relationhelp, posts by tag: libido - LiveJournal

I seem to have quite a problem and I'm guessing this is a good place to let it out and get some opinions. I am currently a 24 yr old student at a tech school. In one of my classes is this very sweet very cute very smart 19 yr old. Yes 19. He has my mind quite a twitter and its kinda getting to me.

At the same time there is a 22 yr old I like in a different class, but I get along wit the 19 yr old better.

So Im at a bit of an inpass here. I want to focus on my studies, but these crushes are working my mind into a frenzy. Whats worse is that the one I perfer is the 19 yr old..but I feel like such a cradle robber. I mean I remember things the year he was born XDD. Any Advice?

I've been on HBC since August of 2011. For the first month or so, it didn't interfere with mine and my boyfriend's sex life, but since October or so, it's brought my desire down to zero. My boyfriend and I thankfully have a constant open line of communication, and have talked about this time and time again. The problem is that he's becoming increasingly more frustrated (on several levels), and I'm feeling more and more torn. I've talked to my doctor about switching brands to see if it helps, but in the meantime, or supposing it doesn't, I don't know what to do. On the one hand, my boyfriend has never forced me to do something I don't want to do, but on the other, I can tell he's disappointed every time I turn him down, especially since we started off as a twice a day sort of couple. I feel guilty because I'm just not comfortable doing things with him when I have absolutely no desire (I don't even want to do things for him that would at least take care of his wants/needs), but I don't know if it's one of those things where we both just need to accept the situation for what it is until it can get resolved. :/

I know relationships are about give and take and compromise, but when it comes to sex, how is one supposed to compromise? Am I being selfish for at least not doing things for him when I'm not in the mood for sex (and he's never told me he thinks I'm being selfish, or made me feel like I'm being selfish -- this is all coming from myself)? Has anyone else ever experienced this? How do you suggest we deal with it?

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So I've been in a relationship for six months now, and we've been having sex from the start of it (we were having sex before we were officially dating). Recently, my boyfriend said to me that he would like to stop having sex, because he is afraid our relationship is becoming all about sex. I agreed, because, well, there's not really much else I can do (can't exactly force him to have sex 8D and I would never do that anyway). Inside though, I can't help feeling sort of .... disappointed? He's the only person I've had sex with, and in a way, I guess I feel it isn't fair? Because he's been sexually active since he was 13, and I've only been active for six months. I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I want to explore my sexuality (especially now that I'm no longer a virgin), but I obviously can't do that if my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex. I have low confidence when it comes to my ability to be sexy or anything of that sort, but I can't practice or gain confidence if I don't have a willing partner to do this with.

There are some other factors that I feel are contributing to his lack of desire for sexual activity. We're both extremely stressed out (his parents are getting a divorce, I'm recently unemployed), I suspect he has some depression (because of the weather, because of his family drama, and just perhaps some latent depressive tendencies), and because, as he's told me, he doesn't feel any encouragement from me. He asked me recently if anyone's ever "sweet-talked" me (such as calling me "Sweetheart" or "Baby" or anything like), and I told him no, not really, and that I'm not really comfortable with myself saying things like that, because it doesn't come naturally to me. He told me he needs that sort of thing to feel encouraged. I understand it, I can appreciate it, but I don't know what to do with that information. I'm afraid we're stuck in a negative feedback loop. He's backing off because he doesn't feel encouragement from me, and I'm not initiating things or being as forward as he would like because of a lack of confidence, and when he pulls away, it just makes me feel less confident. I told him that I want the first two months of our relationship back. I said I felt we had fun and things were easy then, but that now, everyday was sort of ... a lot of effort?

I mean, is this normal for a relationship? Is my feeling disappointed about the decrease in sex suggestive that maybe our relationship was/is based on sex, at least on my part? Or is it just incompatibility? He sometimes says that he thinks I don't care, based on my actions, but I feel like my actions show that I care, so maybe we're just not communicating? I really don't know what to think or feel anymore. I go back and forth with myself a lot: sometimes I think it's too hard, it's too much effort, and yeah, relationships take work, but is it supposed to be this much work? and then sometimes I feel like things are okay, and I feel good being with him, and being close to him, and the way he talks to me sometimes is just what I need to hear.

