Tags: life

(no subject)

I have work in the morning and no desire to sleep.

And I'm feeling a little depressed. Not sure why.

Sometimes I feel like I just haven't accomplished shit for all thhe years I've been around. I don't even know where to start anymore. I just know I can't let myself be finished.

I look at my friends and I see where I wanted to be. Natalie's finishing school and getting married in 4 weeks. Abby is finished with school and has her first teaching position. Val got her first teaching position.

I look at myself and wonder where the hell I made a wrong turn. I wonder how the hell I'm supposed to get back on track. I wonder how I'm supposed to stop moping about it and start doing something about it.

Where the hell is my motivation? I want to be successful. I want to be known for my vision, my art, my work, my blood, sweat, and fucking tears. I want to be a starving artist who breaks through to the top.

I want people to look at me and wonder where I get my ideas.
I want people to stop looking at me as though I'm their personal slave, chosen to do their filing, their paperwork, their bullshit.

I applied for school. I need to send the $55 application fee.
I need to worry how I'm supposed to pay for college.
I need a good swift kick in the ass.

I want my shrink back. :[

"And you said
and you did
and you said you would find me here
and you said you would find me even in death...
...but I can't see New York..."