Title: Baby Kent Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo.
Author: lannamichaels
Fandom: Ted Lasso
Pairings: Roy Kent/Keeley Jones, Roy Kent/Keeley Jones/Jamie Tartt
Rating: G
A/N: I wrote 99% of this before S3, which I still have not watched. This has languished in my "started in 2021" scrivener folder since then, in lack of an ending. So here it is, with an ending. The title is, with my apologies, from Baby Shark.
Archives: Archive Of Our Own, SquidgeWorld

Summary: No matter how much you plan, they always warn you, you don't know what retirement is going to be like. Roy didn't expect to get knocked up.



1.

"You're gonna be a great dad," Keeley assures him over and over again. They're staring at the ultrasound. "No, really. Just the best dad. Look at you and Phoebe! You're already on your way."

All Roy can think is: fuck.

Keeley squeezes his hand and Roy remembers all the times people have told, for fuck's sake, stop swearing around kids, Roy!

"Great," he grits out instead



2.

No matter how much you plan, they always warn you, you don't know what retirement is going to be like. You don't know what your finances are going to look like, so talk to this financial manager. You don't know what's going to happen with your endorsements, so keep talking to your agent. Do not drop off the grid and go base jumping in a different country when your lawyer needs you to sign paperwork.

Retirement is coming and you are not prepared.

Retirement was coming and Roy was not prepared.

And so when Keeley and Jamie had proposed a threesome and Roy had decided to put the hate in hatefucking and really wallow in how retirement made him feel-- well, he'd done it, and now he had an ultrasound and sixteen pregnancy books to show for it.

Fuck.



3.

Roy's sister Stella takes one look at his face, takes another look at Keeley's face, checks behind her to make sure Phoebe is too busy in the other room to be paying attention, and says, "Roy, just to be clear, if we're not happy about this--"

"Who says we're not happy?" Roy asks.

"Your face, babe. That says we're not happy about this." Keeley shoots a smile at Stella. "We're very happy about it."

"A baby isn't a retirement project," Stella says. "A baby is a lifetime commitment."

"I know that," Roy says. "Do you still have any of Phoebe's baby gear in storage?"

"No, I gave it all away," Stella says.

"Right," Roy says. "We need your help in making a list. Keeley just keeps playing Papa Don't Preach on her phone."

"It's a good song," Keeley says to Stella.

Stella nods. "It is a good song. And I did always know Roy wasn't Like A Virgin." She hesitates. "Should I ask about--"

"Jamie fucking Tartt," Roy says. "No, don't ask about it."



4.

Keeley insists they tell Jamie before the baby arrives. Roy insists they get their lawyers involved before they tell Jamie.

"He's not going to want custody," Keeley says.

"Yeah? I don't want him getting custody," Roy says.

Sure enough, Jamie doesn't say anything about wanting custody or visitation. He doesn't say much of anything, really. Then he starts texting.

Texting a lot.

"Can't you just block him?" Roy asks.

"Jamie's processing it in his way," Keeley says, but she does mute Jamie's texts when they get to be too much.

"It wouldn't be a bad idea to get Jamie's family medical history," Stella says one Sunday afternoon. Roy is still dressed in the tiara from being the rescued princess, and Phoebe is making dragon noises in the corner where Keeley is rebraiding her hair. "You never know when that could come in handy."

"I know Jamie's medical history," Roy says. "He's an incurable prick."

"Just trust me on this," Stella says. "Get it now, or deal with questions from every doctor and all their pity and judgmental looks when you say you don't know and aren't in contact."

The best thing Stella's ex had ever done was leave her. He had left her with nothing, but he'd left her, and Roy had everything anyway, so that was fine until Stella got settled again.

"Okay, fine," Roy says. "I'll talk to Jamie fucking Tartt."



5.

"My family's what?" Jamie fucking Tartt says.

"Medical history," Roy says patiently. "Anyone got cancer?"

"How should I know?" Jamie asks.

"They'd ask you for money if they did," Roy says.

"That's not what they ask me for money for," Jamie says. "Look, my grandpa died of something, I can ask my mum. My dad's side, I'm not going to get you anything on that. He'll ask why I want to know and I'm not telling him he's got a grandkid coming, you know?"

