how am i not myself

My sister had to go to the hospital last Sunday cause she apparently was knocking on her back door, which is really old, and the glass part of the door broke and her arm got really badly cut up. like the Glass went to the bone and cut some ligaments in two. She is going to have surgery on tomorrow to put the Ligaments back together...


For the next three weeks if I am not around as much I am at her house helping her out with the Dishes, cleaning the house, cooking Dinner and watching Sir

I went to church willingly tonight for the first time since my mother died (funerals and weddings don't count) It was a million times harder and more painful then I could have ever been prepared for. Half way into the mass I totally lost it and had to text Lara for some help pulling myself back together.
here is just a clip of the text messages from between us.

Me "Its like loosing my Mom, finding out that I have been cheated on, and being told that you aren't good enough all at the same time."
Lara "Sweetheart just stand up and walk out if you need to. You don't owe anyone anything. And you are good enough, You're awesome"
Me "I thought about it a few times, its just that I feel lied to and hurt... but I don't know if it's the church, Gods or my Fault... or maybe its just all three. I just know that I really need a cigarette but I gave them up for lent"

That went on for about an hour while I tried to pull myself together so I could drive home.

btw I am thankful everyday that I have her in my life.

anyway so I finally pull myself together and I'm about to leave when I remembered that I wanted to find about reconciliation services. Cause that was always my favorite of the sacraments. Plus my main reason for going to church tonight in the first place was to find out when and where I could get that done.

Well at that point I am as pulled together as I am ever going to be, and I walk up and asked this random Deacon about it. He shows me where the confessionals are located and informs me that its every Saturday from 4 to 5 but really I can just come whenever and the priest will make time for me. I then thank him and start to leave, and when he stops to really looks at me before asking if I would like to do it now. To which I'm like Dibs out! I wasn't prepared for how hard mass was going to be on me, the last thing I need is to sit in some small dark room and confess my deepest and darkest sins, I had just stopped crying. Well I thanked him, told him another time and left.

I make it to my car, and I'm starting to pull out of the church when it hits me that this might be the last time I am ever willingly at church. Me, Megan Camille Charity Evans, girl who use to dream of become a nun, and forced all of her friends to play church with her, is about to pull out of this church to never come back.

Well you can guess what came next.... I lost it again... ahh.. I was a mess... so I park my car, and walk back into the church to confess my sins. It had been 3 years since I had gone to church and like 6 years since I have gone to confession.

In the past I had always gone to concession with these huge burdens I had been carrying around with me, like being a cutter, trying to kill myself, things that at that point in time no one knew about me. I don't know why but every time I had gone, I always thought Father Gary is going to tell me that I'm a sinner and I need to change my ways and find the path of God, and to say so many our fathers like they do in the movies. He never said those things to me, he would always just talk to me. He would hug me and tell me that I'm not this monster that I am making myself out to be.

I want to say that today was no different then the rest of those times, but it wasn't. It was completely different because I was completely Different. All those times in the past I had always gone in there with the knowledge and belief that I belonged. I had always in the past gone in with the faith that all I had to do was ask and my sins would be forgiven, but today I didn't have those things, and I wasn't a teenager confessing that she was wanted to die. I was a adult with 3 years worth of hatred for God, and I didn't want to be forgiven.

It was probably the best conversion I have had since my mom died. Talking with him filled a really big whole I have had in my life since her passing. I haven't had a real parent figure. I feel like I lost both of my parents when she died, and talking with someone who has known me for that long, who truly knows my past was unbelievable. In the middle of our talk he looked at me and asked me if I was happy with the person that I am, and the person that I am becoming. He didn't ask me that because he is a priest and I am a sinner who doesn't believe in God anymore. He asked me cause he cares about me, and all he wants is for me to be happy with who I am cause thats what truly matters.

Best "you have join this online forum" email I have ever gotten

French the Llama, looks like you found the way to Your Pants! Congratulations!

Proclaimer12, you are clearly a made-of-awesome Nerdfighter, and we hope that you enjoy Your Pants and make as many jokes as possible about the name of the forum. Post a topic in the Introduce Yourself section and take a look and see who else is new! Grab a corndog while you read about the rules! Find topics to respond to! Make Your Pants a fun place to hang out!

