-Måneskin - I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE (Official Video)


I cannot.

Like, when this video started, I was all, "oh this is fine", in a real way, not in a This Is Fine way, you know? It was all fine.

Anyway, what I guess I mean is, this video builds. And it's... it's a lot.

So... uh, here's some notable timestamps.

0:38: We're still fine. Damiano's in the black lacy bra, panties, thigh-high stockings, and high heels, with his arms crossed in front of his chest and then showing off his biceps. Victoria squeezes one of them. "I wanna be your champion."

0:54: Ethan is on his hands and knees. Victoria, wearing a pink dress, white socks, and black high heels, presses the sole of her shoe against Ethan's forehead like she's going to kick him in the face.

1:12: I cannot figure out what the fuck is going on here and I have tried. Thomas is shirtless and wearing a collar and reacting backward like he just got hit in the face?

1:16: Thomas grabs and squeezes Damiano's ass. Both of them are wearing white briefs and nothing else. I did not expect that. We are less fine.

1:30: Thomas hooks a finger underneath Damiano's pearl necklace and tugs him forward. (There's no faces but I know this is Thomas because this was one of the Softcore Porn That Got Pulled From Instagram The First Time They Posted It images and it was person-tagged as being Thomas)

1:36: Ethan is drumming while wearing nothing but black briefs.

1:55: Damiano and Ethan kiss and then expand pink chewing gum between their mouths. WE ARE NO LONGER FINE.

2:01: The "Victoria spits on Ethan while they both wear collars" clip from the promo. It's the "you could be the beauty" line.

2:03: Shirtless Damiano winks at the camera to let us know that the porn is about to start. From here until the unwinking, we have two scenes going on side-by-side on the screen, like you're watching it through a peep-hole, seeing no one above the shoulder or below the thigh.

2:04: Victoria scrapes her fingernails across Ethan's chest.

2:05: Thomas pulls on Damiano's nipple ring. Meanwhile, in the other shot, Damiano, facing the camera, slides his underwear down until you see his pubes.

2:06: Thomas scrapes his nails up Damiano's back. In the other shot, Damiano slides his hand under the side of Thomas's underwear.

2:07: Victoria (wearing white panties and a white bra) spanks Ethan (wearing just white briefs). In the other shot... I really don't know. The front of someone's nether regions is pressing up against someone else's ass. From the cut of the underwear, the presser... might? be Victoria? It looks more like boyshorts than tighty-whities. Her sex scenes in this have been with Ethan, so she's probably grinding on Ethan in this? I don't know, I can't tell any difference between this and actualfax pornography.

2:07: Damiano unwinks.

2:08: Shirtless Thomas with his hands tied together with rope.

2:18: Just in case we couldn't tell the line was "and if you want to use me, I could be your puppet", we get the back of a leather jacket, with the word "PUPPET" written on it in studs, and then the shot changes and we see Damiano is wearing it and what seems like nothing else. Yes, Damiano, we get the message.

2:19: Damiano is wearing a short sleeve lacey black shirt with white crochet collar (maybe very mini dress) that hits just below his underwear. He waves at the screen from the background.

2:21: Damiano lifts that shirt/dress up to chest level to show off his white briefs.

2:22: Damiano, wearing clothing (I am constantly reminded of that Eurovision interview that goes: Interviewer: "Damiano, I didn't recognize you because you're wearing clothes!" Everyone laughs. Victoria: "That's typical". Ethan & Thomas: "Yeah".) is on the ground, his knees, face, and hands against the ground, his ass in the air.

2:23: Thomas gets to join in the censored-nipple action, this time with black star stickers over his nipples. Oh, and he's got on a collar, some kind of... kinky gear I don't even know what it is over his stomach with straps (looks maybe like a girdle? posture-related if it were on the other way around?), buckles, and a chain, and black gloves that go half-way up his biceps. He is also wearing trousers.

2:28: Damiano pounds on Ethan's chest.

2:33: I think Ethan is crawling backwards on the ground, wearing just black briefs.

2:36: Thomas may be suspended upside down, looking like some kind of bondage (hands tied out of frame?). However, since his hair isn't flopping, he might not be suspended and it's just an upside-down shot of the rope bondage from earlier, since the general tone of this part of the video is rewinding.

2:38: The Damiano/Ethan chewing gum kiss comes back to where it started.

2:39: Damiano is on his hands and forearms on the floor, Ethan is straddling him and tugging on his hair.

2:41: Ethan... sucks a metal necklace up into his mouth by the chain? I do not recognize the pendant except that I think I'm supposed to. With this band, my general rule is "when in doubt, it's something Catholic".

2:48: "I wanna be your slave, I wanna be your master." Damiano, facing Thomas, holds Thomas by the hair and whispers into his ear, looking at him for the first part the line, and staring at the camera for the last part, to end the song and the video.

That was a lot. But with all the promo, I'd just imagined them having a band meeting, throwing out kink ideas onto a white board and then deciding to go with all of them, so it being a lot is fully expected. (How many different collars is Thomas wearing? Is it two different black ones in addition to the red one?)

There's things to say about the peephole camera thing they use a lot, and them banging on the transparent floor, and, idk, trying to interact with the viewer/being aware of being observed, looking back out of the peephole at the viewer, the "bad film" or "film damage" effects like cigarette burns or various distortion things/light effects/whatever they're called, and how that works in with the whole porn thing, but I can't think of anything about that.

I will say they fully wasted all the meta potential of the '"because, baby, I'm your David", sung by Damiano David' line.

And this ends the "what the fuck was that" timestamp post :P But I just have to say, watching on 0.33x or 0.12x speed is actually a great way to watch something with so many cuts. It's a shame it's not a great long-term solution to that problem.

Also, I joke, but considering that I identified all three of the dudes in various shots based on their tattoos or lack of them, that actually was extremely important research.