If you cannot see my last post then I am sorry but you did not make my LJ friends list cut. It is nothing personal but I cut the people that really don't post often or that I don't really know/have much in common with. I am decided that my friends list should consist of the people I know and care about. If I do not know you, and you want to be added back lemme know... let's chat a little and then we can go from there.
The the ones that I have chatted with many times over the years that were cut. I have made substantial changes in myself in the past few years, and as a result, I may have grown apart from many of you. Once again, that isn't anything personal... we just don't know each other anymore. If you guys want to be added back then IM me and let's get re-aquainted again.
This is pretty ironic that I read this today since last night I was trying to tell someone this, in my own words, last night. This story explains the same feelings in which I am going through at the moment, and also it explains my love of life... (which was what I was trying to explain on the phone last night). I am the boy in the story.
"He rose again from his shadow to contemplate the decision before him. The sun was descending into the west, and he felt it exploding him from behind. A few feet from where his eyes rested upon his young face stood two signs. One sign pointed down a raod where a car awaited to take him into the womb of certainty, should he choose that path. The other sign pointed towards a narrow trail that disappeared into a lush forest. He looked at the sign pointing at the car, Upon it in big black gleaming letters was the word CERTAINTY - 10 Miles. Underneath this word written a bit smaller, it read: ACCEPTANCE and SECURITY. He stared at the sign for a moment before shifting his gaze to the other sign. This sign was older looking and the words were a bit faded- it read: UNCERTAINTY - Miles Unknown. Underneath, like the other sign, were two words: RISK and FREEDOM. The boy became confused and distraught once again as his eyes began to swell with water. Most of his life he had been told that this day would come. They had all said for him to prepare himself and he now knew that this would be the biggest decision he would ever make. A resolution that would decide his life course. Those that were close assured him it would ultimatly be his decision; lead him to certainty. They had all been where he is now, and they would convince him that getting in the car would be th safest way to live his life. Most of them had chosen the path of certainty. They had all sat down in the confort of the car and like most before, had all ended up secure and accepted. But were they happy? Were their hearts singing everyday when they awoke? The boy thought about this as he turned to let the setting sun dry his face. He watched the beautiful merging of the sun and the ocean. The sight seemed to return a calmness that had been absent from his soul. He breathed deep, longing for the ray of light to enter his body, to maybe melt away his emotions. Then, after awhile he closed his eyes and slowly turned to face the inevitable. The boy retracted his eyelids to let all perception enter. He glared at the first sign trying to dismantle the words until they were naked, revealing their true meaning. CERTAINTY... ACCEPTANCE... SECURITY. He couldn't figure out why most of the world was obsessed with obtaining these things, why most deemed this path the safest for ones life. He shifted his eyes to the other sign, looking deep into the words. UNCERTAINTY... RISK... FREEDOM. He repeated the wordsover and over as he read them. Then, slowly but suddenly, quietly but urgently, the revelation crawled into his head and rested upon his brain. The boy quickly looked up, beyond the sign to the trail disappearing into the lush green canopy. Then he glanced at the car. He felt his heart begin to beat harder. He looked back to the trail and the beautiful forest, which eventually enveloped it. The boy watched as a bird took flight from one tree to another. He noticed a squirrel run down the base of a tree and then disappear under a bush. He realized that the animals are not concerned with secutiry or acceptance. They are content with being who they are and they are satisfied with what they have. His breath quickened as he looked back to the car and the looming city beyond. He pondered all the people scurrying around in the shadows of those towering buildings. He wondered if they were content with being who they were. He wondered if they were satisfied with the path they had chosen. The boy concluded that maybe some were, but most of them were still trying to fill the void where their childhood hearts once sang. Most were trying to get somewhere the car would not take them because in this life, nothing is certain. He felt a wonderful burning in the center of his chest, as he finally turned his back to the car forever. As he moved to the head of the uncertian trail, he glanced at the sign which pointed to it. A subtle smile crept across his face. For now he knew what the sign meant. The boy stood before the path of uncertainty, held his head high, and said these words aloud, "This is the route for my life. I know because my heart has shown me the way. This passage will not be an easy one. There will be numerous obstacles blocking my way and many chllenges to overcome; but by doing so I know that I will learn and grow from every experience, pleasant or unpleasant. I understand that by taking this uncertain path, I may risk acceptance and security, and at times life might eb filled with suffering; but if the risk is taken out of life, then there will be no TRUE living. Through the risk of life I'm choosing, ultimately I will be free." Tears of joy began to gather in the boy's eyes as he took the path of uncertainty, because he knew he was following his heart, and his heart had told him to stay true to the dreams of his youth. Just before the boy was consumed by the thickest of trees he looked back over his shoulder to where the car was, he began laughing aloud and singing lovely songs of freedom because the car had vansihed." ~Story by Cregg from Boy Hits Car
PS- To everyone that reads this... PLEASE take this story to the deepest depths of your heart. It isnt too late to change your life, and there is never a bad time to start, only a bad time to quit. I hope this helps some people, as it has helped me by putting my feelings into words.
