I'll direct others here when I have this to say: I do not want an online boyfriend. I do not want someone to 'mess around' with. I do not want a girlfriend.
Get it?!
I'm sure I've told You[being the one who asked] about my relationship. It's not something that I let slip my mind. I do let it slip off my tongue.
That's right! I'm in a relationship that I would like to keep for quite sometime. So stop trying to give me things I don't want.
I have this huge desire to be engulfed in huge crowds of people because I know that there won't be any focus on me. It'll be other people in the group. Perhaps a glance, nothing more. But I feel like I need to be surrounded by the people that I love.. but I can't feel connected to them.It feels like people are there.. and they're going about their business to bothered by other things to notice something small. anything.
A hand gesture someone had never done before or an inflection on a word or a bit of sarcasm in an answer. They stop noticing those things because they're too busy being caught up in what they 'should' be. clothes.relationships.money.drama.
I think that's how so many really sad people get through the cracks. Others are too busy noticing themselves to realize what's happening on a smaller scale. People don't notice a flower in a forest. They're too busy in awe of the trees.
But.. if you miss all these small things, will your 'larger picture' that you're so worried about really add up to what it should be? I fyou keep missing little things you may eventually pass up something bigger. Or loss something bigger than that little thing.
I wish people were all deaf. All deaf. Because then it's the small things that matter. The facial expression. The way that the hands move. How elaborate or tight a gesture is. When you're deaf it's the small things that matter because otherwise you could mis-communicate something that you've been waiting all day to say or sign.
Eventually someone has to notice that your best friend is faking a smile and you haven't taken the time to look to see if they meant it. You're too busy worring about things that they just 'don't get'. Fuck your preteen bullshit, okay.
Now.. I know that someone who reads this is going to think I'm talking about me in some abstract. Well.. this time I'm not. I'm talking about your best friend and the fact that they haven't smiled as much.. or have decided to whore themselves, but more subtly than you an tell because they are DESPERATE for you to notice.
Have you ever faked a smile and wished that someone would catch you? Not done something and hoped to be scolded? Refused to participate and hoped someone would take you out and ask what's wrong?
Okay.. now how many times have you ignored a person you saw doing it?
Have you ever noticed that when you're with a group of people and someone you're embarassed about comes over you slowly turn your back to them? You don't mean to do it.. it just happens. But.. you don't look that closely at other people to notice. You're too busy chatting about music to realize you just cut someone out and that they may have a completely distraught look on their face. But once again.. you won't notice.
And you won't notice when you step on a weed coming up through the sidewalk. Not when you crush it. Not when you walk away, not realizing you may've just killed the only thing close to beauty in that area. You were too busy getting to where you're going. The mall... or the movies. Which is far more important than a thing of beauty you hadn't noticed. Because it has to deal with you.
What is it with people's obseesion with putting things in groups. I guess it's convient.. but no one can say anythign without puttin git in a group.
To describe myself I have to put me into this elaborate group that will hopefully make me seem different from the rest.
I'm a human. (now I'm not a fish, table, or green) I'm tall. (now you know I'm not a shorter person.. you can throw me out of the midget group which you sometimes call 'little people' because you're sure they'll like that more) I have blue eyes(wow! now you're really lucky. You know I'm a tall human with blue eyes. That cuts out a lot of people. My group is getting smaller... and you think I'm just describing me) I'm white (this was pretty obvious after the blue eyes comment.. but now you know I'm not a table or a fish or short or any other group that I've singled out)
I could keep going, putting myself into a group. Then after I've put myself in this tiny little group (which is now a single person) you can call it Sasha. But I'm also in all these groups that fit the description of what I jut said. I'm a tall one.. I have blue eyes.... Which matters more? That I'm Sasha or that you have groups to place me in? Without the groups would I still be Sasha?
I'm sick of rich people. HA! No this isn't me bitching for their moeny, I don't want it. REally... I don't. I just don't understand having all the money. How could you treat yourself to a mansion when you knwo that there are people out on the street dying of one thing or another? I mean... how long can you blind yourself to something like that? Is it that possible? I guess after they start realizing it again the y give a few dollars to a man standing on a street (who has 'god bless you' on a sign, making y ou feel obligated to do so anyway) and then you feel all better about yourself and your leather seats. You're okay with you because you know that you bought that man a little something. Besides, buying that 500 dollar shirt you've been wanting can make you feel a little bit better. So.. I've started stating that I don't like the rich.. and people are unwilling to understand. They've decided that most 'rich' save up their money for other things. I'm thinking, if they save up their money, how would I see so many rich people? If I can live in comfort this way... why shouldn't anyone else be able to live comfortably? Look at it this way. You need a dollar for lunch. You get a standard lunch that you're content with. Healthy and such. You know that you're going to have the dollar for lunch for the rest of your life. you'll always have your dollar and you'll always eat your lunch. On day you get 5 dollars. So you spoil yourself. you don't say those 4 dollars 'just in case.' You buy something extra. You get something you've wanted. You don't save 4 dollars for your grandchildren or for college. Or... no one I know does.
emo and hot pockets for breakfast. Uh huh. RepRUHzent.
I MADE MY MORE GENIUNE LIVEJOURNAL! photoboothxcore
I should be adding my inital pictures today after school and adding all those who have been recommended to me. Add it if you're interested. Otherwise.. stick to this one <3
I heard you're doin' okay.. but I want you to know I'm a dick... I'm addicted to yoooooooou Sasha... are you having gender issues again? Multiple personalities? You're not a penis, dear. Thanks mom! <3
I had this weekend that was amazing and I wish to just spill it all out to the world.. but I don't have the energy. Let's give it a try anyway. ( order us another one, Mac.Collapse )
What're these livejournals for anyway? Or.. moreso.. the friends lists.
Now, I understand some of it. There are some people who I truly care about and am actually interested in reading their day. I want to know what happened and how they felt and things of the such. Other people, I'm not even sure why I add. I don't care about how their day was or what got stuck to the bottom of their shoe.
WESTHEIMER. 'bout Taxi Taxi and stores of the such. Today. 1-6ish.
Be there... or be somewhere else <3
Sasha = Brown haired girl wearing a white t-shirt that says "The too-toos own." and the back has 4 names scrawled across it with "word" in the bottom corner. Lip stud on the right side. Pinstripe pants. plastic bracelts on my left arm. I'll prolly be giddy.
pleased
giddy
awake
calm
energetic