just_being_me08, posts by tag: life notes - LiveJournal

Hmmmmm, I haven't actualy used this thing for anything else than writing up some of my mad fan fics. Is anyone even reading this? Oh well who knows. If you are, I apologise for the randomness.

Ok then, so news. Ahhhh yes, something that I am looking forward to greatly, co-writing a new fanfic with non other than my incredible beta 2nd_toshie!! The truth is that I had the idea to write a seven sins based fic, but couldn't figure out how to do it justice. So who rescues me, my fabulous beta. I'm so glad we're going to be writing together, because it should make ito alot more fun! So what this space, because it will be posted on both our journals and let me tell you now, the plot is amazing. If  abit complex :P

What else? Ahhh yes Life Notes. However hard I try, I can't seem to leave the Life Notes Universe. Although I've finished the series itself, 3 out of the four recent things ive posted have been to do with it! But then again, I do still love writing for this 'Verse! Is this a good thing? Are people genuinely interested in reading a follow on series to Life Notes, something along the lines of  planning a Janto wedding? Am I flogging a dead series here? If you have an opinion please let me know!

Ok I'm going to quit rambling here. If you have read this, sorry its been so random! I will hopefully be getting some more fic posted soon! :D

just being me xxxxxxx

Title: Life Notes – Lacrymosa
Rating: Good for everyone.
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Epilogue to the “Life Notes” series.

Spoilers: None that I can think of.
Summary: Time has passed, and things have changed. But has the paper chase ended yet?

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: Please don’t hate me. A promised, “Homecoming” was pure fluff as an ending to “Life Notes”. This however is the sad ending. I wanted to experiment with an idea that I haven’t read about much, so here it is.  Warning, it may upset you. It upset me writing it! Thank you to everyone who’s read “Life Notes” and especially huge thanks have to go to my wonderful beta and pally 2nd_toshiko. As ever, all comments are adored and life.

 

 

 

“I thought you’d like a coffee Jack.” Karen smiled, placing Jack’s favourite mug down on his desk.

“Thanks.” He replied weakly, barely looking up from his work.

“You look tired.”

“That’s because I am.”

“Well get some sleep then! Or you could always come home with me, I’ll wake you up.” Looking up, Jack watched the beautiful blonde woman in front of him, her face bright and so very young.

“Not tonight Karen.” He shook his head, returning to his work.

“Oh.” Pausing, Karen sat down opposite him, reaching out and putting her hand on his. “What’s wrong Jack?”

“I’m just tired. The 22^nd August is always a rough day for me.”

“Ok.” Karen nodded. “Is there anything you need me to do tonight?”

“I think I just need to be alone.”

“Alright. But cheer up soon eh? That frown doesn’t suit you.” She grinned, before leaving him to it.

 

As he heard the faint rumble of the cog door, Jack let his head rest in his hands, rubbing roughly at his temples. Two years without him, and only the rest of eternity left.

 

Closing his eyes, Jack felt himself remember. He could almost see the church in front of him, the congregation filling every pew, sobbing almost drowning out the vicar’s voice. He remembered feeling choked, suffocated as he held the coffin on his shoulder, carrying more than its weight on his heart. He could feel that same heart hammer at his chest when he had watched the coffin be sucked into the ground, watched as day turned to night in the graveyard. He had slept with the ghosts that night, his bed the earth under which his lover lay.

 

Reaching down into the bottom drawer of his desk, Jack pulled out an old rusty key and unlocked it, pulling out a small see through plastic bag. Opening it gently, he slipped his hand inside and pulled out the soft pile of paper, the edges slightly worn and tattered. Lifting up the first piece, he read the neat, elaborate hand writing as if he’d been reading it for the first time.

 

“Ten Reasons why I love Jack Harkness, although I’m sure he knows them all”

 

Jack felt pain sear through his chest as he continued to read, fresh tears pouring down his cheeks as each word stabbed him in the heart. Ianto flashed before his eyes, his warm smile, his beautiful face, his perfect suits. Closing his eyes, Jack tried to see him, what he would look like if he was stood in front of him right then, what he would say. But his mind wasn’t strong enough, and all he could hear were the dying man’s words.

 

I might not be with you, but I’ll still love you Jack. Don’t let this be the end. Don’t let this destroy you.

 

“Ianto!” Jack screamed, throwing the letters from his desk onto the floor along with a flurry of budgets and admin work. Openly sobbing now, he felt his head collapse onto his desk, his entire body shaking as each sob tore through him. There was nothing anymore, nothing to come back for.

 

His sobs subsiding slightly, Jack picked himself up, sniffing hard. He had so much to say to Ianto and there was only one way that he could think of telling him.

 

 

To my dearest Ianto,

 

                                 I still love you. It’s been two years, and a part of me has been telling myself to move on, to not let this be the end like what you wanted. But, I still love you so much. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. I find myself holding a pillow and wishing that it was you, waking up and screaming your name. But you can’t hear me. And god I wish that you could.

 

We knew that it would happen. It wasn’t your fault, I said that whatever you gave me would be enough, and that all the memories that we shared would help me live without you. But it’s not that simple. Nothing is. Now those memories burn in my heart, they remind me everyday of what I’ve lost, of what I’ll never get back. All I want is to hear you one last time, to hear you tell me that it’ll be ok, that I’ll get through this. Everyone else tells me that it’ll get better, but I don’t believe them. I just want you, the one thing I can never have. Not anymore.

 

There’s nothing now. I keep telling myself that I need to go on, to keep Torchwood going and protect the world. But the truth is, there’s nothing for me in this world to protect now. And that scares me Ianto. If I can’t protect people then what do I do with my existence? What is there left for me to live for? I’m terrified Ianto, I want to make a difference, to save lives like Torchwood always has done. What if I can’t do that anymore? What if I fail the people I’m entrusted to protect? How could I live with myself then?

 

I know that it would break you’re heart to see me like this. It breaks my heart just to see what I’ve become. I always worried about what I would turn into when the loss was too much, and I think that this is it. For two years I’ve been a different man, unable to move on, unable to forget. There’s retcon, but I can’t bring myself to destroy what is left of you.

 

I don’t want you to be disappointed in me though Ianto. I have tried to move on, to find comfort in others. There’s this girl, Karen, you’d like her. She’s very polite and smart just like you, except her coffee isn’t as good. I’m not in love with her, but she’s someone, something to cling to. I wish I could stop myself thinking that when I touch her it’s a betrayal, because I know deep down this is what you’d want for me. You don’t want me to suffer do you? No, of course you don’t. You love me, and that makes it worse.