Roy would ask why not, but he doesn't want anyone on Jamie's side thinking they got a claim on this kid, because they don't. "Tell him you want it for yourself," he says. "Tell them the team doctor needs it now for insurance reasons."

Jamie looks conflicted. "Do they need it for insurance reasons?" he asks.

"Yeah, the team's got insurance policies on all of us," Roy says. "Tell him the new policy wants a full family history workup."

"He won't tell me anything," Jamie says confidently. "Not if he thinks it'll get me benched for being too expensive."

Roy growls. "Tell him whatever you want. But the pediatrician wants this, so you're going to give it to me, do you understand?"

Jamie looks a little spooked. "Okay, okay, all right, I'll get it for you. Fuck. You don't have to make it such a big deal."



6.

The problem with an accidental pregnancy, Roy discovers, is that it was an accident. He and Keeley had never had the kids talk. They'd barely had the long-term-relationship talk. Roy always hated having to talk about five year plans; so much of it was out of his hands and the answer was always "football, as long as I'm healthy enough to play". He's not healthy enough to play, so now his long term plan is "baby".

"I like the name Harriet for your gran," Keeley says, in between days of them quietly fighting about where they're going to live.

Roy's ready to be a dad but that doesn't mean Keeley's ready to be a mom and they hadn't talked about it ever. Roy understands. He wouldn't have wanted a kid last season or any season in the last ten. The only reason he wants a kid now is that he has time now to have a kid. He's got nothing but time now to have a kid. Keeley doesn't.

Keeley convinces him to give the pundit job a chance. Keeley wants him to maintain a connection to football, contribute in all the ways he still can. Lasso wants Roy to coach. Lasso thinks Roy can control Jamie fucking Tartt, thinks that should be his way to keep contributing to football and to the team.

Roy goes to doctors appointments and Keeley sneaks her hand into his and Roy has a brand new swear jar at home.

And they're still having a cold war.



7.

"It's just, I finally have a career I love," Keeley says. "I worked so hard to get here."

"I know that," Roy says. "I'm not asking you to quit and stay home with the baby. I'm going to be doing that."

"Right, right." Keeley wipes away tears. "It still feels so hard, Roy."

"I'm not asking you to do anything you don't want to do," Roy says. It's not like he's asking her to marry him. It's not like she's asking him to marry her.

"I'm scared I'm going to see this baby and resent her forever," Keeley says. "I'm scared I'm going to see this baby and love her so much I can't stand to leave her every day. I travel all the time, Roy! I'm going to leave her for days and days sometimes."

"And she'll have me, and she'll have Stella and Phoebe and all the WAGs," Roy says. "And she'll have you, too, if you want her to have you."

"I do," Keeley says. "I do. But. If I had a time machine, babe, I'd've stuck sixteen extra condoms on Jamie."

Roy huffs a laugh. "Yeah. Well. I'm not too happy about it being Jamie, either."



8.

Jamie had done enough processing over text that he's now doing processing via forwarded links to baby stores and emoji-laden questions about if they need this or that or something else.

Roy grinds his teeth and says yes to every one in ten, because Lasso's said enough to him about teambuilding that he knows he should give the little prick something. This baby's going to need lots of people on her team in her life. As her father, Roy's got a responsibility.

Even though he fucking hates it.

One of them's gotta be the adult and it's not going to be the infant who knocked him up



9.

Money is such a fucking awful thing to talk about. Roy's done enough of it with Stella over the years; his first contract paid for her to go to med school, his last contract paid for Phoebe's tuition. He's happy to be the first to open his checkbook for his family.

Roy's still got endorsements and he doesn't want to know how much money Keeley has. He can't help but know how much money Jamie has coming in now.

The baby's getting a trust fund and they're going to stop talking about money now, or Roy's going to need a swear jar in every room in the house.



10.

Roy's yoga group throws him a baby shower a month after the baby is born because, they tell him sensibly, that's when you really know what you want for the baby.

Roy's too rich to need a baby shower, either before or after childbirth, but they pass Chloe around and what more do you need?

Well, ideally, three more years of playing, but he's not getting that, so having a baby is good enough.