Hello world
Feeling odd compulsions to write tonight. Well, this morning. Could be the level of intoxication. Could be that Chicago just came on randomly. The things that song will make me do. I feel like telling my story now. I want to talk about Chelsea and my road trip and my year. This really is for me, but you're welcome to come along.
2008 was a weird year. New year's eve I spent with a bunch of con friends. Going out drinking pitchers of some cocktail...strong whatever it was. Taylor and I were still friends...starting to have our differences. And Rob, Jessie and I wanted to plan a con. Heh. Plans for staff formed at that table with the pitchers of booze. Then home. I don't remember who was there. Isn't that sad? I know some main players. Chelsea was there, of course. And Karyn and Taylor...later LeAnn. No real wonder I can barely remember that night with Chelsea and I doing shots way too often. And her advances. Seems so funny now, her advances...my in ability to flirt back. Just a little opposite of the year to come.
I do remember the next morning. Denny's with LeAnn. Needed to be consoled that I could talk to her again, I could make it right...I could let Chelsea know that I wasn't trying to be aloof, it was the double shot of vanilla vodka she poured. Knowing that you were ignored because the other was too drunk is not comforting, at least I got to find that out first hand.
I started my last semester of school. One more term and I was going to be a college graduate. Exciting? naw. I had just figured out that I really didn't want to be a pharmacist like my parents wanted. Hell...I wasn't really convinced I knew anything I wanted to be. genetic counselor? sounds good. enough. I had plenty of other distractions to keep me busy.
First off one of my best friendships was dying. I know it started in December, I just don't know why it took us nine months of living together to start hating one another. Taylor had begun to be more and more passive aggressive. I never knew what it would be but I knew that when I got home there would have been something new I messed up. Something that required a note, or a awkward confrontation. Could be I left a light on. Maybe I didn't say sorry about the last slight. Maybe I didn't clean my dishes quickly enough. I resented the hell out of her. Then it would snap back to old times. We'd stay up until 8 in the morning watching Veronica Mars and laughing. She'd offer advice about my situation with Chelsea, or offer going out to dinner, before remembering that I had interrupted her the week before and would stop talking to me again.
Valentine's Day presented itself an odd opportunity. Chelsea and I had been spending copious amounts of time together. We'd sit really close on the couch...maybe even cuddle...but nothing else came of it. So I figured I'd put myself out there, I wrote her a fabulous middle school style note. Notebook paper and chicken scratch saying that I wanted to be so much more and asking her to check yes or no whether she liked me or not. But I couldn't figure out how to give it to her. She fell asleep in my lap...and I tucked her in, snuck out of her house and left the note behind like a coward.
She still seemed impressed, less so with the fact I managed to leave my phone at her house so she couldn't get a hold of me. she checked yes!...and wanted to talk about it. And thus the standard of our relationship went. I thought I said all that needed to be said. And she told me that she liked me...and wasn't sure how to proceed. So I apparently acted incorrectly and didn't push her...hard. Flirtations and small advances continued. But nothing would come to a head.
But there were also con preparations to make! CONga Line had taken off. Jessie heading it up as dean, but Rob and I ever present in the preparations. We had some major hiccups and head butting in the early part of the con planning but once that cleared up, it was a blast to plan. My friendship with Taylor was still crumbling, but at least I was getting closer to Rob and Jessie. Con finally came and I've never been so proud. There weren't any large problems. The flow came easily. My touch group was amazing. My workshop was amazing. My con was amazing. Closing circle where everyone came together and talked about what the weekend had meant to them was incredible. To know that I had helped coordinate something so powerful, I still don't have words.
My nickname of PJ was officially stuck. No escaping it when you hear someone who just met you this weekend refer to Mark as "PJ's brother". Of course I also encouraged it myself with my stupid half awake ramblings. Oh well.
I also got to confront a rather unpleasant piece of my last summer and have my faith restored in the decency of people in the long run.
Not everything about con was excellent though. What would con be without a healthy dose of Rachelle's emo. Apparently Chelsea had taken my being closed off after the rather trying confrontation, and my business Friday night with registrar duties personally. She thought that I didn't want to be around her. That I was sleeping with an ex. Of course I had actually planned to kiss her at the dance when a certain song played just for us. Oh the perks of knowing the dj. I planned to sweep her off her feet with romance and the thrill of first con glory. I wanted her to see me at my best, surrounded by open loving people and being able to coordinate and lead. She left. She spend Friday night with a guy she just met. Lost in Olympia apparently, abandoned the con. My con. My gesture. Me. I offered the other side of my air mattress to my brother so that I would be amused and try not to be emo. That boy is so good for me, I can't believe how blessed I am with family.