I suppose that this is goodbye, my release from you and what we had. I need to be released Ianto, because I know that you wouldn’t want me bound to you forever. Not if it stopped me from saving the people that we cared so much about. I wish that I could say goodbye again, hold you in my arms again and tell you how much you meant to me. I wish I had told you more when we were together, I wish that I’d told you I loved you as soon as I realised. I never deserved you Ianto, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t grateful everyday for having you by my side.

 

Sleep well my angel,

 

                                   Your Captain.

 

 

 

Slowly, Jack collected the all the letters from the floor and placed them neatly back into the plastic bag, along with his new letter. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he slowly made his way down to the archives, his heart thumping in his chest. As he neared vault 810, he rested his hand on it, remembering. He’d left his first letter to Ianto in here with the Vatarian Hammer. Smiling, he opened the vault, trying not to look at the other possessions within it. Some of Ianto’s clothes, his glasses that he’d relied on later on in life, even his stopwatch were all filed away neatly, just like he would have wanted.

 

Bringing the bag of letters to his face, Jack slowly kissed it, tears still working their way down his cheeks. Gently he placed the letters into the vault and closed the door forcefully. It was done.

 

His back against the vault door, Jack slid down it until he was sat in a crumpled heap on the floor. He cried again, but this time he felt lighter, freer than before. He had said goodbye properly at last, let the letters lie in the vaults forever suspended in time. They were a memory of what he had had, a memory of what had been. It had been time for the ghosts to be finally put into shackles, and for Jack to finally let go. The end after all was where he would start from.

Title: Life Notes – Homecoming
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Invisible Insecurities”

Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: The Paper Chase finally ends on a high.

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: Right then. This is it. The last part of “Life Notes”. *Sobs* although it may not be the end, I have some mini fics planned that may pop up in the future. But anyway, this is the fluffy end chapter. I just want to tell everyone who has followed this fic how grateful I am, and how much I appreciate their support. You’ve made writing this fic a great experience. HUGE thanks to my beta,

2nd_toshiko, I adore her, she is just purely amazing. I you haven’t read her fics yet, then you should immediately. Anyway I hope that this fluffy chapter is a suitable end to the series, and as ever, comments are both adored and life. :) Thanks sooo much just_being_me08

 

 

 

“Mmmmm.” Lips parted slightly, Jack felt moist lips slowly kiss his, moving down to jaw and then onto to his neck.

“Good morning Sir.” Ianto breathed, continuing to kiss his way onto his chest.

“Now that’s one hell of a wake up call.” The Captain laughed, slowly bringing up Ianto’s face to his so that he could kiss him in return. “You should do that more often.” He smirked, before pulling him into a deeper kiss as he pulled him on top of him.

“Now, now Sir, Let’s not get too excited eh? I’m still recovering from last night.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No. But it means I’m not ready for round two just yet.” Pressing another kiss to Jack’s mouth, Ianto rolled off him and sat up. “Tell you what I will do though.”

“Come back to bed?” Jack pouted, holding out his arms to him.

“Nope. You stay here, I’m going to go and make you breakfast.”

“No.” Jack smiled, reaching out and grabbing Ianto’s arm before he could stand up. “Let me.”

 

Lying back in bed, Ianto watched Jack quickly get dressed, smiling as he watched his strong arms become covered by the pale blue shirt, the fabric flexing against his back.

“Enjoying the view?” Jack smirked, turning to face him as he pulled on his braces.

“It’s ok.” Ianto quipped, turning to lie on his side. “So what am I having for breakfast?”

“Depends what I can find.” Jack grinned, kissing Ianto’s shoulder, before dashing up the ladder and into the Hub.

 

Rolling onto his back, Ianto couldn’t help but smile as he heard the cog door shut behind Jack, Usually the Hub felt so open and bare when he was alone there, like it would swallow him whole. But now, in the safe confines of Jack’s room, Ianto felt at ease, warm, at home even. Home. That made Ianto think about his own flat, lying empty and soulless a few minutes drive away. He should really go back. But then, as he continued to think about it, even with him there his flat would still be empty. The only thing that would make it come alive was Jack………

 

Acting on impulse, Ianto crawled across the bed, reaching down on the floor for his discarded jacket. Reaching into the breast pocket, he pulled out his notebook, ripping out a few sheets for good measure. Settling himself down amongst the sheets, he flipped it open and began to write.

 

 

Dear Jack,

 

                 You’ve gone all domestic on me do you realise that? Out buying me breakfast whilst I lie here being lazy! I could get used to this Captain, although if we’re going to make this happen more often, then you’re going to have to learn how to make decent coffee. (You don’t just throw it in the cup with some milk Jack!)

 

I’ve been doing some thinking recently, not just about how much I love you, but about what I want to happen between us, what I want us to have, to share. We’ve talked about forever, and how we want to spend as much of my life as possible together, but what else? I keep wondering if you want to share the same things as I do Jack.

 

I know you love me. God, after these past few days I should know that all too well. But we’ve never discussed what we want from each other, how what we have will shape our future. We’re going to have a future too Jack, because I’m planning on hanging around on Earth for many years to come.

 

Normally, I wouldn’t put this down in writing. It’s never something that I have written down in a relationship before, because well I’ve never needed to. But, that honesty that we developed on paper, I think it’s special. I know that that honesty exists between us now, but someone it still seems so much stronger on paper. Maybe it’s because I know we can look back on these letters and remember in the future, maybe it’s because if I write the words, I can be sure that I’ve said them. Whatever it is, I love you. I think now’s the time to tell you what I want from this relationship and hope you feel the same.

 

I want you Jack. Plain and simple. I want to wake up every morning in those arms that I adore, to feel wanted and loved as soon as I open my eyes. I want to be able to retreat into those arms every night, no matter what has happened at work, and feel safe, protected. But I want more than that. I want to be able to treat you like the man that I love. I want us to be able to sit and around and watch films, eat our meals together. I want us to be able to lounge around on a Sunday morning reading the papers and drinking coffee, before I finally get to take you to my mother’s for Sunday lunch. Its sounds so ridiculous, but I want to squeeze every last drop of normality out of our relationship, because to me Jack, that’s the one way I know that I’m treating you right. You haven’t had normality and security in a very long time, and I want to give it back to you.

 

So, in the plainest way possible, what I’m saying here Jack is that I want you to move in with me. I feel so ridiculous saying it like this, but I really want this to happen. You’ve been trapped in the Hub too long and its about time you came home with me.

 

Love you,

               Yan

Dropping the letter onto Jack’s pillow, Ianto paused. Was it too soon? Was it what Jack wanted? Shaking his head, he dragged himself away from it and into the shower.

