so i am updating for my cousin. HI COURTNEY! I ADORE YOU! COME TO CALIFORNIA! that having been said i have nothing of any importance to say here
life is a hurricane, i am suspended weightless in the eye, watching as everything that makes up my existance spins rapidly around me making me want to vomit. No one is chillin in the center with me, Jacky is outside, and i just send her letters, literary depictions of the view. I think i am going insane.
Im tired of being reffered to as the girl who sings on her way to the bathroom.
I wrote a 10 page letter to jacky today. ten pages, ten pages...... i never knew i had that much to say. I guess thats what i get for keeping everything inside. Its interesting how my life is a cycle of people, ideals, moods. Everything today was a downer. But it is not worth it to dwell upon silly things like that
i feel like i should actually say what is on my mind.
I had a dream last night i had a dream last night andi completely forgot it untill i was walking towards school this morning, when i was overcome by a mental picture of four leaf clovers, everywhere i turned.and I remembered this was my dream, four leaf clovers like no one in their right mind could possibally understand. All over the place, inside every nuance of my life. I liked it Prehaps i shall become lucky, and good things will happen Prehaps i will get into that school in england and never look back to Carondelet Prehaps someone of importance will hear me play tommrow night and that will skyrocket Prehaps he'll come over friday night
probally not, but i do believe in the power of dreams, but believe you me, it tis never that easy or obvious
I am verry discontent, my body is doing some crazy shit. And i am not living my life the way i want to, i continously find myself saying.. as soon as i finish this. As soon as i get through that living my life for speficic periods, and those occasional days off. That is not how it is ment to be. And therefore as of the first ot feburary, i will not be working any more, anywhere. Im jazzed
there is an ocean ive been hpolding in my hands there is an ocean ive been holding back for years where i was standing now i am rocking to and fro will you still love me ater you see this towe come down
We used to play light as a feather stiff as a board we use to play it listenin into the darker world oh how strangely applicable those games seem now will you still know me after you see this tower come down?
What kind of creatuer shall i be??
Expanding my mind takes time all you asked was that i try not to view the world through reclusive eyes not to let my art be the only place i can speak my mind
you dont know how far youve gone or reccognise who you've become how'd you grow to be so hard sick of playing my part -Guster
Can we get clean again? -3eb
If i could i would but i dont know how if i could i would oh i would take you now -Phish
I bought a new shirt and i did something slutty.
at least for me
Oh the green eyed boy who smiles as i walk by reminds me of a feelin' reminicent of bein high and we both know what well do tonight yes we both know what we'll lose tonight
am i reading to far into things youve said creating a psudeo-romance in my head but i cant forget the feel of your skin the pressure of your hand at my waist and we both know thats all it takes yes we both know thats all it takes -me
Im writing again. Chances are i will delete my previous entry as soon as i finish typing this one. It lacked substance. If i am going to post here i should at least post sonething that relates in any obscure way to anything. I sucame if any of you were wondering. I cut my hair. And i still dont feel beautiful. Its a silly insecurity. And today of all days i should feel beautiful. Stupid reasons though. The actions of anonymous people you meet throught your day arnt enough to jump-start the self esteem. This is unfortunate, or everyone i met everyday would love themselves just that much more
I need a new user picture. Prehaps since i just finihsed cutting my hair, and will probally take the time that i should be spending on my art to style it, i shall take one. But its not like i update. Oh well im being redundant. My mood is completely obvious by this post. I apoligise. Back to writing things of substance
Ha
there are none. I currently lead a sudstance-less ( I believe i may have just coined a new word) life. Mr. Leveque ( My art teacher from years ago) Asked me to paint a mural on his wall. Im really excited i remember being 11 and looking at the muarls on the walls that were done by the older kids and thinking they were so cool, so talented, and it humors me to think prehaps i shall be joining them.But then i feel like anything i paint could not be as beaufitul as those other works, and that all the little children will look at the muarls and say wow, then get to mine and think... shit who did that? Oh well I am still complkemented that i was asked, even if i do a crappy ass job.