The con wrapped up and Chelsea and I confronted one another. Her claim, ridiculous. Mine, founded...she liked him. Not as much as me. More written confessions and long talks made me demand an answer. Would she just be my girlfriend or what? Seems not. She told me she'd rather be my friend. Well damn. Kiss o death right there. Man if that is where our story ended that would make things so simple. I spent the next couple of nights with her. I loved her. This friendship thing sure wasn't going to work for me. But it wasn't that she didn't want me. She didn't want to mess up with me. Bad relationship history and all that. I was too important to date because that would mean eventually we wouldn't be in each others lives. I think this is a crock and reset my resolve to make her see she wants to be with me. Heh, that worked out so well. We continued, silly dance after silly dance. Now I had two on again off again best friendships.
Except the other was pretty much off. Taylor was almost never home anymore, and Jessie moved in so Rob, Jessie and I were pretty much always together. We just tried to give the otehr space and grin and bear it until we could move out.
In May I graduated. Shook the governor's hand. Followed my family's ingenious flamingo props to find them again. It was a proud day...my all normal standards. I still didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't feel like I had done anything special. I'm a lazy student, I got a C+ average. My friends worked hard, studied hard, earned more. I'm sure it was proud for them. I felt like I had gotten to the finish line before I knew what I was running for. Still, parties were necessary.
Part A was Jessie and my grad party. It was incredible. I had a blast and a half having a bunch of my friends from different circles mingle and have fun. And again with the intoxication. That was nice. I think back really fondly on that party. Another fabulous event planned by Jessie Rob and I!
Things began to end rapidly after that. Chelsea and I hit our breaking point. In June we went to the beach with my family. Too many drinks and too many failed attempts to woo made a decision for me. I needed to be away from her. I couldn't stay so close hoping she'd just wake up one day and realize that it was stupid to not be with me. It hurt too much. So I did what was done to me back in '06. I ran, not speaking to her again. At least I learned to forgive Michael through it. He left me without a word and I couldn't understand how one could do that to someone they loved. Oh it's possible. And necessary. and painful. and over. I needed to stop pining so I tried to take control. One best friendship down.
The next followed in July. Taylor was home when I didn't realize. I mentioned to a friend that she should avoid the shower stuff belonging to Taylor because I didn't know if she would get all passive aggressive on me. Of course Taylor heard this and was pissed. She stormed into the room where I was after seething for a hour and proceeded to yell at me. I apologized but it was the final straw. The last thing she said to me was "maybe I should just move out!" and she proceeded to do just that. The next couple of days she packed up her things silently. Not speaking to any of us. Because I had the audacity to call her passive aggressive. HA! oh well. Don't get me wrong. I miss my friendship with Taylor. But I haven't seen the Taylor I was friends with in earnest in over a year. It's hard to mourn a living situation that caused endless stress.
August marked the end of my life as I knew it. The girl I had been courting and I weren't talking. The friend I had lived with for a year and a half was unrecognizable and also not talking to me. And I was leaving Vancouver. The jobs I'd held for years were being left behind. The town that I spent my adolescence and young adulthood was being left behind. Now I had been musing that I would run across the country when I left Hazel Dell. St. Louis for awhile. Chicago while I was running with Chelsea. But I wasn't prepared for con to mean so much, graduation to mean so little, and two of the main women in my life to crush me. Retreating to Beaverton with Rob and Jessie was about as adventurous as I could muster.
The next three months are a blur. Never move without a job lined up in an economic depression. I am idiotic. Now, it's not really fair to say that it took me thee months to find a job. I slacked. It's my nature. I had some savings and thought it'd be relatively easy to find employment. I'm a good worker. I have a degree. My standards were low. Thank god. But still, dozens of applications and resumes sent in, and I only managed to get two call backs. I spent my days sleeping and watching tv. I have no friends in the immediate area, no job to get out of bed for. I reclused. I don't know what I would have done without Rob and Jessie. I'll owe them forever for not letting me completely tumble over the edge.
