LOST LOVE letters

Dear Rembrandt

Oh how your name alone makes shivers go up and down my spine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we found each other & then lost each other the way we did. I know we were meant to be, if you remembered meeting me at my Poetry Anthology launch back in 2010, all those years later. Just one meeting yet you said you still remembered me. How often does that happen? I'm a hopeless romantic. We had so much in common, our poetry oh our poetry 7 our passion for life.  I'm sorry that when I wrote to you I was not myself, later to be chucked into hospitals & diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic all against my will. I'm sorry I threw myself at you with all those assumptions about your person & character that irritated you so & that came from a lovestruck stranger. I'm sorry I let myself down by losing your respect as an author for threatening to write a book about my crazy experiences & my love for you when we'd only known each other for a moment & claiming, when it was clear you were not responding to my love for you that I just wanted to entice you to talk to me so I could write a fiction about a woman's messed up experiences & a poet's love for another poet. You took offense at this & blocked me on facebook, I don't blame you. All I wanted was us. To be us. Like Sylvia Plath & Ted hughes. In hospital they called me erotomanic simply because I so fervently believed that you could love me too, if you only just knew me. That broke my heart, that cold, medical cynicism. To be medicalized is the worst thing in the world. I saw heaven because of you. The streets sang, each person's face shone with love & light , everyone was going to lead me to you. I saw Angel light. I thought my life was in danger & that people were out to kill me simply because they were jealous of our love. I saw love shining from each & every single line that you wrote & hoped that it was meant for me. I know we could have been something amazing together. I wanted to marry you. I read all your twitter & facebook posts, as well as your poetry & all I could see was this incredibly beautiful, amazing human being shining back at me, like I'd never seen before. Now I'm on medication that numbs my emotions & I can't even feel sexual desire & due to ending up in hospital so many times & refusing medication I'm one step away from being put on a community treatment order ( where you have to live in a certain place all your life & the police can come after you & throw you into hospital if you refuse medication) & I've lost my visa rights to the US, Australia, Japan, China & New Zealand yet all I can think about despite all of this is still you, only you. You're the best poet, man, human being I have ever met & that will never change. I will always love you. I will always wish something had happened between us, that we could have built a life together. And one of these days I will finish that book about you & me & hospital & all my crazy thoughts back then & it will be the saddest, best love song in the world. And who knows maybe one day you will read it or hear of it, or your friends will ( as I know some of them) & they will pass it on to you... & maybe you'll change your opinion about me & maybe my epitah will be your name insribed underneath mine with the lines ' she loved him'... I keep going because of you, I live, write & breathe because of you. Why do you have to be so far away, all the way up in Yorkshire while I'm stuck in Bristol. Why is it that the last time you came down here I saw you but did not get to speak to you, to brave you blanking me, maybe. I hope whoever finds you & whomever you find brings you happiness, if we can't be together. My Love forever, Olga

A philosopher once said, "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." The truth is; and it's a heavily used cliche, "no one is perfect". However, we all have to strive for better, even if that means searching outside of ourselves and leaving our past behind. I believe you have reached this point in your life, and I don't hate you for it. We only live once and our days are numbered, I could never ask you to spend another moment with me unhappy.

When I first met you all those years ago, I knew I was going to fall in love with you. You were beautiful, your heart was so pure, and you were always smiling. When I looked at you I thought, she is the road to an easy life. You and I were very different though and I knew I wasn't going to be everything you would truly desire in a man. I wasn't as outgoing, I didn't smile as much as you did, and unfortunately my heart could never be as pure. However, there was something between us brewing as we dated, and it seemed to be a good match. I could make you smile on the days you weren't happy, my temperament kept you safe, and helped guide you from your trusting eyes, my ears were always open when you needed them, and I was a friend for you no matter what, I was your rock and you were my breathe of fresh air.

So what happened...?

When you are with someone for as long as we have been together, it's difficult to place fault on any one thing. The reality is there are several issues between us, many unresolved. When I think of our life together, I imagine a large puzzle with our wedding picture on it. Each piece of the puzzle is what keeps us together; but over time pieces were worn or removed as issues arose. Unfortunately, the issues we had were not dealt with in a mature manner and never able to be returned to their prospective place; and eventually the sanctity of our marriage began falling apart just like a puzzle, integrity compromised by the several missing pieces.