So yeah today was Chris' birthday. I obviously had to do something special for him so.. that is what I did. He was bored at his dad's when I got off work and I went straight there and picked him up.. we went to get his g/f Sam, and then to get Sara.. (she is my fav chicky of ALL TIME!!!). Since Chris' mom and dad got a divorce it had been really hard on him so I expected that neither of them would do anything for him... (I like his dad.. and he tries.. but he is in a financial fix at the moment.. but his mom doesnt care.. I was shocked that she called him)... anyways.. yeah so I took it into my own hands. I asked my mom if i could have the over for dinner and if we could make him a cake and what not b4 I left to get him. She said yeah and we kept the night a secret. Well when all the picking up of people was done we went back to my house for some good ol' ITALIAN FOOD! He told me that he is glad that he could spend his bday with Sara, Sam, and I... which made me smile. There is no better feeling than knowing I made someones day.. which I continued to do. After that he was bugging me to go online and i told him that he coul go after my dad got off.. and he said ok and walked outside with the 2 chicks... so i grabbed the cake and lit the candle's really fast and went outside and told him that he could use the comp at that time. He walked inside and when he saw the cake he just SMILED from ear to ear and gave me a HUGE hug... but it wasnt over just yet.. he didnt know but I had one more suprise for him... on the way to drop his girl I stopped at a porn video store and bought him some kinky ass porn with a bunch of hot chicks.. LOL! He was embarrsed but told me that it was the best birthday he has ever had... That REALLY made my day to know that I was a part of that... I guess that is what friends are for.. and that also helped me out since I have been down lately... I just think it is stress b/c it isnt anything in particular.. oh well... I LOVE MY FRIENDS... plain and simple!
My band finished our EP.. it is 100% mastered and what have you. Download the songs on our site in my profile if you wish to hear us. One of the songs is more punk... and the other is harder... and they BOTH are worth listening to. IM me if you like us and I might send you the CD!
As for now I am tired, angry, cranky, upset, and single and hating it sooooo I am off to bed to past my shitty day. Sleep seems like the best alternative anyways.
Night everyone.. I hope your day wasnt as bad as mine was! -Mikey!
http://www.losingstreak.net/users/… There you go... That is the link to the Greenhaven site (My band). Well will have MP3's up soon. You should all check that shit out... it will be fun. The Photo Gallery is my fav part tho.. other than the Bio's. Chris has a pic of him with a Booger in his nose! If that isnt worth a look see.. I don't know what is. Well Help us keep the site open by visiting every once in awhile, and for questions and comments email us at:
Last night I didn't sleep much b/c I had ALOT of things on my mind, soooooo I will start from the top... NOTE this is just rambling.. if anyone actually reads this you are either A: really really bored, B: Actually care for some reason, or C: will be hemmoraging by the end of this! LOL!
Now for the good part.. DUN DUN DUHHHHH!