 

 

“Ianto?!” Jack called out, dashing out into the Hub, the brown bag tucked gently under his arm. Placing it onto the kitchen counter, he made his way down the hatch, hearing water running from the bathroom. Smirking, he began to loosen his shirt buttons, until his eyes rested on the piece of paper lying on his pillow. Curious, he bent down to pick it up.

 

Lowering himself down onto the bed, Jack began to read, his face creasing into a smile. As he read on, he felt his stomach twist in realisation. This was so much more than the love note he was expecting.

 

Jack read the words over and over, staying sat on the bed until he heard the shower turn off and Ianto pad out into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist. The Captain couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he looked, pale skin wet and smooth, his hair flattened by the cascade of water. For a moment the two men looked at each other, their eyes glued to each others. Neither dared speak first.

 

“Yan….-” Jack began, standing up to face him.

“I knew it was a bad idea. I’m sorry Jack, I never meant to-” Ianto shrugged, trying to turn away. But Jack reached out, his hand gripping Ianto’s wrist. Slowly, he pulled him towards him, into a deep kiss, sucking the water from the shower off his lips.

“You talk too much Mr Jones.” He breathed, keeping his arms wrapped around Ianto. “But I still love you. And, just to be clear, I want that normality you’re offering me. More than anything.” He paused, leaning in for another kiss, concreting his claim.

“You do?”

“Of course I do. But I never thought that you would ask me.”

“Why?” Ianto asked, his hand idly fiddling with Jack’s collar.

“Because of what I can’t give you.”

“That doesn’t matter to me. You know it doesn’t. I just want you to be part of my life. My whole life, not just Torchwood.”

“Thank you.” Jack smiled pressing a kiss to Ianto’s forehead. Bending his head, he gently whispered into Ianto’s ear, his breath warm and soothing. “You’ve saved me more than you know. Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Dropping his keys onto the table in the hallway, Ianto kicked off his shoes and shoved them aside, shaking off the snow from his jacket in the process. He shivered, his body adjusting to the warm air that surrounded him in the hall.

 

“You’re back!” A voice yelled from the living room. “I could murder a coffee!” Following the voice, Ianto smiled, seeing Jack sprawled out on the carpet, lying on his stomach, one of his old war novels propped open in front of him. He was stretched out like a cat in front of the electric fireplace, his shirt hanging loosely off him as he hadn’t bothered to fasten it.

“Shouldn’t you be the one making the coffee?” Ianto laughed rolling his eyes. “After all I just went out in the snow to get this-” He pointed to the small bag that he had in his hand. “Specially for you.”

“What is it?” Jack grinned eagerly, sitting up to look at him.

“A surprise.”

“I hate surprises.”

“You won’t hate this one.” Smirking, Ianto skirted round Jack and stepped towards the tree, lying the present underneath it with the others. “But you’ll have to wait.”

“I don’t do waiting.” Jack smiled, standing up and walking over to him.

“Well you’ll have to do. There’s a week to go yet.” Leaning into him, Ianto let Jack’s arms wrap their way around his body, as he felt the warmth radiate into him through his clothes.

“You and your traditions.” The Captain smirked, kissing him lightly.

“Well you wanted normal. Can’t get any more normal than my mother’s Christmas lunch!”

“True. I think I can handle it though.”

“Course you can. She loves you more than me.” Ianto laughed, pressing another kiss to Jack’s lips.

“Well who can blame her? I’m irresistible!” Jack smirked, raising one eyebrow.

“You’re not bad.” Ianto quipped, before claiming The Captain’s lips in a more demanding kiss. It might have been cold outside but his heart had never felt warmer. He was finally home, even though it had taken him some time to get there, he’d got there in the end.

 

Part One: The List

Part Two : Paper Chase

Part Three: Dear Mr Jones

Part Four: Frustrated Ink

Part Five: Patience

Part Six: Contented Paper

Spin off fic: Dancing

Part Seven: Preoccupation

Part Eight: Idelible Jealousy

Part Nine : Ink Stained Aplogies

Part Ten: Despairing Ink

Part Eleven: Invisible Insecurities

Part Twelve: Homecoming

Part Thirteen: Lacrymosa

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And then They Moved On

Meet the Jones'

Christmas Time

Festive Promises

Before I say "I do"

Someone Call the Wedding Planner

Suits, Smiles and the Space - Time Continuum

Doctors, Dances and Dedication

I'll Never Drink Again

Title: Life Notes – Invisible Insecurities
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Despairing Ink”

Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: I’m a bit speedy at the moment, but here is another part of “Life Notes”. I adore writing this series as much as I adore all the wonderful people who read and comment on it! Without you I would have never got to chapter eleven! As a huge thank you goes out to my wonderful beta 2nd_toshiko too, as without her, this chapter wouldn’t be out so soon and it wouldn’t be half as good! As always I appreciate every comment immensely, and all comments are loved and life! :)

 

 

 

 

Those three hours had felt like millennia, and as Ianto continued to hide in the tourist office, he could almost feel every nanosecond pass. For three hours he’d wanted to go downstairs and be able to say the things that made him feel sick to his stomach, that made his chest ache beneath his shirt.

 

He’d nodded politely as Gwen and Owen left, forcing himself to smile at them from behind his desk. He’d even managed to convince Gwen that the cut on his hand was just a scratch, and fight off Owen’s remarks about how he could have done a better job bandaging it. However, when Toshiko went to leave, Ianto felt himself stop acting and be the real Ianto he’d been able to be earlier.

 

“Ianto.” She smiled, stopping in front of his desk. “You ok?”

“I’ve been better.” Standing up and moving next to her, Ianto looked Tosh in the eye, reassured by the kindness he saw there. “He tried to explain everything…….in the letter I mean.”

“And? How does that make you feel?”

“I don’t know…. I love him, but the words on the paper are just echoes of him. I need to hear him tell me that it’s ok. I just….I need to put some closure on all of this.” He paused, wrapping his right arm around Tosh’s shoulders pulling her closer to him. He felt her lean into him, her slender arm around his waist.

“You get that closure tonight Ianto. Promise me. Because I hate seeing you like this.”

“Thanks Tosh.” Leaning down, Ianto kissed the top of her head, before letting go of her. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s what I’m here for.” She nodded shyly, before walking out of the office, leaving him to the silence that encapsulated the room around him. It was now or never.

 

 

“Jack…..” Ianto managed to say, his mouth dry as he found himself standing in the doorway of Jack’s office. He watched as the Captain slowly looked up in shock, his eyes red and bloodshot, pain writhing out from behind their sockets. Neither man said anything more; they just stopped and stared, their eyes meeting across the room.

