Only truth is erotic.

I have been writing in another blog for a week, and I have been trying to write everyday. If you are interested the blog is ednafinland.blogspot.com so you can check me out there.

Basically I have been working through some serious relationship issues and trying to peel through them layer by layer. The blog goes back into 2007 when I first arrived in Finland by there aren't many posts from then. There are some posts from when I was happily single, and the latest are about how I am unhappily or happily not single. Depends on the day...

Ah,
I don't know if I need horoscope anymore. Check http://www.planetwaves.net see how you feel.
I feel a little fishy.
and I don't know if it is just me.
Love Yall!

yesterday I started crying.

My friend told me I was not a princess, not a queen, and that I should never say these words to him again. I am some kind of servent or maid, and unless i want to start wearing make-up and dressing properly nothing would change.
Other days he compells me to see myself as a beautiful woman. The silentside of that remark being: If only you would take better care of yourself, meaning wear make up etc.
Then he asked me if maybe i could do some(all) of his dishes.

Being the servent/maid, princess that I am, of course. I did, do All the dishes. And as I did the dishes, he fiddled with his phone, engaged in some heated drama about who supports who more.
Silently I lemented to myself "But THEY ARE SO MEAN! you don't even know how mean they are, DO YOUR DISHES! HA! allow you to express the fact that you want your labor to be recgonized? HA! wait for you, or even listen to your whining about your useless and deciteful friends! DREAM ON. She would tell you YOU are not a man, and plaster some more lipstick on her vapid lips. Thats what SHE would do. Princeses and Queens, sitting on their throwns. Dictating. I don't have the heart for that. I want to be WITH the people." No one understands.

When I was done, the sink was empty, and he was there still fiddling. I thought he had promised to leave. I was in a rage by that point, pain surging through my body almost ran me out the door to cry in the street (i'm self sufficient like that) but then he made some more promises, and I just stood in the kitchen looking out the window. This is when the tears came. I did not attack, like my glossy and bedazzled and untouchable otherself would have. And this, experience, struck a nerve. Well a nerve that has been waiting to be hit for ages.

Am I not woman enough, because I challange what is "Woman" because I don't want to be mean and pretty, because I want to be a helpful mess, a moody beauty, or a tarty farty? am I a girl because i haven't sacrificed my humanity, or sold the surprise of dazzle to the masses?

- I was seeing a guy who told me that it is a pity that my jeans don't fit, because i have a really nice butt. The thing is, why should the world have a veiw of my fine ass? who is my butt for? for me to enjoy? to roll and bounce on, to seduce who and when i please? to poop out of and cushion falls? Or is it for the world, for the masses, is it for giving some a free show for some, and others something to envy? is my beauty some kind of free all you can eat buffe? is my sex? is my grandour?

This is the same thing with talent in general. If i can sing, should i, must i sing for the world, how the world might want to hear me sing? if i can bake, should i, must I bake for the masses what they would like and with the finest goods? this sounds like some kind so communism in the worst sense. And I would prefer to have ownership of the things within myself.

and this is also speaking to a whole asthetic value system. Beauty! the high high high priestess of Beauty, cracking her whip on the masses, driving us towards the Standards. There is no deviation, and if there is it is regarded as trash. Anti-folk with cracked and wild voices(Trash) Pretty uglys with weird looking noses (trash) crazy hair (trash) fat beauties eating cake(trash) big thighs and hips and breast bouncing sideways, sagging and delightfuly full of lust, skinny legs wrapped around waists contorted into shapes, and the often offputting face of OH MY GODS orgasam.(ALL TRASH)

can someone tell me why, i can't even have an orgasam because i am afraid of looking ugly?
why i can't even sing out in joy because I am afraid of sounding shit?
why i have to argue with other people about whether or not i am beautiful ALL THE TIME?
WHY EVERYTIME I LAUGH, my funny delightful, uplifting, stirring and beautiful, truly alive laugh, someone SOMEONE has to make a comment about it?

I am,
I am beautiful all the time.
and i think i'm done arguing about it.

