pixie0707, posts by tag: self-reflection - LiveJournal

"You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman.  You already are loved and valued.  You're good enough exactly as you are.  Do you believe this?  Because it's true.  You have limitless worth and value.  If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for.

Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make.  Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man.  Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you.  You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.

You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this.  The temptation will be to go searching for your worth and validity from places other than your creator.

Especially from men.

But you don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love.  You're better than that.  You're already loved...

Your strength is a beautiful thing.  And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level. 

You are worth dying for."

- "Sex God" - Rob Bell

When I was younger, I thought love was just this magical thing that you fall into and suddenly see stars. It wasn't until I met Nick that I realized that God has designed someone especially for us. I have also learned that you build love, you don't just "fall" into it, and that with love comes good moments and bad moments - each good moment becomes a priceless memory and each bad moment becomes a learning block.

I also believe that no great love has ever been proven great without having been tested. Nick and I are going through a test right now, and I believe that the love we share is strong enough to survive whatever comes our way. We've had our tests in the past; we're in the biggest test we've ever experienced now, and I know we'll have more, but we have the rest of the lives to work through them...

I drove to Texas on Thursday with one of the men on Nick's crew and arrived there Thursday evening. When I saw Nick for the first time in almost a month, I coud have dissolved on the spot. We hugged and the bond, the chemistry, the love was still there. He took me out on a tour of Houston - I can see why he loves it there. I loved it, too, and wish we had more time to explore it together. He took me to an amazing Italian restaurant and we had a couple of drinks with dinner. After dinner, he took me out to Galveston, where the crew had been working, and showed me what they had done there. He also took me to the beach and we sat on the sea wall for a long time, just holding each other. He doesn't know it, but I spent a good chunk of that time praying... I was praying for him, that God would keep His hand on his life and on the path he is taking with the company. I prayed that God would keep the crew safe and the company successful, and that He would give Nick strength, peace, widsom and comfort throughout each day and night. I asked God to teach me how to love Nick like He loves Nick...

We stayed out until 4:00 in the morning and then went back to the house and fell asleep in each others arms for a few hours before it was time to head back to Jacksonville. Nick and I talked most of the way there, and we finally had THE talk - I told him about what I had been through in the years before him and who I associated with... and then I told him the truth about that night with Paul. It was not easy to do, but afterwards, I felt so much better, knowing that I had finally done the right thing. Nick was very attentive and interjected questions when he needed to, and above all, he was understanding.
 
I had told myself that even if it meant losing Nick, I would have that conversation with him, and even though it would have been easier to read him the letter I had written, I wanted to go in there as upfront, honest, and yes, vulnerable as possible. I think you can't ever really let someone love you fully until you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them. If you're not vulnerable, you may never know if you can really trust them - not just in the every day sense, but also in the emotional, mental, and spiritual sense. And so, probably for the first time in our relatioship, I bared my soul. I won't lie and say that I wasn't scared, because I was. Yet, at the same time, I had a sense of peace, because I knew I had done the right thing, and that having that conversation was the final step to starting out with a clean slate.

We arrived home late Friday night, dropped Nick's step-brother, Jorge, off at his mom's, and then we came home. Having Nick here with me for the first time in a month made me realize how much I had taken his presence here and in my life for granted. I hadn't thought  that I really did take it for granted, but I knew that night that I had... We caught up on some love-making and then fell happily into bed, and into each other's arms. 

Then, yesterday, we went with his family for Monica's 3-D ultrasound and needless to say, it was amazing. Terrance is going to be sooo cute! He has fat little cheeks, a cute button nose, big feet and tiny legs  =)  I can't wait to hold him in a couple more months. After the sonogram, we drove around with Angela for a bit and then went back to his mom's for lunch. We hung out there for a while and then went home to do some work on the fish tanks. We wound up taking Milton's remains to the beach and "laying him to rest" there. I called Mark on the way home to see if he wanted to do dinner and drinks with us, since he was in town helping my mom with some stuff, and we made plans to meet later that evening.  We met at Gator's to watch - of all things - the Gator game and dined on some yummy wings. It was great to see Mark for a while and spend time with two of my favorite men  =)

I won't go into any more drawn-out details, but suffice it to say that the weekend was wonderful. On the way to dinner last night, Nick mentioned that DeAnna would probably feel better about things once she found out that we had dinner with Mark. When I asked him why he'd think that, he said, "Because then she'll see that the only thing that has changed between us is a couple of titles." It sure felt that way... we kissed, held hands, held each other, talked, laughed, made love... and yet, it was different - it was better. I felt like we were two adults instead of one adult and one angsty teenager. We've both changed, even over the past two months, but I think the changes we been through and the changes we've made not only make us better individuals, but they also make us better for each other...

