.memoirs.of.a.shooting.star.

i had a vision of my future self wandering the earth in search of cheap rent and it kinda spooked me.


ive more or less excepted that i will probably feel emotionally homeless for the rest of my life. and i think im fine with that.

new york wont be my home for a long while methinks. still havent cracked chicago, but i think im maybe getting there?

one more week and im done with school until the summer. then wet plate workshop, then prague (!!!) then two more semesters and im a college graduate. whodathunk.

things aint so bad. im looking for a new apt, have a ton of exciting things headed my way, and a wonderous manscottbeast to share it with. im starting to become known with this music photojournalism thing and its good to see hard work kinda paying off. really, i shouldnt feel so heavy in my chest. dumb emotions. dumb dumb dumb.

also, i finished mass effect and it was so fucking great man. and i should really get on that whole losing 20 pounds thing. theres nothing to do here in the winter except huddle for warmth and stuff your face. i'd like chicago a lot more if the winter wasnt so brutal. its not the cold (though believe me i had no idea what i was getting in to.) Its that the cold comes and everything dies. no one goes out of their respective warm for any reason. its lonely and miserable and long. but i wore a tshirt outside the other day and it made me optimistic for the future.

also also, disturbing and horriffic dreams: QUIT IT!

would you like some cheese with that whine? i sure would...

so yeah i dunno whats good with that subject title. scott and i have been watching alot of frisky dingo as of late.

my bday is tomorrow. ill be 24. its fucking creepy. at 11pm im getting in a car with 4 peeps and driving to nyc. also, im sick. so woot for shitty timing.

the main reason for this post is to let y'all know that i have a photo up in the Bridge Art Fair, and will be in nyc for the duration to promote my work and shmooze with buyers. it looks like ill be working the whole time im in town, so yet another trip to nyc when i barely get to see anyone. BUT, if you'd like to see me and my work, come by the show and youll be sure to find me.

also, im finally launching my photo website, so if youd like to be on the mailing list, drop me an email or respond to this post or whatevs.

bridge website (with info on location, hours, admission, etc)
facebook event page

imma jump off this here bridge...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
oh so very much. moved to chicago, lived by myself (with roomates but unattached,)broke up with someone, drank coffee and smoked stoges at dennys(!!!), learned to derive happiness from myself, printed in color, explored the midwest, hung out with tons of texans, discovered the beauty of drinking old style, mickeys, and golden anniversary. theres alot more but thats all my brain can produce at this very moment.

2. Did you keep your New Years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i resolve to never make a dumb resolution on new years.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
dont think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes x 3 (counting weezy)

5. What countries did you visit?
not a one.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
self sufficiency, both financial and personal.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
one date? oh fuck i dont know. probably my last day in brooklyn.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting into art school. surviving the move. bettering myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?
oh no way i am opening up that can of misery.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my rebel xsi? i dunno i didnt really buy anything interesting.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
benameen and emalilaialia. scottzoid. ugggggghhhhhh yeah i dunno.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
alot of people. calling them out now is petty. i burned alot of bridges when i came out here. certainly for the better.

14. Where did most of your money go?
cigarettes. booze. drugs. food. rent. school.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
coming to chicago (duh)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
making plans for nigel by xtc. anything by interpol or mgmt. too shy by kajagoogoo. future sailors. way more fo sho.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? DEFINITELY happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? a bit fatter maybe.
iii. richer or poorer? about the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
traveled. gone on more adventures.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
can i just get rid of the first 6 months of this year? thanks.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
in indiana with my booberry and his fam.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes.

23. How many one night stands?
depends on how you define the term. i guess two or three.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
the mighty boosh. peepshow. heroes. top chef. project runway. californication. house. entourage.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
oh yes.

26. What was the best book you read?
forced entires by jim carroll. so so so fucking good.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
there was alot. though there was more music that i knew about and finally got into than truly just discovered. too much to list off here i think.

