I haven't left my husband... yet. Still working up the courage to do so. I've been a stay-at-home-mom for 20 years and the idea of being out there on my own scares the shit out of me. I don't have a job and I am entering my second year of college this fall.
1. how long were you married? 10 years, after living together for another 12.
2. did it end suddenly or gradually? It was probably dead before it started.
3. when did you start having doubts? Wedding night... when I realized he hadn't said anything about how beautiful I looked.
4. have you remarried, are you dating again, or are you currently single? I am totally done with relationships. Will probably do the Cougar thing for a while.
5. how long have you been divorced? n/a
6. were there any children or pets? Three of mine and three of his from previous marriages. The kids are all grown and independent now.
7. if so, how are you handling custody? n/a
8. what did your family think? My children are encouraging me to leave. They know how unhappy I've been.
9. when did you really know it was over? Just before Christmas, 2014, during an argument wherein he informed me that the marriage counselor we had seen five years ago had advised him to "run like hell" away from me, but that he was willing to overlook all my faults instead because that's how much he loves me. So, the fact that you *deign* to stay married to this piece of damaged goods is proof of your undying love? And for this I should be ever so fucking grateful? Fuck you.
10. was it a mutual decision? Not sure. Whenever we argue he says stuff like, "If you don't like it, why are you still here?" But when I start packing my shit he begs me to stay.
11. if not, who left whom? I've got one foot out the door.
12. what's been the hardest thing for you? I don't have a job and will probably have to survive on student loans.
13. when you got married, did you truly think you'd be together forever? I hoped so.
14. how did the legal proceedings go? He is vindictive. He drug his ex-wife through the mud and strung proceedings out for two years. Things will probably get totally ugly.
15. so . . . . what now? Am secretly sneaking things out of the house and into storage, as often and as much as I can. If he knows I'm leaving and sees me packing, he berates me until my spirit breaks. If I want to get out of here alive, I have no choice but to sneak out like a thief in the night. I could just leave with nothing but---I did that with my first marriage and regretted it. After I've actually left, I plan to finish college and get my teaching degree. I might buy a house while I'm in school--depending on how much I get in the divorce settlement.
So, that's my story. Hope it's cool for me to join, even though I haven't left my husband yet.
So I'm in the early stages of it, still living in the house and all that. I guess this is kind of my way of introducing myself into the community here though it looks like it's a seldom visited place.
1. how long were you married? 18 years
2. did it end suddenly or gradually? Probably could have ended ten years ago.
3. when did you start having doubts? A long time ago with the feelings of distance and loneliness.
4. have you remarried, are you dating again, or are you currently single? I'm in the early stages so...
5. how long have you been divorced? n/a
6. were there any children or pets? Two boys, two girls and two dogs.
7. if so, how are you handling custody? When that time comes, I don't know that's hard to wrap my mind around. To be a PT dad is something I can't think about.
8. what did your family think? Most of them know it's ending and most of them feel sorry. Of course they do because that's what family does, they feel sorry for you.
9. when did you really know it was over? July of this year I knew we were done. There was no talk of MC or trying again. She's done.
10. was it a mutual decision? No, I mean I guess I've always been willing to try but you can't make someone want to be with you.
11. if not, who left whom? n/a
12. what's been the hardest thing for you? Thinking about being away from her and my kids.
13. when you got married, did you truly think you'd be together forever? The funny thing is when I got married I talked about a pre-nup but I was young and without a dime. For some reason I thought that marriages all end but when I got married I thought mine would be different.
14. how did the legal proceedings go? to be determined.
15. so . . . . what now? I wait and see.
I know there are stages of grief. I'm trying to move past the anger and hatred. I did have a good conversation last night with my ex and I woke up feeling better today. I don't want to hate her. I really don't and I want her to be happy. She wants to try again but I don't know if I can do that and I told her just seeing the lack of her involvement with our boys has really changed my opinion of her. I understand how she raised and just with whom her father is, it's the only way she knows. Her parents live outside DC thankfully so we only went there to visit a couple of times. That house was so cold...emotionally and physically. She has a brother (she had two actually) and he's not like them. He's full of life and just such a different person from them. He embraces you when he sees you and you know he means what he's saying to you and you know if he likes you, you're really special. Her mom is quiet. I've known my ex since....sheesh...1998...and I found out in 2004 that there once was another brother that had drowned when he was quite young. My ex didn't even tell me, her other brother did. There's not a trace of him in the entire house. Ben told me it changed them completely and no one really speaks about him and he didn't know why. So I get how she is it's what she knows. When we met though she was fun and funny and she was a Duke alumni and I was UK and we had so much fun with our basketball banter and we would play tricks on the other ones college stuff in the house and we laughed so much. She moved to Columbus for me and she didn't want to. Her dad wanted her back in DC working at his firm. I know the kind of law she does she needs to be closer to DC but she gave that up for me and came here. I know she hates it here & all her real friends are back there. I have 6 sisters and an Italian mother and that can be a lot on a girl. My family is completely different from hers. We're in your business, we're calling each other every day, we're randomly stopping by without notice. It was a huge adjustment for her. It was a big sacrifice. She's told me over and over she wasn't happy here that if we could try it in DC that I would like it and that I would only be 8 hours away from my family. But I was so selfish and scared, Columbus is all I've really known.
