i have been thinking a lot lately. which, though not unusual for me, has put in me a rather depressed state. hell, being depressed is not even too unusual for me. but so many points that i bring up to no one other than myself really make me wonder.
are there people that truly know who i am?
i would like to think so.
but the more i think about it, the more i realize that i project only a certain characteristic of myself around certain people. if you were to ask one person who i am, they might reply with shy and conservative, while another would talk about how i may get deep and pensive, while yet another may remark about my playfulness and silliness. i guess if you asked everyone that i know, their collective answer could sum up who i am.
but none of them know all of my aspects. sadly, i think the people i claim as my best friends cannot even claim this, thought they know me better than most, and sometimes even myself.
will i ever find someone that can really know me?
i have made attempts, but i am thus far unsuccessful. and i guess that is not unusual. i am only 20 years old. few people have found someone that truly understands them this young. i guess i am just impatient.
i have also realized that i have succumbed to conformity in more ways than i have ever accepted. i have never really been a blatant deviant. i have had my phases, fit myself as the outcast type during high school, and found it quite comfortable, despite the occasional stares and unwanted attention. once i realized that i would lose that attention by losing the wide leg jeans and heavy makeup, i acted on it. i am not one that likes to be in the spotlight.
but then, i realized that this conformity goes beyond just fitting into social norms and fashion. it has seeped into the very core of who i am. i am typical. i am a slightly maladjusted youth, trying to make her way through college so that i may achieve an acceptable lifestyle afterwards, make some money, work to live, and live to work. the idea of a steady job, a husband, two kids, a cat, and a two car garage sounds tremendous. that may be because of the current unsteadiness of my life and my moods, but it is nonetheless appealing.
i have found that, despite all previous arguments against large universities and my primary choice of AIC as my college based largely on the small student population, it is in my nature to love getting lost in a crowd. (despite the fact that i hate actually being in a crowd.) when i can walk 20 minutes across campus from my class to my car, and not recognize a single face, not have to fake a smile to meet anyone's expectations, and not remove my headphones to strike up a redundantly polite "hi how are you" conversation with someone that i don't think of until i see, i find myself unaffected.
i want to be a great person. i want to get great marks in school. i want to make a difference in the world. but i don't want people to notice while i am doing it. maybe i just can't handle the pressure.
i took some time to analyze my own recurring thoughts as i walked around campus today. i wondered who around me, in that large mass of people i don't know and will not take the time to try to acquaint myself with, was having similar thoughts. was the guy walking slowly in front of me questioning his entire existence, too? did that girl in the crowd of fake tans and bleached blond hair look like she was eager to get passed all of this and move on to the next phase in her life, or was that just me? is that kid sitting alone thinking of how the world would keep turning, even if he was not there? i want to find these other people to branch out. to have someone willing enough to listen when i finally want to make myself heard. but it is trial and error when it comes to this, and there have been too many errors for me to keep gathering the energy to try again.
that is when i realized that i continue to think of this as a phase in my life. a "depressed phase," only here until i find something better, an endless amount of procrastination and hesitation because i think it will pass. being in college is supposed to prepare you for life. but is this not life that i am living? as pablo neruda said, "life is more than the simple act of breathing." perhaps i should stop taking advantage of my health, my abilities, and my time, and find something to do with myself. but i digress.
i am too caught up with my own unimportance to see past it. i am self absorbed, narrow minded, and completely out of control. i have self destructive tendencies, suicidal thoughts, and enough people that i care about to keep me from making a choice that i will later regret. but what am i supposed to do with myself? i am beginning to lose faith. i have forgotten what i stand for. i don't even know if i stand for the same things i used to. nothing has ever been black and white for me, but now, it is not even grey. i am not sure if i have lost or gained a dimension of thinking. and i know that i have been in this place, or one just like it, before. but i don't remember how i found my way out of it. each day is painstakingly long, and yet i never have enough time to do what i need. i have found myself at an utter standstill. my existence is becoming stagnant and rotten. but i have lost my ability to see why it is that i should care.
my name is maureen, and i am indifferent.
pensive
happy
accomplished