What else. I have taken a particular liking to food, which needs to stop. Annorexia looks appealing, but that may just be because its a bad week. I can feel myeslf fading. I havent been living up to par lately. not enjoyin myself. Social situations with all parties have become strained and awkward. Its interesting, i cant bring myself to put up with people, and phony friendships any more. This i believe is a good thing, i have found out who i enjoy, and who i would like to spend time with and I do, i do not wastte time and energy on people who annoy me, trying to make the world happy. Only when i work, because manking rich people happy=big tips for me
the Ice cream man is driving my. I am supressing my urge to run out there in a towel and buy iA gigantic baseball glove of pink goodness complete with baseball gum drop that is redicusouly rock solid./ But i wont. I dont have the money energy of the space in my stomach. I ate aprox. 5million grapes today. It was wonderful . The clicker for the televisiou broke, so i fell asleep on the couch watching a random channell about bridges and flooding. See you can learn things from television. Important things to... about bridges and such
Im going for unreadable long-ness here. Or mabye i dont want to give up the comfort of writing. I found the powerchors for the crappy-ass lap top i found in my garage, and plan to re-commence my nighttime roof literature. Prehaps if any of it appears to be of decent quality i will share it. I still entertain dreams of being a carefree artisan. Participating in all things eclectic. Like painting a mural on the back of my door ( this is actually a legitmate plan for the summer when my parents are out of town. I dislike the color white and plan on erasing it completely from my room) And just wrtiting monsterous ammounts of music. It would be an amazing existance. I would wite the most ..... i dont know not possible. I have the most idealistic ideaology. But i like my innocence.. i have nothing more to say
I want to shave my head.
I also want to get out of this place. Even if only for a while. Escape to a place where no one is chasing after me demanding that i adhere to their morals, and way of life. I want the kind of freedom that i am always being denied. I want to be that breze that slips through my fingers just tempting me to try and catch it
ah the monthly update, well not exctally, but oh the spontaneous updates.
I only update when i am bored and unhappy, its somewhat sad, i no longer feel like the internet is my home.But that is alright. I am out of that lifestyle and on to another, or so iu tell myself
I am fighting the urge to chop off my hair. I get this urge once a month right before i get my period. It usually comes along with the i am fucking ugly and a waste of space mood. But w/e Dosent matter
Introversion bites. I cant even write shit in here any more
people should cxome over and entertain me. Save me from all my fucking thinking.
look at me i am updating exciting isnt it. Too bad this isnt going to say much of anything.
I like my classes this year. They leave me alone and let me do what i want. Not a 100% vag oppinion.
Fucking me being fucking pretentious. Im obnoxious. And i make no coherent sense. But yet again this is how is whould always be.
I sucked at the show last night. but its alright. Because i wore a short skirt for the first time EVER and it was liberating. I might actually consider becomming a slut so i can wear them more often. or mabye just to shows.
i am laying in my bed next to my beloved courtney drew.
all is good in the neighbor hood its a busy week, a busy life, a lame world the fourth was lame, because i hate my country, and because i served as a couch for people who wanted to hang out my show went well, i didnt screw up, so did being on television, even if the annoying lady did forget my name, all is good in this neighbor hood
im sleepy, and exasperated i love frou frou, thank you spencer you jesus figure in the world of music, her poppy techno-ness is just wnat i needed to make me dispondantg and lonley
running naked is disgusting, it will also be the name of my first bandhuzzah enjoy yourselves
this courtney was typed solely for courtney drew <3
so i havent updated in days, months and years. But summer is crazy busy. I spent the week before i left working daly, but i shant complain because hell who dosent love a 4 hundred dollar pay check, no one. Everyone loves them. And then i went for the first time to hawaii, amazing. Fell in love with surfingand have decided that i am droping out of high school, moving to hawaii, working in a hotel, an surfing all day long. Cuz gas in hawaii isonly 2.10 and this is a reason to celebrate
what else, i am a failure at gifting, everyone hated their hawaii presents, which is unfortunate. Becuase i was stoked and thought they would like them. But alas, i guess i dont know what poeple appreciate, mabye they wanted things thatg actually had to do with hawaii..... to bad
what else, the only other thing i learned in hawaii, besiudes the fact thatg surfing kicks ass, and gas is cheap, and that rich asian women have wonderful style, was that my brother andrew is a dousch bag. I have officialoly attempted to be nice and make amands with the man, but hes a fucking ass hole, and i never wantg anything to do with him ever again. I finally just stopped talking to him ,since every word out of his mouth was an attack on me personally, the way i dressed, my jokes, my music, my hair everything. If i dont assoiciate my self with poeple out side my family like thatg, why whould i associatge myself with poeple insidemy family like that???
i finishedmy art piece today. It is an orgasm, i love it.
good night children. dont count on constant up dates. I an just to damn busy <3
