Life Notes - Lacrymosa
Title: Life Notes – Lacrymosa
Rating: Good for everyone.
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Epilogue to the “Life Notes” series.
Spoilers: None that I can think of.
Summary: Time has passed, and things have changed. But has the paper chase ended yet?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: Please don’t hate me. A promised, “Homecoming” was pure fluff as an ending to “Life Notes”. This however is the sad ending. I wanted to experiment with an idea that I haven’t read about much, so here it is. Warning, it may upset you. It upset me writing it! Thank you to everyone who’s read “Life Notes” and especially huge thanks have to go to my wonderful beta and pally 
2nd_toshiko. As ever, all comments are adored and life.
“I thought you’d like a coffee Jack.” Karen smiled, placing Jack’s favourite mug down on his desk.
“Thanks.” He replied weakly, barely looking up from his work.
“You look tired.”
“That’s because I am.”
“Well get some sleep then! Or you could always come home with me, I’ll wake you up.” Looking up, Jack watched the beautiful blonde woman in front of him, her face bright and so very young.
“Not tonight Karen.” He shook his head, returning to his work.
“Oh.” Pausing, Karen sat down opposite him, reaching out and putting her hand on his. “What’s wrong Jack?”
“I’m just tired. The 22nd August is always a rough day for me.”
“Ok.” Karen nodded. “Is there anything you need me to do tonight?”
“I think I just need to be alone.”
“Alright. But cheer up soon eh? That frown doesn’t suit you.” She grinned, before leaving him to it.
As he heard the faint rumble of the cog door, Jack let his head rest in his hands, rubbing roughly at his temples. Two years without him, and only the rest of eternity left.
Closing his eyes, Jack felt himself remember. He could almost see the church in front of him, the congregation filling every pew, sobbing almost drowning out the vicar’s voice. He remembered feeling choked, suffocated as he held the coffin on his shoulder, carrying more than its weight on his heart. He could feel that same heart hammer at his chest when he had watched the coffin be sucked into the ground, watched as day turned to night in the graveyard. He had slept with the ghosts that night, his bed the earth under which his lover lay.
Reaching down into the bottom drawer of his desk, Jack pulled out an old rusty key and unlocked it, pulling out a small see through plastic bag. Opening it gently, he slipped his hand inside and pulled out the soft pile of paper, the edges slightly worn and tattered. Lifting up the first piece, he read the neat, elaborate hand writing as if he’d been reading it for the first time.
“Ten Reasons why I love Jack Harkness, although I’m sure he knows them all”
Jack felt pain sear through his chest as he continued to read, fresh tears pouring down his cheeks as each word stabbed him in the heart. Ianto flashed before his eyes, his warm smile, his beautiful face, his perfect suits. Closing his eyes, Jack tried to see him, what he would look like if he was stood in front of him right then, what he would say. But his mind wasn’t strong enough, and all he could hear were the dying man’s words.
I might not be with you, but I’ll still love you Jack. Don’t let this be the end. Don’t let this destroy you.
“Ianto!” Jack screamed, throwing the letters from his desk onto the floor along with a flurry of budgets and admin work. Openly sobbing now, he felt his head collapse onto his desk, his entire body shaking as each sob tore through him. There was nothing anymore, nothing to come back for.
His sobs subsiding slightly, Jack picked himself up, sniffing hard. He had so much to say to Ianto and there was only one way that he could think of telling him.
To my dearest Ianto,
I still love you. It’s been two years, and a part of me has been telling myself to move on, to not let this be the end like what you wanted. But, I still love you so much. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. I find myself holding a pillow and wishing that it was you, waking up and screaming your name. But you can’t hear me. And god I wish that you could.
We knew that it would happen. It wasn’t your fault, I said that whatever you gave me would be enough, and that all the memories that we shared would help me live without you. But it’s not that simple. Nothing is. Now those memories burn in my heart, they remind me everyday of what I’ve lost, of what I’ll never get back. All I want is to hear you one last time, to hear you tell me that it’ll be ok, that I’ll get through this. Everyone else tells me that it’ll get better, but I don’t believe them. I just want you, the one thing I can never have. Not anymore.
There’s nothing now. I keep telling myself that I need to go on, to keep Torchwood going and protect the world. But the truth is, there’s nothing for me in this world to protect now. And that scares me Ianto. If I can’t protect people then what do I do with my existence? What is there left for me to live for? I’m terrified Ianto, I want to make a difference, to save lives like Torchwood always has done. What if I can’t do that anymore? What if I fail the people I’m entrusted to protect? How could I live with myself then?
I know that it would break you’re heart to see me like this. It breaks my heart just to see what I’ve become. I always worried about what I would turn into when the loss was too much, and I think that this is it. For two years I’ve been a different man, unable to move on, unable to forget. There’s retcon, but I can’t bring myself to destroy what is left of you.
I don’t want you to be disappointed in me though Ianto. I have tried to move on, to find comfort in others. There’s this girl, Karen, you’d like her. She’s very polite and smart just like you, except her coffee isn’t as good. I’m not in love with her, but she’s someone, something to cling to. I wish I could stop myself thinking that when I touch her it’s a betrayal, because I know deep down this is what you’d want for me. You don’t want me to suffer do you? No, of course you don’t. You love me, and that makes it worse.
I suppose that this is goodbye, my release from you and what we had. I need to be released Ianto, because I know that you wouldn’t want me bound to you forever. Not if it stopped me from saving the people that we cared so much about. I wish that I could say goodbye again, hold you in my arms again and tell you how much you meant to me. I wish I had told you more when we were together, I wish that I’d told you I loved you as soon as I realised. I never deserved you Ianto, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t grateful everyday for having you by my side.
Sleep well my angel,
Your Captain.
Slowly, Jack collected the all the letters from the floor and placed them neatly back into the plastic bag, along with his new letter. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he slowly made his way down to the archives, his heart thumping in his chest. As he neared vault 810, he rested his hand on it, remembering. He’d left his first letter to Ianto in here with the Vatarian Hammer. Smiling, he opened the vault, trying not to look at the other possessions within it. Some of Ianto’s clothes, his glasses that he’d relied on later on in life, even his stopwatch were all filed away neatly, just like he would have wanted.
Bringing the bag of letters to his face, Jack slowly kissed it, tears still working their way down his cheeks. Gently he placed the letters into the vault and closed the door forcefully. It was done.
His back against the vault door, Jack slid down it until he was sat in a crumpled heap on the floor. He cried again, but this time he felt lighter, freer than before. He had said goodbye properly at last, let the letters lie in the vaults forever suspended in time. They were a memory of what he had had, a memory of what had been. It had been time for the ghosts to be finally put into shackles, and for Jack to finally let go. The end after all was where he would start from.