[vain.fantasy]

Well, I haven't updated this in something close to forever. Craziness.

I'm sitting in Shark River Hills listening to Greg snore after a particularly awesome night of trivia, which we won, of course. My life has changed dramatically in 6 months. I'm single. Since June 16. What a terrifying journey it's been. 9 years just...gone. By my own hand. I miss him. I still love him as a person, but it'd been over for quite some time.

Work still sucks. I'm getting thru it.
School is dragging.
And that's really all there is.

I am often surprised by you:

You've a need to protect thta extends beyond what you desire and into the opposite sex. It's scary. It's endearing. I'm in tears.
You and I just spent 2 hours on my couch playing trivia games, laying head to head, touching each other intimately without the pretenses of intimacy. No kissing, No embarrasing outpour of emotion. Ask questions, yes, but shoot first and ask them ater.
Senior year was a war zone.
You made sure I had a beer if I needed one. You laughted at all the right moments and sighed when I did. Why, in all the world, should my male counterbalace be gay? Is it because I'm bisexual? Maybe he's not just gay. Maybe he is bi.
That's false hope though. That means I could have a future with him, and I dont.
I can't wait to dance with you tomorrow.
Cab;'t wait to be held. To laugh with you. To dress for you.
Despite popular belief, it is all for you.
If I'd had courage, I'dve kissed you. The groundwork was lain.
Hell, you laid it.
I don't know how Id exist without you. I dont.
So thank you for being you when being me gets hard. <3 I love you through all against all odds. <3

I used to cry for you, before we became what we became.
Every night I would wish for you and dream for you and pray for you and...then one day, you were mine with strings attached. Long, tangled, solidly rooted strings attached to every moment you spent with me.

I was willing to try and clip those strings, to hold out and wait for you to get it together, but the timing wasn't right. The timing wasn't supposed to be right.

I remember nights sitting on the steps at the ballfield. I remember sharing a beer, sharing our hopes and dreams, sharing conversation, and sharing the most tender kiss I've received in all of my years because you, ever the gentleman, asked first. "Is this okay?"

I remember sitting in your lap while you stroked my hair and kissed my face, holding it between your palms. I remember your fear of being discovered, and your haphazard treatment that, should our friends and family find out, it would somehow be okay.

They never found out. You went away and we wrote back and forth, your letters becoming more scarce as mine became more desperate. I was trying to cling and you had already backed away. You wanted to see your family and friends and me for Thanksgiving, so I scraped together the money to get you here because to see you, even for a moment, was worth any price I could pay. I sat in the TV room with you, hands linked beneath a blanket, trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing because if they'd found out, it wouldn't have gone well. I found out from your sister that you were dating someone.

I hated you a bit at that moment. How could you hold my hand but be with someone else? I knew better, though, than to really do anything more than just....love you while I could have you.

You picked me up later that night and we spent a night in your car listening to music, watching the skyline, and kissing everything goodbye. It never went further than those kisses...amazing and everything but chaste, but worshipful on my end and I'd like to think on your end as well.

I've grown up now and so have you. You have a family now and I'm still trying to get by. And that's okay. It was all okay. I'm proud of you and I'm proud of the time I had to love you.

Thank you.

I have this pair of pants, you see. I had just started waitressing at the local Elks Lodge, where my father was quickly moving through the ranks, and he got me a position as a waitress there. The pay was good for a girl of my age, I knew everyone already, and U'd spend more time with my family.

So I took the job and went hunting for the specifically required pair of black pants. East, you say. Not easy when you're 14 and indecisive. I was difficult and demanding until my father locating the perfect pair of black cotton pants, with a bit of stretch to them, at Express. He bought me two pairs.

I still own one pair. That pair has seen more than waitressing. It saw funerals. Weddings. Happy events, sad events, and painful ones. They went with me to jail.

These pants live now in a closed off area of my closet. Don't know if I'll ever wear them again, nor do I know if I truly want to.

Josh Link, well known in NYC as DJ Missing Link and an old, old friend of mine from back in my raver days, was struck and killed by a car on the Williamsburg Bridge in NYC last night while riding his Vespa.

http://www.observotraffic.com/?m=2…

http://www.urb.com/permalink/7087/…

Josh was a wonderful individual and I can't believe that this has happened.
I don't even know what to say.

