Title: The Tadfield Satanic Nones.
Author: lannamichaels
Fandom: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Rating: G
Archives: Archive Of Our Own, SquidgeWorld

Summary: Apart from the name, Warlock Dowling was an unlikely rock star.



1.

Apart from the name, Warlock Dowling was an unlikely rock star.



2.

The Tadfield Satanic Nones came together on a bulletin board in the summer of 1999. For about a day, they were the Tadfield Three Three Three, but they decided that name was too long. Warlock was wasting time at Dartmouth, Greasy was at some unremarkable college somewhere in the American midwest, and Adam existed in a nebulous uncertainty that was also sometimes known as RADA. They sent mp3s back and forth to each other and didn't meet until a year later.

They put their music on Napster three days before it went down forever.

Ten years later, Warlock was a lawyer, Greasy coached a high school football team, and Adam still existed in a nebulous uncertainty, albeit one that seemed to change every time the other ones checked. They'd still only met thirteen times. They'd put out five albums. Greasy was pretty sure they didn't have any fans, but someone kept buying their albums.

It was hard to be niche when really, you were just obscure. Rolling Stone called them the best death metal band that had never played a single tour date, but Warlock didn't know how much competition they had for that. It seemed the same as being the worst death metal band that had never played a single tour date.

Warlock suggested they go on tour, but they never could make the dates work. Greasy had a husband and kids. Warlock had a job that made him travel twice a week. Adam was... Adam.

Anyway, they remained the best death metal band that never went on tour. At least they had that.



3.

Technically speaking, they'd had a MySpace page. It had been Adam's job to maintain it, since Warlock was in law school and Greasy was busy, okay. Adam's idea of maintaining a MySpace involved a lot of forgetting they had a MySpace.

Nevertheless, every so often, someone would e-mail them and say they found them on MySpace. None of them knew how.



4.

Adam's parents didn't know about the band. Greasy's parents didn't care about the band. Warlock's parents pretended the band didn't exist.

Warlock's father's big objection had always been the Satanic part. He used to leave a lot of I Am Too Important For My Son To Be Doing This messages on Warlock's answering machine until they started quoting him in their lyrics and then he stopped.

The only thing worse than your son being in an indie death metal band was having people know that you knew your son was in an indie death metal band.



5.

They did really well on YouTube for some reason. Adam was proud of that. The Them had made all their music videos, which had lived on the Tadfield Satanic Nones's website as low-quality, easily-downloaded .avis for years without anyone noticing them. They had a whole new audience on streaming platforms now.

They made the front page of Wikipedia in its "did you know" section, which pointed out that all the members of the band were born in the same hospital on the same day.

"It beats being known for being the best band that never tried to tour," Greasy said to his husband, Dave. "We're taking the win."

"Yes, dear," Dave said, rolling his eyes and also rolling out dough for cookies for the kids. Dave had made a hate blog for the band once when he and Greasy were having a fight. It was still the top-ranked google result for the band, even though he hadn't updated the blog since 2005.

Dave was thanked in the linear notes for their sixth album for providing SEO support. Rolling Stone called the album "appropriately chaotic and unexpectedly melodic".

They considered playing a live date in Tadfield for their twenty-fifth anniversary, but couldn't make the timing work.