 

Slowly, Ianto watched as Jack stood up, and moved forward, standing one pace in front of Ianto. His eyes fixed on the Captain’s, Ianto felt himself move forward, until they were so close that he could feel his breath on his cheek. Leaning forward, he kissed Jack, their lips pressing together frantically, as he felt his tongue move to deepen the kiss.

 

Breaking away, Ianto could feel the tears that had fallen down his cheeks. His mind was a bundle of emotion as he felt his good right fist launch forward and strike Jack squarely on the jaw, knocking him off guard.

 

“Jack- I………I’m-”

“It’s ok Ianto.”

“But I didn’t mean to…..” He tailed off, his voice weak as his arms lay limply at his sides.

“Ianto……I understand.” Jack breathed, wiping away the blood from his lip. He stepped forward, feeling tears prick in his eyes. “I deserve so much more than that.”

“You don’t.”

“I do……. I am so sorry Ianto.” Leaning against his desk, Jack was unable to look at Ianto as he felt the salty water flow down his face. “There’s so much that I want you to know, so much I have to explain.”

“I need to hear you say it Jack.” Ianto managed to mumble, his head spinning. “I need more than words this time.”

 

Jack took a deep breath, feeling all the words whirl through his brain at 100mph.

“I love you so much Ianto. But, I let my insecurities get in the way. I hate myself for that, for letting my stupid thoughts hurt you, hurt us. I am so scared of losing you Ianto; it terrifies me more than anything. I love you so much, so much sometimes that it hurts. But what hurts the most is knowing about what I have done to you.” Jack stopped, watching Ianto’s features crumple in front of him.

“You hurt me so much Jack. You made me feel like all my words weren’t real, that everything we had wasn’t………….that there was no us, like we didn’t exist.” Ianto sobbed, tears flowing down his face faster than before.

“I never meant to do that. I never meant any harm to you Ianto. Please.” Jack begged, stepping forward, desperate to comfort the younger man.

“But what about when it happens again Jack?!” Ianto snapped, backing away. “I can’t go through this again.”

“It won’t. Please Ianto, I swear to you, I will never be able to do this again. No matter what I feel, I’ll remember this, remember how much it hurts. I’m begging you Yan.”

 

He’d heard it. The words had come alive, they were no longer lying suspended on the page, they were living, breathing in front of him. Ianto felt his heart ache beneath his ribcage. There was so much more that he could say, but didn’t need to anymore. He had seen the emotion in Jack’s eyes, the pain and the regret that he had only imagined when reading his letter.

 

Stepping forward, Ianto held his arms open, instantly feeling Jack rush into them. Holding his arms tight around him, he felt the older man’s tears run onto his neck and shoulder.

“I love you.” Jack managed to say, pulling back far enough so that he could lean in and press his lips against Ianto’s. “I’m never going to hurt you again. I promise you.”

 

 

 

 

That night, they were laid in Jack’s bed, the air still and calm around them. On the floor lay their discarded clothes, Ianto’s ripped shirt draped across the ladder towards the end of the room.

 

“Your hand.” Jack breathed, reaching out and touching Ianto’s bandaged hand. “What happened?”

“You did Jack Harkness.” Ianto smiled, snuggling up to him closer, his head resting in the nook under Jack’s arm. “I was angry, and stupid. It’s just a flesh wound.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve hurt you so much and-”

“Shhhh.” Ianto soothed, pressing his lips to Jack’s before he could say anymore. “I hurt you too remember.” Softly, he kissed the spot just below the Captain’s lip, where the swelling from his punch was just about to show.

“I thought that we would never be like this again.” Jack sighed, stroking Ianto’s bare shoulder.

“Never. I’d miss the sex.” The welsh man laughed, grinning at Jack.

“I didn’t mean the sex. I meant this.” As if to indicate what he meant, the Captain tightened his grip around Ianto, pressing him to his body. “It’s my favourite part.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s the one time that we get to just be us. No barriers, no images. Just plain Jack and Ianto. How it should be.” He smiled, bending his head to kiss the younger man’s nose. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Ianto smiled, letting his body go limp in Jack’s arms. “Sleep. That’s what I need now. Now I’m safe in your arms, I want to go to sleep.”

“Good, me too. Sweet dreams Ianto. Tomorrow has to be a better day.”

“It will be.” Ianto breathed, before finally letting himself drift into a much needed slumber. He was safe, and finally………… everything was ok.

Title: Life Notes –  Despairing Ink
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Ink Stained Apologies”

Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: The next instalment of “Life Notes.” As ever a big thank you goes out too all the lovely people who have read and followed this series! A bigger thank you goes out to my fabulous beta 2nd_toshiko!! She’s brilliant and keeps me motivated and writing these fics, as well as reminding me just how much I love Janto. Hope you all enjoy this instalment, and as always, all comments are loved and adored :)

 

 

 

 

Flexing his hand underneath the bandages, Ianto winced as he felt the cut sting with pain.

“I’d rest it for a while if I was you.” The Doctor nodded, handing him a small bag of bandages. “Renew the bandages tomorrow. As soon as it starts healing up, I’d let it get some air ok?” She smiled, her face warm.

“Thank you.” He nodded, standing up.

“No problem. Just be more careful next time!” She laughed, beaming at him as he left.

 

 

“Coffee?” Tosh smiled as he stepped out into the fresh air, the sun stinging at his eyes. “It’s Starbucks.” She added, handing it to him.

“Thanks.” Taking the coffee from her, Ianto brought it to his nostrils, breathing in the strong scent of it. “Mmmmm.” He smiled, parting his lips slightly. “I need this.”

“I thought you might.” She laughed, looping her arm through his free arm and gently tugging him after her. “Fancy a walk whilst you drink that?”

 

They walked through the streets arm in arm, until they reached the other side of the harbour, well away from the Hub. Ianto had managed to drink his coffee in minutes, the smooth liquid soothing his throat as he drank. The walk had been a quiet, peaceful one, time that Ianto realised he had needed more than he had thought. Tosh hadn’t bombarded him questions, but her company along side him was more than enough to give him the comfort that he needed.

 

“You didn’t have to wait for me you know.” He sighed, resting his arms on the railing in front of them.

“I did Ianto. I don’t know why- but I felt like……well like you needed me.” She turned her head away sheepishly.

“That’s because I do.” Ianto breathed, throwing her a weak smile. “I just didn’t realise it that’s all.”

“What’s wrong?” Feeling her soft hand on his shoulder, he let himself meet her eyes.

“Where do I start?” He sighed, placing his hand onto her, feeling her tighten her grip.

“From the beginning.” I’m here for as long as you need me.”