I am substance; I am behind the mask, I want people to see MY FACE, I want people to hear MY VOICE, I am not a geisha, or a whore. I am not here for your enterainment. I am a community builder, a soul wanting companioship. I listen to the lyrics, I mine for meaning and ask ”too many questions” I interrupt, and loose my way. I read astrology everyday but know i will never make charts. I wait for money to be deposited into my account so i can deposit it into those websites that i read so hungrely. I love words. These are the things that are important to ME, I am aroused by substance my own and that of others, turned on my words. Excited by my revelations, waiting breathlessly for awakening. Swept away my ideologies. Unrested untill i find a new one. Those pretty masks and shiny things only annoy me, of course some some times they are excitng, like the pink buddah bank, or colorful teeshirts. But like a drug everyone seems to be drunk on. Like a game i don’t want to play, like those color days. I love interesting shapes, two sided architypes, gossip and arguements followed by hugs. Imaginary wars, imaginary peices, imaginary illusions. Resolution as a possiblity and even boredom can be interesting. Conversing with rocks, translating silence. Asking pets and people inquring in the mirror "who are you really?"

I get taken away with myself, that is how i know I AM WONDERFUL, ALL THE TIME. Not because i look in the mirror and other people call me pretty. Not because I sit on the bus and people are distracted by my breathtaking looks. But because i confuse people, i do cartwheels in the megaspace, I drink myself away one day, and roll sober dover the next, i make up words and phrases,I can hug away the pain, and sometimes I want to even do more. I have fun, and I am not on/for sale. I do not hold my pussy in front of someones face like bacon, ”if only you do this” NO WAY. I want things just like anyone does, but i decide what means i will employ to get them. I decide when to wear a mask. No one decides for me.

I want to be surrounded by people who value, this asthetic of curiosity. That say ”wow you are so interesting!” before they say ”wow you are so beautiful!” who may concive something astheticlly delightful but not soon after astk ”what does this mean? What does it mean to me? What does it mean to the world?” People who stare off into the distance an i do, laugh and love in the face of confusion, lie on the ground when the world is too much, and in many ways, never let go. People who are committed to their own commitments.

Finally: Like i said to myself, THEY ARE MEAN. And the world is mean when it is based on asthetic elitism. The world is twisted and cruel and so in that way we are twistested an cruel. Constently in Contest. The world percived this way is dismissive and capitilistick, always asking ”what can you do for me?” implying that somehow just being together is not enough. And choosiuing this perception is killing us. It is killing the celebs, it is killing the youth, it is killing the people who are aging. It is stealing our creativity, and our imagination. I want to be with someone. I want to get close. Like i squrril into myself, i want to squrril into the arms of the other. Minds melding, dreams leaking out of our ears, until we are in a bath of "Fantasy meets Reality." driving bravely toward the question "what if we have everything we want?"

We do things for each other, we do things with each other.
We don’t always have to pay, time manages the checks and balances.
We are human.
We just do our best.
Lets hug each other,
and give this so called perfectionism a rest!

spelling mistakes, stinky armpits, broken language.
it's all okay.
I want more sideways smiles, more secret codes, and bands that need my support. '
These things i want.

this asthetic elitism, body fascism, theft of identity.
That is the problem.
these things I can do without.

This weekend was crazy.
I can barely see what is going on right in front of my face, i miss my mom, and other normal people.
People that are normal to me.
I AM REALLY TIRED.

Anyway, good news is that i should be moving into a new place this weekend.
Yay me!

Love Love Love

Life Goes on.

Beauty for the sake of beauty.

I think I am in love.
and this is really interesting, b.c. being in love can be a door opening for a whole new story to be written about life.
I have asked my self so many question in the past week about how to manage, with my alternative loving style. I just sent a txt message and my rejection expectation has already taken grip.
How is it to look THAT in the face.

So, it takes two to tango,
though dancing hesitantly
bodies pressed against the wall
and eyes meeting
in the center of the dancefloor
I am not a mind reader
eventhough i can read catds

All I can do
is shout across the room
and try not to apolidgize
for my loudness.

----

so now i am waiting, I always put these time lines on me, even though I wait the whole morning, the whole day the whole evening to make contact. The days strech on and on and on, and then i feel like I am alone, sitting in the darkness gropeing for something I used to know.
Is that love?
Or is it the missing that matters, the heart jumping, heart pumping, can't sleep at night vauge sensation of wanting.
Can we make a few promises to each other?
carve our names into a tree,
and forget about how my socks smell?
I retreat so fast. so fast that I knock everything down behind me. Thats why I am always coming back to pick things up.
On my hands and knees.
are we in love?

The funniest thing is that I have done basically everything else that I really want to do. Like, i want to get a place, but i really want to have a bf or something first. I imagine my life shared, like good cake. So this is like "The last frontier"

wish me luck!

We are all affected by things, and embodying ideas that we are not aware of. That are outside of our range of perception. This is totally normal, we all have egos that limit us and make us lazy for change. This is usually what people on both ends of the spectrum suffer from. No one wants to lose everything.

