haven't said shit in a while..... which i have to admit the only reason is cause maggie told me to surprise her. so i am
pretty much shits been all the same.. little better than before.. just cause i've went through a lot of shit and pretty much by myself.
i have well had a job... through tyco electronics then with a carpentry company. i've decided after a while to hit up GTCC with some electricians classes and get certified so i can go electrician and carpentry work. i think that will be good. good money too.
well its crazy how everyone i know is gone now to college. its pretty rediculous. oh well such as life. i relized after i graduate that most people i see are gone and i won't ever see them again just cause of the fact that i only really talked to them or saw them in school.
i don't really know what else to say not much else seems inportant enough to mention anything.
oh my god... first off good job steelers and panthers for going on in the play-offs
.... why hasn't everyone changed but me.... the only thing that has changed is what i do lol.... it feels like a dumb kid in a math class getting left behind.... how is that possible... before i was the one that ran things. i was the one everyone talked about whatr i did the night before. or so i think.
its like everyone grew up... well not grew up... but grew out of all the things we used to do... except me... i still listen to the exploited... i still love a good fight. i still love getting drunk and doing other un-nameless thing.
everyone else USED to... but now they started to like rap and started wearing sean john pants. or started hating drugs or the things they did. its like i still want to act like a kid and be stupid and harm my body because i think i'm invincible, but itseatd i know i could have died or went to jail 40 thosand diffrent times... i just happen to do the right thing to get not.
i know ur like damn hes fucked his life up, everytime he posts he's not doing so hot... but i'm still me... i still drive around throwing smoike bombs in smokes car.... I'm still the happy go lucky sam that i know all of u knew... i guess i just wanna post at bad times... i guess cause the only time i pst is when i'm by myself at the house...which is seldom
but there is good news... I'm still really not doing all that bad in school...at all... i mean yes i did just fail part of my math class but thats seriously not all because i'm just a big retard.... bitch ass teacher decided to quit teaching...she would just hand out papers and basically be like teach this shit to urself so i can go send e-mails all period.
i have a gpa of a little over 3..... like a 3.2 i think somehwere around there... and all of u's out there... how many can say that u even have that good of grades... half of u never done coke once in ur life and still can't do that good... so fuck what u heard.... i got more going then the m ost of you... think about that next time you think you are on the right track... i do things that are supposed to ruin you... to have fun and feel diffrent... and still do great in things that society thinks u should do.
bitch so fuck u, fuck me for ever being depressed or feeling like a dicklicker just cause i like expensive mind-altering objects... and fuck everyone (mainly women) that have ever eityher tried to change me... or made me feel dumb cause of it... cause i swear to god... i'll be fine in life
i'll have plenty... and hoepfully never get married...unless i actually find some girl thats not dumb or something or maybe more my style if u want me to say it more politically correct
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear you are someone else I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt
if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
this is supposedly the last song johnny cash wrote before his death.... R.I.P.
THIS IS It... i have no idea who would actually read this. bu this is finally my last confession.
i drink i snort. i do everything that i said i never would again...
i have failed as a human being
but i won't give up.
from now on... any one fucks with me... your fucking dead. end of the god damn story.
i liked if not even deeper of a liking.... i liked maggie.... but i never had the balls or guts to do or say what i really wanted to say.
I'm about to have probably 14 criminal charages on me..... just for the fact that i finally decided to quit putting up with peoples shit and say what the fuck i mean and punch them all in the fucking face. i'm tired of helping people out lending them shit and letting them slid with not paying me out. but yet when they owe me something for weeks at a time i let them slid. but yet they think that they have to be paid back for what I owe them ASAP
why the fuck is my life so fucked up now that i caN'T IMAINE.
i've fucked up everything and really truely have no hope for any type of future what-so-ever
i've had so many thing that finally meant something to me... and i just threw them away because of my own self richous addiction and pleasure to cocaine, weed, and things you've never fucking heard of...