I started house sitting for my parents. They paid me ridiculously. It's not giving me money if I eat their food and use their electricity right? Wow, I'm good at this independence thing. After one of my overnights my mother and I met up for Thai food. She held my hand and let me cry over my shattered life. I wasn't in school...I couldn't relish in how easily concepts came to me. I wasn't working so I couldn't point to the fact that I was good at my job as validation. I had run away from the woman I had fallen for. no new prospects, not that I was really looking hard. Not having a job ruined my idea of self worth, supposed to love yourself first right? no girls. And I had managed to cut off so many of my friends. Holed up in my apartment I had lost so much of what I loved about me. So I cried. And we talked about how to get me a job. I needed so much more than a job. The drive home left me restless. I needed to run. I almost missed my exit. Drove on, to somewhere. I fantasized about calling up random UU's as I traveled east. I thought about running down the coast of California. I went home, can't just leave. Had chores to do. And I came home to Chicago. I listened to that song so much when I thought I'd move there with Chelsea. It's about running away...and I needed to. I did my chores. I packed toiletries, my laundry was still in my car from my parents house. I hugged Rob and told him to pass it on to Jessie. And I left.
Now the fantasies about running away without contacts and no destination were fun but I am on VERY limited funds. So I decided to connect to people I haven't let in in a while. Port Townsend first. Then up to Bellingham. Seattle on the way back down. Olympia? Vancouver? How long at home? Then Eugene and Ashland of course. However long it took I was going to find my life again.
It was cloudy the whole way up 101, but the clouds broke in PT. Clear, quiet and cold. I went to the one place I know I can always find peace. Chetzemoka. It was dark and therefore technically closed, but I had to go to my park. I stumbled in the dark with my ipod and found my swings. Stars above, so so many stars. Waves crashing on the beach below. I swung. And I listened to Modest Mouse and I learned to take deep breaths again. Right there, the trip had been worth it.
Of course I was no where near done. I met up with Lily. I love my Lily time. She allowed me to ramble endlessly about my new book obsession, Twilight. (I am ashamed...but whatever, it's crack.) We talked about boys and school and it felt really good to laugh like we always have. The next day we ran down to Silverdale and caught a showing of the crack movie. She loved it. :) yay another convert. I've never spent so little time in downtown Port Townsend on a trip, but it was time to go. I caught the ferry from downtown. Oh night scapes in PT with modest mouse on my headphones. Could you get more serene and beautiful? I spent the entire ride outside staring into the black water, or admiring the sliver of moon behind perfectly wispy clouds. I watched downtown disappear to black. Deep. Breaths.
Now, I don't actually recommend that one decides to drive small highways that are unfamiliar and to do so at night. I made a few wrong turns but EVENTUALLY I made it to Bellingham and Cory's waiting couch. Cory is such a dear friend. He proceed to drink with me and introduce me to Rock Band. My new fun obsession. Mark always jokes with me about how I'm always a few steps behind in the video game world. Whatever. I'm cool.
Cory's roommates are awesome. I really enjoyed hanging out with them. It was awesome to be around so much male energy...not common for me.
Food in Bellingham is tasty. Avenue Bread where Cory works has DAMN tasty french dips. Casa Que Pasa is so delicious and Mallard's ice cream could probably make me not miss ICR...eventually.
I met new people with ease, I was shocked. I had become such a hermit I thought it was beyond me. I sang in Rock Band. I told people about my journey. Pieces seemed to be coming back.
After vulgar pankakes and some more Rock Band it was time to go hang out with Abby. I know we will be in each others lives forever. It's always simple with her, we fall right back to where we've been. It was great to see her, but I needed to get on the road, I had told Kate I was coming into Seattle that night.
Kate, I haven't talked about her yet. I met Dev's girlfriend at Part A. She came down and was handed Rob the instant she met him and spun him around. Now that's someone who's going to get along with us. Kate and I became SUPER quick friends and I don't know what I would have done without her. She's been a great shoulder to lean on in this unemployment crap. And I had gotten her addicted to the evil crack of Twilight as well. Muhahahaha. It's also been really great getting to know Kate because I feel closer to Dev than I have in like...ever. It's always refreshing to find that you can find new appreciation in old friends. Many late night talks and indulgent meals this visit. mmmm. On Sunday I went to church with Dev and Kate. Now if I was home I would have been at the Twenties and Thirties group white elephant exchange. I was sad about this. That group had been my hope of getting more meaningful interactions at home. But I really feel that I was meant to be in Seattle that Sunday.
