i don't flirt any more, so i don't get the affirmation of knowing i'm desirable. the people who used to crush on me don't anymore, so i don't get the implication to think i'm desirable. so, how am i supposed to feel desirable?
i posted this on julia murney's journal, but i am cross posting it here.
so, on may 18, i went to the fox theatre in atlanta to see wicked. this little cutie painted green stepped on stage and the audience applauded. a bit later she sang for the first time. my heart stopped, and i wondered 'am i the only one hearing this?' when she finished, the place erupted like it was a rock concert. i have seen more performances at the fox in my lilfetime than i can count. (mom was a theatre major in college.) i have never heard a voice like hers on any stage, radio, tv, movies, anywhere. i had to meet her. i waited at the stage door. after a while, a woman stepped out and told us she had left already and we missed her. no sooner had we heard this than my new flame walked out onto the stairs. she was beautiful, charming, and so kind to her fans. i told her she is amazing. she seemed pleased. since then, i have discovered youtube.com and go every day to watch some clip of julia murney. i am head over heels. i am happily 'married'/partnered, and my wife knows of my new love. she says i need a 12-step program. i think i just need the chance to take miss julia murney out to a karaoke bar. we'd have a blast, and i can be cool. she just seems like she'd be great to hang with. so down to earth. and then, there's that voice. wow. just wow. unmatched. so, that's my story. unfortunately, i just found this journal, so i missed satc sunday night. oh, well. bet she didn't sing, so i'm not too broken up. ain't love grand. ;)
i forgot to add that i bought her new cd and love it.
Strictly Ballroom is a fantastic movie. I have a ridiculous love affair with this beautiful little movie. Nevermind I seem to enjoy whatever Paul Mecurio does (even Exit to Eden, yes), this film is just the right mixture of mushy and fun and silly and even intense. It's an updated and Australian Dirty Dancing... getting everything right this time. There's even some rythym-in-your-heart referencing, minus the classicly bad "gah-gunk." I was inspired to surf the web for PM and was delighted to find he has a blog. Unfortunately, the most recent entry hs to do with his resentment of the film and how it is all he is regularly recognized for. Oh, well. It brings me joy. :) Go rent a copy... better yet, buy it. If you don't love it, I'll probably buy it off of you.
amy ray's new album, prom, is great. i love it. except this one line: "you cut yourself like a highschool kid. i did it once. everybody did."
um, amy... way to trivialize an expression of serious pain and hopelessness. yeah, i know teens are more angsty than the rest of us and therefore more likely to express it. and, yeah, more self-destructive. so, i see how you thought of the line. but, there's a reason it's taboo. it's serious. it's not like dying your hair green and getting a tattoo of a bleeding unicorn on your ankle.
i am going to share something i wrote some time ago, when i was testing myself as a writer (no call yet on that):
"She brushed away the irreverent tear from her own cheek with the back of a hand. She was all at once grateful it had come at last and angered at her own weakness. So confusing. The razor had left neat little rows on her arm, glistening red. She prided herself on being able to release just enough blood to form a stream across the slice without spilling over. Everything under her control. Just to feel something, something controlled and of her own doing. That was the whole point of this little exercise, an increasingly frequent pastime for her. No one could interfere here, and every cut released that much more tension. At first, there was nothing. Then, finally, a tingle. She was never sure if it was pleasure or pain. Probably both. Then, without her ever knowing it, without feeling it come or willing it to drop, a bit of moisture would escape from her eyes. A reminder that she was human, that there was a soul in there somewhere that could be touched and would react. A hope that she, at least, could draw it out…with a tiny silver blade."
so, yeah, i've known teens to cut. i've also known adults - parents of my peers - to do it. and, no, i completely disagree that "everybody did" try it once. i'd say most people didn't. but, i guess i could be wrong. just seems like you should find out before you sing about it so shruggingly.
besides that, it's a great album. pick up a copy. it rocks! :)
my wife now blogs almost daily. she talks about current events and projects she has taken on.
a friend of ours now blogs, mostly about her bizarre dreams.
all of this seems safe. interesting, but safe. somehow i don't feel safe on here. or like safe is really me, perhaps. though, i suppose my blogging about their blogging is pretty safe, too. guess i should dive in, if i'm a-divin'.
i like myself. this is new and different as of the last year or two. not that i was ever bad, just lacking somehow. and, yet. i still freak when i mess up and assure my wife that "i am a good girl." she brought this to my attention last week, so i've put thought into it. it seems to be a vestige of my fretting over my falling short of perfection, which used to seem like not only an attainable goal but the only option. i was never good enough for anyone while growing up, and it apparently seeped in. it led to my anorexia - kindof a physical manifestation of both "yeah, but i deny myself food as punishment" and "yeah, but i can be thinner (ie - better)." through therapy and true love (the best therapy), i've let go of punishing myself for not being something i never recognized in the first place. i am me. and a damn good me, too. i wish i made more money, but otherwise i'm peachy. not perfect, but perfect for me - another lesson learned from my dear wife.
and yet, i feel like i am failing my wife somehow, because i cannot give her everything her whim might desire. not that she asks for anything or is unhappy (she assures me of that), but something in me wants to anticipate her desires and fulfill them before she even knows she's had them. she deserves it. not sure how to let go of that, though i have some creative ideas. just something to work on, i suppose...
she's supposedly looking for something for me. it's been ten minutes. i'd hang up, but then i'd get a busy signal when i called back....
so, r mentioned me in her blog that i stumpled upon. not sure what to make of it. its a good thing, i suppose, that she mentions me and calls me her friend. odd, though, since she still won't speak to me. i wonder what's going on there. she's not a bad person. she's one of my very best friends and i love her. something's up.
anyhoo, e and i are trying to make holiday plans... still. and trying to get holiday gifts... still. almost got it all taken care of, though.
oo, the post office people came back. off the phone now.
hm. suddenly don't have much more to say. guess i'll try again later.
well, here i am. usually fairly verbose online. not feeling particularly verbose in general, lately.
i love my wife. that much is certain. have you met her? she's great. once you meet her, you'll love her. everyone does. she's just that great. and cute, too. i used to say you could keep that thought to yourself, but i've mellowed, so feel free to agree.
why is it hard to connect with people. well, why is it so hard for *me* to connect with people? didn't used to want to, so maybe i forgot how. are people not interested in connecting or just lazy? my wife (see above) has no problem connecting. people gravitate to her. it's nice to witness. maybe i could learn from her.
why has one of my best friend's cut me off. i honestly can't think of a thing i did wrong. maybe i talked about myself too much, but she hasn't talked to me in like 10 months, won't return my phonecalls or emails. if i did something, you'd think she'd at least yell at me for it. i've apologized for whatever i did in my messages. we think her husband doesn't want her to talk to me, for sketchy reasons, which sucks, because there's no real reason for it. i miss my friend.
i love the holidays. it's beginning to look a lot like christmas... well, feel like it anyway. it's sunny and fairly warm for christmas, even down here. still got a month i suppose.
rejected
blah