So last night when I told her I didn't think I could work it out she told me she was moving back after the divorce is final. She has been looked at by a firm in Baltimore and she will most likely accept it. She said she would come back to Columbus 4 days a month to be with the boys and that they could come there on long weekends and school breaks. She said we could all go and start over. I don't think I can do that. I don't think I could make it without the support of my family. Her family wouldn't really support us. You have to be invited to dinner at her parents house. We crash my parents house weekly and enjoy family dinner all the time. My kids don't really even know her parents and have said they aren't like other grandparents. They would enjoy being around Ben. He loves them. He's the biggest guy I know - 6'3, 275lbs, he played college football at Georgia and now coaches high school football. Has two beautiful daughters and he's an amazing father. He calls my guys every week. He's even come to visit us since the separation.
This is what I find helpful in situations where I feel like I have lost my resolve: private journaling helps, lists help, knowing other devastated but equally fabulous people help. Kind words help. Being objective helps. Putting this here shows the tip of my iceberg, but I'm the ocean holding it too, and everything that moves in my waters, seen and unseen.
Then again maybe I should just pretend that we met, flirted, then had this fun friendship that remains. If only I could forget the sexual conversations, the nights in our bed, , the car rides together, the couch... But how do I forget meeting my perfect match physically???
It’s not just sex, but that is a huge part of it…. Being angry is half-hearted. It’s not just sex, but that is a huge part of it…. I find the thing I miss the most but I haven't named it - I know the love, the words, the fun, the closeness, the touch, the tenderness, the soft hands...I hadn't let myself grieve the sexual side yet. This, this will be so hard. A whole language between us, lost.
So. My ex has always been married to her career. She's an equity partner looking to become a named partner before she's 40 in a law firm. Her dads kinda a big deal in DC so she has big shoes to fill and stops at nothing to do that.
When we were together it was easy and natural for me to keep her up on the kids activities and games and make sure she was there even though she worked while being there.
With her moving out, I put in a lot of effort to remind of the boys soccer and baseball and basketball games and also that they had guitar practice or drum practice or that they were doing the crafts at home depot on this day and time and that she should come. And by remind...I would send her an email each week with the schedule of events and then text her morning noon and after work the day of to remind her. She would make some here and there and as I stated, work the whole time.
So the past month I thought screw that. I'm not her parent either and so I send out a weekly email to her and to my siblings and parents (b/c they have been stepping up to support the boys) and she has maybe hit 1-3 since then - IN A MONTH.
My oldest, Xander, gets so upset he cries the whole way home when she's not there. He almost hyperventalates b/c he is so upset and he is so angry at me. I tell him to call her and ask HER why she didn't make it. And he does this and she tells him some crap that she didn't know or didn't see that email and that maybe I didn't send it.
So now - I have HIM send the email to her, even from his own email account. Did she come this weekend???? NOPE. So when she did show up on Saturday to carve pumpkins with us he asked her flat out "why did you miss my soccer game?" and she says "I didn't know you had one today, no one told me" and he didn't even say a word...just the look on his face was like he finally got it and knows that his mother was a liar. Not that this made me happy b/c then the look on his face showed heartbreak and he excused himself and went to the bathroom and cried.
But you know what? He didn't cry for her when she left that night. He simply said goodbye and gave her a quick hug and he didn't mention her the rest of the weekend.
As much as it broke his heart knowing now whom she really is, it broke mine too.
There's an open bottle of wine being ignored in the kitchen, ripening into a stiff fight. Like sex without foreplay, I want lessons the hard way. I'll just sit here and hurt for a while, wishing I was like that wine, opened and ignored and ripening into a stiff fight.
1. how long were you married? 12 years
2. did it end suddenly or gradually? Suddenly. She cheated.
3. when did you start having doubts? Early on, but then it would get better, but then it would just go back to the same.
4. have you remarried, are you dating again, or are you currently single? Still "separated" waiting for the big D
5. how long have you been divorced? hopefully to come soon.
6. were there any children or pets? 2 boys - 10 & 7ish - Xander & Xayden
7. if so, how are you handling custody? B/c of her job ("career"), they live with me and she sees them when she is available.
8. what did your family think? My family never really liked her b/c she was so controlling and just not a warm person, but they loved me and respected me and was always kind to her. I think they were secretly happy that it ended.
9. when did you really know it was over? April 6th, 2013 when she was caught in the bathroom with my friends husband.
10. was it a mutual decision? Well, see above. :)
11. if not, who left whom? I couldn't forgive her. I think my ego got in the way, but I just couldn't stop thinking about that and I didn't want to punish her for the rest of her life. I thought it was best to leave.
12. what's been the hardest thing for you? Looking at my sons. My oldest really holds anger and resentment towards me. She's now even less available for them and they blame that on me too.
13. when you got married, did you truly think you'd be together forever? That day - yes. I loved her with my whole heart.
14. how did the legal proceedings go? waiting to see.
15. so . . . . what now? I don't know. That's why I am here, well not really. But I just don't think I can call my friends or siblings anymore and complain to them about it. And I don't think they have a "divorced anonymous" out there. I see a therapist but I don't know...I need more people that relate.
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Scott Britton, By the way both Maria the law professor drafting your paperwork, and I have both been there and we can relate to you, each after having had our own divoces. So we really do understand what you are going through.
