Pg-chan

So Chris brought Gabi and Brain back for a day, just a day. Also another kid, who was way better than these more grown kids. 

The message they seem to have gotten from this is that they won't do things INSIDE now. But this means that they're not fixing anything they did/left. And it was only a day, I get it. But the solve for everything being outside is they stuffed it all in the garage? Like a kid told to clean their room and then just pushes everything into the closet. The bags of plastic and such aren't even sorted, I can't just load them up. 

And I don't want to passive aggressive my way around this, like is my wont. Like posting, hey, just loaded up the new dishwasher they got me for the first time! With all the dishes they left in the sink for me! 

Like that. But that's me. I don't want to be terrible. But that's my first thought. I have to say, a good percentage of this distress from all of this is not being able to be as visibly distressed as I actually am. Even trying to get the message across, that this is NOT daijoubu. I tried to pat softly and let them know they are not in danger, but this is unacceptable. I am sick and best I can manage towards chicken soup and hot tea at this point is ramen and Sprite, and turned around making ramen and had a moment of where's my measuring cup, where are any of the measuring cups, where are half the cups, what the hell. And just had to. Be. 

I had a terrible last 24 hrs of my trip due to missing out on a flight and having to fly out stupid early. Then I come home and my house is a disaster. Gabi was TRYING to help, I guess. Her compulsion to clean got in her and she went WAY WAY too far. For trying to clean, the house is infuriatingly not even clean on top of being a disaster. 

She rearranged the drawers even. Every countertop, tabletop, everything's moved around and not even consistently. She took ALL the rugs outside, ALL of them, and then it rained and they're not even clean out there, I can see the dust and litter and such, but now they're dirty AND wet and the whole of upstairs at least is gonna need a mopping now because of walking around in shoes with all the rugs gone and all the dust kicked up by moving everything. She got a dishwasher from a free group and installed it, and I didn't tell her to do that, and now I look at it and don't know what it's indicated and it was running apparently all day when I got home yet somiehow the sink is still full?! And there are things EVERYWHERE! The surfaces are STILL all covered but now I have no idea where ANYTHING is and it's all just a mess! 

There's something to be said for not having to explain things, for all the things you DON'T have to say with someone. There's no replacement for that. It makes all relationships different. 

I get sad when I hear something I want to tell my dad and then can't. I got excited when I heard they'd found the Endeavor and thought how interested he'd be but. Thinking tonight, something occurred to me and I wanted to tell him a thought but there's noone to talk to about it. It's not even things that need to be said, it's just that there's no place for this to go. There's no replacement for this. 

It's not really a bombshell to be lonely. It's hard sometimes just knowing that things begin and end with me now. It feels very lonely thinking of the plans for what would happen if something happened to me. 

I tried going out of town for just one day this weekend. I was very worried about Diana when I got back and she didn't respond to my calls, she's so old, I worry. Now I haven't seen Fatty and I'm worried. I thought more than once over the past day that I really wished I could call the kitties and check that they're okay n_n Noone being at home with them, having noone to check with, it's hard. I left extra water out and they drank it all up, caused a bit of mess, ate lots of kibble. I hope they're not too miffed at me. I was just reading something about really you shouldn't leave them alone longer than 24 hrs at most, and it was a bit over that for me this time ._. Whenever I go out it tends to be for 12 hours, it seems. It's so far to town that when I go out it's for the duration. Can't just pop out and back. I'm glad the kitties have each other. Even if they're not really interacting, they know the others are there. They have community. I hope I'm not stressing them out. 

I feel like I'm constantly forgetting to do so many things, always doing so many things, and getting nothing done, all at the same time. 

I went to the assessor's office, and it turns out that was for PERSONAL property, which is basically the cars? So I got that done again, and my car is already good till Dec, but Dad's car's tags come up in August. His car is already sitting in there with the battery dead from non-use for so long, and I have to get rid of it. It just makes no sense. I sent in payment for the insurance, but it makes no sense to continue. I know some have mentioned it's good to have an extra, but it's not really viable to keep up on and keep using to keep active. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting my cooking. I always have, but now it's even worse bc there's seriously nobody else. No possibility of anyone else picking up that slack. I'm trying to use what I have effectively. I shouldn't have to buy much food for a while, only seriously perishable things and the revolving door of soda. I had wondered about food stamps previously and looked it up, but it's very odd the way they handle it and living with Dad I didn't qualify for it and that was fine. Now I would, but I wonder. It should be okay for a while. 

I sent some papers off to Steve Helms as he's on the board for Dad's pension and he suggested that there was a possibility of me getting that pension as Dad's beneficiary. They hadn't been too keen on it before when Dad brought it up to them, and I've noticed that they've since changed their wordage so going forward it's a beneficiary SPOUSE specifically. But this was so quick. Helms is feeling optimistic. Honestly, it would be a game changer. Even if it meant that I'd lose my disability payments, it would more than replace them, and if it ran out later I could apply for disability again. I'm unclear on whether it would invalidate those, tbh. I need to talk to the lawyer again. I need to talk to accountants too for this year's taxes, my dad's final taxes, the estate. So much to do. There's always so much to do and so little gets done. 

I

I've been trying to get through one thing at a time. It's horrible. Everything is horrible. I'm not okay at all, but I'm going to get through this because I have to. I will do this one thing, and then I will do another thing. Everything is bad right now, it's going to be bad for a while. I have to keep one step at a time. I really don't want to breakdown in public. 

On Friday, the Mercy nurse, Sabrina, came by and was glad to see he wasn't as bad as the last time she saw him. She was really worried about his sudden extreme weakness, and all she could suggest was calling 911 to have him taken to the nearest emergency room and then transferred to the VA. He got a bit angry, very insistent, that he did not want to go to the ER. That was that. 

A couple of times thru the night he called me, just calling loudly, he had been having trouible with his phone which I'm pretty sure was just him accidentally touching it in multiple places while holding it. I came up, and struggled with him, helping him go to the bathroom, cleaning up, heating up food for him, making sure he had plenty of water. The last thing he said to me was, "Thank you, Athena." 

We're not even thru s4 now, but it's getting so I yell at this show. There are some standout moments, but they're not enough. This is inconsistent. It's nonsensical! And there are somehow NO stakes — in a show where they're lost in space and constantly in danger! There's just no end of stories that somehow end with no change in status quo. 

This hurts. It HURTS. I know stories. I know how they work. And these are bad. This show is BAD. It hurts more because it's Star Trek too. I can't say I'm not curious how it all ends up, but I'm most curious of all at how they managed to keep getting renewed for 7 seasons. 

We got thru more of Voyager while the internet was out, so we're into s3 now. At least halfway thru s2 they finally started having more stories that are specific to this run. S1 was strangely a lot of stuff that could've easily been TNG considering it was a pilot season. Voyager has a unique situation in that it's the first Trek with a pointed mission - they're lost in deep space. It's not just exploration federation etc. Yet so much of it so far is... exploration federation etc, and so much Earth/AlphaQuadrant coincidence! Is where they are just like, the storm drain of the universe, that's where EVERYTHING that gets yeeted into the unknown ends up? Yeesh. Trek is already so Earth-centric in general, but some of this is just ridiculous. And not even the fun kind. TOS established pretty hard that Earth is the hold-my-beer of the federation, but this ship isn't really getting a good steam going under pressure.