28. What did you want and got?
into SAIC. to get the fuck out of nyc. the afformentioned zoid.

29. What did you want and not get?
cant really think of anything. a constructive critique?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
that came out this year? probably pineapple express or the dark knight. iron man and smiley face were way good too. i feel like im forgetting something tho so i dunno.

31. What did you do on your birthday?
had a fabulous dinner at puglia with 18(?) amazing people and got shitfaced at cheapshots. first birthday since childhood where i didnt have a party at my place.

32. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
see above desire to exclude jan - june from my memory and history.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
arty trashyfabulous reconstructed hotness.

34. What kept you sane?
cigarettes. my answer for #12. willpower. orgasms.

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
noel fielding. kenley collins. zachary quinto. the girl from threadbangers.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the politics of dancing. the politics of ooh ooh feeling good. but again, theres too many to list.

37. Who did you miss?
ben. my dad. bill. my innocence.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
i met so many incredible people this year. scott. clare(ence thomas). jason. mateo.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
change is vital and emotional self reliance is key.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
i have to think about this one. ill come back to it after i go to this party.

... things to regret. (i know i know i know. he made me like interpol. my sensibilities apologize)

ok first, for personal reference:

artaud paper for political theatre class - done
color final (prints + slideshow) - done (barely)
art history final - done

must complete before 9AM monday:

- digital final (prints + slideshow)
- series for printmaking (images, plates and prints)
- non tradtional print for printmaking (images + prints)
- print exchange


still sick.
been at the warehouse every night since i got back. its so cold in there. except in his arms (ghey!) jason refered to us as lovebirds yesterday. that shit was wierd. its become way evident that this were just besties pretense is no more. still getting used to it i guess. i kinda want to change my facebook relationship status to its complicated with ____ since thats how ive been explaining it to people that ask. i feel wierd doing it though. i refered to bill as my ex yesterday during my final crit and i almost gagged on my words.

things with bill have been ok. we hung out on monday since we were both home, and it was really nice. he still refers to me in girlfriend terms (honey, baby, etc.) which is kinda wierd to me, but understandable. still, have to find him roomates, and a new place for myself. the fourth move in as many months. gawwwwd.

how many times have i used the word wierd in the last two paragraphs? (and still cant spell it right)

i know it doesnt sound like it, but i really am happy. just way stressed out and sleep/food deprived. if i make it through 4pm on monday, it'll be a miracle, but then the slumberfest 2008 can commence.

this weekend is way exciting/terrifying. friday is my digital final crit from 9-4, then work on printmaking stuff, then home to change, then to the mutiny to shoot for the mermaids and drink until i die. then saturday is back to school, work on printmaking all day, then home, then to the warehouse to shoot the biggest show theyve had there yet (6 bands yowza!)also, repeat mass alchoholic consumption. then sunday, wake up hung over, go to johnny's for obligatory hungover breakfast, then to school to finish printmaking stuff for mondays crit.

remind me to consider making a website for the photos from the warehouse shows. flickr aint really cutting it with the huge amount of images i have to upload from the last 3 shows.

ok back to work. pray for my eyelids and their ability to remain in an upright position. or just buy me some more coffee.

well.

i can now say that ive lived with a possibly sociopathic kitten murderer. if your cat is sick, am i wrong to think that its common sense to ya know, take the cat to the vet? as opposed to drowning it in our bathtub with your bare hands?

yeah that was really not at all what i needed to see upon walking into my apt.


on the bright side, bill got clearance for the new place, and we can start moving our shit on the 15h whooooooooooooweee.

im sorry youre dead weezy. i kinda hated you, but only cuz you insisted on attacking my legs every morning while i was trying to get ready for school. you desereved to be a wierdo cat for a bit longer.

i so knew dave was a fucking psycho.

on halloween, a girl from my color class told me she was trying to place, for months, who i reminded her of. apparently, i remind her of rayanne graff. CHILDHOOD GOAL = COMPLETED!

also, it was 75 degrees today.its the beginning of november. bizzare.

yeah i know i owe yall a real post, but livejournal is for lameos.

