20 Years Later

Bless the heart of whoever at LJ turned on the notification email option for 20 year anniversaries. 

I received an email this morning and went through all 74 of my entries from the 2000s, in all its angsty, cringey glory. 

I wanted to hate them all, but I'm reading them with so much love. The amount of importance I put into myself and giving myself a place to express my thoughts and emotions were a practice that would serve me tremendously two decades later. That I had the audacity to post as frequently as I did, even through the myriad of things we tell ourselves are crucial at 18, that was a precursor for prioritizing habits and taking time back for myself.

I'm still appalled at my typos and limited vocabulary, but fuck it, who didn't make the typical '4eva' faux pas in their teens?

Mostly, I love the ambitions I had when I started. The different task lists I crossed off and left for me to see my progress. The many things I thought I wouldn't accomplish I am happy to say, I can cross off now. One of the first posts was a declaration that I would be using my LJ account for my ideas, my goals, musings and writings, not 'bitching' and 'moaning.' Problematic posts aside, the bitching and moaning wasn't for nothing. 

At the time, I thought it was a waste. But that was just what I was taught. Conditioned to think my emotions are something weak and not to be put on display. Just get over it.

( Collapse )

Seize the Mic







Today was the first time I held a professional presentation, a REAL presentation, the first one after college. 

If the moment taught me anything about myself, It's that I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to. So long I was holding myself back, and today was a reminder that I don't have to. 

So many times we think about things we can do or should have done, and wonder, 'Why didn't I do it? What was the fear that paralyzed me into passivity? Or even worse, "What excuse did I come up with this time?" 

We don't understand just how much potential we have within us, if we just give ourselves the chance to prove it to ourselves. We can do great things, just ACT!

Entrepreneurs Making A Difference - Franklin Chang Diaz

Franklin Chang Diaz and his plasma rocket, seen here in a vacuum chamber used to re-create conditions in space

Photo Credits: Jeff Wilson
On A Mission to Mars
Article by Kasey Wehrum

Franklin Chang Diaz
Ad Astra Rocket Company, Webster, Texas

Even before he traveled into space as a NASA astronaut a record-tying seven times, Franklin Chang Diaz, 60, had already made a perilous and impressive journey. In 1968, at 18, Chang Diaz, unable to speak English, left his native Costa Rica and came to the United States with $50 in his pocket -- and a dream of becoming an astronaut. After a year of high school, he landed a scholarship to college; he went on to earn his doctorate in plasma physics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology; then a 25-year stint at NASA followed. His research into propulsion systems for rocket engines eventually formed the basis of his company, Ad Astra Rocket Company, and Chang Diaz hopes it will lead to yet his greatest journey yet -- a manned space flight to Mars.

At the heart of Ad Astra is Chang Diaz's variable specific impulse magnetoplasma rocket, or VASIMR. In layman's terms, the VASIMR engine uses superheated gases known as plasmas to provide a highly efficient mode of propulsion for vehicles and cargo in space.

Ad Astra was formed in 2005, when NASA's Advanced Space Propulsion Laboratory, which Chang Diaz directed, was facing closure because of budget cuts. Rather than let a decade's worth of research go to waste, Chang Diaz urged NASA to let him privatize the operation. "It was amazing -- they actually said yes," Chang Diaz says. On June 23, 2005, the Advanced Space Propulsion Lab ceased to be, and the Ad Astra Rocket Company was born. NASA went so far as to allow the start-up to operate at the Johnson Space Center while Chang Diaz raised funds.

Within a month, Ad Astra had landed its first major investment of $6 million and soon set up a new lab outside Houston. The company is working on a joint mission with NASA to deploy a VASIMR engine to the International Space Station by 2014. Ad Astra also opened a second research facility in Costa Rica, where Chang Diaz has become something of a folk hero. In fact, about 50 percent of Ad Astra's funding comes from his homeland. "It's nice to see that there is no geographic monopoly on knowledge anymore," says Chang Diaz. "Space is now the realm of the whole planet, not just a few countries."


Courtesy of the Inc. magazine. Read more here
 


Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)


Image: © Paul Barton/CORBIS.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97, wear sunscreen. 

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
 Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
 Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry,
maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children,
maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should,
 hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
 Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Why I W.R.I.T.E.


Ø      I write because I can.

 

I write as a testament of my will to live and to express my love in every way I choose to

 

I write as appreciation to God for this given talent

 

I write to become better at it.

 

I write because it’s the only thing I know how to do to free myself

 

I write for the hell of it

 

I write for the heaven of it, too.

 

I write to humor myself,

 

to pep talk myself,

 

to inspire myself, to calm myself down,

 

to refocus myself, to remind myself, to declare my position,

 

to defend my own opinions, to express my joy, to cure my sorrorws, to heal my wounds,

 

 to capture the moment, to help others, to search for a better way, to create a story,

 

to live in that story, to learn something, to find a different viewpoint, to see the world,

 

through another shade of color, to embrace a new idea,

 

to believe,

 

to enjoy my time, to finish a deadline, to clear my mind, to empty my thoughts,

 

to reach out to someone, to endure, to refuel, to replenish my will, to satisfy my urges,

 

 to burn bridges, to build trust, to allow the passion to run through my fingers and put me on an instant high,

 

to hide, to reveal, to scorn, to acclimate, to suffer, to heal, to seek redemption,

 

 to love.