But in a way we have to be willing to lose everything in order for anti-racist, pro human change to actually happen.

I think the idea of dismantaling or distroying whiteness is lazy and ineffective. Even if 1000 people achived this goal. there would still be the masses who recgonize the instituation of whiteness (which btw is a global institution, the most powerful conglomerate at the moment. Monopolizing on human dignity.) So this idea od Dismantaling any type of race identity is not the first step. And I honestly think that it wil never happen, b.c. from where I stand race identity is not the root of the problem as much or why it exists and what is done with it.

when we start playing the blame game there are so many rabbit hole to jump into "I'm oppressed too" or "this marginalized group oppressed this marginalized group" and those are not productive. One key aspect of achiving the elimination of distructive race based thought is to recgonize that we are all in this together, we all have to work on it, and if you are on the offending side, or on the marginalized side, or in the middle we all have the same responsibility to recgonize each other at human beings.

This means that when we experience each other, and express together, we do so honestly, bravely and compassionately. That was recgonize ourselves in the other, we can never know the other like we can know ourselves, so that is the point where we must work. We have to honor each others self expression and try to find things that are workable, most importantly we have to work together. The goverments and their racist legislation will never change until a good amount of the people who support these governments see that change is neccesary and will benifit all of us.

Some white/european white/anglo-christian people feel that benifiting people of color is somehow a gift, that allowing poc to express what is inside is some how like a nice thing to do for someone else, somehow special that deserves praise. But this is false, benifiting any of us, benifits all of us, and a disproportionate and exploitive power structure puts all of us at a disadvantage. I would find people shocked when asked how having intergrated schools has benifited them. Yes, having intergrated schools may have benifited some childeren as to educational quality, (and this includes poor whites) but I genuinely feel that the value of having diversity in ones life is a much larger gift.

How can we eliminate racism? we must value it's opposite: Equality, respect, and fairness.

I have been around people who claim they are so un-racist, but when i express aspects of otherness(blackness) that can be recgonized easily, from the way I talk to the way i dress, move, laugh. They don't marvel and the wonder of being in the precence of difference, but they shame me. This is an experience that I would call ordinary Racism. And there is a good place to start, within and without. Instead of dismantaling your racial identity, how bout just dismanteling the superiority complex/inferiority complex that comes a long with it, and allowing ourselves to be wonderful, flawed and essentially human?

So I have been trying to meditate more often, thinking that it probably is a pretty good practice to keep on, i have been doing a little bit everyday. I have been working up to doing 30 min which will probably make some people laugh, but I am a little rusty and I haven't been excercising whatsoever lol. So my back is a little creaky.

Anyway, the point is, I got SARKs "Prosperity Pie" from my bestest man friend Ian and I read it in all of one day i think. Lol. And a big emphisis in that, and something I am actually interested in developing is the sense of Enoughness, which while i was meditating I realized that I don't used meditation to cultivate that sense. I actualy use it as the opposite.

During my meditation I arrived at these reall strong notions that My Body wants to be recgonized, incorperated, embraced, caressed, challenged and experimented with, i was seeing myself doing this dance that says "My body is wonderful, look how I embrace it!" and this is something that was followed by the idea that I need to develope my own practice, stake my own claim, not only in the ordinary world but in my spiritual life as well.

I am doing that in some ways, but I keep on returning to practices that are rooted somewhere away from me, and that don't meet my needs. Like Meditation. Not that Meditation is bad, it is just not enough. Of course is it good. But i need to dance more, sing more, love more, babble chat more, and do all these things that bring me where I am on a soul level.

The point is, while i was meditating, i noticed myself pushing, and critizing, and it wasn't good. When i got up my feet where sleeping, i was trying to do the dance that was in my mind, and then i did a half handstand (wallstand?) it reminded me of how much I miss yoge : ( but at the same time, how picky i am about it!

anyway, thats all.

I am so in love with this "Yes We Can" video, it is so amazing, inspiring etc. etc.
and I have been in the mood to be inspired so it is perfect timing. Lol. In anycase, this is Black History Month in case some of us don't remembere. There are some amazing videos (pods) on Current TV I think you all should check out a few. Usually there is something on the home page, but if there isn't, check out what is "On Tv" and there should be something, if not, search. Hoo "His own History" or Kehinde Wiley, or Gina Rene . Very inspiring.

This month try and learn something about Black History, Black Culture etc. outside of slavery and civil rights. Look for examples that debunk sterotypes about blackness, and myths in black history. We share this world. Each story reflects the other.

Love and Peace!
. Never Guessed .