I know it's bad to do it, but I compare how I perceive our relationship to be with how I see other people's relationships. When I see theirs, they alway seem so happy, and laughing, and flirtatious with each other, and me and my boyfriend just aren't like that anymore. I mean, is it likely that both of us just need to put more work towards things? We've talked about this a lot (I feel like it's all we ever talk about anymore), and I just don't know that anything's getting resolved. So, what are your suggestions?

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years now, and lately -- the past several months -- our sex life has been less than satisfying. When we do have it, it's good-to-great, it's just that our libidos, and mine especially, aren't what they used to be.

1. I've been on NuvaRing for 3 years. It's extremely convenient, but it's also killed my libido, I feel. But I don't want to go off of it because a) I love the convenience and b) if I did quit it I'd probably get an IUD, and I want to think about that more before saying yea/nay on it. My libido has gone from masturbating 3-4 times a week in addition to having sex with my boyfriend anywhere from 1-3 times a day, to masturbating once a MONTH if I'm lucky, and having sex with my boyfriend every 2-3 days (which sucks when you only see each other on the weekends).

2. Our libidos have stopped matching. Once in a while I do feel really aroused and want to go at it -- and it's the one time of the day when he feels tired and uninterested. He'll get an erection morning and night when we're in bed, and I'll be laying there feeling completely uninterested in the whole idea. And then we'll both feel sad that we couldn't get the times to match.

3. I get mopey and guilty-feeling when I can't get aroused and he so clearly is, and he feels bad in turn for me feeling bad and stops trying to initiate it. As a result, our regular foreplay has definitely suffered because he's had so many times where he tries to do something and I just can't respond, so he's stopped trying most of the time. I then feel resentful that he stopped, even while I feel guilty that I'm not getting aroused on my own or when he stimulates me. Then he'll masturbate and I'll feel like a lame girlfriend. (We both love masturbating in front of each other, but it's way less fun when it becomes a last resort instead of something we're doing for fun.)

4. I'm in vet school, he's in engineering school, we live an hour away. Neither program makes it easy to keep up on sleep or exercise, so I know that that doesn't help either of our libidos.

5. One odd tidbit -- the only time I reliably get aroused, every time, is from giving him a long blowjob. I get soaking wet (even though no other sex act does that reliably for me anymore) and crazy aroused. But when I don't feel aroused, it's so hard to think of going down on him -- it feels unfair, because that's the ONLY way we know for sure works, but it's all about him. It's made me start giving less blowjobs -- I don't know if I'm unconsciously thinking "If I can't have one, he can't have one" or just being turned off from sex acts in general, but it's sad either way. Normally I love giving them, but right now, my sex drive's not normal.

We had a good talk yesterday about it, and have talked about it multiple times since it started being an issue. To be clear, he's never pressured me to do something I didn't want to -- if I didn't want to, I'd just say so and that's the end. He's also the one always reassuring me that our relationship has so much more to it than just sex, and it's true -- I'm quite happy with all the other areas of affection-showing and conversation and partnership and teamwork. It's just this one area that needs help, and dammit, I'm tired of it being this way.

The ideas I came up with yesterday were these:

1. I need to start masturbating daily. Doesn't matter if I feel aroused beforehand or not, I just need to make myself do it and make my body remember what it's like to be more sexual. I know women tend to want sex more the more they have it, so just plain making myself do things will hopefully give me a kickstart.

2. When he's aroused and I'm not, he can try some kind of foreplay before we both give up and he masturbates/I help him. It can be oral or breastplay, or something less sexual, like giving me kisses all over my back and front, or giving me a massage. Giving me that first should help me be a lot more fun when it comes to his turn -- and if we're lucky, it will turn into something more.

Any other ideas anyone has would be great. I really want to try and get our sex lives back to where it's always enjoyable, instead of it being enjoyable when we have it and a chore when it doesn't work out. So please, if you have any suggestions, let me know :)