Now we are left with the history we once shared and the life we made for ourselves; however, we have become two different people, going two separate ways. This is not what I had hoped for at all. I wanted to grow together with my companion and share intimacy as much as possible each day; and by intimacy, I mean the closeness of our love and souls. I can't place blame for everything on you, just as you can not place all the blame on me for how we grew apart. This would only be unfair to ourselves, and we wouldn't learn anything by having this self-righteous, perceptual view.

The other day, I gave you an ultra matem: choose to mend our broken relationship and grow together, or continue living our life as we are. You chose to continue living your life as you are, focusing on the relationships outside our marriage. I don't want to continue living a life where I am married to someone I love; but still feel so alone in life. I feel like I don't have a partner and this unhappiness is causing more issues not only for you, but for me too. My confidence and self-esteem have been affected; and I feel worn. I feel as though if you cared about working on this relationship, you would place less energy and focus on the several relationships you have between all your social media channels and immediate friends; and focus on us. I wasn't asking you to give up your friends, only to make them less of a priority; but you seem unable to balance a marriage, children and friends well. The kids take priority over me, your iphone takes priority over me, and I don't want to be last on the totem poll. I want us to put ourselves, "us" first before all other things, as I believe it should be. I wanted our kids to see us as a team and know who counts first: the people under their roof, not people who won't be around in ten years. I feel like you could care less whether or not we divorce; and are more concerned with the monetary value you're awarded at the end of the divorce.

So here I am, writing you with a heavy heart and disappointment. I want you to be happy in life and have everything you want. You deserve that, as do I. I was not able to provide you with everything you needed, and this isn't my fault or yours, it's just the reality of our life. In the end, when we are signing our papers to be officially divorced forever, we will be two strangers in that room. Two people who once loved each other with their whole heart and at one time, wanted to grow old together.

I hope one day you can reflect back and see what my true intentions have been for our relationship, and I am not as sociopathic or sadistic as you make me out to be. Eventually, friends fade, but true love never dies. I have to believe there was not true love between us or this letter would not be written and having your attention would be without question. I will wish you all the best in your next life, and I know you will be everything you need to be for your next love as will I. The mistakes made in this marriage will not carry into the next, when there is a next for both of us. I was very reluctant to write about a "next marriage" or relationship; but I had to envision you with someone else to see how I felt; and know that we are finally over. I am not saying that it feels good to think about you moving on; but it does feel good to see you happy. Perhaps, one day, we will be friends but this will be in the far away future because time heals all wounds; and I will need a lot of time.

I hope you know in your heart that I do love you; but the change we need to happen is not being placed into mechanical action. If you think for one second I am not aware of what happiness is, or what a relationship is, you couldn't be more wrong. If I made you happy, your entire family and group of friends would not think so low of me. I have definitely made mistakes in this relationship, and have hurt you; I am sorry for this, but you know in your heart that you can say the same. As I said before, I don't want to place blame on you or any one particular issue. There is perspective and truth, reality and perception, facts and feelings, our issues and personal issues, all of which can be protested to justify right and wrong for our problems.

Everything I am writing about will make more sense to you at your darkest hour because you will see how the relationship of "what is" and "what could have been" are closely related.

I will always remember you as the girl who won my heart with crickets. I will never and would never drag your reputation through the mud or discount all the wonderful things you have done for me in the past. In the end, for me, no one else mattered except this family.

All love.

 CW,

You drive me crazy, you will be the end of my sanity. I dont want to feel for you, I shouldnt feel for you. I need you out of my head before you creep into my heart and nestle down into it. My heart is full, occupied by my soul mate. I have no need for you. I understand that I have to see you, I have to talk to you, I have to try hard not to be a bitch to you. I dont want to be a bitch to you, and hurt you. I adore you, I am a fan. I just wish that I didnt feel so much... One day I will look back on this and laugh, at that time you will be a bff of mine... just a regular buddy... Im sorry that what I said came across the wrong way... but its hard to take what someone means in reality when its said via txt.. I tell you the truth, I apologize and you dont even respond..OUCH.... cmon.. way to ruin my day. Like I said.. you will be the death of my sanity. 

