I hope you are all doing well and having a binge-free day...today I binged so much i feel i'll pop any moment, I can't even lie on my stomach it feels like if i do it will burst. By the way, I'm new to the community and looking for friends! ^-^
OK, maybe getting back online wasn't the best idea in the world. Most days, having the communities and support seems to help, but it also gets me obsessing about food 24/7, and I think sometimes that just triggers a binge. I've been on here at home, and trying to figure out what to include on an ED website while I'm at work, so maybe it's just too damn much.
Then again, maybe it was the whole parental stress thing. My parents were in town Tuesday night, and wanted to meet us for dinner. I spent must've last week stressing over it, because I didn't want them in the house [it's a mess and I knew I wouldn't get around to cleaning it], and I was worried about going out to eat. My mom barely eats because she had a gastric bypass and can't, and my dad's all weird over food because he's got diabetes and health problems now from being overweight. I knew they'd be all healthy, but then if I don't pig out they get all worried because I was eating disordered when I lived at thome with them.
To add to the stress, we've been having trouble with the neighbors, and they got the cops involved, which has just been a huge hassle. Also, work called Saturday night and told me not to come in, because I wasn't needed. Everything was cool then, and I felt like crap Sunday night, so I called back and one of the officers told me that I could take the night off too, but the sergeant was busy and couldn't talk. I fell asleep without calling him back, and the next morning saw that they had called after midnight wanting me to come in, and were going to report me to my supervisor for a "no call, no show". I worried about that all day Monday, and all of Monday night [thankfully, I didn't get in trouble, and my boss just told me to talk to a sergeant or higher next time, not to count on another officer to pass on the right message].
Anyway, I was just all to pieces Monday, and binged like hell. I even tried binging on halfway healthy stuff, but that didn't help, and just made it worse - I just had to be eating, and I could not make myself stop. It was weird random food, too - ( Collapse ) Who in their right mind does that? The weird thing is the celery seems to be what started it. I had a good breakfast [low-sugar oatmeal], and wanted just a little more, and letting myself have all the celery to snack on while surfing the net triggered a damn feeding frenzy. :(
Anyway, it all came up to 4056 calories. I don't know how long it's been since I've eaten that much in one day even! I freaked out afterward and tried to throw up to purge, and I could hardly get any of it up. I somehow made myself pass out, so I gave up on that, because by the time I came to the food would've been digested, and I really didn't want my husband to catch me in that situation. I dunno why I freaked out so much, but I could not get myself back under control. I've seriously thought about talking to a shrink again, just to stop myself from binging, but there are so many other issues I don't want to get into, and I'm afraid they'd try to make me keep losing weight altogether, or stop me from restricting [especially when I start going lower and losing weight], and I cannot handle that, because it means I'll just keep being fat.
Why is it that when I am restricting ANY food makes me feel like I'm full and I hate the feeling, I feel like throwing up with every bite and no matter how much exercise I do it's never enough But when I am binging, no amount of food will satisfy me and I'm always hungry for more?
"Although he looked noticeably thinner in last season's episodes, the change in appearance was even more dramatic when the show launched its fourth season on the Nickelodeon cable network in September.
'It was about being happy in my own skin and having a healthier outlook on life,' he says of the decision to lose weight."
I went to therapy for the first time yesterday. And it was scary and weird and drafty. And I got prescribed generic Prozac. I'm so sick of hearing my mom tell my oh-so-tragic life story to so many people who fail at helping. I didn't actually tell the therapist, whose name I forgot, about my eating disorder. I mean, it would have been kind of a shocker, like, "Oh yeah, I also make myself puke a few times every day and eat enough in a week to fill up every Ethiopian in the world." Yeah, OK. Apparently I'm just depressed and anxious. What else is new? But apparently Prozac is also used to help "cure" bulimia, so... we'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to stop bingeing because it's been really out of control lately. Like today I smuggled a box of Reeses Puffs into the bathroom to eat in privacy and almost got barged in on so I stuffed them in the cabinet under the sink. And they're still there. Aaaaand I'm biding my time so I can go get them without anyone seeing. And I've been worried all day that someone will open the cabinet looking for an extra roll of toilet paper and find Reeses Puffs cereal spilled all over the place.
It's like all the lunch money I never used when I was anorexic, all the hundreds of dollars I carefully folded and tucked away, is all getting used up for my bulimia. Buying coffee, food, caffeine pills, food, gum, food, diet soda, food, baggier clothes, and more food. And then I got very anxious about my spending, so, did I start using money more wisely? Nope! I became a kleptomaniac. Great.
I wish I could go back to how it used to be, when I was like 20 lbs lighter and anorexic and terribly unhappy that becoming thin didn't solve all of my problems. But even then, I always felt on the brink of failing and giving up. I never felt strong or comforted by anorexia; maybe I just wasn't cut out for it. I wish I could just be one of those people that naturally has no apetite, or is so busy being beautiful and tenacious that they just don't have time to think about food. Aargh. I've screwed up my life so much.
I got bitched out x10000 today. I guess I cut a few too many classes because I had to go talk to the social worker at my school, and I came dangerously close to spilling the beans about my bulimia. All of my friends are mad at me now, and I don't care. I lie to everyone, but I don't even care about acting fakely happy anymore. I just exist, do whatever, binge, purge, lead a sorry existence. This would be fine if I wasn't miserable and didn't constantly run away from responsibilities. Oh, and gain weight. And lose friends. And hate myself. So I guess it's not really OK at all. I was just kidding myself. This past month I've cried almost every day. I thought I would share that since this community is about honesty. Is anyone else a crybaby? How were your *cringe* Halloweens? I'm hovering around 120 lbs, the purging is making me bloated. I'm 5'5" if anyone cares. Eh, whatever, the focus here isn't on the fat, it's on the lack of control. And I am definitely out of control.
Cold slices of pizza. Perched on the second farthest toilet in the bathroom stall. At a magnet high school. I don't go in the last stall because I feel like someone would suspect that one more. I stuff my face, the freshmen girls stuff their bras. I almost purged but chickened out, and the floor was gross. I really just wanted to flush myself down the toilet, though.
Happy Halloween, my ass. I don't trust myself to go outside. What is everyone else doing?
PEE ESS: I have no idea how to promote this community, and I'm not sure if I'm going to. I think people might be getting the wrong idea of what we're about. Someone help?
exhausted
grumpy
enraged
gloomy