Shapeshifting

I'm at home for the rest of the summer.
It's soooo boring. At work, I just sit there waiting for someone to come in and take a tour. But...most days no one does. I've watched five seasons of How I Met Your Mother, one of Doctor Who, Chocolat, Love in the Time of Cholera (then was inspired read the book again), Bend it Like Beckham, and now I'm restarting Gilmore Girls. I guess it cold be worse...I could have to actually work at work. lol.
Even at home there's not much to do. There is no one around to hang out with.
Not that I feel like hanging out with anyone. I feel so strange around my high school friends. I think I'm actually scared of them. I was waiting for Camera Obscura to come on stage at The National when I saw Rachel enter. I hadn't seen her in a year but we talk every once and a while. It was soo strange and uncomfortable. I think she was really put off by the way I am now. And the girl with her knew Kyle through his ex (of course) and that just made the whole situation worse. I even tried to see Whitney, but she and I were never really on the same page at all.
So now, all thats left to do is watch tv and work out. Lol, my limbs feel like jelly. I haven't worked out in sooo long. But afterwards I feel incredibly tired and I lay on the floor and put my fingers in my ears. All I can hear is the beat of my heart and the cracking of my joints which are slowly becoming arthritic with time. Nothing else. It's like being underwater. And I think this must be what it feels like to die. I take my fingers out of my ears and it all comes flooding back and I'm alive again.

Anyway...
I've been addicted to reading formspring accounts ever since I've had all of this time and decided to set up one of my own. Ask me anything!
www.formspring.me/tilleul

I haven't posted in a long while, and this is why:
In April, Kyle decided to break up with me. Not that we've been adhering to the standard break up code: we still do everything in the same routine we did before only I'm only allowed to call him my boyfriend to my family. Neither of our parents know. It's a lot easier to explain each other coming around that way.

And, it kills me.

Every morning I wake up and remember  that I wasn't good enough to keep him. My nightmares of abandonment are worse than ever.

I've been crying in the middle of classes and no one knows what to do.

I haven't changed it on facebook yet. (I can't really figure out how on the newer look but I also can't take anyone else asking me "what happened")

It was horrible. It all started again when this girl showed up in his life. She flirted with him constantly and showed up to a show we were supposed to go to together with him. I had to walk home before the second band even went on. I watched Doctor Who all night. I didn't sleep.

The night he actually did it was horrible. I stayed at his place because he's my best friend. I can't talk to anyone else like I can to him. Maybe that was part of the problem. I told him too much about how I felt. But he was cruel...and I'm not sure he's ever been that cruel.

And I'm upset right now because he's in Harrisonburg partying it up. And I'm at home with nothing but the knowledge that no one will ever love me. They can't. And I don't know why. I'm so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And deep down I'm fairly sure that that's how it's going to be because no one will put up with me again.
We're still together even though there's no real label on it and he does this.

Every year around April he breaks up with me and goes up there. Why can't I be good enough to grant a single text message out of him? What's wrong with me?

I want t leave this all on my therapists office answering machine. She told me I could call and just let everything out. But I'm worried that she'll charge me and my parents will be upset . I can't talk to anyone

I sit all day in a decaying museum and chip off fresh nail polish to calm my nerves and worry that I'm going insane because I can't think of anything but him.

I am now a DJ on WMWC.
My first broadcast is tomorrow at 6pm!!!

The Question: What should I name my show? I play some fun twangy music and have a different poet read their work for 10 minutes every broadcast.

And let me know your requests! I'll dedicate songs to whoever asks for one :)

(ps- the show can be heard by going to umwblogs.org and following the links to the radio station)

I am most definitley a cat person. They're adorable and they have varied personalities.
I don't think my cats need me half as much as I need them.
(In fact I know they don't...Henry has another family down the road. He'll leave for a month or two and comes back when he's tired of them.)

I have six cats at home...
Pablo Neruda, Darryl, Henry VIII, Malia, Sasha, and Peaches.

But I also have six dogs...
Zach, Indy, Watkins, Beamer, Chubbles, and the unnamed beagle that turned up a few weeks ago.

I live on a large farm, so they all have lots of room to run and play. I like to give a home to as many animals as possible. Esecially the ones who are in dire need of a home.

As for the roomate question...my current roomate is allergic to cats. She hates them as well. But we live in a dorm so cats are out of the question anyway. Howevver, the girl I'm living with next year off of campus loooves cats. The problem is that our landlord does not.
So next year I'm actually thinking about getting a little dog. One with an attitude problem, preferably. Those are the cutest.

I can't believe I forgot to post this.
The day after MLK day, Nikki Giovanni came and spoke. And she was amazing.
I've always wanted to see her. She was so strong while speaking. Dr. Giovanni talked about her new childrens book on Rosa Parks and about her relationship with Parks. That reall blew my mind.
She's not only an amazing poet, she knew Rosa Parks! It must be amazing to get a phone call from ROSA PARKS.
She read a few poems on Africa after that and then she was gone. I had a few questions for her but the question period was cut short.
She's such a cool lady.