 

He didn’t know what made him do it, but Ianto felt everything pour out of both his heart and mouth then. He told Tosh everything, from when him and Jack had started sleeping together to the letters they’d written over the past few days. He felt the love he felt for Jack spill out of him, like once he’d started he couldn’t stop. Toshiko listened to every word, handing him a tissue as renewed tears began to fall.

 

“I thought that what we had was real. I thought that he was………different. I was wrong wasn’t I?” Ianto mumbled feeling Tosh slip and arm around his shoulders.

“No.” She soothed, stroking his shoulder. “You weren’t wrong Ianto. I don’t think I could have been.”

“How can I be wrong? Tell me Tosh, because god knows I want to be.” He sniffed.

“I’ve listened to everything you’ve told me Ianto. You love Jack, and there’s no doubt in my mind he loves you. He did something stupid, No worse than that…. he said things that hurt more than if he’d torn your heart out and thrown it away. But if I know one thing about Jack, it’s that when he feels something, it’s real. What you two have together is real Ianto. I’m sure of it.”

“Thanks.” Ianto eventually breathed, putting his arm around Tosh, pulling her closer. “You’re great you know that?” He smiled, kissing the top of her head.

“Yup. Now, are we going back to the Hub?” She grinned, breaking the embrace and pulling him after her.

 

 

As soon as he was back in the Hub, Ianto felt his stomach flip. He felt unsteady and nauseous, the pain in his hand throbbing up his arm and towards his spine. He moved towards his desk, seeing a letter taped to his screen.

 

“What is it?” Tosh asked, watching as he held it in front of him.

“A letter from Jack.”

“I told you that he loved you Ianto.” She smiled, stepping towards the door. “I’ll get back to work and give you some privacy. It’ll be ok.” She nodded, before leaving him alone.

 

Sitting down his chair, Ianto stared at the letter, almost willing it to open for him. His hands shaking, he slowly ripped into it, discarding the envelope and opening the paper out in front of his eyes. Slowly he read each word, taking in each letter like oxygen. He wanted to understand it all.

 

Reaching out, Ianto found himself picking up his pen and some paper. Putting it to the paper, he looked up, thinking of his reply.

 

Dear Jack,

 

 

Shaking his head, Ianto put down the pen, screwing up the paper. There were some things that were never meant to be written down and said on paper. Some things needed to be said, needed to be heard. And this was one of those things. This was something that the letters wouldn’t be able to fix.

Title: Life Notes – Ink Stained Apologies
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Indelible Jealousy”

Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: Here it is, yet another part of “Life Notes”. This fic has taken over all my writing time and I think its simply because I’m addicted to knowing that people are enjoying it so much! So thank you, as ever this chapter is dedicated to all of you! As quick warning too! Sorry if Jack's voice is a little lost here, I'm not entirely convinced I've got it right! As promised, the letter in this chapter is huge, so you have been warned! And as always, comments are adored, loved, cherished and of course life! :)

 

 

What had just happened? Standing in the small kitchen, Ianto steadied himself on the counter top, his stomach feeling sick and uneasy. He swallowed hard, feeling a lump build in his throat as he remembered Jack’s words in the SUV. He felt so cheap, like all their connections had never existed and things were back to how they’d been in the beginning. Who did Jack think he was to accuse him of not caring like that? He knew just how much Ianto loved him.

 

Feeling tears build in his eyes, Ianto suddenly felt a wave of anger flow through him. Why was it always this way? He was always the one who suffered, the one who bared it all and got hurt. Jack was such a hypocrite, when he flirted with others Ianto just accepted it and reminded himself of what they had. But after all they had said, all that Ianto had felt between them, Jack hadn’t been able to see it.

 

Slamming his fist against the edge of one of the cabinets, Ianto quickly withdrew it in pain, watching blood slowly trickle from the new cut in his left palm. Quickly grabbing a tea towel, he wrapped it around his hand, feeling the tears pour down his cheeks as the rage subsided.

 

“Ianto?” The hand on his shoulder and soft voice of Toshiko suddenly reminded Ianto of where he was. Embarrassed, he turned further away from her, wiping away at his face with his good hand.

“Oh…………hi Tosh.” He managed to mumble, his back still to her.

“Have you hurt yourself? Let me see.”

“No……no its fine. Just a-”

“Let me see.” Forcibly but still gentle, Tosh slowly grabbed Ianto’s arm, turning him round to face her. For the first time he saw the look of concern on her face as she unwrapped the tea towel and stared at the deep cut. “How did you do this?”

“I slipped.” He managed to say, holding back more tears.

“We need to get it looked at. I’ll get Owen.”

“No!” Ianto gasped, louder than he anticipated. “Please Tosh.” He croaked, not able to hold back the tears anymore. “I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Ok.” Stepping forward, Tosh closed the space between them, folding her arms around his slim shoulders. Ianto felt himself cling to her, desperate to be comforted, desperate for the pain to stop. “Look, come with me. We’ll go to the hospital and see another doctor. But you have to tell me everything Ianto. You can’t keep this to yourself ok?” She soothed, stroking the back of his head as if he was a small child.

Ianto managed to murmur in agreement, before Tosh led him out of the Hub and towards her car.

 

 

In his office, Jack poured himself another scotch, downing it in seconds. It made no difference; his throat was too numb to feel the liquid fire, and his brain to fuzzy to acknowledge the alcohol anyway. He’d seen Ianto leave with Toshiko, but he hadn’t asked where they’d gone, even though he desperately wanted to know. He wanted to hold Ianto again, to tell him that what he had said had been rash, a mixture of jealousy and fear and love. Love especially; he had never forgotten how much he loved Ianto….

 

Rubbing his temples, Jack replayed the morning’s events through his head. The kiss was stained onto his eyelids, playing continually over and over. Except each time, Ianto groaned into the woman’s body more and more, her arms becoming tighter around her neck as the kiss went on and on….

“I’m so sorry Ianto.” He breathed as if the young man was stood in front of him. “How can I ever make things up to you?”

 

 

Glancing down to his desk, Jack saw the small pile of love letters, at the very bottom his favourite, the list of why Ianto loved him. How could he have forgotten that so recklessly?

 

“4.) The way that he’s always there for me. When we’re together, it’s as if he’s only there for me, like I’m the only one who matters. When we talk, he listens more than anyone else I’ve known, and despite what I say, I know he’ll never judge me.”

 

 

Swallowing hard, Jack felt the guilt rack through his body as he read Ianto’s words. “The way that he’s always there for me.” Where was he now when Ianto needed him? He had judged him so harshly, done the one thing to Ianto that he never thought he was capable of doing. He had hurt him. And the worst part was it was all on purpose.

