tense time, though back then I wasn't sure why. When she first contacted me, she let me know a few details from our that upset me.
For a few years in the early 90s I ran Chameleons - a Cross dresser/Transsexual support group. At one point I was the only one doing anything, like putting out a newsletter or running meetings. Anyway, I wasn't quite "out" back then or had even begun my transition. Part of the deal with meetings was "being dressed" and waiting at a table in a room, which could be seen from the entrance down a corridor. I put myself on display so that others would also turn up. Apparently (when she was still in boy mode) one night they snuck up to the windows, peered in and saw it was me, and chickened off.
The other occasion was when we had dinner with a mutual friend, whom we knew from SF circles. Both of us were still fronting as men back then. Anyway I came out at the dinner that I was going to start gender transition in a month or so. Kimberley later revealed that she was going to do the same thing that dinner, but stayed quiet when I announced mine first!
Knowing this stuff upset me. Putting myself "on the line" meeting after meeting wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. Having someone I knew from my past turn up would, after the initial surprise and upset, have made things easier. Likewise my initial experiences in gender transition. I continued to correspond briefly with her via e-mail and we had a minor "falling out". I guess I felt that she was too familiar with me, and when, following up on that she rebutted some advice I gave, I was a bit pissed off.
The second time she turned up was when I visited a friend of mine recovering from re-assignment surgery down in Sydney. I was glad I went, but my friend mentioned that the surgeon always does two girls on a Monday, and why don't I visit the other one. Well, it turned out to be Kimberley. I was happy for her, but I was also very envious. I hadn't got my surgery at that time, and was upset that she'd got hers first! I know that it's not a race, but I guess the old high school and wargaming rivalries came to the fore. I didn't want to feel that way, but what the feelings did show me, was how strong my need for surgery was.
Later, when it came to deciding which surgeon to go for my own surgery, I sent an e-mail to her to ask about her results, but it bounced. After a lot of hunting, I sent another one via a contacts page that she used to have. Months later, after I'd already decided, I got a brief reply. And then no contact for over four years.
This morning I got an e-mail from her, saying how she was in Britain with her boyfriend and about some of the stuff they were doing, and how she was going to do a web comic soon. Well, I'm not sure why, but this has upset me. It seems that whenever I encounter her in the past, I feel like I'm obliged to compare my life to hers. She does software engineering or some such, earns a good income and seems really happy.
I ought to be happy for her, but all I really seem to feel is annoyed and upset. It just seems like her apparent ease of transition and post-op success brings my own struggles and ongoing poverty into sharp relief. My home and car are falling apart around me while I juggle bills and keep all the pets fed and safe. I still suffer from intense bouts of loneliness, and have an issue about losing my virginity (for a third time) that means something when maybe it oughtn't.
Sigh
It's like Kimberley always seem to know more about me than I do about her, and her lack of action (or sometimes because of those actions) affect what I do. I don't want that - I don't feel like I'm on an "even footing" with this person, but I can't just say "FUCK OFF" either. Maybe it's not really her, but me doing this. So I guess the bottom line for me is that I'm dissatisfied with lots of areas in my life. Maybe she's just a mirror that I use to reflect the points I'm unhappy with.
But if that's the case, I need to look at what it is, and why I'm unsatisfied. Certainly the money side is obvious -- it's bloody difficult getting by on a disability allowance. And my social life sucks, in that everything needs just that extra effort for it to work. I just spent two weeks going to social events that didn't happen, so I suppose I'm a bit raw on the issues. And my sex life is, well non-existent and I have issues over "losing my virginity". Sheesh, no wonder I feel a mess.
Kimberley was someone I knew back in my high school days, well before any transition, for either of us. We both mixed in wargaming circles and both have a warped sense of humour. Kimberley turned up twice before.
The first time was four years into my transition, when I got e-mails out of the blue. She'd only just started transition, and wanted to come and visit me. I was in Carrington at the time and she drove up from Sydney. It was a tense time, though back then I wasn't sure why. When she first contacted me, she let me know a few details from our that upset me.
For a few years in the early 90s I ran Chameleons - a Cross dresser/Transsexual support group. At one point I was the only one doing anything, like putting out a newsletter or running meetings. Anyway, I wasn't quite "out" back then or had even begun my transition. Part of the deal with meetings was "being dressed" and waiting at a table in a room, which could be seen from the entrance down a corridor. I put myself on display so that others would also turn up. Apparently (when she was still in boy mode) one night they snuck up to the windows, peered in and saw it was me, and chickened off.
The other occasion was when we had dinner with a mutual friend, whom we knew from SF circles. Both of us were still fronting as men back then. Anyway I came out at the dinner that I was going to start gender transition in a month or so. Kimberley later revealed that she was going to do the same thing that dinner, but stayed quiet when I announced mine first!
Knowing this stuff upset me. Putting myself "on the line" meeting after meeting wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. Having someone I knew from my past turn up would, after the initial surprise and upset, have made things easier. Likewise my initial experiences in gender transition. I continued to correspond briefly with her via e-mail and we had a minor "falling out". I guess I felt that she was too familiar with me, and when, following up on that she rebutted some advice I gave, I was a bit pissed off.
The second time she turned up was when I visited a friend of mine recovering from re-assignment surgery down in Sydney. I was glad I went, but my friend mentioned that the surgeon always does two girls on a Monday, and why don't I visit the other one. Well, it turned out to be Kimberley. I was happy for her, but I was also very envious. I hadn't got my surgery at that time, and was upset that she'd got hers first! I know that it's not a race, but I guess the old high school and wargaming rivalries came to the fore. I didn't want to feel that way, but what the feelings did show me, was how strong my need for surgery was.
