20 Years Later

Bless the heart of whoever at LJ turned on the notification email option for 20 year anniversaries. 

I received an email this morning and went through all 74 of my entries from the 2000s, in all its angsty, cringey glory. 

I wanted to hate them all, but I'm reading them with so much love. The amount of importance I put into myself and giving myself a place to express my thoughts and emotions were a practice that would serve me tremendously two decades later. That I had the audacity to post as frequently as I did, even through the myriad of things we tell ourselves are crucial at 18, that was a precursor for prioritizing habits and taking time back for myself.

I'm still appalled at my typos and limited vocabulary, but fuck it, who didn't make the typical '4eva' faux pas in their teens?

Mostly, I love the ambitions I had when I started. The different task lists I crossed off and left for me to see my progress. The many things I thought I wouldn't accomplish I am happy to say, I can cross off now. One of the first posts was a declaration that I would be using my LJ account for my ideas, my goals, musings and writings, not 'bitching' and 'moaning.' Problematic posts aside, the bitching and moaning wasn't for nothing. 

At the time, I thought it was a waste. But that was just what I was taught. Conditioned to think my emotions are something weak and not to be put on display. Just get over it.

All that unlearning I had to do and am still doing was what I remember know. Given the limited tool set I had, I'm proud of that angry kid who wanted to make a difference in his own way. I would say he was ahead of his time, and that he had more things figured out than he was giving himself credit for. And I would tell him now that it trusting your instincts and believing in yourself aren't just Hallmark staples. They're clichés for a reason. That you should have broke things off sooner and been honest about your second guessing. 

That you were right to have reservations about QS. That it's okay you didn't accomplish all the things you wanted to. We've always had lofty goals. 

20 years later, looking back, I love that kid. 

I hope I can serendipitously receive a 40 year anniversary email when I'm 57 and read back this 20 year recap, hopefully by then, the goals I have right now will be long and accomplished.

So, for old times sake, here's my list of tasks to complete, immediate and in the future:

-Clean the kitchen
-Own our first condo
-Publish the 2nd and 3rd books, Extinction Poetry book, Chess Poetry Book, respectively
-Buy flip flops
-Clean desk
-Buy boxes to pack books
-Send in Mail-In ballots
-Make a dentist appointment
-Attend Award Ceremony for Honorable Mention of Anatomy of a Flame (somehow, tix are sold out)
-Finish Demonio