To My Ex Lover,

It has been over 2 months since I have seen your face or heard your voice, & I am just barely realizing that you & I will never again have a conversation. Never again will I feel your touch. & I don't ache for you at all... Not the real you, at least. To say I don't ache at all would be a complete lie. I admit, at times, my heart aches for the comfort of delusion you provided, because that is really what you were... a fucking delusion that I loved. You were like a beautiful hallucination. At times I long for that bliss again, despite the sheer nonsensicality of it all. But it was bliss just the same. Bliss need not be "valid". That's one of the things I learned from you.

I was [usually] aware that you were merely a delusion, but I didn't give a fuck. I was just living for the thrill of the moment, not giving a thought to the painful consequences of reality. Since you have been gone, I have had to seek that crazy bliss all on my own. It is not quite the same. But it gets me through... like a swallow of water in a desert. Not enough to truly hydrate, but enough to sustain life... for now.

Sometimes, at night, I remember the warmth of your embrace & it helps me sleep. But it is not really "you" I am thinking of anymore... Rather, it is an illusion, a mere shadow of who you used to be that I dream of in the darkness now. I don't think of your face, your voice, or anything about "you". That would hurt... Rather, it is more like a phantom I dream of now. I dream of the phantom's embrace, whose aura is scented vaguely like your own, & am comforted just enough to last another night.

What drew me to you in the 1st place was your insanity. Because I saw you as a "good crazy". You know, the type of person who lives for the moment. The type of person who could be hanging off a cliff & be laughing hysterically at the same time. I loved how you lived on the edge. You were always ready to die... & die happily you would have. You inspired me to run out into that darkness, into the unknown. Your way of leaving everything behind inspired me. How many of your life stories were true & how many were fictionalized, I will never know. But your way of living in the moment & on the edge inspired me so fucking much... so much that I finally gathered the courage to leave you.

No one can truly have that "good crazy" side without also having a bit of the old "bad crazy" as well. Fortunately, I channel my bad crazy side through music, movement, & momentum. But the bad side of your insanity was not just bad, it was fucking terrible. Your rage was destructive, mindless, & all-consuming at times. I guess after having your brains blasted to Hell in Iraq, & having had an alcoholic of a father, & a weak broken pitiful mess of a mother, you felt you had a right. Your story is a pathetic cliche, but tragic all the same. I tried to be there for you. But long before you met me, you were determined to fail.

I think you resented me for trying to instill the courage to dream in you. You did not see the purpose. But I did... I believed in you. Maybe because I was crazy too. But still, I genuinely believed in you, & whether you know it or not, I think you resented me for believing in you, loving you, & for trying to embark us on a more promising path.

After I left you, I spent many days & nights along the shore. Absorbing the quiet roar of the ocean, as the glowing moon followed me no matter where I walked. I knew somewhere out there, you were also gazing at that moon, because you were never one to resist lunacy. So from now on, whenever I gaze at the full moon, I will know that you are watching me as well, from somewhere behind that silver orb.

As much as I miss the lunacy of the bliss & the beautiful delusions we shared, I DON'T MISS the way you screamed at me. The way you took the pain of your entire life out on me. The way you blamed the failure of your dreams on me. I DON'T MISS the way you forever unburdened your childhood pain & Full-Metal-Jacket-war-stories onto me, never realizing that your pain became my pain. & I carried those burdens for you because I loved you. But trying to help you carry those burdens just fucked me over. & I don't miss being a slave to your neurosis.

I DON'T MISS the way you stared angry at me sometimes, as if the sight of me made you sick. I don't miss your cracked up family! I DON'T MISS your accusing text messages & phone calls in the dead of night, where you ranted in all capital letters about how I HAVE KILLED YOUR HEART & SOUL. I don't miss your childish violence -- the lame attempts of an impotent man to prove himself virile. I don't miss your fucking apologies, your tears of sorrow & remorse, all in selfish effort. I don't miss your constant requests for head... because I don't suck cock for a guy who treats me like shit. I don't miss the way you weakened me. The way you depleted my self-esteem until I truly believed you were the best I could do.