so you should come say goodbye. I'm moving out of Brooklyn on Friday. Thursday night I'd like to have some people over to drink 40s on my stoop, chill, and possibly smoke a blunt on the brooklyn bridge.

come over around 8. stay with me forever. if you need my address lemme know.

today, I got this letter in the mail:


I GOT INTO SAIC!!! my top school!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

i havent been this happy in a REALLY long time.

so, to all my chicagoland compatriots: I'll be joining your ranks very soon. so you best prepare yourselves. and your city.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

i spent all weekend cleaning and fixing up my apt so it actually looks like people live here. im taking a cue from alli and letting you fine individuals have first pick of the stuff im either gonna donate or throw away. more shit to come later this week. comment with what you want and when you expect to pick it up. if you can't come get it, ill send whatever you want to you if you paypal me the $ for shipping. ALL OF THE REMAINING BOOKS WILL BE DONATED ON APRIL 1ST. that means if you claim a book, but dont pick it up by the 1st, it will be donated along with the others. and now, on to the goods!



1.American Heritage Dictionary 2nd College Edition
2.The Rat by Gunter Grass
3.Bunny Modern by David Bowman (CLAIMED BY ALLI)
4.Zen in the Art of Archery by Eugen Herrigel
5.Rogets II The New Thesaurus
6.Basic Math and Pre-Algebra by Cliffs Notes



7.Basic 35mm Photo Guide by Craig Alesse (CLAIMED BY ALLI)
8.Before They Were Famous: In Their Own Words by Karen Hardy Bystedt
9.Pot Stories for the Soul by Paul Krassner (CLAIMED BY AYLA)
10.Native Wisdom for White Minds by Anne Wilson Schaef
11.Idiot's Guide to Biblical Mysteries by Donald P. Ryan (CLAIMED BY LIZ)



12. Listening to Prozac by Peter D. Kramer
13.Great Detectives by David McCullough (CLAIMED BY CODY)
14.The Bible As History by Werner Keller (CLAIMED BY LIZ)
15.I'm a Stranger Here Myself by Ogden Nash (CLAIMED BY CODY)
16. The Devil's Profession by Russell O'Neil
17.The Tianamen Papers by Andrew J. Nathan and Perry Link
18.Mysteries by Knut Hamsun




19. Prisoners of Power by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky
20.Diary of the War of the Pig by Adolfo Bioy Casares
21.Zen Runes by Maria Letizia Renzulli
22.Selected Short Stories by William Saroyan
23.Dave Berg Looks at The USA by Dave Berg (CLAIMED BY ANDREW)
24.The Hedonism Handbook by Michael Flocker (CLAIMED BY ALLI)
25.The Theif's Journal by Jean Genet (CLAIMED BY EMILY)
26.Barron's Japanese Grammar (CLAIMED BY AYLA)



27. Summer in Baden-Baden by Leonid Tsypkin
28.The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka (why do i have two copies of this book??)
29.Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse
30.The Tibetan Art of Healing by Ian A. Baker
31.Constitutional Law: Cases and Materials by William Cohen and Jonathan D. Varat (CLAIMED BY AYLA)
32.Vampire: The Complete Guide to the World of the Undead by Manuela Dunn Mascetti (CLAIMED BY ANDREW)
33.The New Macrame by Katie DuMont(CLAIMED BY EMILY)
34.Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare (apparently i have two copies of this too. bizarre)

I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone
by Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Annemarie S. Kidder

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone

enough

to truly consecrate the hour.

I am much too small in this world, yet not small

enough

to be to you just object and thing,

dark and smart.

I want my free will and want it accompanying

the path which leads to action;

and want during times that beg questions,

where something is up,

to be among those in the know,

or else be alone.



I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,

never be blind or too old

to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.

I want to unfold.

Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;

for there I would be dishonest, untrue.

I want my conscience to be

true before you;

want to describe myself like a picture I observed

for a long time, one close up,

like a new word I learned and embraced,

like the everday jug,

like my mother's face,

like a ship that carried me along

through the deadliest storm.