I jusy thought i would sit and write. Life is so crazy. Aj keeps saying he doesnt know if we are gonna make it or not and hes been thinking not more then we are. Its so stressful with tjings with him since we live together. It was so good when we werrnt living together. But hes also hard to live with too. I have learned different things about him that i hate and i dont know how to deal with. Im just pretty much soon going to be done with it because its to much. So let me tellbyou abouy aj. Aj use to be with my friend kerri and we just happen to fall for each other. They havent been together in over two years or more so... I lost all my friends due to the situation. I look like the homewrecker even though they werent together. Ugh i just lookblike the bad person period. I didnt even make the first move aj did i woildnt jave evet even done anything if it wasnt for him but im all to blame. I think its becoming to much this morning he was all mad because i made thebmoves on him told him i wanted him and he ignored thay fact and fell asleep in the livingroom. I was upset not like this was the firstbtime he did this. This is now the third time. Im not really one to make the first moves but i have been trying. Hebtold me today that i complain all the time... I hate to think i might. Life is hard at times and hes all i got since i lost all my friends. My insecurities are becoming to be too much but its not just me. Hes made because he has to tell me when hes not gonna be home i dont care where hes going i just want to be let known when hes not gonna be home so i dont worry. But i guess im asking to mich and he reminds me thats why he didnt want to be in a relationship and how hes missed out on lots of stuff the last couple months because of me he spends all his time with me... Ugh sometimes the things that come out his mouth hurt. He has girls trxting him that are totally in love with him but they are just his friends. Im not comfortable with it. It hurts. I dunno maybe im stupid for being with him. We had something good before i moved in here now maybe i do bitch about the things i have found out about him. I dunno. Ughhhhhhhh tired.
i know its been a really long time since i have written or stayed in touch with anyone from on here but i do have face book just look me up on there... i dont know i just need somewhere to vent alittle bit i think. whats better then on here on my livejournal. things seem to be so messed up right now. in january we moved back in with mona and brittany and now she has her two little ones its been really hard in my eyes because we dont have our own spot. thats all i want. we found this house that was the spot we all needed and it didn't come through for us which really sucks but we are trying our best to find something to make things better. i just dont really like being under the roof where my mother in law is again its so hard for me. its like we went to dinner today and me and nathaniel paid for it and they tell him thank you and dont say anything to me about it at all.. i mean where do i fit. i know i am there family and they look at me like that because i have been with nathaniel for almost six years but it would be nice to get a thank you sometimes to. its just hard. I just want that respect too.. the reason why we came back here was because we were living about an hour and a half away and nathaniel lost his job well i was still working at waffle house but the money at that one wasn't good at all so we had to figure something out. and this was the only thing that made sense. well now he has a job and i dont. and i hate sitting around at the house.. if there is one thing about me i like to work and i have always been like that and plus it would give me time out of the house instead of always being here and always being around everyone all the time i need my time too.. and work was always that time. i feel like now that ihavn't been gettin that its been alot harder for me since we have been here.. i dont want to go back to waffle house nor can i even if i did want to go back to the one in longmont for many reasons just to long to write about here... i have been looking its just been really hard for me to find anything and i guess i dont understand because i know that i am a hard worker and that i would do my job to the fullest i just need someone to give me that chance to show what i could bring to the table.Its hard being around the kids so much because in that area is where brittany is lacking in and i am so judgemental sometimes and i know thats a bad thing but i am. one of the bad parts about me. i try not to be. i am already feeling overwhelmed with being here and its only been a month and a half and now its trying to find out how to fix that and i dont know how. i talk to nathaniel and he says i am over reacting because i was so use to the past year just being him and i and now i have to share my time with him again with other people when all we had there was each other. i want this to work out but there are those times i dont feel its going to work out and i want it to be just him and i but then in other words we weren't making it like that this past year and i would love to get on our feet. the thing about getting a house and all of us living together is that our rent is still going to be over what we were paying for our one bedroom apartment and we will be paying more so when do we feel we are going to have the time to save anything at all because we wont.. i know next year not this one but next one is our year to go back to vegas to renew our vows but i dont know how we are going to afford that if we are spending 800.00 in rent and then we have to pay bills on top of that... its just so hard to think about everything that is running through my head and sometimes i feel like i dont have anyone to talk to because i dont want to hurt anyones feelings and i know that this is my family also... they became my family along time ago there are just things about them that are hard to get over and i try my best to but its just really hard. i just want my OWN space something that i can call my own something that has all my stuff in it and people can't just come walk in my room anytime that they want to... right now we are sleeping in my sister in laws room and it seems like people just walk in there anytime... if we are sleeping they come in there and wake me up because i hear everything while i am sleeping one of the things i wish i wasn't also that i could sleep hard but i can't and so when they come in there i can hear them and they wake me up and its like could you at least wait until we are awake to come in there... nathaniel is working night shift and they are going in and out of the room all day while hes trying to sleep for work that night and i hate that... is this right for me thats what i keep asking myself and to tell you the truth sometimes i feel it isn't but then there are those times i love being around the kids and having females around to talk to about everything and then there is that omg there are other females in the home and everyone knows how that is... females... we hate each other at times but there are those times we love each other and we just know how we feel when we want to be the woman of the house. i hate not having my computer to myself. which i dont have... Mona sits here all day and noone else gest to get on and the best part about that is this is my computer. now i dont mind sharing thats not the problem but when you sit here all day and dont let other people get on then it becomes a problem like i told nathaniel my computer is going in our room and he said that is going to start a fight well i am sorry but its my computer i paid for it. and i have already found things wrong with it since we have moved here that hasn't happened until mona and brittany started getting on here again. i know that i am probably sounding insane but this is what my journal has always been for.. Nathaniel and I are doing fine as in our marriage.. hes my dream come true and i wouldn't have wanted a better husband then i have. i just need some me time at times and the only time i get it well tonight is the first time actually and i have been thinking about everything and i thought maybe just maybe its time to write... well i am going to go i probably will come back tomorrow night i have missed yous all and i hope yous are still on my friends list...
so i am at work and since i have a minute thought i would write alittle bit. Things here seem to be goingokay other then nathaniel hasnt had any luck with a job yet and i went back to good old waffle house just a different one and may i add that i hate it here to be honest with you the other girls dont like me because i wont put up with their shit and i am sorry but i am not here to do their jobs. This waffle house is so dirty and it doesnt matter how much i clean its dirty the next night i just hate it but its a job right. I did try to find something else when we moved here and i didnt have any luck with anything so i came back to a waffle house about three weeks ago its so hard because i work so hard and noone else does and its so hard to deal with it. I was on first shift at longmont waffle house and here in colorado springs i am on third and this shift is so slow there are those nights i even wonder why i come in. Lastnight was a good night for tips i made good money and i was so glad gotta go love me
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