The fact that I actually recognized the female cop the last time the neighbors called the police on you was a blatant sign that I have a problem. Because it seems I kept trying to indirectly commit suicide through relationships. The fact that I am probably in a police file somewhere as being the victim of numerous domestic disputes does not do me proud. It fills me with shame.

I remember the last day I spent with you. You were in the other room, breaking down the doors, screaming about how I was such an evil bitch. I don't why, because I always tried to treat you well. I was faithful. I gave you foot massages. Well, that last day, I was crying on the floor. Bashing my head in. I was dying. As I was crying on the floor, I thought to myself, "I can either stay here & die because of him. Or I can leave. & If I die, at least it will because of me..." & Somehow I mustered the strength to stand, to look you in the eye & tell you I hated you, & that I wasn't coming back. Somehow [I still don't fucking know] I managed to leave, & to keep on going.

I RELEASE YOU. Run wild, run free... It has taken me long enough to be able to do this... But I release you. I release you so you can no longer hold power over me. I release you so you can be free. I release you so I can be free. I will allow myself to cry, to feel, to remember... But I release you from my desire, my idealism. I will never know you again.

I will remember you both well & badly. I will remember you accurately, no matter how much it hurts. You have forever changed me. You have made me more free to live in the moment. You have made me more free to live on the edge. In fact, I don't even feel right unless I am on the edge. You have made me dangerous & impulsive & crazy & beautiful all at once. You have made my soul older & sadder. I will never fear Death again.

I cannot change the past. You left permanent scars on me. So for that, I will extract every ounce of "good crazy" I fucking can from the experience, & smile every time I remember the pain. You have wholly fucked me over. I know I must have done the same to you.

& so, ex lover, this is my last goodbye to you, as I kiss your shadow good night...

Lisa

Dear John;

I see no point in keeping your anonymity on a site that you would never find me on.  I'm surprised at how legible my thoughts can be online; compared to the scribbles on the pieces of paper I call my diary.  I was never good at staying on topic, was I?

I love you. I miss you. I still think about you. I want to hug you & never let you go. I wonder what would've happened if you & I got together and whatnot. All those cliche stuff that anybody can think of, I've thought of about you. All those tears I cried, blah blah blah.

Sounding sardonic & bitter was not my idea. It seems like the mention of you, I do a lot of silly things. I feel incredibly stupid when I think about you. I find myself still daydreaming about you. I always look back now, replaying the scene where you told us that we should be friends. I didn't think I liked you that much, I kept up such a strong facade, didn't I? But once you left, I broke down. I just couldn't stop crying about you. I've only known you about a month, but damn did you make an impact.

I already said this once, but I still miss you. Despite me trying to let you go, you manage to crawl back into my mind. I try to fit you into a box , away from my thoughts, but you escape through the crevices & cracks.

To hear the news of you & another girl  breaks my heart. I've heard about a million other girls that you liked & then dropped, and maybe all I was to you was a number to add to the list. After all, you dropped me & then her. Who knows for sure now ? I know that you would never be mine in the first place. I'm too silly, too childish, fantasies, I suppose.

I`m a dreamer chasing a dream. I wish you`d understand. I'd wish you would see that I am was here, waiting for you in open arms. I'd wish you see that I wished for you on every 11:11 I saw. Then again, I wish for a lot of things that would never come true.

-Oh look, Never Ever by Ciara just decided to play. Oh the irony.

Love. So yeah, goodbye my dreams of you.

With this letter, I send with all my heart.

Good luck with its travel & safe depart.

- yourstruly <3

  Dear N.,

Our story began one October's day, a few years ago. A lot has happened since then, we've both changed. I don't know when this happened. When you started to have this hold over me.

Everything you say, I want to hear. Everywhere you go, I want to be. Anything that's on your mind, I want to know. No matter what you do, there's something about you that makes me want to be your best friend. I know that if you let me in, I could be the best friend ever. I tell myself that I just want to go back to the way things used to be, when we were closer friends but I can't help feeling that there's something more. Love. Am I in love with you? Or am I just in love with the idea of you? Maybe it's actually just the friendship thing. I don't know anymore. All I know is I've never experienced something like this with anyone else and it's killing me inside.

