Heart Opening Breakthrough
Ok, its been years since I've written in here...again. I have no doubt that no one remembers me here. However, all my other blogs are pretty public. I want to get this out before I make it public.
My husband/sons dad/soul twin and I have been apart for 2 and 1/2 years now, the longest break ever. I've had other relationships during that break, but they didnt last very long.
He and I had gotten together a few times since Novemeber. It wasn't planned. I had just been with another lover, but with this other lover, something was always off. It wasn't a relationship, no committment, no deep feeling in love feelings.
So after the 4th time of getting together with my ex, he decided to stop meeting that way. I don't blame him, after this past weekend, I now finally understand.
I went to a Shamanic Heart Opening, Sacred Medicine Ceremony experience that had people trained as a facilitators to support people through the process. The training and teachings came from Peru, and the sacred medicine was given to each participant specific to what they needed. I felt I was finally ready for this, and my dear sweet friend who helped me realize the potential of this, guided me gently to get there, with assurance, conversations, and comfort as though I had a friend. That helped me to get through the door. The rest was on me.
The Shaman clearly felt it was my time to break open my heart. She had given me several pills to help me unravel my heart. This was sacred medicine, not hallucinogens. I did not hallucinate in any way during the entire experience. I had done enormous work with Landmark to help break open my heart, but I feel this was even more profound, deeper into my soul, breaking open my identity, and helped unravel my lifetime of personality and charatcer patterns. I learned that I am the 9 of clubs on the outside, but on the inside I am the Queen of Hearts!
The Queen of Hearts is who has dominated my personality, and I learned with every ounce of my being, that all the abuse I received from my mother, I had recreated in my behaviors towards the man I love more than anyone in the world; the man I had insulted, labeled as narcissistic, psychopathic and abusive on many forums, blogs and such and was trying to figure out how to be with someone like that. I learned that it wasn't him who I had to learn to be with, but it was my way of thinking and acting that was causing him to become that. Yes, he has stress, and has anger, sometimes huge, but that I intensified it, by my not listening, by my blaming, making wrong, and by my hurting him to the point of perhaps making him feel abused. I did not acknowledge, or thank him, and appreciate him in any way. Nothing was good enough, and I hurt him. I was the dominant Queen of Hearts, who had a locked heart, was judgmental, guarded and my own heart was locked with a key inside myself. No one could break it open, because it was him I loved, and it was him that I directed all that anger towards. No wonder he felt hurt by me. No wonder, he was protective, and no wonder he didnt feel safe. I created that.
I realize I had to heal to the depths of my being in therapy and other programs and modalities before I could even come to this conclusion. And, I also realize he may never forgive me, or be able to heal the hurt I caused in him. But if I can continue doing this Shamanic work, keep my heart open, and share my awareness with him, let him know he's the most wonderful and greatest man I've ever known, and keep loving him, maybe in the future a miracle will happen. And, at least my heart will be filled more with peace for knowing I let him know everything he had been trying to tell me for many many years. Others in the program feel I may be able to heal my marriage with him, for taking ownership and responsibility for how I now know and realize I treated him before.
We are in our 40s now, and my therapist of many years only saw good in me. He never saw the part of me E saw in me, because I only portrayed that behavior in front of him. He was the direct target. And I see so clearly that is exactly how it was with my mom. I felt abused and tormented by her, and everyone else that knew her, thought she was a saint and the kindest and most friendly woman they knew. I remember how hurt I felt when people told me this, because my experience of her was very different.
If I can stay in my heart, and he is open to truly hear me, and listen to the huge breakthroughs and awarenesses I have about him, how I treated him, what i created, and where I can take ownership of my part in the relationship, perhaps a huge healing can occur. I know its not only my fault that caused him to be upset, but I do know I exaserbated it. There's no way I would be able to be a true Healer and Theraist if I couldnt be fully present to other people in their process. For example, if I worked in a mental hospital and dealt with schizophrenics, I would in no way be able to help them if I blamed them and made them wrong every time they got upset. I would have to be loving. That's the same thing with E. He did have pain in his body, still does, did have depression, and anger, but I made it worse by forcing him to heal, getting mad at him to get help, to do this or that healing program, and never just loving him from the heart, never listening to how he really felt. I see that in his eyes, I was a bully. And that is not the way you love someone or support them. I realize I just couldnt. I was in pain too. I was hurting too. I was healing too. But now that I have healed all that, confronted myself, healed my pain, healed my rape, and healed the majority of my Lymes Disease, I can just be loving to others. If I can be loving to him, and he can finally realize my love, I will be the happiest woman alive. He and I may never be together again, but at least now I know how to love someone. For that, I am forever grateful!
I'm going to call up a couple of my old lovers and boyfriends too and talk with them about my realizations, and perhaps, either E, or a new true Beloved will come into my life!
I'm going to do more of these retreats also, and hopefully, when the time is right, they will accept me to become a facilitator as well, if I still want that at the time! Only time will tell!
Much Love,
Niseema ~ Asttarte
My husband/sons dad/soul twin and I have been apart for 2 and 1/2 years now, the longest break ever. I've had other relationships during that break, but they didnt last very long.