 

He had so much to say, but he knew right then Ianto wouldn’t listen to him. He’d done so much damage to their relationship that the distant memories of their date and waking up together seemed so long ago. Shaking his head, Jack reached for the only thing that he knew he could channel every emotion his heart felt through, and began to write.

 

 

 

Ianto,

 

         I’m sorry. I know the words look feeble on this paper, but I want to explain everything that I can to you. I know that this is the best way to do it, because like before, pen and paper gives me the freedom that my spoken words lack. And I need that freedom Ianto, because you deserve more than anything for me to tell you why I’ve done this to you.

 

I just want to make things right between us. I know that you’ll see this and want to screw it up, tear it into little pieces and ram them down my throat. And I don’t blame you. I’ve almost managed to destroy everything in an instant, and I know that I should give you space, let us both think and regret. But the truth is Ianto, what we have is so special that it’s worth fighting for. Every minute we lose is unbearable; because to me every moment of us is more precious than anything else in the world.

 

I was so scared today. When I saw you pinned down by that weevil, I could see the scene play out before my very eyes as I ran to you. I could hear your screams when I was too late, I could almost feel your blood staining my hands. I was terrified that I’d lose you that you would slip away from me before my eyes like so many others. I have never felt so horrified and frightened in my life, because I have never been faced with losing everything in such a short space of time. Until today. When I thought that I would be too late, I felt like my world had just ended.

 

This isn’t an excuse for how I treated you. Or the girl. It wasn’t her fault; she was so shaken and frightened. And you my wonderful, heroic Ianto saved her life. She’d be dead if it hadn’t been for your selflessness. The truth is, I’m so used to being the hero that when someone else is, I almost feel threatened, even when that person is you.

 

You comforted her. Of course you did, because you care. After all the things you’ve seen, you still care. You stop to comfort just one person, you care for their wounds as best you can, and when they reach out for you, you don’t push them away. I wish that I could say the same for myself. You’re a better man than me, because after all the people I’ve saved, I’ve forgotten how to care in the same way as you do.

 

I can’t explain to you how that kiss made me feel. I know now that it was nothing to do with you, that it was simply her reaching out and wanting to feel comforted. But I didn’t see it then. All I could see was your lips touching hers. She was beautiful and that threatened me too. I’d been so scared of losing you, and then I saw you with her, and it felt like despite it all I had lost you anyway.

 

Part of me is always worried that I’ll lose you. I know that you say that you don’t care about my immortality, and that you want the forever that I can promise you. But what if you change your mind? What if you meet someone who you learn to love as much or maybe more than you love me? I’m terrified that you’ll leave me Ianto, terrified that you’ll realise that I can’t promise you enough. I worry that you’ll crave the normal life I can’t give you, and seek out that life elsewhere, away from me. I guess that all these underlying fears were just, amplified by that kiss today. It’s the only way I can explain it. Like the constant fear of losing you was suddenly so large that I couldn’t push it aside anymore.  

 

So I lashed out. I said things that I regret more than anything else in my life. If I could retcon those words that I said from my brain I would. I’ve hurt you so much Ianto, made you think that the love I have promised you in these letters was false. I never wanted to do that. Believe me, the love I have for you is the most genuine emotion I’ve ever felt. I never meant to cheapen that, to make you feel like that wasn’t the case. I love you above anything and everything else Ianto. I just hope that somehow, you still love me.

 

 I love you. I can’t say it enough because on paper the words just fall off my pen and arrange themselves onto the paper. I know that it won’t be easy; I know that you won’t want to forgive me. But I had to try Yan, because if I didn’t then I’d feel guiltier than I do now. I’m so sorry Ianto. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but it seems that I did that all too easily. I’m sorry, I am so sorry.

 

 

Yours forever,

                          

                              Jack

Title: Life Notes – Indelible Jealousy
Rating: Errrr there's quite a bit of swearing actually :S
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Preoccupation”

Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?

Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.

Author’s Notes: Right then, a bit different this one, but still the same old “Life Notes” that we all love! (I hope!) Inspired by eleni81, the title pretty much says it all. Apologies for there not being a main letter in here, there will be one in the next part I promise! As always, any ideas for the fic are always muchly appreciated, and a big thank you goes out to all those lovely people who read these stories! You’re the ones I’m writing all this for! Aside from that I hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always comments are completely adored and loved :)

 

 

 

 

“A pyromite?” Ianto questioned, watching through the glass as the alien fireball thrashed around the cell, its arms punching the walls hard.

“Yeah. Poor guy. Newly hatched too, we found his egg case.” Pausing, Ianto watched Jack swallow hard. “Imagine waking up and finding yourself in an atmosphere that was slowing killing you.” He said softly, putting his hand on the glass.

“It’s dying?”

“He. And yes he’s dying, there’s not enough oxygen for him and it’s too cold.”

“Can’t we provide him with more oxygen? Give him some heat? We can help him Jack.”

“We can’t offer it what it really needs though. Its home planet is one big molten plain, the atmosphere 100’s of times hotter than ours. We can keep it alive but trapped in a cage. It would be like caging a shark, depriving it of the open space it needs. There’s nothing we can do for him.”

 

Pressing both his hands against the glass, Jack looked into the burning inferno behind the creature’s eyes, feeling the intensity of the fire raging in them. A fire that was quietly dying out. Reaching out with his mind even though he knew it was hopeless, Jack felt himself brush against the creatures primitive thoughts. I’m so sorry.

 

 Stepping forward, Ianto placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder, letting his hand glide across Jack’s back from shoulder to shoulder. Turning him slowly so that he faced him, Ianto held Jack’s face in his arms, forcing him to look into his eyes.

“Oh no you don’t Jack Harkness. Don’t you go blaming yourself for this too.”

“But its my-”

“No Jack.” Ianto soothed, before pulling him into a warm embrace.

 

Later in his office, Jack sat in his chair, clutching Ianto’s letter in his hand. He felt like a kid at Christmas, holding his favourite toy in his hand in case anyone dared take it from him. He’d spent most of the morning thinking about what made Ianto’s letters so special. The truth was, it was everything about them. The way they were written, the way that his writing coiled itself along the paper, the way that each word melted into its beautiful neighbour……. Jack quickly shook his head, only Ianto Jones could make him sentimental about handwriting.

 

 

 

Dear Ianto,

 

                   It’s official, I’m obsessed with you. Everything about you, your smile, your eyes, right down to your immaculate handwriting. Why did you have to be so damn amazing? So wonderful that I spend 99% of my time thinking about you? In fact today I came to a shocking realisation. Do you realise that-”

 

“Jack?” Owen snapped, standing in the doorway. “We’ve got a weevil running loose about 12 blocks away.”