I need to be your friend. I know you would understand everything that's going on in my life right now. If I told you about these feelings, I just know you would be able to help me figure out what the hell is happening. I wish you would let me in. Friendship is all I want. Is all I need. You are completely and utterly oblivious to the fact that you have such a devastating effect on me. When you're near, I'm rendered speechless. I suddenly become self-conscious and my heart races. It's not love, I tell myself. I just need that friendly affection and attention you give to B. It would complete my life.

I could be the most understanding person. I'm just waiting until the moment you realize how amazing our friendship could be.

Yours forever, and always,
S. 

Dear Tim,

I remember the first time I met you. You were so arrogant, yet, there was just that something about you that made me want you to be my best friend. Then you moved in next door. Honestly, I was so mad when I realized the boy that I watched from across the room was the same one whose father invited me over for barbecue. I couldn't believe it the first time you talked to me. You were such a jerk. All I did was ask if you were my neighbor. I didn't deserve your attitude. The way you looked at me...I was scared. I was angry...I was in love. I tried so hard to hate you. I tried with every ounce of my being yet there was something that pulled me in.

You broke up with her. Bree. My best friend. She knew you were my neighbor. She knew you wouldn't talk to her about the relationship so she talked me into talking to you for her. I didn't want to. It must seem ridiculous now but I wanted nothing more than to tell her she deserved better than you. But you were to tempting. The opportunity to talk to you on a serious non-hate based level-...I couldn't pass it up.

She should have known better. I should have known better. All the stories she told me about how horrible you were, it didn't matter. In my mind, you were perfect. Sexy, funny, sweet, not smarter than me yet not dumb...perfect. I couldn't tell you though.

We became friends. It was just to easy. Bree would tell me to talk only about her to you but...we never talked about her. At first, but once you asked me to talk about anything else, she was no longer a topic. We talked about you...we talked about me but never us. We were friends...that was it, right? But you just never noticed when you looked into my eyes that the sparkle you loved so much was because you were standing beside me.

She was my best friend. You made me lose her.

Do you remembre the day you asked me to the dance? It was just a little dance! A stupid, little dance which ruined my friendship with her. You asked me. You told me you would ask her and you didn't. I loved you, I couldn't say no. You knew I wouldn't refuse. But the very second Bree found out, I wished that I had. She cried, told me she hated me. Asked how I could do that to her. I didn't understand. I didn't do anything. You said we were going as friends. You said she would understand...

YOU LIED!

She was my BEST FRIEND!

You were just a guy. That's what I told her. That's what I told myself when she said that the only way she and I could be friends was if I told you I didn't want to go to the dance with you. I couldn't tell you why. You wouldn't understand. I did it. I told you I didn't like you in that way and that we should just go with other people. It broke my heart to see you so distraught, but I did it because I didn't want to lose Bree.

I went with Kyle. Remember him? He was nothing like you in any way and that's what made me go with him. He had always been a friend but, maybe, he could have been something more. And for that one night, he was. But the very next day, it was you and me all over again. You wouldn't let me go and I couldn't let you go. Bree slowly began to stop talking to me because you prefered not talking to her.

Time passed and I tried not to be with you. I figured if I dated everyone else, I would find someone who would make me forget about you. It didn't work. Then I asked you to go with me to the concert. It was my favorite band and you hated them but you went because I begged...we went together, but just as friends right? When we got there, we saw your old girlfriend, Amy. I didn't even know her yet, I could tell that she had been in love with you once. The way she smiled at you was enough to tell me. Do you think she loved you like I did? Like I do?

The same night, you got me an autograph from the best lead singer in the world and I told you that you were perfect. I was so happy. I didn't think about what I was saying. I just blurted it out because I was excited. You looked at me, your eyes were completely serious. The words I had just said were ringing in my ears. What was I thinking?

"You say that I'm the perfect friend...well...would you let me show you that I can be the perfect boyfriend?"

I couldn't believe it. Those words escaped from your lips so seriously. So calmly. But YOU were nervous! Your palms were sweaty, the corners of your mouth quivering...how could I say no?

"You have no idea how long I have waited to hear you ask me that Tim but my dad wouldn't let me..."