He and I had gotten together a few times since Novemeber. It wasn't planned. I had just been with another lover, but with this other lover, something was always off. It wasn't a relationship, no committment, no deep feeling in love feelings.
So after the 4th time of getting together with my ex, he decided to stop meeting that way. I don't blame him, after this past weekend, I now finally understand.
I went to a Shamanic Heart Opening, Sacred Medicine Ceremony experience that had people trained as a facilitators to support people through the process. The training and teachings came from Peru, and the sacred medicine was given to each participant specific to what they needed. I felt I was finally ready for this, and my dear sweet friend who helped me realize the potential of this, guided me gently to get there, with assurance, conversations, and comfort as though I had a friend. That helped me to get through the door. The rest was on me.
The Shaman clearly felt it was my time to break open my heart. She had given me several pills to help me unravel my heart. This was sacred medicine, not hallucinogens. I did not hallucinate in any way during the entire experience. I had done enormous work with Landmark to help break open my heart, but I feel this was even more profound, deeper into my soul, breaking open my identity, and helped unravel my lifetime of personality and charatcer patterns. I learned that I am the 9 of clubs on the outside, but on the inside I am the Queen of Hearts!
The Queen of Hearts is who has dominated my personality, and I learned with every ounce of my being, that all the abuse I received from my mother, I had recreated in my behaviors towards the man I love more than anyone in the world; the man I had insulted, labeled as narcissistic, psychopathic and abusive on many forums, blogs and such and was trying to figure out how to be with someone like that. I learned that it wasn't him who I had to learn to be with, but it was my way of thinking and acting that was causing him to become that. Yes, he has stress, and has anger, sometimes huge, but that I intensified it, by my not listening, by my blaming, making wrong, and by my hurting him to the point of perhaps making him feel abused. I did not acknowledge, or thank him, and appreciate him in any way. Nothing was good enough, and I hurt him. I was the dominant Queen of Hearts, who had a locked heart, was judgmental, guarded and my own heart was locked with a key inside myself. No one could break it open, because it was him I loved, and it was him that I directed all that anger towards. No wonder he felt hurt by me. No wonder, he was protective, and no wonder he didnt feel safe. I created that.
I realize I had to heal to the depths of my being in therapy and other programs and modalities before I could even come to this conclusion. And, I also realize he may never forgive me, or be able to heal the hurt I caused in him. But if I can continue doing this Shamanic work, keep my heart open, and share my awareness with him, let him know he's the most wonderful and greatest man I've ever known, and keep loving him, maybe in the future a miracle will happen. And, at least my heart will be filled more with peace for knowing I let him know everything he had been trying to tell me for many many years. Others in the program feel I may be able to heal my marriage with him, for taking ownership and responsibility for how I now know and realize I treated him before.
We are in our 40s now, and my therapist of many years only saw good in me. He never saw the part of me E saw in me, because I only portrayed that behavior in front of him. He was the direct target. And I see so clearly that is exactly how it was with my mom. I felt abused and tormented by her, and everyone else that knew her, thought she was a saint and the kindest and most friendly woman they knew. I remember how hurt I felt when people told me this, because my experience of her was very different.
If I can stay in my heart, and he is open to truly hear me, and listen to the huge breakthroughs and awarenesses I have about him, how I treated him, what i created, and where I can take ownership of my part in the relationship, perhaps a huge healing can occur. I know its not only my fault that caused him to be upset, but I do know I exaserbated it. There's no way I would be able to be a true Healer and Theraist if I couldnt be fully present to other people in their process. For example, if I worked in a mental hospital and dealt with schizophrenics, I would in no way be able to help them if I blamed them and made them wrong every time they got upset. I would have to be loving. That's the same thing with E. He did have pain in his body, still does, did have depression, and anger, but I made it worse by forcing him to heal, getting mad at him to get help, to do this or that healing program, and never just loving him from the heart, never listening to how he really felt. I see that in his eyes, I was a bully. And that is not the way you love someone or support them. I realize I just couldnt. I was in pain too. I was hurting too. I was healing too. But now that I have healed all that, confronted myself, healed my pain, healed my rape, and healed the majority of my Lymes Disease, I can just be loving to others. If I can be loving to him, and he can finally realize my love, I will be the happiest woman alive. He and I may never be together again, but at least now I know how to love someone. For that, I am forever grateful!
I'm going to call up a couple of my old lovers and boyfriends too and talk with them about my realizations, and perhaps, either E, or a new true Beloved will come into my life!
I'm going to do more of these retreats also, and hopefully, when the time is right, they will accept me to become a facilitator as well, if I still want that at the time! Only time will tell!
Much Love,
Niseema ~ Asttarte
So, my beloved RK left me. His fears, anxieties, and resistance to getting deeply close won! And, my battle of waiting has decided to put down its white flag. He being another avoidant, and my entire being got so frustrated. We met, had amazing sex, and a week later, again over the phone. but it wasn't enough, and I was mad!!!! I had decided, screw that, I'm not going to reach out to him anymore. He can reach out to me, if he wants, which at this point I doubt! I'm hurt and actually pretty sad.
sad
contemplative
peaceful