“A weevil? Now?”

“Yeah, Jack a weevil. It’s pretty safe for now, just wandering round some backstreets. Tosh is following it on CCTV.”

“Ok. Call Ianto up here. I don’t want to make a big thing about it. You guys stay here but keep in com contact at all times. I want to know straight away if anymore decide to pop up. Ok?” Jack nodded, standing up and moving to grab his coat from the stand.

“Are you sure that you and Ianto can handle this?”

“Positive. We’ve done it plenty of times.” Jack smirked.

 

“Usual drill then Sir?” Ianto asked, handing Jack the equipment from the boot of the SUV.

“Yeah, think that should do it. Tosh is telling me its pinned down in the next alley, but she can’t get a visual of it as of yet. If it turns nasty, let me handle it ok?” Jack smiled, indicating for Ianto to follow him down towards the alleyway.

“Don’t go all heroic on me Sir.” Ianto quipped, following him slowly.

“I’m not. If it mauls me, it’ll give you a clear shot to subdue it. Mind you, let’s try not to let it get that far yeah?”

 

They continued along the empty street silently, both sensing any movement around them. The surrounding industrial estate was quiet, apart from the distant echo of nearby factories. That was until a high pitched scream pierced the air.

 

Ianto was the first to react. Sprinting towards the alleyway, he could hear Jack behind him doing the same, his heavy boots clattering on the pavement.

 

“Oh God…..Please……..Help me. Oh……..god…………please!” In front of him, Ianto saw a woman back slowly away from the Weevil, its eyes fixed on her. She was sobbing, her white vest top soaked in blood from her right arm, which carried a large slash down the length of her bicep. “Please! Stop it! I’m begging you!” She screamed again, her back hitting a brick wall, unable to retreat further.

 

Not wasting any more time, Ianto felt himself sprint forwards towards the Weevil, his brain a blur of thoughts as he felt himself draw nearer and nearer towards it.

“Ianto!” Tackling the Weevil to the ground, Ianto could hear Jack’s distant yell behind him, although right then his mind was blurry with adrenaline. Forgetting the strength of the alien below him, he suddenly felt himself be flipped over by it, watching as it gnashed its teeth above his neck. As he heard the woman scream, Ianto closed his eyes, preparing for the bite………

 

 

Feeling the body of the Weevil go limp on top of him, Ianto finally managed to open his eyes, seeing Jack tower about him, a piece of steel piping in one hand and an empty hypodermic in the other.

“Never……” Jack gasped, hauling the Weevil off him and pulling him to his feet. “Do that again. Understand?” Shakily Ianto nodded, before turning round, remembering the woman behind him.

 

“What’s your name?” He smiled, taking off his tie and tying it around her cut arm. Watching her wince, he gave her healthy arm a quick squeeze. “Come on, you can tell me.” He soothed.

 

“Sian.” She managed to mumble, staring into his eyes in disbelief. “What……what was that thin-” Before she finished her sentence, the woman began to sob again, fresh tears pricking their way through her swollen eyes. Before he knew anything else, Sian threw her arms around Ianto’s neck, clutching him tightly.

“Hey…..” He said softly, returning the hug since he didn’t know what else to do. “It’s ok. It’s safe I promise you.”

“Thank you.” Eventually Sian pulled away, her hands still gripping his shoulders. “I can’t imagine what would have happened if-” She didn’t finish her sentence; instead she leant forward, softly kissing Ianto on the lips. “Just……thank you.” She breathed letting go of him entirely.

 

“Ok. Take this for the pain.” Pushing Ianto out of the way, Jack handed the small retcon tablet over to Sian. “You need a doctor too by the looks of it.” He said bluntly.

“But what about what I’ve seen? It wasn’t normal was it?” She asked, giving him an unsure glance as she swallowed the tiny pill dry.

“Get to a doctor and get some sleep. I just wouldn’t mention it to anyone. Clear?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Yan, get her a taxi.”

 

 

Once Sian had left, they loaded the Weevil into the SUV in silence, before climbing in and driving away, Jack’s grip tight on the steering wheel.

“What the fuck is up Jack?” Ianto felt himself snap, the tension in the car too much to stand.

“Nothing.”

“Jack! What the hell has got into you? The way you treated that woman and-“”

“We’re not a care group Ianto. We deal with what comes through the rift, we keep people safe. That’s it.” Jack yelled in return, his voice coarse and brittle.

“But what about compassion Jack? She had just been attacked by an alien, its hardly normal circumstances is it?”

“It’s finished Ianto. It’s done.” Jack snapped again, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“No it isn’t Jack. It’s our job to be there for people. Isn’t that part of protecting them?”

“Stop being so fucking heroic Ianto. This isn’t a novel ok? You don’t just run in and save the damsel in distress.”

“What?!”

“You heard me. I bet it made you feel all masculine and strong didn’t it?”

“Jack I-”

“You’d have fucked her right then and there wouldn’t you? Don’t deny it Ianto, I saw what happened.”

“Jack-”

“Just admit it Ianto!” Jack screamed, pulling up the car outside the Hub and turning to look at him, his eyes full of fire. “For fuck’s sake just be honest with me!”

“That’s what all this is about? One stupid kiss? That’s it?” Ianto spat, his eyes connecting with the Captain’s. “That’s what you think of me? After everything we’ve said? Everything we’ve written?” He paused searching the Captain’s face for any reply. There was none. He shook his head. “Looks like you don’t love me like I thought you did.” Opening the door, Ianto looked round at Jack, fighting the tears in his eyes. “I guess that’s it then.” He said, his voice saddened before getting out and leaving Jack alone.

“Fuck!” Jack screamed, hitting his hand hard against the steering wheel. What had he done?

Title: Life Notes – Preoccupation
Rating: Good for everyone.
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Contented Paper”
Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. Song lyrics belong to Lamb, I just borrowed them for a while. Because I’m a clichéd soppy mess. :)
Author’s Notes: I still have severe writer’s block, so this chapter was a nightmare to write, but what made it worth it were all the great comments from all my great readers. You are all soo amazing, and I wish I could say how much your support means to me. Plus, I am very open to new ideas for this fic, so if you have any, please don’t hesitate in telling me! I hope that you enjoy it, and as always comments are adored and loved beyond belief :)

 

 

 

“Jack” Tosh yelled her eyes still fixed on her monitor. “I’m detecting a huge heat signature about half a mile out of the centre of Cardiff.”

“Lemme see.” Jack was at her side instantly, watching the heat signature move on her radar. “Can you get me an image of it Tosh?”

