something funny

"I am not funny. What I am is brave."--Lucille Ball

"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?"--Dick Clark

"You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that."--Jay Leno

And my personal favorite....

"Well thank you very much and no. In fact, I set my alarm for 4 o'clock in the morning to say something sarcastic and then go back to sleep."-- Matthew Perry (responding to a comment about his seemingly neverending sarcasm)

Okay...I think that's a good one to end on. How do you top that? Hey, I got $20 saying that was sarcastic. LOL

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

Kinda dirty...so I'll use a cut:

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Hello, Three Running Horses Pizza.

Hi, I'd like to order a large buffaroni pie. Delivery.

What's your address?

Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Trickles into the Giant Lake.

Is that Sky-Tinted Water Lake or Shimmering-Like-Moonlight Lake?

Honestly I don't know.

Is it sky-tinted or does it shimmer like moonlight?

Both, really, depending on the time of day.

Does your running stream narrow near the entrance to the giant lake?

I think so.

Is there a large falen maple tree near the Spring That Sighs?

I think so.

Large beaver dam near the Stream by the Field Where Garlic Grows Wild?

Bingo.

That sounds like Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Narrows before it Trickles into the Giant Lake

Great.

Well the Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Narrows before it Trickles into the Giant Lake is beyond our delivery area.

But I thought you delivered as far as the Village of the Large Canoes?

Are you talking about the Village of the Large Canoes by the Tall Marsh Reeds or the Village of the Large Canoes which Sits under the Hill of the Great Spirit.

Mmm... Great Spirit.

No, we don't deliver there. Our delivery guys avoid going through Valley Where The Axe Throwers Live ever since Barry Slow Horse was killed by an axe.

Aww, man.

They'd have to cut through Village by the Forest which Whispers Gently which takes way too long.

But we're below the Side of the Hill of the Great Spirit which Abuts the Gathering of Water Wherein the Salmon Do Convene. We are not really that close to the Village of the Large Canoes which Sits under the Hill of the Great Spirit.

Uh, ok. Let me ask my manager.

Ok.

Yeah, he says you need to call the Three Running Horses Pizza that's closer to the Mountains that Hold Up the Sky. They deliver from Rock that Talks to Tumbling Waters Near the Crying Wolf.

Crap. I've been on the phone for 15 minutes.

Sorry.

I'm just going to have jerky.

found here: http://www.banterist.com/archivefi…

Strange things guys do in the bathroom

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2004

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

INSANE SUPERBOWL RIOT PICS

and yes, i actually know both of those guys....

write your name in the snow
http://pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/sno…

The Taming of the Bottlenose Dolphin

by Jim Curtis

Few animals have been bestowed by humans with as many
'faces' as bottlenose dolphins. As mystical healers we
pray to them, as smiling entertainers we applaud them,
and as new age ambassadors we worship them. The one
thing we seem to do very little of is to accept them
for what they really are - wild animals. So when
scientific studies emerge of bottlenose dolphins
behaving in a way that we are not instantly accustomed
to, we tend to respond with shock and disbelief. But
such responses are symbolic of how naive and
idealistic we have become towards one of the most
popular species within the animal kingdom.

Most articles on bottlenose dolphins mention the
following pieces of standard information:

* they are warm-blooded, air breathing marine
mammals that inhabit temperate and tropical waters;
* they belong to the order Cetacea, the suborder
Odontoceti, the family Delphinidae and have the
species name Tursiops truncatus;
* their sleek, streamlined and powerful bodies
allow them to reach speeds of up to 35 km/h;
* they can grow to a size of approximately four
metres and a weight of 650 kilograms;
* they are cooperative hunters that feed on a
variety of fish, squid and crustaceans;
* females have a gestation period of about 12
months and are capable of having a calf every two to
three years;
* they use a process called 'echolocation' to
assist with navigation and hunting;
* they travel in social units called 'pods'; and
* they have an average life span of about 25
years.

But descriptions of bottlenose dolphins are rarely
confined to such pure scientific data. Subjective
notions of healers, saviours, telepathic communicators
and other miraculous and mystical identities are also
regularly written about bottlenose dolphins. Instead
of being supported by empirical evidence, these
portrayals are often based more on legends, emotions
and biased personal accounts. However, despite their
questionable foundations, they have helped create a
modern day image of bottlenose dolphins that has
detracted from their simple and foremost existence as
wild animals.

This fact has rarely been more obvious to me than
during the time I worked for a tourism operation in
Australia that specialised in providing people with
the opportunity to observe and swim with wild
bottlenose dolphins in their own natural environment.
To ensure the dolphins' protection, the trips were
conducted under a very precise set of government
regulations. These regulations included conditions
such as no feeding or touching of the animals, strict
limits on approach distances and passenger numbers,
and that no dolphin swim could commence if a young
calf is present. But despite the existence of such
regulations, and our promotional material clearly
stating 'Swimming with wild bottlenose dolphins in
their own natural environment', I was amazed by some
of the inquiries we would receive from the public. For
example, people would ask how many dolphins would each
swimmer get to 'play' with in the water, and whether
they could 'ride' on the dolphins' backs just like
they had seen at a marine theme park. Another person
who had made a booking with our operation was very
disappointed when he arrived at our boat and
discovered that swimming with wild dolphins did not
involve an enclosed swimming pool. Such attitudes made
me realise how rare the idea of a wild bottlenose
dolphin has become within today's society.