We talked about God. Getting a group of 10 UU's together to talk about their concept of God is a powerful thing by my standards. I wasn't the only one on a soul searching journey. I wasn't the only one lost in being unemployed. I wasn't the only one who felt lost when it came to god. I cried with strangers and never felt more sated.
Time to see my brother. Time to face my family. Now, Mark will always be more like a friend than family...but he still knows me like family, I can't hide as easily. He knows that the running is temporary and that I need a plan...it's how those who are raised my Karmel succeed. And I decided. I was going to Nursing school. I had tossed the idea around for a while, I knew I needed more classes just to be eligible. So I would take those, and try and get loans as soon as possible and throw my energy into my eventual career instead of the meaningless job I planned to throw away soon anyway. I felt at peace. Talking with Mark, his encouragement...and beer chugging lessons. God I love my Brother.
My mother called. wants to know if I can house sit. I need the money, so I agree. Time to head south. I get on the freeway and my phone rings. The place I interviewed at a month ago is finally ready to train me. In only one week I will be employed. Deeeeeeeeeeep Breaths.
My job is lame. I recharge cell phone minutes in a call center. But it is simple. And easy. And requires no thought outside of those walls. and I can sleep late and take prerequisite courses and pay my bills and get out of bed again. I like the company I work for. That's something. And in this economy, it's kind of everything.
So now I'm home. I'm employed despite a couple weeks of scary weather and scary attendance policies threatening to "end my assignment." I'm happy. I dance now. And listen to music that doesn't make me cry. I'm satisfied.
But the year isn't over. And neither is my story with Chelsea. 4:30 am Christmas Eve I receive a message from her. "Please talk to me" I miss her. I miss her so much. I was hoping she'd write me. I was preying she missed me too. "I'm moving to China." oh.
We talked. For hours. and we kissed. and I let my self slip back into being awkward because I didn't know what else to do. She's gone for 6 months, but things have changed. I don't know what will happen when she gets back, but I know I'll be there. Running away was dumb. I'm ready to face that, but I guess I get another half a year to work my way up to that. Just about a year from the weekend I left her without a word she'll be stateside.
So that's where I am. In limbo. Employed. Enrolled in class. Content, which...is an odd wrap up to this hellish year of discontentment. I hope all is well for you as well, faithful readers who have sat through 3500 self indulgent words. Thank you for being a part of my life.
2008 was a weird year. New year's eve I spent with a bunch of con friends. Going out drinking pitchers of some cocktail...strong whatever it was. Taylor and I were still friends...starting to have our differences. And Rob, Jessie and I wanted to plan a con. Heh. Plans for staff formed at that table with the pitchers of booze. Then home. I don't remember who was there. Isn't that sad? I know some main players. Chelsea was there, of course. And Karyn and Taylor...later LeAnn. No real wonder I can barely remember that night with Chelsea and I doing shots way too often. And her advances. Seems so funny now, her advances...my in ability to flirt back. Just a little opposite of the year to come.
I do remember the next morning. Denny's with LeAnn. Needed to be consoled that I could talk to her again, I could make it right...I could let Chelsea know that I wasn't trying to be aloof, it was the double shot of vanilla vodka she poured. Knowing that you were ignored because the other was too drunk is not comforting, at least I got to find that out first hand.
I started my last semester of school. One more term and I was going to be a college graduate. Exciting? naw. I had just figured out that I really didn't want to be a pharmacist like my parents wanted. Hell...I wasn't really convinced I knew anything I wanted to be. genetic counselor? sounds good. enough. I had plenty of other distractions to keep me busy.
First off one of my best friendships was dying. I know it started in December, I just don't know why it took us nine months of living together to start hating one another. Taylor had begun to be more and more passive aggressive. I never knew what it would be but I knew that when I got home there would have been something new I messed up. Something that required a note, or a awkward confrontation. Could be I left a light on. Maybe I didn't say sorry about the last slight. Maybe I didn't clean my dishes quickly enough. I resented the hell out of her. Then it would snap back to old times. We'd stay up until 8 in the morning watching Veronica Mars and laughing. She'd offer advice about my situation with Chelsea, or offer going out to dinner, before remembering that I had interrupted her the week before and would stop talking to me again.