Don't call me baby.

I'm alive. No worries folks.
Things feel like they're on a somewhat even keel at the moment, so let's keep fingers crossed that they stay that way. I'm working my ass off to get rid of the extra accumulated poundage, and I'm sleeping terribly. Give a little, get a little, I guess? I don't know.

I'm heading off to bed, but wanted to drop a quick line on life. <3 Night, kids.

oh. i am really tired.

made $140 first show.
$89 second.

And I'm broken from the feet up.
That's my update. School is great. And I'm going to bed ASAP.

hey remember that time

nah you dont remember

memories aren't reserved for the likes of you and me

instead we're left with the bitter end

remember when death was dancing right ahead of me

right in front of my oncoming car

dodged the bullet that night

but it still claimed a victim

and it still stripped me clean

bareboned and shaking from the nudity

naked truth skip

skip

skipping

along...

the emperor has no clothes

but the garments of grandeur are said to be gorgeous

i wouldn't know

my rose colored goggles mask the memory

block out the uv rays of reality

tired of the sunshine that sweeps through the sky

tired tired tired

we ask why and get no reply

and it's just like that tree that fell down



we never heard it

it never happened



night crawls with cries of criticism

skepticism because if you don't believe me

who will

believe in me

when the dawn draws near

pink sky at night and blue mind at mourning

and the smoke and fog all dissipate

but the pain and fear never abate

never fully fade

fade

fading out...

wasting away and thirsting to death

and there's that word that i remember when

i remember then

i knew it like i knew my own face

backwards and out of place

in that shining mirror

gleaming with cleanliness

while im still unwashed and unsettled

no more will we speak of these things

these words are the keys to my locked up

pent up chained up bent boned being



and we can't have that now

can we



no



held up by the man with the bananas for hands

i was speaking in tongues about far away lands

while he was pressing his peels

he steals glances at me from time to time

when im composing another rhyme

but he doesn't quite know how it feels

to be me to be this to be lost and amiss

struggling with wholeness and the sensation of deaths kiss

it's the only promise that time heals

it's the only glimmer of hope on the horizon line

the only

the one

the sun

moon

starry eyed gazes

of star crossed lovers lost in legacies of lust

swallow down my trust with a gossamer tongue

and i'll breathe easy again

smoke in my lungs and a gun in my hand

im just a hair trigger pull from the fish in the barrel

shooting me up

timelines and hairlines and hate crimes

im fine

im fine

i am

promises promises

never kept to mean a thing

never kept locked inside my secret decoder ring

i'll just sing this little tune and wonders will occur

but it will never bring you back

what can ever bring us back to whole

back home

back where the buffalo roam

where did that come from

and frankly, where did you begin and end

send him away

the emperor's new clothes are shining in the sun

ruffled by the breezes of a thousand muttered things to come

and the threads are all golden

the fineries are silk

and im dancing

dancing

dancing....

i'm twirling in the naked truth

that i am fully exposed

I lost a friend last night at 9pm in a motorcycle accident. A 28 year old man, one of the most real, respectable, honest people I've ever met and connected with, has been taken from his family, his friends, and his future by someone who was ignorant of the law and of their surroundings...

God, I can't...I can't stomach it. I can't wrap my head around all of this. Alvin was one of those people that I instantly bonded with, and one of those people I wish I'd spent more time with. I respected him, I trusted him, and I knew I could trust him to take care of my best friend when I couldn't be there.
I don't understand why god does this. Why?? Why the fuck does God take all these good people from my life? Why? Someone, please, give me a good fucking reason for this, because I can't seem to grasp any kind of understanding in regards to this. I can't believe that a life can be cut short...just like that. In an instant. In a split second. I don't know if I can honestly ever understand that...or handle it. Come to terms with it. Death is something that I will never, ever, be able to handle. Especially when it always seems to be claiming people who had so much more light to shed upon this earth.
I can't even believe this is happening.
Rest in peace, Alvin.
Love you. <3