Call Me Morbid Call Me Pale...

i got a new journal name. i got tired of this one so yeaaah add meeee please ^.^

 

blacklightglitz

Its all over. Me and andrew are done. He said a break. i just think im not going to try anymore. i've tried to love someone who didnt know how to love me or even see me enough. I need someone up not down. I wanted it to work so badly.. and i was just lying to myself everytime he hurt me, and every fucking time he didnt call back. i was making excusues. well im not going to anymore. he left.. and if he comes back im turning away. I've got to learn to let him go. This is going to be harder then it has ever been for me. 2 years. gone. 2 years of trying to get rides to see each other, and endless complaints from me, wanting needing and feeling so isolated from him. We have love. i know this deep down and so does he. but i really guess love just isnt enough

Im so deep in this that it felt so impossible to end it. So in the end he was doing me a favor. I guess in an odd way, to hurt me he had to do it first. And i wanted this.. but i never thought it would kill me so much. Im so dead. I really feel like he was my life. My energy. But the wrong kind. I tried to change his evil selfishness with my love AND I DID but only for awhile. Then he fell again and i wasnt able to get him back up because he refused me. I just want the pain of our memorys to stop burning themselves into my mind. The images are scattered and lifeless now that i see them. They seem so long ago.. so far away. I havent seen him in 5 weeks. and now ill never see him again.. how am i supposed to feel? I know i want to feel free, i know that i want to be happy that im not going to have to go through his pathetic shit anymore but how am i going to ever make love to anyone else? will anyone ever touch me and give me that feeling of being cared and loved for? I miss that. And i want that.. and i thought i had that.

I know everyone has been through this. I know for a fact but now im the one feeling this for the first time in my life and i feel like im all alone. He wont even talk. Well i havent tried calling him and i dont want to. I dont want even think of him.. i want to runaway from these emotions. But how? there's no way... The Hurt. Its overwhelming. And its still fresh. It's metalic and tastes like death. And that is all i want now..death..

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

I dont know why but for some reason the song creep reminds me of my friend cate. Well it wouldnt really matter i guess. Im not one of those people in her life and i dont think ill be able to. I fucking hate distance. It always seems like the ones i want to be close to, are too far to reach. But all i ever wanted was to be someone in someones life like they are to me. Hurts doesnt it? Feels weird when your on the outside peering into someones life the best you can. Only to feel left out again. It shouldnt bother me.. but it does.

Your so fucking special.. I wish i was special..but im a creep...

Why do so many of my dreams feel close? And why do i let myself become distant.

So here comes another weekend. Another attempt at being alive. Ill try my very hardest to fit myself back into a state where i can think clearly. I finally quit smoking thank goodness so i guess i only have that to look forward to. Have to think about whats important. School. My mom. My writing books. and my music. Thats all i have now.

 

I am so fucking lonley....

 this one is so cute hehe

ok sorry for so many pix. i just put the ones that caught my eye ..

i've known all my life how much of a drama queen i am, but this is by far the worst shit that has ever happened to me. I havent seen andrew in three weeks and now he cant come this weekend either.

what am i going to do? my whole world revolves around him.. i want to fucking CUT the line, drag my nails over my face and scream. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH???? WHY? why cant i be used to this, used to not seeing him, why is my body going through so much pain just because of one person.

I dont want to cry anymore and i dont want to sit and wait for a call, a voice over the phone (which pretty much sums up our whole Fukin relitionship) God am i that fucking stupid? that i cant even take myself away from the very thing that destroys me. I've never wanted to dissapear as much as i do right now. Do i deserve this torture? did i do something wrong along the way? what can i do to fix this mess of broken promises and stepped on dreams, what do i do with us? this is all just a big dissapointment.

You + Me= We
And We - You = only me... and i dont know how to be bymyself.
I dont want to die
I just dont want to be here anymore....
My fairytale is gloom and heartbreaking now. Theres nothing left to piece together anything that would resemble a happy ending

So i guess ill just sleep..

 

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I Dont Want This To become a reality.... i found this story and i wanted to share it with you. Tell me when to close my eyes.

 

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You can ask me 1-7 questions.
No matter how random, revealing, rude, naughty or pointless, I promise to answer them 100% truthfully.

Repost this to see what others ask you.

If you don't then you're scared of what people may ask you.

If Its a girl her name will be:

Kirsten or Helen.. or Kirsten Helen

If its a boy his name will be:

Shane christopher or Michael Andrew



i wish i was better with names.. can someone suggest any?

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