Further evidence of the public's distorted view of
bottlenose dolphins emerged in 1999 with newspaper
articles entitled 'Dolphins Behaving Badly' and 'Jack
the Flipper' (as opposed to the notorious killer,
'Jack the Ripper'). These articles referred to the
findings of scientific studies carried out in both
America and Scotland that provided the first ever
evidence of infanticide within a cetacean species. The
origins of these findings began with the realisation
that bottlenose dolphins were killing other marine
mammals such as porpoises. Through a combination of
physical and observational evidence, researchers
discovered that bottlenose dolphins were responsible
for approximately 60% of harbour porpoise deaths in an
area along the north-east coast of Scotland. Dolphins
would chase the porpoises and ram their bodies with
such force that they would be thrown into the air.
This would cause a massive twisting injury within the
porpoise's body, ripping blubber and muscle from its
bones. Once the porpoise was dead, the dolphins would
immediately lose interest and swim away.

Post-mortems on the carcasses revealed the true extent
and ferocity of these attacks. Broken ribs, torn
tissue, bruised organs, punctured lungs and smashed
skulls and vertebrae were often the results of the
dolphins' brutal and fatal beatings. The motivation
for these attacks remains an unanswered question.
Theories related to food competition, sexual
frustration, simple aggression, rough play and
dolphins defending their young have all been
proposed.

-----------------------------------------------------
Unlike most wild animals that kill for food, the
dolphins did not eat the victims of their attacks, and
so their murderous urges were unrelated to the need
for food.
-----------------------------------------------------

When similar injuries were discovered in the dead
bodies of baby bottlenose dolphins, researchers
suspected that adult dolphins were the culprits. Their
suspicions proved to be correct, with many of the
young dolphins suffering the same violent fate as
their cetacean cousins. Once again, numerous theories
have been proposed concerning the deaths. One of the
most popular is that competing adult males may be
killing the offspring of their rivals so that the dead
dolphin's mother will be receptive to mating.
Researchers believe that females remain sexually
inactive for years when raising their young, but
become active again soon after their loss. This
murderous behaviour is not an uncommon feature within
the animal kingdom. Large terrestrial carnivores, such
as bears and lions, have been known to perform similar
acts of infanticide to help start up their own
dynasties to compete with their rivals. However, such
behaviour had never been witnessed in a cetacean
species until now, and very few people would have
guessed that bottlenose dolphins would be the first
one to illustrate how evolutionary pressures in the
marine world can be quite similar to those in the
terrestrial world.

Despite the disturbing and surprising nature of these
scientific studies, it is unlikely that they will harm
the benign and popular appeal of bottlenose dolphins.
Although this appeal has been useful in generating
support for their protection, it has also contributed
to creating an image of bottlenose dolphins that
extends far beyond than just being a wild animal. It
is an image that has taken them out of the context of
their wild domain and assimilated them into a more
human one. They have been given roles as healers,
entertainers and gods for the benefit of an adoring
and needy public. But bottlenose dolphins have an
existence that is independent of human desires and
expectations, and so these studies are probably a
timely reminder that they are naturally wild animals
and not domesticated pets.

The intelligent, playful and caring qualities inherent
to many aspects of bottlenose dolphin behaviour can at
times resemble human behaviour at its best. This fact
has undoubtedly contributed to their considerable
universal appeal.

-----------------------------------------------------
But we now know that the behaviour of bottlenose
dolphins can also resemble humans at their worse.
-----------------------------------------------------

The one animal that we believed would always be
totally 'innocent', and trusted with our idealistic
virtues of peace and well-being, has now shown us that
it is just as capable of disturbing behaviour as
humans. Bottlenose dolphins have therefore been
bestowed with yet another 'face', but it is one that
we never expected to have in common with them.

..okay im a new person here, blah blah blah all that spiffy stuff, my name is Tiffany, AKA, Jimmy (i dont know why people call me jimmy, so dont ask haha) im a pretty funny kid i here, but uhhh it takes a while before i get in the "groove" ....er not...umm yeah i have this funny story...Ahem, *awkward silence*...so i was talking to my friend cristina and this really hot guys were walking by, so i said "you know you do broad movements and talk louder when there are attractive people around" and while im saying this im movoing around so the hot guys see me, well they dont so i say "and they dont even notcie you, but the moment you shut up, they do" so then they start walking around and start air squeezing there butts behind there backs and she says "look they will look now" and right when she said that, they turned around and i was in mid airbutt squeazing action, how humiliating right? but it was funny, cause they still laugh when i walk by, ahem THE END, happy birthday to all