It Was Stuffed With Science.
So, like, back in 2007, Til Schweiger made this cute, filthy, adorable romantic comedy called Keinohrhasen about a likable jerk who meets the woman of his dreams, but fucks it up and has to win her back. OneRepublic's Apologize featured heavily in the soundtrack, there are so many dirty jokes that even I was delighted, and the entire cast, including the minor characters, were hilarious and charming and wonderful. Also, Nora Tschirner is an amazingly funny woman, and I wish she made more movies so I could watch her pratfall and deadpan like the fucking pro she is. ♥
God knows how many millions of euros and one sequel later, Til is rewriting the movie for American audiences and has said that he's thinking of putting his friend, Ben Affleck, in it.
As someone who loves this movie a lot, no. Just no. I think Affleck is a really solid, charming actor, but I just can't see him as Ludo. Ludo is this weird mix of asshole and sweetheart and goofball, and while Til can pull it off, Ben just seems too serious to me. And I say this as someone who has seen him in Kevin Smith movies, okay? I like the guy, but he just doesn't work as Ludo for me.
So I made my own casting, with
charliehey's invaluable input, and this is what I came up with. I cheated a little and put Jamie in there because I couldn't help myself. Actually, most of this is because I couldn't help myself, but I kind of like it anyway.
Memo to Til: please use this cast, if only because you know you want Donald Glover and Karen Gillan to make out at the end.
By the way, I have no idea how the movie itself will play out (I imagine many things in German don't translate as easily to a North American audience. Like, you can't throw someone in jail for being an immature jerk or half of Ottawa would be incarcerated right now), but I hope they keep in the depilation scene. That shit made me howl with laughter because I'm pretty much twelve, and also, I know how much that hurts.
I hope this is enjoyable.
Summary: Ludo Decker (Schweiger) is a Berlin-based tabloid reporter. With his photographer Moritz, his daily routine is to spy on celebrities for the tabloid Das Blatt. He also uses his work for frequent sexual contacts with his objects of interest.
When heavyweight boxer and celebrity Wladimir Klitschko is about to toast his fiancee Yvonne Catterfeld at their engagement party, Ludo and Moritz are on the scene to report about it. Ludo breaks through a glass dome of the party venue, falls into the cake and is subsequently sentenced to 300 hours of community service at a daycare center.
There he meets Anna Gotzlowski (Tschirner), the center's manager. Anna grew up in the same neighborhood as Ludo and used to be picked on and mocked by him. She gets her revenge by appointing him to perform humiliating tasks. Ludo cannot fight this as his parole is at stake. Still, he is interested in one-night stands, and has an affair with a child's mother who frequents the facility.
After a while, the tensions between Anna and Ludo dissipate, and the two become friends. When Anna's date with another man goes awry, she appears at Ludo's flat seeking comfort. The two of them end up in bed, yet Anna's hope that this could develop into something more serious is destroyed for the time being. Ludo sees her only as a friend until Anna soon starts dating actor Jürgen Vogel, whom she meets in a park. After Ludo writes about her attending the German Film Awards ceremony with Vogel, describing her as the most beautiful woman around, he is fired by his editor.
In the end, Ludo realizes that he feels more for Anna than he had previously thought. During a children's festival at a local theatre, he crashes a performance and swears his love to Anna, who sits in the audience with the children. After his discharge from the tabloid paper, he takes up work at Anna's facility.
Keinohrhasen (Rabbit Without Ears)
Ludo (played by Channing Tatum)
Anna (played by America Ferrera)
Moritz, Ludo's photographer and friend (played by Donald Glover)
Miriam, Anna's friend and roommate (played by Karen Gillan)
Lilli (played by Ellen Pompeo)
Lollo (played by Oscar Steer)
Chief Editor (played by Stanley Tucci)
"Simon Pegg," famous comedic actor who dates Anna (played by Simon Pegg)
"Mandy Moore," actress and fiancée to "Quinton Jackson" (played by Mandy Moore)
"Quinton Jackson," UFC fighter and fiancé to "Mandy Moore" (played by Quinton Jackson)
Ludo's attorney (played by Kal Penn)
Ludo's judge, ex-wife of his attorney (played by Regina King)
Anna's date, the doctor who accidentally runs her over (played by Jamie Bell)
Cheyenne-Blue (played by Willow Smith)
Michi Nußbaumer, folk musician (played by Jack Black)
Daniela Berg, Michi's assistant and his wife (played by Anna Faris)
And if you don't care about that stuff, I just found out today that Tatum used to work in a puppy nursery. A PUPPY NURSERY. He used to take care of puppies, you guys. Like, how fucking adorable and cute is he?!! WHERE IS ALL THE FIC WHERE HE AND ALEX HANG OUT AND DRINK BEER AND ARE THE SPARKLIEST PONIES EVER? I will pay for that, for serious.