Lately, I've just been writing a lot of poetry and writing for the campus newspaper. It takes up ALL of my time. Today I was supposed to cover the roof collapsing on Annex B (because of the roughtly three feet of snow here) and when I went to get the camera, my editor informed me that the managing editor had taken over so we could get it out on Thursday and I already had a piece for this weeks paper. That really ruffled my feathers. I know the Geography Department reallllyyyy well. I had set up interviews (conducted 2) got a pass from the movers to go inside the building, had notes prepared, and was on my way. I don't know. Maybe it was in my best interest. But I was really upset that they took it away. I felt so shameful having to cancel my interviews. I took up time from professors that did not need to be taken up.

Oh well. Here is the link to my class poetry (used to be communications) blog if anyone wants to read.
tilleul.umwblogs.org/

Happy February everyone! I hope you're all enjoying the snow as much as I am.

Today is my last day of teenagerdom.
And tonight...the winter storm of the century is supposed to hit.
I was born on a day that set heat records in February. Under a clear sky.
And every year since has been wrought with precipitation and cold. I find that it is only fitting that I turn 20 in a blizzard.

I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I had planned on going to the Edgar Allan Poe museum again but there's nooo way I'll be able to get out the Fredericksburg. Hahaha...I won't even be able to go downtown for dinner.

In a weird way, I feel like I'm losing a part of myself. I've gotten so used to being a teenager. I like it.
I'll need to do somthing really angsty today.

 

I got this from shea_phoenix . It looked like too much fun to pass up.

 

I miss Jay Reatard.

Yum.
Drinking Cherry Crush.
It tastes a bit like Robitussin and is syrupy almost to the point of revultion...
but it's so wonderfully delicious.

It's a good moment.

Wow. It's Christmas Eve.
Weird how it snuck up on me like that.

I've been working day and night on Kyle's Christmas present (a quilt) and I officially now have 24 hours to finish it. Lol, my own fault for starting only a week ago.
Bu exams this semester were ridiculous and I had no time at all toward the end of the semester.

Winter break has been...odd. It all began the night before I came home when my mom called me and told me that my friend Matt's brother had committed suicide. Shot himself on his brother's bed. Adam and Collin, who I actually saw earlier today had to carry the mattress out of the house. The entire thing seemed so surreal. I half expect to walk into Uptown Coffee and see him there with his family watching bluegrass on Friday night. I feel so bad that he felt so alone and hopeless. And I wish I could have done something. I was driving home when the memorial took place. I heard it was sparsely attended and wished I could have been there for them.

Less important I suppose, but still very sad were the animal deaths that happened not too long after my arrival here. My fish was knocked from his bowl by my cats and though got him back in the water and tried to care for him, he passed during the night of the incident.It was a weird feeling. I've talked more to this fish than I ever did to Matt's brother. I projected a personality onto it. And I loved it because it never criticised me, was appreciative for all I did (to my knowledge) and didn't flare up at me when I came near it like my roommates fish, Naomi, does. His name was Kyle Jr, and I have frozen him so he may have a proper funeral in Fredericksburg where he is from. This may seem frivolous, but I have a hard time letting go of things. Especially since on nights when I felt very alone, I would read my stories and papers out loud to my fish, and he never complained. :)
Also, the night after my mother's Christmas Fundraiser Cocktail Party, my dad found a newborn calf in the snow. It's mother died during childbirth and it looked as if it had some injuries. We filled a barn stall with hay, cleaned it up, and made some calf formula for it to drink. The first night it ate, but the second we weren't so lucky. When I was feeding it the bottle, it just let the milk run out of it's mouth. It swallowed a little, but certainly not enough. It's nose was running and it could not stand. My dad gave it a shot of antibiotics and I stayed with it as long as I could. But in the morning it had died. I named him the day earlier Babe. Maybe after the movie, and maybe after Paul Bunyan's ox (hoping he would have the same strength to pull through). My dad thinks I'm crazy, but I'm making it a little headstone for the grave site.

And today, I found out that Rex Wolf died during surgery. Mr. Wolf was so nice to me. He and his wife brought me dinner when I worked at the pool and couldn't leave to get it. They invited to over to their house at Christmastime and during the Kenbridge Centennial. I have a great picture of him dressed up as the founder of Kenbridge during the celebration. It does not seem fair that such a nice man should have to die. He was one of those rare selfless people. I remember one time I was in Chesterfield (over an hour away) in Starbucks and had spilled my coffee after taking off the lid to add nutmeg. He and his wife, Suzy, appeared almost out of nowhere with napkins and helped me clean up the mess. They were always so sweet.

It just does not seem fair that families should lose anyone at this time of year. It really puts things into perspective, thinking about who I just could not live without. And who I want to thank every day for being a part of my life.

Weird things are happening in this sleepy corner of the world.
The bank was robbed down the street from the museum I work at. There are currently hostages in a post office a few towns over. There is never violence here. It snowed. It never snows here.
It's almost as if reality of seeping in the corner of these secluded small towns and forcing them to give up their way of life to join the rest of the world.

But for now, I'm very tired. I wanted to churn out a post to let everyone know that yes, I'm still here. And to remind myself when looking back of how I felt.

Happy Holidays Everyone! I hope it is all you're hoping for.