So last night when I was at the hospital I was a few little kids running around while my dad was under the knife... And I was wondering what happened. I have been SOOO wishing to grow up and been actually forcing myself that sometimes.. i dont feel like I am wearing my own shoes. When I saw these kids however... I realized exactly what i was missing. I am going to be the first one in my family to move more than 50 miles away from my family for college.. i am actually moving about 1800+ miles away! I will be living on my own.. with VERY few friends to start out with. I have already made a mistake in a sense by trusting these people SOOO much.. which i feel I can do... but what if when i get there I find out I have made a mistake? That I cant trust these people... then that means there are going to be people that know alot that i dont share with other people! That is a scary thought.. so I seriously hope that I dont have that problem and that I am able to trust these people... bc/ if i do.. I will have some REALLY good friends!
Now for some things I realized about MYSELF! I come off as a very strong person... in the sense that if you don't know me.. I can see how someone might think that i am obsessed or that I am very clingy. I understand now how Brett (cloudbear) thought that i was into him. I talked to him a few times and BOOM I found myseld IMing him everytime he was online and I was always crawling up his ass I guess... which is what I did to Don, Terry, Mike, and I am now finding myself doing that to Cory. Sorry guys.. and anyone that I missed.. I dont know why I do that.. I guess I just enjoy your company. I have been reiterating to Cory that he should call me.. quite often now that I think about it.. and that is a bad thing. I just think that a voice speaks more than words. I like to hear people b/c they have tones and they actually make things more fun than the internet.. as where it is hard for me to say alot of things online b/c I dont want my sarcasm taken as arrogance.. which has happened b4. I guess as a note to everyone that further heres from me... This is how I am.. I will try to stop it.. but I dont know how much that will work. I am different in person b/c then I dont need to press b/c well I will be there so I am SUPER laid back.. (people in Denver.. u will soon see that.. LOL!)
I was talking to my mom last night while my dad was on the table as well.. and we were talking about CO. I told her that I am actually comfortable now being gay.. U had a few things that i didnt like.. but a few people that i have been talking to me lately realized that it WAS a part of me.. and I should be happy with it. I think I warmed up to it b/c they were comfy in there shoes.. and I never realized how happy that made me. They talked to me about some things dealing with being gay and for some reason it hit me.. like all me fears left and BOOM.. now my shoes are as gay and flamming multi-colored as they have even been! I have been learnign alot of things lately.. and I guess that is a sign of maturity... which i view as a VERY good thing. Anyways.. not for the main thing about CO that i was originally going to get into. I was talking to my mom and for some reason out of every college I could have went to... she felt that Colorado was the right one for me. Funny thing is that so do I. We both have no idea how out of all the places that were possible prospects CO stuck out.. but it did. My mom feels that it is the only one that she would want me going to... and I am happy. She told me that her and my dad dont want me to go.. but she feels that CO is out of her control and that something is telling her that it is the right thing. My dad however doesnt want me to go.. btu he is listening to my mom and I on this one. I am glad that i have his support. My mom feels that i am leading the life that My Papa (grandfather on my mom's side of the family) was never ALLOWED to lead. I seriously hope that i can fill his shoes.. adn I hope she is right. My mom is religious on a personal basis only so she feels that it is an act of god that My life is turning out the way it is. Her and I both agree that i am ready for MOST of what I will face and that by the time that i leave it will be my time to go. Sucks in a way since I know that i will be VERY VERY VERY homesick.. but I feel it is the right thing to do as well. I knwo that I am ready for alot of what I will be faced with.. but I know more truely that i wont hav a CLUE what the fuck hit me in many cases.. and I am actually happy about that.. rather than being scared. I am worried about my dad tho.. he is going to have probably the hardest time letting me leave.. and there is nothing I can do, that i already dont do. I give him as much reassurance and love that I can give. I dont know.. that is gonna be a huge burden knowning that my family will be happy on the ouside but in agony on the inside. .. **WOOT.. I am crying right now.. DAMNIT** emotional shit.. hahaha I hate it. anyways.. so that is all another thing that has been going on in my head
Yet more things.. my friends.. I will miss Sara, Chris, Gerard, Matt, Mitch, Chris H., Vicky (in a sense), Tug (in a sense), Sean-O... and that is about it. Not to pick and choose.. but I wil miss Sara, Chris S., and Gerard most... they have been the closest to me lately and yeah.. I owe them alot. Sara and Gerard are the only ones that seem to realize the reason why I am leaving and instead of holding it against me as taking away a part of there lives.. they support me in choosing to further explore my own life. I know they all mean well... especially Chris since him and Sara are my best frineds.. but yeah.. he seems to take it too personal that i am leaving and also thinks that the band is like THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD THAT MATTERS! Sorry bud.. btu yeah, College is alittle more importnant to me.. i have a better chance of making a serious career in art than I do playing guitar! Out of all of them Chris si going the be the one that i worry about most... he has alot of things to learn.. and now I am not gonna be there at his every move to help him.. and that scares me since I feel that I help him alot and that he looks to me when he need guidence. If you read this man.. The most I will ever be is a phone call away. Anyways, I wish u guys all the best of luck.. but yup.. that is all I can offer is my support.. I did my part in making all u bastards meet and get into the band.. SO I DEMAND a shout out on your record and free merch when you guys get big! Good luck fellas!
