First Post in a Long Time
I haven't posted in a long while, and this is why:
In April, Kyle decided to break up with me. Not that we've been adhering to the standard break up code: we still do everything in the same routine we did before only I'm only allowed to call him my boyfriend to my family. Neither of our parents know. It's a lot easier to explain each other coming around that way.
And, it kills me.
Every morning I wake up and remember that I wasn't good enough to keep him. My nightmares of abandonment are worse than ever.
I've been crying in the middle of classes and no one knows what to do.
I haven't changed it on facebook yet. (I can't really figure out how on the newer look but I also can't take anyone else asking me "what happened")
It was horrible. It all started again when this girl showed up in his life. She flirted with him constantly and showed up to a show we were supposed to go to together with him. I had to walk home before the second band even went on. I watched Doctor Who all night. I didn't sleep.
The night he actually did it was horrible. I stayed at his place because he's my best friend. I can't talk to anyone else like I can to him. Maybe that was part of the problem. I told him too much about how I felt. But he was cruel...and I'm not sure he's ever been that cruel.
And I'm upset right now because he's in Harrisonburg partying it up. And I'm at home with nothing but the knowledge that no one will ever love me. They can't. And I don't know why. I'm so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And deep down I'm fairly sure that that's how it's going to be because no one will put up with me again.
We're still together even though there's no real label on it and he does this.
Every year around April he breaks up with me and goes up there. Why can't I be good enough to grant a single text message out of him? What's wrong with me?
I want t leave this all on my therapists office answering machine. She told me I could call and just let everything out. But I'm worried that she'll charge me and my parents will be upset . I can't talk to anyone
I sit all day in a decaying museum and chip off fresh nail polish to calm my nerves and worry that I'm going insane because I can't think of anything but him.
In April, Kyle decided to break up with me. Not that we've been adhering to the standard break up code: we still do everything in the same routine we did before only I'm only allowed to call him my boyfriend to my family. Neither of our parents know. It's a lot easier to explain each other coming around that way.
And, it kills me.
Every morning I wake up and remember that I wasn't good enough to keep him. My nightmares of abandonment are worse than ever.
I've been crying in the middle of classes and no one knows what to do.
I haven't changed it on facebook yet. (I can't really figure out how on the newer look but I also can't take anyone else asking me "what happened")
It was horrible. It all started again when this girl showed up in his life. She flirted with him constantly and showed up to a show we were supposed to go to together with him. I had to walk home before the second band even went on. I watched Doctor Who all night. I didn't sleep.
The night he actually did it was horrible. I stayed at his place because he's my best friend. I can't talk to anyone else like I can to him. Maybe that was part of the problem. I told him too much about how I felt. But he was cruel...and I'm not sure he's ever been that cruel.
And I'm upset right now because he's in Harrisonburg partying it up. And I'm at home with nothing but the knowledge that no one will ever love me. They can't. And I don't know why. I'm so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And deep down I'm fairly sure that that's how it's going to be because no one will put up with me again.
We're still together even though there's no real label on it and he does this.
Every year around April he breaks up with me and goes up there. Why can't I be good enough to grant a single text message out of him? What's wrong with me?
I want t leave this all on my therapists office answering machine. She told me I could call and just let everything out. But I'm worried that she'll charge me and my parents will be upset . I can't talk to anyone
I sit all day in a decaying museum and chip off fresh nail polish to calm my nerves and worry that I'm going insane because I can't think of anything but him.