The thing that bugs me about all those cheery “learn distress tolerance!!!” posts is that, given their target audience is a certain contingent of Tumblr, they’re never going to reach the person who thinks they’re More In Touch With Nature because they find trans peoples’ bodies disgusting, or the person who rejects a friendly neurodivergent person because The Vibes Were Off.
But they absolutely will reach disabled people whose lives are already a permanent exercise in distress tolerance.
They will reach abused neurodivergent people who have let themselves be led into danger because they internalized the lesson that they need to become more tolerant of distress, get outside their comfort zones, stop caring so much about what they like or dislike, and stop treating their discomfort as meaningful information.
And that’s what bothers me about turning distress tolerance into a blanket virtue.
Sometimes you do need to tolerate distress. Sometimes discomfort is just the price of doing something difficult or unfamiliar that you actually want to do.
But sometimes discomfort is telling you that you don’t like something. Sometimes it’s telling you that a boundary is being crossed. Sometimes it’s telling you that you’re in a situation you don’t actually want to be in.
And if you’ve spent your life being taught that you’re too sensitive, too avoidant, too difficult, too afraid, or too concerned with your own comfort, “learn to tolerate distress” can very easily become “learn to override yourself.”
I don’t think the goal should be becoming so good at tolerating distress that you stop asking yourself why you’re distressed in the first place.
Sometimes the thing you need to tolerate is the discomfort of disappointing somebody else by leaving or saying “no”.
And sometimes the answer really is just, “I don’t fucking like this, I don’t have to, nobody dies if I don’t do it.”