At the end of the day, I may not currently have the title  of "girlfriend," but I am still "his Katie" and he still loves me. That is what matters at the end of the day.

I still miss Nick like crazy, and sometimes a part of me just aches for him, but I am staying strong because I know that, as Nick said, this "away more than he's here is ONLY temporary" and that "it will all be worth it in the end."

And it will.

This time change has me all discombobulated. It feels later than it is... I feel like it's 6:00 pm, but really, it's only 4:45 pm.

Having an extra hour is nice  =)

I had a pretty good day today. I did a lot of writing well into the early hours of this morning - partly working on my story for NaNoWriMo and partly getting everything down on paper that I remember from the past ten years. It's been a really enlightening experience and even though it's my past that I'm writing down, seeing it in black-and-white and looking at it with "new eyes," I feel like I know myself better.

I am really excited about this NaNoWriMo thing, although my inner editor and my inner critic have been on my case full-time since yesterday morning. I know I am going to have to write my heart out for this next month, but I am absolutely determined to finish with no less than 50,000 words by November 30th, although I am shooting more for 100,000. (Gulp!) I am doing this for ME.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. I met up with the Jacksonville NaNoWriMo group at a local Panera restaurant and I met a lot of nice people. One girl, Tiffany, and I hit it right off. We wound up sitting at the same table and were actually the last two left by the end of the afternoon. I stayed there about two hours more than I had planned on, but it was nice spending time with a bunch of crazy writers like myself  =)

I went to the gym afterwards and had a great work-out. I believe going to the gym has now become a habit for me. I've gone every day for the past two weeks, and although some work-outs are better than others, at least I go. I am really serious about losing weight and even though the pounds aren't dripping off, I already feel better and I think I look better, too.

You know, for a long time, I've been seen as insecure, needy, immature, in need of growth... And even though this experience has been tough, I'm glad things happened the way they did because now everyone has to see me as something else.

Nick told me last night that my changes and my growth have been at his expense. And he's right. But it's been at my own expense, too. I don't like knowing that I have hurt the one person I love more than life itself... I don't like knowing that I have been viewed as insecure and immature. I have not been comfortable with having to take a real good look about the way I have lived my life and the decisions I made in the past...

But, Nick always said that something would happen to me that would finally push me across the brink from feeling like a girl to feeling like a woman, and I know that this is it.

I have taken a personal inventory of all my strengths and weaknesses and the areas I need to improve in order to move ahead, and I have set my goals and have mapped out a plan of action to see things through.

I am learning that  that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life just to serve my needs, ease my insecurities, or meet "my" standards and expectations.

I am learning that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.

I am learning that I need to stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

I am learning that I don't know all the answers and that it's not my job to save the world.

I am learning to keep my Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

I am learning that I need to stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer," hungry for looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.

I have accepted the fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am, and that's okay. 

I have promised myself to give myself the same unconditional love and support that I have given to others.

I am learning to discard the doctrines I have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

I am learning that it is important that I am the person I want to be and not someone that others think I "should be" and that others cannot know what is best for me, although perhaps they sometimes think they do.

I am learning that forgiveness of self is necessary before others can forgive me.

I've always had a habit of putting things I was not comfortable with in a little closet in my mind - neatly tucked away.

Not just with issues I've had in the past, but anything to do with anyone I love.

I used to hate talking about the flaws in people I love and I hated thinking about what they may or may not have done in their past. I see now that it was just pure denial and not being comfortable with myself, first and foremost.  For example, I know my brothers have a past that is less than golden and up till now, I've been tucking those thoughts away in a neat little closet and going on pretending that they're perfect.

But, coming to grips with myself and my past - the good and the bad - over the past couple of weeks has made me comfortable enough to accept the the people I love, themselves and their past. They say that, "True love is learning to love an imperfect person perfectly," and I think I finally understand what that means now...

Gina shared a quote by Oscar Wilde with me last night: "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." What a wonderful thought that is. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is unclear but today - today is the day to live in.


I want an extraordinary life. That is what I am going to live for, from now on.

". . . love from one being to another can only be that two solitudes come nearer, recognize and protect and comfort each other. "

- Han Suvin

I've spent too much time this past week trying to figure out where my relationship with Nick will lead, but that's not much help.

I love Nick and this situation is no different than any situation we've ever been in, really. He has made a decision and because I love and trust him, I must support that decision, even if it confuses me sometimes, even if I don't always fully understand it.

I also need to protect the relationship we do have, even if the dynamics of it have changed.

This hasn't been easy on Nick and I need to remember that, instead of questioning him and badgering him at almost every turn.

Dignity, grace and understanding. These are three characteristics I need to take on if I am going to handle this the way I'd like to.

And so, I will.

I never doubted Nick.

I doubted myself.

I doubted that I would be able to handle whatever came along, not his ability to get us through it and make the right decisions.

I realized that today while I was driving along the interstate.

Maybe it's something I picked up from my mom, maybe it's just something that started as a little niggle in the back of my mind and grew into a monster.

Whatever or however it started, it has to end.

I am on my own now and I have to take care of myself and trust myself to get through each day, doing the very best I can.

How can I trust someone else or have faith in someone else if I don't trust or have faith in my own self, in my own judgement?

You know what's funny? The morning after Nick told me that he didn't want to be together, after I had done my crying, I had only one thought in my head: What do I need to do now and how can I get it done?

My heart is breaking, but my spirit is strong. It's time to end the ridiculous cycle I put myself into almost ten years ago. I am a grown woman and I am responsible for making my way in the world.

Success is my only option; failure is not.

I feel like I have aged endlessly the past three days.

What a sobering experience loneliness is, and knowing that you and you alone are responsible for taking care of yourself.

Nick decided that we need to be apart. He wants to give his whole attention and dedication to getting things in Texas up and running and he wants absolutely no obligations - including a girlfriend - at home. He also thinks I have some growing and maturing to do, and while I know he's right, it doesn't make this any more easier to bear. I had always thought that a couple should tough things out together, similarly to the song that goes:

I'd rather have bad times with you
than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart.
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.

But, I guess time apart is necessary for some. It sure is a deal-maker or a deal-breaker. You either stay true to yourself and the one you love throughout the time apart or you don't.

In my case, I know I'd wait a thousand years for him. I have known since the day I met Nick that he was "the one." There are too many circumstances that surrounded our meeting and then staying together for four years that tell me it's nothing less than meant to be.

I so badly want to call him every minute and tell him that I love him and miss him and want him to come home to me, but it's not the right thing to do. Not right now. But I still can't get him off my mind. At the end of the day, whether you're a few feet apart or a thousand miles apart, it's nice to know that somone is there, loving you the way you love them, and knowing that they are yours, heart, mind, body and soul.

I had been so set on marrying Nick one day and having beautiful children with him, growing old with him, and in short, living "happily ever after" with him that now, it's felt like someone jerked the rug out from underneath my feet.

I do know that no matter what happens in the future, I will never take love for granted again. I will never take Nick for granted again. 

I am hoping and praying that when the time is right, we can start over again - no games, no expectations, no pressure. Just love.... 




I am still living in the house. I will start paying for all of the utilities - electric, satellite, phone, gas, pest control, etc. It's a MAJOR change for me, but I know I can do it. 

I started a new job two nights ago, working with Gina as a maid at a local car dealership. It is a 14,000 square foot showroom, which, of couse, is a lot of hard work, but between the two of us, we get it all done on an average of three hours on a good night, or five hours on a bad night.  Our boss says as long as everything is as it's supposed to be and there are no complaints, he doesn't care if we work 25 hours a week or 40 - he'll still pay us for 40. You can't really beat that. The only caveat is that we are working seven nights a week.

Doubtless, this isn't going to be easy for me, and I know it's not supposed to be, but I know that with strength and faith, I'll be okay.

I will definitely be keeping myself busy. I'll be working every night, and may take on a part-time day job to have some extra money coming in that I can put in Savings. I'll be participating in NaNoWriMo in November as planned, so that will keep me very busy throughout that month, especially with over 1,000 words needing to be written each day in order to meet my goal. I plan on attending all of the Write-In's that I can, and maybe I'll make some new girlfriends.

That's the plan, anyway, but I am satisfied taking it day-by-day. That's all I - or anyone - can do.

I believe our lives can be measured in seasons.

We all go through seasons of loss, love, growth, recession, understanding and confusion, among other things.

I believe I am in a season of growth.

I have been in situations the past few months that I've never been in before, and while I may not always handle the stress the way I should, it has taught me a lot about faith and the resiliency of the human heart and soul.

Now, more than ever, I am learning to lean on God and to have more faith in His will and His purpose for things. It is a daily struggle between my human nature and His Divine Nature, but with continued strength and wisdom, I hope to be better equipped to balance it.