my 15yo nephew committed suicide on his fathers birthday. i'm still having a hard time grieving. it scared me because he was posting these cryptic emo posts but acted ok otherwise. there was romance gone wrong, pressure from my brother (his father) and his bitch of a mother had kicked him out a week before. my mom is in a really terrible depression and was ready to kill herself, she almost drowned. her friend saved her life. he has pretty much convinced her to stay alive.
my best friend moved in. then she stole over half my klonopin. and change. and smoked in her room. i had to kick her out and that was so hard. i cry over this but not so much my nephew. i don't know why.
so i'm back to losing weight again, very happy. but apparently jack told my mother i wasn't eating. yes, i had a couple of days where i was either on sugar or not eating and my blood sugar crashed big time. but there was nothing made in the house and i didn't want to cook.
so i eat when my body says eat on a regular basis. and mostly it says 1-2 times a day. no i'm not eating 1000-1200 calories a day and that is because i gain weight if i don't work out for an hour and a half that day.
i do not consider myself anorexic, just in tune with my bodies needs.
wearing size 12 old navy pants (14-16 in other brands i think) can't wait to get into my size 10s. got a whole lot of different and cool styles.
i have gall stones. couple of flare ups but no big deal yet.
i also have some permanent eye damage making everything harder to see and read. optic neuritis, retro bulbar optic neuritis, lazy eye, double vision-- no wonder i thought i was hallucinating after getting sober. i just have issues with what i see.
been reading and watching twilight series. love them but wouldn't recommend them to girls with low self esteem.
going to a baby shower today. instead of cards they asked for books. can do! still have a few books i'm not getting rid of but had plenty to go. and some book marks too.
made a great dish yesterday. lentils, rice, ground turkey, veg stock, carrots, cabbage and onions. and some spices. should have salted it better. i love my crock pot.
mostly on face book these days. feel like following me? i'll give you my name.
i came out to mom when i was 15. hence the dx of PCOS due to mom's worrying i had too much testosterone. i'm not kidding. i've had to keep coming out to her because she still refers to it as 'that phase you went through'. no mom i'm still me.
xmas at j's mom's house was crazy. could my mother in law be more insulting to me? or buy me a crappier non working gift? or being a bitch that my mom bought jack a coat like most years? we weren't expecting anything from my parents so a coat was actually nice. she pissed me off so much. she never thinks about what she says.
this sucks. i had to cancel my appt with my therapist due to insurance coverage changes. i'm pissed.
crap. its gonna cost $800. that 103 more than i get in a month. they accept NO insurances. maybe she'll take payments and i'll do it in a few months. i had some testing done yesterday and i had some problems so they did recomend i get the testing.
i made stuff today and it was really good. (lentil-rice-veggie-turkey bacon) really trying to work on my weight more. doing better though back down to 195lbs. 3+ bottles of water a day.
excited for the solstice. really should be the real new year. not sure what i'm doing except going to see my therapist.
ready for xmas. can't wait to give gifts and get them! i know some of what i'm getting so i'm even more excited!
my p.t. is going well. johan got some knots out but we're still working on my lower back since i'm sway back which causes the tension in my upper back.
its freakin cold in my house. keep it at 60-63 degrees so i'm freezing.
i felt so hungry today! i made a lentil rice carrot onion and turkey bacon crock pot dish. i just couldn't quit eating it! my mom said put some salt on it and it will satisfy your craving. totally worked. i need to actually salt now when i cook. i did have some low fat popcorn and felt full as well. and a juice-cicle. very tastey.
today was cold. i put on my headscarf over my forehead and ears and pulled it around and knotted it at my neck. i went on my walk and people who had smiled at me and said hello either ignored me or frowned at me. only the lesbian couple was nice enough to both say hi.
i'm disgusted by this. this area has one of the greatest concentration of arab christians and muslims. the racism pisses me off. no i'm not a muslim but in this weather the women have it right to be covered up.
sorry i'm not reading everyones entries but my eyes hurt.
went through all my clothes today, got rid of about half my shirts. can't find my long black a-line skirt. this is driving me crazy! dump out all the give away clothes and nit pick through them. nothing. eat half a bag of popcorn and an orange. take my second hour long walk of the day. fill up bottle with ice at the gas station (4th bottle). trying to avoid a cigarette. its my third day. again. so i'm really trying to be good. my first 2 days were just like 'wow, i don't want to smoke' not an intentional thing. today, not so much. but if i had the skirt i wouldn't want to eat and if i didn't eat i wouldn't need to smoke and if i wasn't eating and smoking i wouldn't have to keep walking all day and drowning myself in water to not smoke.
this ocd shit is serious business. but at least i think i have it figured out a little. jack rented me "ocd: a book for the newly diagnosed"
i have all kinds of medical stuff i've saved for a sick day ; / its a good thing i did cause i hurt a bone in my foot so i'm in my boot. never get rid of medical stuff unless its expired and even then... well i keep that crap too.
distressed
crushed