hm. 6 months...
so, yeah, it's been 6 months...
my wife now blogs almost daily. she talks about current events and projects she has taken on.
a friend of ours now blogs, mostly about her bizarre dreams.
all of this seems safe. interesting, but safe. somehow i don't feel safe on here. or like safe is really me, perhaps. though, i suppose my blogging about their blogging is pretty safe, too. guess i should dive in, if i'm a-divin'.
i like myself. this is new and different as of the last year or two. not that i was ever bad, just lacking somehow. and, yet. i still freak when i mess up and assure my wife that "i am a good girl." she brought this to my attention last week, so i've put thought into it. it seems to be a vestige of my fretting over my falling short of perfection, which used to seem like not only an attainable goal but the only option. i was never good enough for anyone while growing up, and it apparently seeped in. it led to my anorexia - kindof a physical manifestation of both "yeah, but i deny myself food as punishment" and "yeah, but i can be thinner (ie - better)." through therapy and true love (the best therapy), i've let go of punishing myself for not being something i never recognized in the first place. i am me. and a damn good me, too. i wish i made more money, but otherwise i'm peachy. not perfect, but perfect for me - another lesson learned from my dear wife.
and yet, i feel like i am failing my wife somehow, because i cannot give her everything her whim might desire. not that she asks for anything or is unhappy (she assures me of that), but something in me wants to anticipate her desires and fulfill them before she even knows she's had them. she deserves it. not sure how to let go of that, though i have some creative ideas. just something to work on, i suppose...
my wife now blogs almost daily. she talks about current events and projects she has taken on.
a friend of ours now blogs, mostly about her bizarre dreams.
all of this seems safe. interesting, but safe. somehow i don't feel safe on here. or like safe is really me, perhaps. though, i suppose my blogging about their blogging is pretty safe, too. guess i should dive in, if i'm a-divin'.
i like myself. this is new and different as of the last year or two. not that i was ever bad, just lacking somehow. and, yet. i still freak when i mess up and assure my wife that "i am a good girl." she brought this to my attention last week, so i've put thought into it. it seems to be a vestige of my fretting over my falling short of perfection, which used to seem like not only an attainable goal but the only option. i was never good enough for anyone while growing up, and it apparently seeped in. it led to my anorexia - kindof a physical manifestation of both "yeah, but i deny myself food as punishment" and "yeah, but i can be thinner (ie - better)." through therapy and true love (the best therapy), i've let go of punishing myself for not being something i never recognized in the first place. i am me. and a damn good me, too. i wish i made more money, but otherwise i'm peachy. not perfect, but perfect for me - another lesson learned from my dear wife.
and yet, i feel like i am failing my wife somehow, because i cannot give her everything her whim might desire. not that she asks for anything or is unhappy (she assures me of that), but something in me wants to anticipate her desires and fulfill them before she even knows she's had them. she deserves it. not sure how to let go of that, though i have some creative ideas. just something to work on, i suppose...