I got an email from College Board saying to use the mycollegequickstart or whatever to help myself score better on the PSAT.
Yeah. Sure.
The next email came from... Carleton college?
These guys are arrogant.
It starts off with a tag that goes like this:
"There's a word for people like you.
Smart."
I have a problem with it right there. They're trying to woo me with false compliments, trying to usher me into whatever little program they have set up... to top it off, it's in large, orange font, friendly, inviting.
I continue on.
The email says I'm smart two or three more times (or the things that I do are smart). It also lists reasons why I should go to their college.
Wait...
If I'm that smart, I wouldn't go to Carleton.
It doesn't even spell right.
Next email was from University of Washington. They had a different approach; they wrote an email on the importance of college, and the importance of choosing a good location for you. Of course they then plugged their own location, or they wouldn't have any benefit in writing it, but... Overall, nicer than Carleton. And at least they can spell right.
College Board must have done something recently, because I have a third email. University of Evansville... what? Never heard of them. The whole email was self-praise on miniscule things - "Listed in the top three schools nationally for the percentage of students who studied abroad," and other things like that. It was all "we're the best, go to us..." and ends with this.
"Your recent scores on the PSAT indicate you have been a successful student, the kind of student who will do well at UE. "
While it's true that a successful student will probably do well at UE...
My reason for living is fading, but not quite gone. Not quite, eh.
Long week is long. Today is the second longest day, just behind... Monday? When I woke up at 4 AM and didn't sleep until eleven or midnight or something. It's been a terrible week.
Strangely happy today.
When it's the worst day of all.
I can't help but think that if I didn't go to Amber's livejournal, if her account didn't autosignin and if I didn't read that entry, either none of this would have happened (as in I blew it all out of proportion when I read the entry), or I'd be completely oblivious as to why it was happening (though I suppose she'd've told me eventually. Yeah).
So here I am. I don't know what to think. I just got off the phone with Amber, same as normal; we spent the evening on AIM, same as normal. We even did a sortof cyber thing, but only sort of because we didn't want to devalue things by cybering when we were broken up. Then we had a pantsless party on the phone...
...so confused at what to think. We love each other still, I don't know why we're broken up. Well, I do. It's just not a good reason to me. Still, who am I to judge? I only think it's not a good reason because I personally wouldn't do it. Maybe I would if I had four or five girls who wanted me. I can't say. I think I'm loyal enough... but am I really that strong-willed? It must be hard to force yourself to stay with me.
I'm going to try to take this as slowly as I can. Gonna go like I always do, take it slowly...
/*All along [still] it was the geto, nothing but the geto Takin short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low And never let go cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless I'm goin' INSANE!*/
It's not my nature (almost typed mature instead of my nature) to be an optimist, but then again, two years ago it wasn't in my nature to have a girlfriend. (If that's something you'd call natural.) I think I could sure TRY this whole Optimism thing.
I'm not really sure how, though. I'd need a mentor. I get too wound up over too small of things - I need someone to teach me how to forget everything that's going on, and just chillax.
I've been wanting to use that word for days.
I'm sure if I weren't so tired, I'd be pretty happy right now. As it is, the weight of my watch is hurting my arm, typing this.
My necklace broke. That's a shame, because it was actually sentimental to me. I don't know where the string went, either so I can't fix it - I just have the little red diamond. My neck feels so bare.
I'm thinking of trying my hand at poetry. I don't really get how it works. I might need a teacher for that, too. I can do the whole rhyming words thing but the other kind, that involves mainly fragmenting sentences and using improper grammar, is a mystery to me.
Well, I got out of camping. I wouldn't call it got out of. I'd call it being depressed until my mom decided something was wrong with me and convinced my dad I shouldn't go.
So they gave me a choice.
I probably made the wrong one.
I think the root of my depression, the root of my sadness, is guilt. I've let people down - most recently my father. I told him I didn't want to be in the OA. He didn't sign me up for the OA camping trip. I do think he wants me to be in it, though, so now I feel guilty for saying that, even if it's true.
7:49
And after my shower, I have a different feeling. I talked to my mom. She talked SENSE into me. She helped me.
I still feel guilty. But I feel okay about it. I still have a choice to make, though. Should I register for the OA camping trip and go with my dad, or take advantage of the fact I'm not registered and go to a concert with Amber? I was kind of brought up thinking concerts were important. I say kind of - it wasn't a value instilled into me, but every time my dad talks about going to a concert with my mom it's a kind of revered talking.
I don't know... I'll think on it, though. I have until Monday, either way.
Of course I am. This is Michael's livejournal, isn't it.
It's been a long time. I remember that November post. That was one of the happiest times of my life...
I'm not here to reminisce, though. I'm here to post something. Something meaningful.
I'm sad. Depressed. Frustrated? One of those. It's hard being me, but I don't know why. I'm not sure if it's stress causing it, hormones, as Amber said, or something else completely unrelated. It's probably my fault, though. If it is stress, is it recent stress? What's stressed me recently? Or is it built up stress over the years? Or is it just some inner wall breaking and I'm just not able to handle things I used to be able to?
Hm. Needless to say, this isn't one of the happiest times of my life. I don't know why, but today seems especially bad. Maybe camping will be good for me. Maybe it will keep my mind off of things long enough for my thoughts to settle down.
Maybe it will just give me time to think over things more and find the root of my depression.