 

I write because I am.

 

Which means…to me atleast,

 

I am, because I write.


A Birthday Revelation


I made a decision last night.

Yesterday was my birthday. Everyone whom I expected to call, text, message me did so and then some, and it kept me in a really good mood consistently throughout the day. It made me realize how blessed I am and the many people whom I forget are with me, near or far.

Unfortunately, my dad forgot.

It wasn’t until after midnight, while EJ and I were at Destino’s that he tried reaching out to me. He left a voicemail apologizing and telling me how proud he was of me. And he wanted me to come to his restaurant. 

Right there and then, I knew that my decision, how I would handle this setback, would affect us, for better or worse. And it would be determined by how I viewed our relationship…

Whether I was waiting for the perfect moment, for him to fuck up, so I can throw it all back in his face. That would be easy.

It’s always easier to blame someone for the past, to judge them based on their mistakes, and curse them for the way things are now. It doesn’t take much to hold resentment, really. Only a troubled heart and a foul mouth.

Or

If I viewed my relationship with my father as something else: as if I were looking at this with prudence and a cool head. As something that takes time to mend, something that requires patience, and in large doses.

Something that, unlike what we’ve been conditioned to demand in a society, doesn’t come with instant gratification.  On the contrary, it may come with plenty of instant disappointment and stress.

The latter of the two, as Rafa would always say, is not that easy.

I could have reverted back to my foolish, neglected, bitter youth when I vowed to hate my father. 

I could have ignored his apology. I could have rejected his ‘betrayal’ like a drama queen and thrown out the window about 6 years of constructing, of starting over, of paving the road. I could have forgotten those 6 years of forgiving, of accepting. Of letting go.

I could have been completely justified for judging him and refusing to listen to him.

I could have continued to see him as the broken hero I was forced to accept long ago, the man whom I looked up to, only to be downgraded to an average Joe.

I could have held on…

But I didn’t.

I made a decision last night…to let go and to forgive.
And it has made all the difference. 


The Promise - My Bucket List

 Note: Subject to change

I never expected to break my limits in Hong Kong. 

I had started getting back to running in the last few weeks leading up to Hong Kong. They were half-assed attempts, honestly. But they were attempts nonetheless. I didn't have much of a goal, just that I wanted to improve. I wanted my knee to be the way it was before the accident, I wanted to take advantage that I have legs and put them to use as most as possible. So when I arrived in Hong Kong, I came with 2 suitcases and a second wind of determination. I will do this now for me, was my mantra.

What I was not banking on was the immense support of friends. Initially, i was waking up early to run every morning at 6AM, to the rest of the groups amazement.  That's when my suite-mate Rafael asked to join me. And it was at that moment when my training would be forever changed, and my self-confidence would be on a much higher level.

Looking back at the times when i just wanted to quit, my running buddy was there to push me, making me go faster, especially at the last leg of the run going up the hill.  He was the planner, he had a regiment set out for us, and eventually he would go the distance and outrun me on several occasions. 

In the 2 months that we ran, we eeked out a total of 100 miles. 100 miles of sweat, rain, heat, hills, inspiration,  VAMOS!!!!, motivation, falls, gatorade, blood, and most importantly, friendship.  (He's running in a marathon this Fall!)

Towards the end of our trip, we made a pact.

Finish 2 marathons by the age of 30. 

Up to this point, I never had goals when I ran. I just did it, to escape, to feel better, for the pure sake of running. The fact that I have a goal now changes everything. Not only did the pact boost my motivation to continue running, it's also opened my eyes to other pacts I've made with myself . So I sat down and came up with a bucket list.

(A bucket list. A list of things that you've wanted to do that for some reason you've put on hold)

So here it is, my bucket list for 2010 and beyond

Learn a martial art
Publish my book
Win in a fight
Learn how to snowboard December 2010
Lose in a fight
Build something from scratch Aug. 2010
Buy a professional camera    May 2011
Climb the 46 peaks of the Adirondacks
Jetski
Perform at the Nuyorican Cafe in NYC
Help someone (daily)
Dedicate & sing a song to my mother
Master the guitar
Ride a bike from coast to coast
Be able to do 10 pull ups
Go to Tibet
Skydive   May 2011
Catch a fish Sept. 2010
Learn how to play the pipa
Manage a company
Travel the world
Play live on stage
Learn how to dance Tango  Feb 2011
Master Mandarin
Finish 2 marathons by the age of 30
Bungee Jump off the highest tower in the world July 2010

The Journey - Mary Oliver (sums up my summer well)

 The Journey
 
One day
You finally knew
what you had to do
and began
Though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly recognized
as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver