Where are the clowns?

I feel like I have aged endlessly the past three days.

What a sobering experience loneliness is, and knowing that you and you alone are responsible for taking care of yourself.

Nick decided that we need to be apart. He wants to give his whole attention and dedication to getting things in Texas up and running and he wants absolutely no obligations - including a girlfriend - at home. He also thinks I have some growing and maturing to do, and while I know he's right, it doesn't make this any more easier to bear. I had always thought that a couple should tough things out together, similarly to the song that goes:

I'd rather have bad times with you
than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart.
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.

But, I guess time apart is necessary for some. It sure is a deal-maker or a deal-breaker. You either stay true to yourself and the one you love throughout the time apart or you don't.

In my case, I know I'd wait a thousand years for him. I have known since the day I met Nick that he was "the one." There are too many circumstances that surrounded our meeting and then staying together for four years that tell me it's nothing less than meant to be.

I so badly want to call him every minute and tell him that I love him and miss him and want him to come home to me, but it's not the right thing to do. Not right now. But I still can't get him off my mind. At the end of the day, whether you're a few feet apart or a thousand miles apart, it's nice to know that somone is there, loving you the way you love them, and knowing that they are yours, heart, mind, body and soul.

I had been so set on marrying Nick one day and having beautiful children with him, growing old with him, and in short, living "happily ever after" with him that now, it's felt like someone jerked the rug out from underneath my feet.

I do know that no matter what happens in the future, I will never take love for granted again. I will never take Nick for granted again. 

I am hoping and praying that when the time is right, we can start over again - no games, no expectations, no pressure. Just love.... 




I am still living in the house. I will start paying for all of the utilities - electric, satellite, phone, gas, pest control, etc. It's a MAJOR change for me, but I know I can do it. 

I started a new job two nights ago, working with Gina as a maid at a local car dealership. It is a 14,000 square foot showroom, which, of couse, is a lot of hard work, but between the two of us, we get it all done on an average of three hours on a good night, or five hours on a bad night.  Our boss says as long as everything is as it's supposed to be and there are no complaints, he doesn't care if we work 25 hours a week or 40 - he'll still pay us for 40. You can't really beat that. The only caveat is that we are working seven nights a week.

Doubtless, this isn't going to be easy for me, and I know it's not supposed to be, but I know that with strength and faith, I'll be okay.

I will definitely be keeping myself busy. I'll be working every night, and may take on a part-time day job to have some extra money coming in that I can put in Savings. I'll be participating in NaNoWriMo in November as planned, so that will keep me very busy throughout that month, especially with over 1,000 words needing to be written each day in order to meet my goal. I plan on attending all of the Write-In's that I can, and maybe I'll make some new girlfriends.

That's the plan, anyway, but I am satisfied taking it day-by-day. That's all I - or anyone - can do.