Hello lovelies!
Just wanted to let you all know that I am NOT dead - just busy with school and friends and all that good stuff (am also struck with pro-longed writers block, but we needn’t dwell on that, hehe). However, I do intend to start posting stuff on here again, whether it be blogs or fic. Don’t really know yet! Anyways, thought I’d post this for now! As always, comments are utterly joyful happenings in my life (but you may not have much to respond to on this)! :)
So, my birthday happened sort of recently I guess, and as tradition has always held true, I spent the day pondering the past year. Here's what I came up with:
1. I am eternally thankful for LJ/DW/Fanfic in general - it has provided me with a creative outlet and I am so glad I discovered this whole, secret world. It is utterly mind boggling how many great writers/artists there are out there, and I'm just so glad that I’ve allowed myself to be inducted into the madness! I've met - well not exactly met, but communicated - with some truly wonderful, talented people through this whole phenomenon, and I just feel so honored to be a part of it all. So yeah, you guys are great. xoxo
2. I'm finally coming out of some really rough years. I'm finally starting to feel happy again, and even though I still feel lonely and depressed sometimes, I've found that there are always a couple of people willing to listen. I still wonder sometimes why I am the way I am, but I've also learned to appreciate all my little eccentricities and love myself all the more for them. I've had a major self confidence boost over the course of this year, and although I've aways been really secure in that area, I just feel really good about myself. It's hard to explain I guess, but I think it's also a mental shift in perception as well as physical.
3. I am actually capable of DOING shit that I want to, even if it's hard. I've always been a very determined person, but sometimes there are things that make me feel uncomfortable or exposed and I back away from them. You can't tell from here, but I'm actually a really closed off person and I only allow people to see what I want them to see. This can be a really useful skill, but it also gets in the way of my "friends" knowing the real me, and false appearances grow stale after a while. However, I've finally broken down that barrier, and much of this accomplishment is due to my involvement in Forensics. At my last competition I performed an original prose piece, and I went to semis with it - something which I really didn't expect. But the significance of this piece in particular was the fact that it was pretty much me cutting myself open and laying my heart out for everyone to see. I exposed myself for scrutiny, and I'm really proud of the fact that I actually had the balls to do it, even if I cried my way through my first round. (the crying actually added dramatic effect, so it was okay that I had a massive break down DURING my performance).
4. I know what I want to do with my life. And yes, there are still many things which I doubt, and I know I am so, so young and I still have a lot to learn about myself, but...I finally know what I want, and what I can offer. And the importance of this isn't the gift that I have, but more that I am finally aware of having it and being able to devote it to something which might make other people happy. Yay :)
5. I am scared of falling in love. And I chase the things I am frightened of, and then run away screaming. So yeah, I've fallen in love twice before (not counting CKR, PG, and HD, lol), and both times were utterly shitty. However, I learned a lot, so I actually don’t think that I would redo any of it if I had that opportunity. It’s just too much that I would have missed out on.
6. I think the best of people, and then as soon as they do something that ticks me off just the tiniest bit, I am convinced that they are horrible, villainous fiends. Yeah. It's really annoying actually, but I think I'm starting to get a little better about this. I've had a lot of problems keeping friends this year because I guess I sort of turn into a psycho bitch if somebody I care about makes a tiny little mistake. But, I finally swallowed my pride and apologized to Sarah (one such victim of my strange character flaw), and we're definitely on the mend. I think I just missed her too much after I realized she didn't want anything to do with me when I was acting like such a cunt. But yeah, I'm definitely getting better. Much more giving.
7. My friendship with Adelle wasn't real. Yeah, it sort of sucks, but I don't feel any sadness when I think about our relationship and its sudden end. There were some irreconcilable differences between us, and the more and more I think about it, I realize that our friendship was really just an illusion that we had created. We were both extremely lonely, and we needed someone, anyone, just to show people that we weren’t alone. We wove this mirage to prove to everyone else that we did have something worth living for, but false images wear thin, and I finally realized that there was a lot about her which I just couldn't take. I feel no sadness. Only regret that I pushed so many people away because of this one girl who really didn't mean much to me in the end.
8. I am extremely grateful that I met and loved Kasper, and I am over him. I only think of the whole thing in France with fondness and gratitude. In a sense, he sort of saved my life and I'm never going to forget that. I remember him with so much warmth in my heart, but I have realized that it never could have never worked between us long term. But while it was there, it was perfect. And that’s finally good enough for me.
9. I’m just not like most other people my age. I don’t know why, and I think you’d have to see me in a group to know exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve never really fit with the rest of my grade, and maybe part of that comes from being a year older than everybody else. I am nineteen, but most of the kids I’ve known since grade school are still seventeen. It’s sort of weird. And I feel really different, but I’ve learned to love it.
10. I’m still me.
imaginethetruth(M. Willoughby) 
accomplished
determined
bored
thoughtful
complacent
giggly
relaxed
bouncy