Valentine's Day presented itself an odd opportunity. Chelsea and I had been spending copious amounts of time together. We'd sit really close on the couch...maybe even cuddle...but nothing else came of it. So I figured I'd put myself out there, I wrote her a fabulous middle school style note. Notebook paper and chicken scratch saying that I wanted to be so much more and asking her to check yes or no whether she liked me or not. But I couldn't figure out how to give it to her. She fell asleep in my lap...and I tucked her in, snuck out of her house and left the note behind like a coward.
She still seemed impressed, less so with the fact I managed to leave my phone at her house so she couldn't get a hold of me. she checked yes!...and wanted to talk about it. And thus the standard of our relationship went. I thought I said all that needed to be said. And she told me that she liked me...and wasn't sure how to proceed. So I apparently acted incorrectly and didn't push her...hard. Flirtations and small advances continued. But nothing would come to a head.
But there were also con preparations to make! CONga Line had taken off. Jessie heading it up as dean, but Rob and I ever present in the preparations. We had some major hiccups and head butting in the early part of the con planning but once that cleared up, it was a blast to plan. My friendship with Taylor was still crumbling, but at least I was getting closer to Rob and Jessie. Con finally came and I've never been so proud. There weren't any large problems. The flow came easily. My touch group was amazing. My workshop was amazing. My con was amazing. Closing circle where everyone came together and talked about what the weekend had meant to them was incredible. To know that I had helped coordinate something so powerful, I still don't have words.
My nickname of PJ was officially stuck. No escaping it when you hear someone who just met you this weekend refer to Mark as "PJ's brother". Of course I also encouraged it myself with my stupid half awake ramblings. Oh well.
I also got to confront a rather unpleasant piece of my last summer and have my faith restored in the decency of people in the long run.
Not everything about con was excellent though. What would con be without a healthy dose of Rachelle's emo. Apparently Chelsea had taken my being closed off after the rather trying confrontation, and my business Friday night with registrar duties personally. She thought that I didn't want to be around her. That I was sleeping with an ex. Of course I had actually planned to kiss her at the dance when a certain song played just for us. Oh the perks of knowing the dj. I planned to sweep her off her feet with romance and the thrill of first con glory. I wanted her to see me at my best, surrounded by open loving people and being able to coordinate and lead. She left. She spend Friday night with a guy she just met. Lost in Olympia apparently, abandoned the con. My con. My gesture. Me. I offered the other side of my air mattress to my brother so that I would be amused and try not to be emo. That boy is so good for me, I can't believe how blessed I am with family.
The con wrapped up and Chelsea and I confronted one another. Her claim, ridiculous. Mine, founded...she liked him. Not as much as me. More written confessions and long talks made me demand an answer. Would she just be my girlfriend or what? Seems not. She told me she'd rather be my friend. Well damn. Kiss o death right there. Man if that is where our story ended that would make things so simple. I spent the next couple of nights with her. I loved her. This friendship thing sure wasn't going to work for me. But it wasn't that she didn't want me. She didn't want to mess up with me. Bad relationship history and all that. I was too important to date because that would mean eventually we wouldn't be in each others lives. I think this is a crock and reset my resolve to make her see she wants to be with me. Heh, that worked out so well. We continued, silly dance after silly dance. Now I had two on again off again best friendships.
Except the other was pretty much off. Taylor was almost never home anymore, and Jessie moved in so Rob, Jessie and I were pretty much always together. We just tried to give the otehr space and grin and bear it until we could move out.
In May I graduated. Shook the governor's hand. Followed my family's ingenious flamingo props to find them again. It was a proud day...my all normal standards. I still didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't feel like I had done anything special. I'm a lazy student, I got a C+ average. My friends worked hard, studied hard, earned more. I'm sure it was proud for them. I felt like I had gotten to the finish line before I knew what I was running for. Still, parties were necessary.
Part A was Jessie and my grad party. It was incredible. I had a blast and a half having a bunch of my friends from different circles mingle and have fun. And again with the intoxication. That was nice. I think back really fondly on that party. Another fabulous event planned by Jessie Rob and I!
Things began to end rapidly after that. Chelsea and I hit our breaking point. In June we went to the beach with my family. Too many drinks and too many failed attempts to woo made a decision for me. I needed to be away from her. I couldn't stay so close hoping she'd just wake up one day and realize that it was stupid to not be with me. It hurt too much. So I did what was done to me back in '06. I ran, not speaking to her again. At least I learned to forgive Michael through it. He left me without a word and I couldn't understand how one could do that to someone they loved. Oh it's possible. And necessary. and painful. and over. I needed to stop pining so I tried to take control. One best friendship down.