i wiosh so bad that i could finally get the fuck over myself and go for what i know is right and for things that actually would have a great impact on myself.
i need help but the help from doctors would never help me.
i have to figure this out for myself...
please god anyone with feelings or anything that u have to say about me... please fucking say it...
all i am is a fuckingf percent... and at my right thats all i will ever be... i'm sure after due amount of time all i will be is a crack head begging for change for a half gram.
what the fuck has happened to me... nothinbg is right anymore... nothing.
heh i didnt even go to school today... i just needed a day off dude.
i went to a show saturday with maggie that shit was pretty cool.... i miss talking to her all the time like we used to. i procrastinated all the time when it came to her... i'm suprised she even remembers who i am.
anyways..... i guess i just wanted to update cause i haven't in a minute.... anyways take 'er greasy... hollar crack.
i realized when maggie commented on that below that ii dont remember putting all fo that.... because of drunkedness...uhm...so disregard all most all of that... thank you
so i finally figured it out... i figured why my life sucks haha. i alwaya go and fuck my life up and ruin it... then i realize i have... so i try to fix it...then my life will feel liek it has a place and that i'm doing all right.... so then once again i'll slowly fuck it up again somehow.
i have no sence on self-control what-so-ever.
THATS what my problem is... that word that you always hear in fucking school as u sit bored in your health class wondering why people come up with all these words to descibe peoples problems.
I've realized that no self-control equals no hope for a future.
now i ask myself...what is self-control REALLY.
its not being able to make simple decisions JUST TO KEEP YOURSELF ON TRACK ENOUGH TO SURVIVE
now how can i expect myself to have a decent life when i cant even control my own actions fully.
Now i mean don't get me wrong... as of right now (or so it seems) I have things on track. but its always the same pattern... i can only wait until something else comes around to mess it all up again.
but how can i make sure it doesnt end up liek that again. i mean to be honest IM TIRED of this... i change the way i dfo thigns and my lifestyle more than a girl has moodswings on her period man.
the only time i've ever shown a hint of self-control is when a girl is involved... which is even worse...which proves that i rely on others for strength... and it also means that when i get attached to someone i care too much of what the approve and disapprove of. what the fuck? how is it that the whole time i've been alive... i've tried to be my own person...but yet when it comes to when i REALLY REALLY care about someone... they could have more control over me than a murderer has on his victim. what a scary reality check.
i definitly had a great time today... definitly good times in the making. or maybe even more?
anyways... i went to the flea market today too... definitly isn't the same as it use to be... just has more pot stores lol. anyways not much to really say... i'm at a loss for words
so i noticed all my friend fuckign thier lives up tonight. my friend blew all 500 some dollars of his paycheck on coke. what the fuck? what kind of a fuckign idiot. i mean really. that its just fuckign rediculous you know.
i have half a dog now! me and brandon and jordan all pretty much take care of this new dog we found.. his names is smokes. hes fuckign awesome. whenever he has to shit or piss he'll go to the door and scratch so we know he has to go outside and do his buisness. and thats pretty damn good for a dog of about 3 or 4 weeks old you know?hes the coolest thign ever. i swear. fuck everybody else.... you just need to go get a dog. haha. hes a sheep dog too the ones that heard sheep in.
anyways i guess ill stop boring the like 2 of u that read this
wow... i feel so much diffrent now... i feel alive... i feel like i dont have to hide myself from the world and what i do just to save face.
i can say. IM OFF THE WHITE. and that i dotn plan on doing it anymore. i always thought oh shit i can't tell anyone that i smoke weed but until i got into worse shit... i never realized how much weed doesn't matter or how it doesn't even closely compare.
I'm so happy with myself now. I'm ready for school. even though i hate school. I'm ready for it. Just because i don't have coke lurker around my shoulder anymore... anyways i'll leave you with this... i'm happy with who i am. and what i do.