God knows how many millions of euros and one sequel later, Til is rewriting the movie for American audiences and has said that he's thinking of putting his friend, Ben Affleck, in it.
As someone who loves this movie a lot, no. Just no. I think Affleck is a really solid, charming actor, but I just can't see him as Ludo. Ludo is this weird mix of asshole and sweetheart and goofball, and while Til can pull it off, Ben just seems too serious to me. And I say this as someone who has seen him in Kevin Smith movies, okay? I like the guy, but he just doesn't work as Ludo for me.
So I made my own casting, with
charliehey's invaluable input, and this is what I came up with. I cheated a little and put Jamie in there because I couldn't help myself. Actually, most of this is because I couldn't help myself, but I kind of like it anyway.Memo to Til: please use this cast, if only because you know you want Donald Glover and Karen Gillan to make out at the end.
By the way, I have no idea how the movie itself will play out (I imagine many things in German don't translate as easily to a North American audience. Like, you can't throw someone in jail for being an immature jerk or half of Ottawa would be incarcerated right now), but I hope they keep in the depilation scene. That shit made me howl with laughter because I'm pretty much twelve, and also, I know how much that hurts.
I hope this is enjoyable.
Summary: Ludo Decker (Schweiger) is a Berlin-based tabloid reporter. With his photographer Moritz, his daily routine is to spy on celebrities for the tabloid Das Blatt. He also uses his work for frequent sexual contacts with his objects of interest.
When heavyweight boxer and celebrity Wladimir Klitschko is about to toast his fiancee Yvonne Catterfeld at their engagement party, Ludo and Moritz are on the scene to report about it. Ludo breaks through a glass dome of the party venue, falls into the cake and is subsequently sentenced to 300 hours of community service at a daycare center.
There he meets Anna Gotzlowski (Tschirner), the center's manager. Anna grew up in the same neighborhood as Ludo and used to be picked on and mocked by him. She gets her revenge by appointing him to perform humiliating tasks. Ludo cannot fight this as his parole is at stake. Still, he is interested in one-night stands, and has an affair with a child's mother who frequents the facility.
After a while, the tensions between Anna and Ludo dissipate, and the two become friends. When Anna's date with another man goes awry, she appears at Ludo's flat seeking comfort. The two of them end up in bed, yet Anna's hope that this could develop into something more serious is destroyed for the time being. Ludo sees her only as a friend until Anna soon starts dating actor Jürgen Vogel, whom she meets in a park. After Ludo writes about her attending the German Film Awards ceremony with Vogel, describing her as the most beautiful woman around, he is fired by his editor.
In the end, Ludo realizes that he feels more for Anna than he had previously thought. During a children's festival at a local theatre, he crashes a performance and swears his love to Anna, who sits in the audience with the children. After his discharge from the tabloid paper, he takes up work at Anna's facility.
Keinohrhasen (Rabbit Without Ears)
Ludo (played by Channing Tatum)
Anna (played by America Ferrera)
Moritz, Ludo's photographer and friend (played by Donald Glover)
Miriam, Anna's friend and roommate (played by Karen Gillan)
Lilli (played by Ellen Pompeo)
Lollo (played by Oscar Steer)
Chief Editor (played by Stanley Tucci)
"Simon Pegg," famous comedic actor who dates Anna (played by Simon Pegg)
"Mandy Moore," actress and fiancée to "Quinton Jackson" (played by Mandy Moore)
"Quinton Jackson," UFC fighter and fiancé to "Mandy Moore" (played by Quinton Jackson)
Ludo's attorney (played by Kal Penn)
Ludo's judge, ex-wife of his attorney (played by Regina King)
Anna's date, the doctor who accidentally runs her over (played by Jamie Bell)
Cheyenne-Blue (played by Willow Smith)
Michi Nußbaumer, folk musician (played by Jack Black)
Daniela Berg, Michi's assistant and his wife (played by Anna Faris)
And if you don't care about that stuff, I just found out today that Tatum used to work in a puppy nursery. A PUPPY NURSERY. He used to take care of puppies, you guys. Like, how fucking adorable and cute is he?!! WHERE IS ALL THE FIC WHERE HE AND ALEX HANG OUT AND DRINK BEER AND ARE THE SPARKLIEST PONIES EVER? I will pay for that, for serious.