The next followed in July. Taylor was home when I didn't realize. I mentioned to a friend that she should avoid the shower stuff belonging to Taylor because I didn't know if she would get all passive aggressive on me. Of course Taylor heard this and was pissed. She stormed into the room where I was after seething for a hour and proceeded to yell at me. I apologized but it was the final straw. The last thing she said to me was "maybe I should just move out!" and she proceeded to do just that. The next couple of days she packed up her things silently. Not speaking to any of us. Because I had the audacity to call her passive aggressive. HA! oh well. Don't get me wrong. I miss my friendship with Taylor. But I haven't seen the Taylor I was friends with in earnest in over a year. It's hard to mourn a living situation that caused endless stress.
August marked the end of my life as I knew it. The girl I had been courting and I weren't talking. The friend I had lived with for a year and a half was unrecognizable and also not talking to me. And I was leaving Vancouver. The jobs I'd held for years were being left behind. The town that I spent my adolescence and young adulthood was being left behind. Now I had been musing that I would run across the country when I left Hazel Dell. St. Louis for awhile. Chicago while I was running with Chelsea. But I wasn't prepared for con to mean so much, graduation to mean so little, and two of the main women in my life to crush me. Retreating to Beaverton with Rob and Jessie was about as adventurous as I could muster.
The next three months are a blur. Never move without a job lined up in an economic depression. I am idiotic. Now, it's not really fair to say that it took me thee months to find a job. I slacked. It's my nature. I had some savings and thought it'd be relatively easy to find employment. I'm a good worker. I have a degree. My standards were low. Thank god. But still, dozens of applications and resumes sent in, and I only managed to get two call backs. I spent my days sleeping and watching tv. I have no friends in the immediate area, no job to get out of bed for. I reclused. I don't know what I would have done without Rob and Jessie. I'll owe them forever for not letting me completely tumble over the edge.
I started house sitting for my parents. They paid me ridiculously. It's not giving me money if I eat their food and use their electricity right? Wow, I'm good at this independence thing. After one of my overnights my mother and I met up for Thai food. She held my hand and let me cry over my shattered life. I wasn't in school...I couldn't relish in how easily concepts came to me. I wasn't working so I couldn't point to the fact that I was good at my job as validation. I had run away from the woman I had fallen for. no new prospects, not that I was really looking hard. Not having a job ruined my idea of self worth, supposed to love yourself first right? no girls. And I had managed to cut off so many of my friends. Holed up in my apartment I had lost so much of what I loved about me. So I cried. And we talked about how to get me a job. I needed so much more than a job. The drive home left me restless. I needed to run. I almost missed my exit. Drove on, to somewhere. I fantasized about calling up random UU's as I traveled east. I thought about running down the coast of California. I went home, can't just leave. Had chores to do. And I came home to Chicago. I listened to that song so much when I thought I'd move there with Chelsea. It's about running away...and I needed to. I did my chores. I packed toiletries, my laundry was still in my car from my parents house. I hugged Rob and told him to pass it on to Jessie. And I left.
Now the fantasies about running away without contacts and no destination were fun but I am on VERY limited funds. So I decided to connect to people I haven't let in in a while. Port Townsend first. Then up to Bellingham. Seattle on the way back down. Olympia? Vancouver? How long at home? Then Eugene and Ashland of course. However long it took I was going to find my life again.
It was cloudy the whole way up 101, but the clouds broke in PT. Clear, quiet and cold. I went to the one place I know I can always find peace. Chetzemoka. It was dark and therefore technically closed, but I had to go to my park. I stumbled in the dark with my ipod and found my swings. Stars above, so so many stars. Waves crashing on the beach below. I swung. And I listened to Modest Mouse and I learned to take deep breaths again. Right there, the trip had been worth it.
Of course I was no where near done. I met up with Lily. I love my Lily time. She allowed me to ramble endlessly about my new book obsession, Twilight. (I am ashamed...but whatever, it's crack.) We talked about boys and school and it felt really good to laugh like we always have. The next day we ran down to Silverdale and caught a showing of the crack movie. She loved it. :) yay another convert. I've never spent so little time in downtown Port Townsend on a trip, but it was time to go. I caught the ferry from downtown. Oh night scapes in PT with modest mouse on my headphones. Could you get more serene and beautiful? I spent the entire ride outside staring into the black water, or admiring the sliver of moon behind perfectly wispy clouds. I watched downtown disappear to black. Deep. Breaths.