How could I say that? The words flowed thick like syrup. The next night we were together again. Under the bleachers at a football game. You held my hands in yours. It felt so right when we were alone. And when Jessica got flirty-...I didn't mean to get so jealous. But  I was. I was possessive and I wanted you all to myself. And that night, it was official as we kissed goodbye as the rain began to drizzle lightly from  the sky.

But you wouldn't let it last. Always with your selfish concerns. You broke up with me. Why? I didn't care but you told me anyway. You said you loved me. You said that  was to important. You said that you were a screwup and you couldn't stand to ruin something as special as we had.

I HATE YOU.

No I don't. I wish I did but i just don't. You finally let me move on, let me find someone to fall for almost as hard and then you came back. You said that you couldn't take being without me anymore and then we were together at that moment. But you made me cheat. You knew I couldn't say no to you so you took advantage of it. I loved him...not as much as I love you but I did love him and you couldn't stand to see me happy.  Again and again it happened. Each guy you took me from, then left me again. You always made me look like the bad guy for cheating. But guess what? NO MORE! You told me more than I needed to know the other night.

You were high.

Too high for your own good when you told me all about the girl you had been dating for the last nine months. For the last nine months of you and me hooking up, you had another girl on the side. YOU CHEATED. Does she know? Well? Does she know that every word you said to her was the same as the ones you were telling me when you got off the phone at night? Does she know that when you accidentally called her by my name, it was because I was lying next to you? Does she know that you love me the SAME WAY you love her??

Does she know about the things you have put me through?

You use people. It's what you do. You take them when they are at their weakest point and just use them and use them until they are nothing anymore. You weren't there for me when I lost Bree. You weren't there for me when my grandfather died. You weren't there for me when I realized that I hated everything about myself...but I was always there for you each and every time you wanted some company to lie beside at night. Someone to love when it was convenient for you. I can't believe that I love you still.

I do. I love you more than life.

You have left me numb. I can't feel it when you hurt me anymore because I know that you can't help yourself. If you love her then you love her but I know you don't. You just don't want to deal with the thoguth that you still love me because each time you try, you realized that what we had will never be the same. You ruined a good thing. I still love you. I bet Terri loves you too. Would she still love you if she knew about me? Would she still love you if she knew about all the pain you have put me through? Would she still love you if she was in my position?

No...probably not...

Love Always and Forever,
Elisha


I need help. I love him. His name is Tim and he has hurt me so much that I can't even stand to see him. I hate myself because he doesn't want to be with me. He keeps wanting to hook up, knowing it hurts me. Yet I always let him. What should I do? I need to figure out whether or not I should still stay with him. I love him but he hurts me so much.  Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance...

i love her, but i think she still loathes what i used to be (and probably still am)

i used her.
iusedheriusedheriusedher.
i'm so sorry.

now i realize what a mistake it was, and how i took her for granted.
no one there was worth it. i tried so hard to get acceptance from strangers, but never tried to keep hers.

well today was another day without you i woke up crying..it was terrible I dont get much sleep as it is and when i close my eyes their you are holding onto me like you used to when i had horrid nightmares now were milions of miles apart, i think your seeing someone now, i guess you moved on with every reason to i apologise for everything i did and im sorry i hurt you so much

  I wish it got easier 2 months and im still here...sulking and the worst part is knowing every bit of this pain is my fault, what i would give to have you back here with me it would mean the world to see you and just truly apologise for ever wrongdoing.

Somehow, every day I am reminded of you in some little way, and I wonder where you are, and how you are doing at that very moment. Images of you- of us- linger, and I'm trapped in nostalgic daydreams of the wonderful and not-so wonderful times we had. But somehow, the not-so wonderful times are preferable to the times I have without you now. I love you so much.

You text me sometimes, at random, to tell me about little accomplishments or funny things that have happened to you. Do you want to reach out to me, bring me back? I won't come back unless you ask me to, and you have nothing to lose by asking, because I'd never deny a request from you.

How did we manage to screw this up so bad? Love should be simpler than this, but we added our complications to the mix, and when we got cooking, it all blew up in our faces. Can this disaster be mended, or will I forever be wondering what might have been?

Please tell me, because even though I've flown away to escape the limbo, there is no escape without help from you.