“I’m working on it now. I’m stretching the resolution a bit though, so it might be fuzzy.” Typing furiously, Tosh leaned back, her face lightening. “There!”

“What the hell is it?” Owen asked, gathering behind them.

“A pyromite. Pretty young too, probably only just hatched.” Jack gave them all a weak smile, looking away from the flaming organism on the screen. “It’ll be very confused. We need t get it under control now.” Looking back to the monitor, Jack programmed some details into his wrist strap before continuing. “I’m taking minimal staff to avoid scaring it. Owen bring every burn treatment that you can, Tosh I have a feeling that we are going to need your technical brilliance to trap and subdue this thing.” Giving them all a dashing smile, Jack turned his attention to Gwen and Ianto. “Sorry you two, but I’m going to need you to stay here, deal with any sightings and cover ups. Gwen I’m going to need you to handle the police.”

“But Jack-” Gwen blurted out, moving to interrupt him.

“No buts Gwen, it’s an order. Ok guys, I’m going to need you to move! Now!”

 

“Be careful.” Ianto said quietly when they were alone in Jack’s office. Handing the Captain his gun, he watched solemnly as he placed it in the holster and straightened up, looking him in the eye.

“C’mon! It’s me, when am I not careful?” He laughed.

“I know you Jack Harkness, just because you can’t die doesn’t mean I don’t worry.”

“Come here.” Jack smiled, opening his arms to hug Ianto. “I’m always going to be here for you Ianto. Like your guardian angel. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He smiled, bending his head down to kiss him.

“I don’t want to.” Ianto breathed, reluctantly moving away.

“Which reminds me, this is for you.” Pressing a small, neatly folded piece of paper into his hand, Jack stepped back towards his office door. “Don’t read it while I’m here eh?” He laughed before dashing out to find Owen and Tosh.

 

The Hub was quiet then, apart from the distant chatter of Gwen talking with the local police. Slowly, Ianto unfolded the paper, his eyes warming as soon as he’d seen how much Jack had written. Work must have been slow this morning, he joked to himself.

 

As he carefully read each word, Ianto felt his heart swell with emotion. As a couple, they were only just beginning to open up and be themselves, but on paper, their relationship has grown so far past that. More to the point, Ianto could almost hear Jack saying the words in his letter, almost feel the emotion in his American accent as it wrapped its way around each one. He could see Jack’s face in front of him, soft and kind, like it had been the night before when they had laid in bed together, simply enjoying being alive…….

 

“Ianto?” Gwen’s voice rudely interrupted Ianto’s day dream, as he suddenly remembered where he was. “You ok in here?”

“Yeah I’m fine. I just got a bit preoccupied. Sorry.” He smiled sincerely.

“It’s ok, don’t worry. Eh you don’t mind getting us a coffee before we get started eh?” She smiled, her eyes pleading.

“Sure, I’ll get straight onto it.”

 

Once he had left, Gwen knew that she should have gone straight out of Jack’s office and thought nothing more of why Ianto was looking so happy with himself. But the seed of curiosity had been firmly planted in her mind, and despite feeling guilty, Gwen had to give in. Quietly she stepped forward, picking up the letter that Ianto had dropped so hastily onto Jack’s desk. Looking around her quickly, she lifted it to eye level, her eyes scanning over it swiftly as she read.

 

It took a while for the words to strike any real meaning into Gwen’s head and when they did, she didn’t know what to feel. She suddenly felt guiltier than she thought possible, dropping the note as if it was on fire. She was never meant to read such private and intimate words.

 

“One coffee!” Ianto grinned, handing her the coffee as he sat beside her on the sofa. “We’ll drink these and then get onto it eh?”

“Yeah, good plan.” Blowing on her coffee, she couldn’t help but smile at him, watching his content features in curiosity. “So, how was the date then?”

“It was………productive.” Ianto nodded, avoiding the question.

“And this person, are they good for you Ianto? You know, do they make you feel good?”

“Yup. People probably wouldn’t say they were good for me, but they don’t know what happens behind closed doors.”

“If you’re sure then that’s all that matters.” She laughed quickly. “I hope things work out for you Ianto. I might wind you up, but you know I care a lot about you don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. Thanks.” He replied softly, give her arm a soft squeeze. “C’mon, let’s try and convince the whole of Cardiff that there isn’t an alien fireball walking round yeah?”

 

It appeared that the people of Cardiff barely noticed the alien rampaging through the city, and Jack and the others were pretty quick to isolate it and retcon any witnesses. This gave Ianto plenty of time to compose the perfect reply to Jack’s letter in relative peace, with the occasional offer of a biscuit from Gwen.

 

 

Dear Jack,

 

                  Thank you for the greatest night of my life. I honestly feel as if I should say thank you to you constantly because of it. It’s amazing, I’ve had many great dates in my time, but there have been few where I have felt so free and so alive. And part of me wants to thank you for writing me that letter, because just like you said, I can keep your words and you can keep mine. The best part is, unlike in our minds, these words will never fade.

 

I have more of a connection with you Jack than anyone else I’ve slept with, loved or even known. You intoxicate me, like a drug, because when I’m not with you, I physically ache to be with you. It’s never been like that for me before, which is why I know what we have is so special, so incredibly unique. Just like you.

 

It was so great getting away from Torchwood last night. Like you said, talking about all the insignificant things was the best part. It made what we have feel normal, like none of the fucked up things we see at work matter. You made me feel so special that night, kissing me in front of everyone like that. I was embarrassed yes, but I felt so honoured, so important. And believe me Jack, I am honoured to be with you. You are more of a man than anyone else I’ve ever met, and you always will be.

 

Even though you made me dance, I have to say that I enjoyed that too. Not because I was dancing, but because I was in your arms, my favourite place to be. I was also impressed that you managed to behave like a true gentleman, but don’t you think for one moment I didn’t notice your hands sliding down towards my arse at one point. I’m becoming less inhibited, but I’m not quite up for groping in public places yet thanks!

 

I’m not perfect Jack and neither are you, but together we’re as close to perfect as I think we can physically get. I love everything about you though, from your scarred hands to your beautiful eyes, to those dimples in your cheeks when you laugh. You make me want more from myself, more from us. And strangely, that makes everything seem so much more worthwhile, like there’s more to work for. This is going to be a cliché, but when I think of you, I think of a certain song. Maybe it’s our song, because it describes us so perfectly, but none the less, its makes so much sense when I think of you.

 

“If I should die this very moment
  I wouldn’t fear
 For I’ve never known completeness
 Like being here
 Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you.”

 

 

With more love than words can say,

                                                                 Ianto