Now, I don't actually recommend that one decides to drive small highways that are unfamiliar and to do so at night. I made a few wrong turns but EVENTUALLY I made it to Bellingham and Cory's waiting couch. Cory is such a dear friend. He proceed to drink with me and introduce me to Rock Band. My new fun obsession. Mark always jokes with me about how I'm always a few steps behind in the video game world. Whatever. I'm cool.
Cory's roommates are awesome. I really enjoyed hanging out with them. It was awesome to be around so much male energy...not common for me.
Food in Bellingham is tasty. Avenue Bread where Cory works has DAMN tasty french dips. Casa Que Pasa is so delicious and Mallard's ice cream could probably make me not miss ICR...eventually.
I met new people with ease, I was shocked. I had become such a hermit I thought it was beyond me. I sang in Rock Band. I told people about my journey. Pieces seemed to be coming back.
After vulgar pankakes and some more Rock Band it was time to go hang out with Abby. I know we will be in each others lives forever. It's always simple with her, we fall right back to where we've been. It was great to see her, but I needed to get on the road, I had told Kate I was coming into Seattle that night.
Kate, I haven't talked about her yet. I met Dev's girlfriend at Part A. She came down and was handed Rob the instant she met him and spun him around. Now that's someone who's going to get along with us. Kate and I became SUPER quick friends and I don't know what I would have done without her. She's been a great shoulder to lean on in this unemployment crap. And I had gotten her addicted to the evil crack of Twilight as well. Muhahahaha. It's also been really great getting to know Kate because I feel closer to Dev than I have in like...ever. It's always refreshing to find that you can find new appreciation in old friends. Many late night talks and indulgent meals this visit. mmmm. On Sunday I went to church with Dev and Kate. Now if I was home I would have been at the Twenties and Thirties group white elephant exchange. I was sad about this. That group had been my hope of getting more meaningful interactions at home. But I really feel that I was meant to be in Seattle that Sunday.
We talked about God. Getting a group of 10 UU's together to talk about their concept of God is a powerful thing by my standards. I wasn't the only one on a soul searching journey. I wasn't the only one lost in being unemployed. I wasn't the only one who felt lost when it came to god. I cried with strangers and never felt more sated.
Time to see my brother. Time to face my family. Now, Mark will always be more like a friend than family...but he still knows me like family, I can't hide as easily. He knows that the running is temporary and that I need a plan...it's how those who are raised my Karmel succeed. And I decided. I was going to Nursing school. I had tossed the idea around for a while, I knew I needed more classes just to be eligible. So I would take those, and try and get loans as soon as possible and throw my energy into my eventual career instead of the meaningless job I planned to throw away soon anyway. I felt at peace. Talking with Mark, his encouragement...and beer chugging lessons. God I love my Brother.
My mother called. wants to know if I can house sit. I need the money, so I agree. Time to head south. I get on the freeway and my phone rings. The place I interviewed at a month ago is finally ready to train me. In only one week I will be employed. Deeeeeeeeeeep Breaths.
My job is lame. I recharge cell phone minutes in a call center. But it is simple. And easy. And requires no thought outside of those walls. and I can sleep late and take prerequisite courses and pay my bills and get out of bed again. I like the company I work for. That's something. And in this economy, it's kind of everything.
So now I'm home. I'm employed despite a couple weeks of scary weather and scary attendance policies threatening to "end my assignment." I'm happy. I dance now. And listen to music that doesn't make me cry. I'm satisfied.
But the year isn't over. And neither is my story with Chelsea. 4:30 am Christmas Eve I receive a message from her. "Please talk to me" I miss her. I miss her so much. I was hoping she'd write me. I was preying she missed me too. "I'm moving to China." oh.
We talked. For hours. and we kissed. and I let my self slip back into being awkward because I didn't know what else to do. She's gone for 6 months, but things have changed. I don't know what will happen when she gets back, but I know I'll be there. Running away was dumb. I'm ready to face that, but I guess I get another half a year to work my way up to that. Just about a year from the weekend I left her without a word she'll be stateside.
So that's where I am. In limbo. Employed. Enrolled in class. Content, which...is an odd wrap up to this hellish year of discontentment. I hope all is well for you as well, faithful readers who have sat through 3500 self indulgent words. Thank you for being a part of my life.
excited
elated