You're awesome! Duh!

Best Wishes!
The Staff of Your Pants

P.S: Go to dft.ba/-yourpants for more fun. ;)

also I would like to share these text messages between me and Lara from Saturday night after everyone went home from watching Fiddler on the Roof

Me 1:28sm Eric Bentley is giving me so many free drinks

Me 1:29am Also Angie talked me into coming out

Lara 1:45am Megan you are with your hopefully future husband. Coming out about what lol?

Lara 1:48am Is this Real? or are you drunk?

Time lapse because I'm in a bar and I don't hear my phone go off

Me 1:54sm I'm coming out to the bar

Lara 1:56am Ohhh going out to the Bar with her! Boo you have to choose your more carefully when you're Texting gay ppl. 'coming out' means one thing to me.

oh miss communions Via text!!! how I find you funny.

The Paradox Of Time
by Henry Austin Dobson

Time goes, you say? Ah no!
Alas, Time stays, we go;
Or else, were this not so,
What need to chain the hours,
For Youth were always ours?
Time goes, you say?-ah no!

Ours is the eyes' deceit
Of men whose flying feet
Lead through some landscape low;
We pass, and think we see
The earth's fixed surface flee:-
Alas, Time stays,-we go!

Once in the days of old,
Your locks were curling gold,
And mine had shamed the crow.
Now, in the self-same stage,
We've reached the silver age;
Time goes, you say?-ah no!

Once, when my voice was strong,
I filled the woods with song
To praise your 'rose' and 'snow';
My bird, that sang, is dead;
Where are your roses fled?
Alas, Time stays,-we go!

See, in what traversed ways,
What backward Fate delays
The hopes we used to know;
Where are our old desires?-
Ah, where those vanished fires?
Time goes, you say?-ah no!

How far, how far, O Sweet,
The past behind our feet
Lies in the even-glow!
Now, on the forward way,
Let us fold hands, and pray;
Alas, Time stays,-we go!

OK 1 or o·kay (ō-kāˈ) Informal
noun pl. OK's or o·kays
Approval; agreement: Get your supervisor's OK before taking a day off.
adjective
Agreeable; acceptable: Was everything OK with your stay?
Satisfactory; good: an OK fellow.
Not excellent and not poor; mediocre: made an OK presentation.
In proper or satisfactory operational or working order: Is the battery OK?
Correct: That answer is OK.
Uninjured; safe: The skier fell but was OK.
Fairly healthy; well: Thanks to the medicine, the patient was OK.
adverb
Fine; well enough; adequately: a television that works OK despite its age.
interjection
Used to express approval or agreement.
transitive verb OK'ed or OK'd or o·kayed, OK'·ing or o·kay·ing, OK's or o·kays
To approve of or agree to; authorize.

I am NOT Ok.... I am putting Sadie down tomorrow


EDIT and I wont want to talk about it. I just wanted to let you guys know so you don't ask about it

From December 29 through January 11 My bank account was frozen because some hackers tried to steal all my money.

Now I log into my bank account so I can pay my Bills and what do I see? NOTHING! My pay check isn't in there!!!! why? because my bank fucking sent my paycheck back! Do you know how long it took me to figure out that my pay check was sent back? All day!! cause first my bank was like "what are you talking about Ms Evans, if we got your money it would show up, your work didn't pay you"

then I call work a little Pissed off, and they are like "what I got paid, thats weird, maybe they are sending you a paper check lets what until delivery get here"

... insert me waiting for delivery ... "Megan its not here, call the Business office about it"

me calling the Business Office "Megan I am showing that we paid you, Maybe you should call your bank again"
Me "but I called them first they said you didn't send anything"
Business office "well we did"

Me calling the Bank again "umm my pay check isn't in my bank account, and I called my work and they said they sent it"
Bank "Ms. Evans can you please hold"
Me "I guess so"
then I get to spend 15 minutes hearing about how direct deposit is the safest and fastest way to get your money....
Bank "Ms Evans our records show that we sent that money back..."
Me ".... ummm why?"
Bank "there was some weird Lock on the account" <--- No joke thats what she said
Me "what kind of Lock? and do I need to get them to just send me a check in the future cause this is going to keep happening?"
Bank "ummm Ms Evans can you Please hold?"
Me ".... really?... yes"
Bank "thank you"
Me hearing again about how great direct deposit is.... and getting more and more pissed off
Bank "No Ms Evans this shouldn't happen again, if you just have your work call here and resend it it will be fine after that"