Well my dad just called TOTALLY killed my train of thought.. SO yeah.. I guess this entry ends here!
<3 Mikey
PS- I hope that I am not making a wrong decision in trusting you all in CO! I am getting away from FL b/c I need a new start.. please make my trust worthwhile!
Yeah... So I was pissed.. btu then I realized.. FUCK HIM. I will meet him in person and if stuf goes good.. then awesome.. if not that that is a shame, since yeah I could see a good outcome with us in our friednship, but it isnt needed. I was soo bent out of shape b/c of how reckless and irresponsable he has been acting, but I am tired of the empathy. His life is his and my life is mine. We all make our own choices and people dont have to like them.. so yeah. Why the hell was I getting all sad and upset? Oh well...
On a GREAT note.. I was talking to this guy.. and WOW.. he is sooo cool.. If things go good with us... maybe I will go and visit him.. I think it would be fun to go hang out with him his friends and his boyfriend. It should be really fun actually. I need to meet some people that I can just kick back and joke with... I think that is why I like Sara so much... I can be myself 100% and still be accepted and comfortable. I can't do that with anyone else.. and I need that. THANKS SARA... I LOVE YOU! I am gonna take her with me when I go visit... if I do.. Sara, Cory, Ryan, and last but not least Hannes are the only ones today that seemed to make me smile... thanks guys! It was MUCH needed! Wow.. I got soo happy.. it ROCKS! I think that my thyroid may be off tho... I kinda have been down alot lately for no reason... so I am planning on getting that checked out. I also get to go to my heart doctor in about a month.. I have made impecable progress... so yeah he might declare me as clinically healthy.. I hope so.. then that means I will be able to do alot more stuff that I was never able to do. Not that I dont already do the majority of it anyways.. (yeah I am a rebel... but I mean ya only live once.. and I dont wanna regret not taking the oppurtinuty to do something I have always wanted to do when my time comes). I wish I could talk to a few people on the phone tho.. instead of just online.. a voice tells so much more about a person than some text in an IM window! Oh well.. I am finally getting schooled more about the gay community.. and for some reason I am liking being gay lately. There is only one thing that sucks about it.. (Sara.. sorry I wish I could change stuff b/c everything is there.. but hey.. it seems to make us closer friends... and I wouldnt change that for the world!!). I am thinking of going to "Pride" with my Sara Bear. that is when I would plan on visiting.. plus I would also get to see a friend I havent seen in a LONG time.. Jamie! You rock kid! JUNE 21st-27th!! TORANTO baby... I wanna go soo bad.. LOL It would be SOOO fun.. So I will prlly end up going.. but I need money, passport, and a place to stay.. so I might have to start looking into hotels and such now. I would prolly stay the whole week! God it would be soooo fun.. I hope everything works well... and even if Cory and I rnt talking... (don't see why we wouldnt be... but ya never know.. **sighs, thinking of the reason I am kinda down**) I migth still go anyways just for the experience of going. That is one of the things I think that I woudl regret not doing when my time comes.. LOL! Well I hope everyone has a good night.. I am sure that I will since my mind is filled with fun and laughter rather than emathy and sorrow!
ecstatic
touched
horny
bored
dorky