Later, when it came to deciding which surgeon to go for my own surgery, I sent an e-mail to her to ask about her results, but it bounced. After a lot of hunting, I sent another one via a contacts page that she used to have. Months later, after I'd already decided, I got a brief reply. And then no contact for over four years.
This morning I got an e-mail from her, saying how she was in Britain with her boyfriend and about some of the stuff they were doing, and how she was going to do a web comic soon. Well, I'm not sure why, but this has upset me. It seems that whenever I encounter her in the past, I feel like I'm obliged to compare my life to hers. She does software engineering or some such, earns a good income and seems really happy.
I ought to be happy for her, but all I really seem to feel is annoyed and upset. It just seems like her apparent ease of transition and post-op success brings my own struggles and ongoing poverty into sharp relief. My home and car are falling apart around me while I juggle bills and keep all the pets fed and safe. I still suffer from intense bouts of loneliness, and have an issue about losing my virginity (for a third time) that means something when maybe it oughtn't.
Sigh
It's like Kimberley always seem to know more about me than I do about her, and her lack of action (or sometimes because of those actions) affect what I do. I don't want that - I don't feel like I'm on an "even footing" with this person, but I can't just say "FUCK OFF" either. Maybe it's not really her, but me doing this. So I guess the bottom line for me is that I'm dissatisfied with lots of areas in my life. Maybe she's just a mirror that I use to reflect the points I'm unhappy with.
But if that's the case, I need to look at what it is, and why I'm unsatisfied. Certainly the money side is obvious -- it's bloody difficult getting by on a disability allowance. And my social life sucks, in that everything needs just that extra effort for it to work. I just spent two weeks going to social events that didn't happen, so I suppose I'm a bit raw on the issues. And my sex life is, well non-existent and I have issues over "losing my virginity". Sheesh, no wonder I feel a mess.
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- uncomfortable
-
(no subject)
i am new to this whole LJ thing and only stared one on the advice of a friend that it people in communities like this will have experiences and thoughts that can 'help me'. i have posted part of this story in various other communities but never this as only my husband and 1 close friend know. When i was 15 i met this guy while surfing. he was maybe 23 or 24 and like, the hottest guy on earth to me. Over the summer i tried to get close to him and hang out with him and his mates which put my friends offside a bit. He invited me to a beach party which i went to. he fed me alcohol which i happily consumed. i had never really 'gotten drunk' before and it was a new exciting thing for me. i remember having 3 or 4 drinks. The rest of the night is pretty much a blur. i woke up in the guys van and knew something had happened. I never went to the police or anything but im pretty sure i was drugged. My best friend Archie, who ended up being my husband, was really pissed off at me because i had blown him off to go out with this guy so our friendship sorta fizzled. about a month later i took a pregnancy test and found out i was pregnant. the first person i went to was Archie. He told me he would help me with whatever i wanted to do and i ended up having an abortion.
now, I'm 20 years old, separated from my husband, pregnant and involved with the father of my baby. we are living together in the house my husband bought for me when we got married. He is 5 years older than me, has a steady job, high income and can take care of me well. When i told him i was pregnant he seemed very happy about the whole thing and moved into the house with me. he was treathing me like a queen, making sure i was relaxed and not overdoing things. To this day i ams still friends with my husband and we used to talk 3 or 4 times a week. my boyfriend wasnt too happy about the arrangement and i comprimised and stopped the frequent conversations. My husband came over to the house last week to collect some stuff he didnt take when he moved out. we got talking and ended up having coffee and stuff at the house and talking for a few hours. my boyfriend, Andy, came home and sorta was pissed off about the whole thing. Archie left and i tried to explain what happened to andy and we ended up in a huge argument. he hit me a few times, resulting in bruising around my face. the same thing happened a few nights after.
He wanted me to have sex with him the other night but i didnt really feel up for it. i am bruised and sore and not really feeling too good about my looks so the last thing i wanted to do was have sex. I told him no but he persisted. He ended up on top of me and was quite rough...leaving bruises on my wrists and thighs. once he was on me i stopped asking him to stop so we had sex. After i tried to get out of bed b ut he puulled me back and held me. he kissed the back of my head and told me he loves me and went to sleep.
now, I'm 20 years old, separated from my husband, pregnant and involved with the father of my baby. we are living together in the house my husband bought for me when we got married. He is 5 years older than me, has a steady job, high income and can take care of me well. When i told him i was pregnant he seemed very happy about the whole thing and moved into the house with me. he was treathing me like a queen, making sure i was relaxed and not overdoing things. To this day i ams still friends with my husband and we used to talk 3 or 4 times a week. my boyfriend wasnt too happy about the arrangement and i comprimised and stopped the frequent conversations. My husband came over to the house last week to collect some stuff he didnt take when he moved out. we got talking and ended up having coffee and stuff at the house and talking for a few hours. my boyfriend, Andy, came home and sorta was pissed off about the whole thing. Archie left and i tried to explain what happened to andy and we ended up in a huge argument. he hit me a few times, resulting in bruising around my face. the same thing happened a few nights after.
He wanted me to have sex with him the other night but i didnt really feel up for it. i am bruised and sore and not really feeling too good about my looks so the last thing i wanted to do was have sex. I told him no but he persisted. He ended up on top of me and was quite rough...leaving bruises on my wrists and thighs. once he was on me i stopped asking him to stop so we had sex. After i tried to get out of bed b ut he puulled me back and held me. he kissed the back of my head and told me he loves me and went to sleep.