Me calling the Business office "umm this is Megan from Newburg again, my bank said they sent it back"
Business office "why?"
Me "idk, they what you to call them and resend it"
Business office "Um this is Metro Government, we don't do that. I to call another office and that them call your bank, can I call you back after that?"
Me "... yeah"


20 mins later
Business office "Yeah well we can't give you a new check until we get that money back on the first one"
Me "well when will that be?"
Business office "well that wont happen until at least Monday and then we will have to print you up a check"
Me "so when will I get that?"
Business Office "At least not until sometime Next week"
Me "......"
Business Office "Ms Evans? are you there?"
Me "yeah thanks"
Business office "hope you have a nice weekend"


Me calling the person at the bank who is in-charge of my car loan
Me "Hi, its Megan Evans again I just wanted to let you know that because you guys sent my check back I don't have they money to pay my car loan, but I am just letting you know that, so that this doesn't come back to me, since its your fault"
Bank "what do you mean we sent your check back? why would we do that?"
Me "Good question, one I don't have they answer too"
Bank "well your account is not showing that"
Me "Well my account isn't showing my paycheck either, and I have already talked to you guys 3 times today about this, so whenever I finally do get this paycheck I will pay you"
Bank "Well I will have to check this out and call you back Ms. Evans"


.... to have them not call me back at all....


... also you might be asking who I bank with that sucks so much balls? well its a FUCKING Credit Union, they are supposed to be the best!


also if my phone gets cut off, sorry :-( I just don't have the money to pay that either, cause all my dollars went to LG&E, the Water Bill and the house payment

"Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

— John Green (Looking for Alaska)


"I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is."
— John Green (Paper Towns)

I watched her write. Except for being a little grimy, she looks like she has always looked. I don't know why but I always thought she would look different. Older. That I would barely recognize her when I finally saw her again. But there she is, and I am watching her through the Plexiglas, and she looks like Margo Roth Spiegelman, this girl I have known since I was two--this girl who was an idea that I loved.

And it is only now, when she closes her notebook and places it inside a backpack next to her and then stands up and walks toward us, that I realize that the idea is not on'y wrong but dangerous. What a treacherous thing it is to believe that a person is more then a person.

-- Paper Towns
John Green 2008

There are two topics about book that I was to talk about. Topic 1 E-books. Topic 2 what I will be reading until the end of April.

E-Books! I have either seen the light or have been brainwashed like everyone else, but I am coming around to E-Books. I know that in the past I have always be very anti E-books, I just love the touch and smell of normal books to much to ever really give e-book a chance, But not any longer. What made me change my mind you might ask? Was it the fact that its greener and saves God knows how many trees? No was it the fact that I can adjust the text size to my liking? No. Was it the fact that I can put them on my flash drive and read it on my work computer giving off the appearance that I’m actually working and not reading a book? Well... a little, but mostly I came around at 3:30am the other day, when I finished reading a book for work, that I didn’t know what part of a series, and I had to know what happened next! It was 3:30am so it wasn’t like I could get up and drive to the book store, or go to the library and pick up the next book in the series. And I didn’t know in advance that it was part of a series so I was very ill prepared, what was a girl to do? I couldn’t fall asleep not knowing what was happening next, so broke down and got online and downloaded the rest of the series. I will always prefer the look and feel of normal books, and I thought of having a library with tons of books on the shelves rather then a flash drive with files and files of books on it, but now I no longer look at E-books with the same distance as I did in the past.


What I will be reading!
Southwent Ohio and Neighboring Libraries are hosting a Reading Challenge from February 1 through April 29th. LFPL is entering, and yours truly was recruited to join one of the teams. The Challenge this year is to see what team can read the most Teen Fiction Books. Teams are made up from 3 to 9 people and we have to keep track of how many pages or teen lit we read be, and the team with the highest average number of pages win. So sorry book club but if its not teen fiction then I am no reading it, and you are not allowed to get on my case about how many teen books I am reading because its for work. (also if I start talking and acting more like a teenager Please forgive me)

and