I have the interview for the position today I really don’t know how it went. In my bones I felt I biffed a couple of the questions, but after talking to the only other really competition feel better about my chances
Well the hat is in the ring for the next position at work. It’s really only a few extra duties to what I have co-opted so far but the pay would be a needed boost and it would be a step on the career ladder the right time. I have some real fear of failure on this, but I know that I’m not afraid I’m not moving fast enough.
In a related issue I am unsure about church this week. The sermon was good, about perfecting oneself to be the image of Christ. That we should be walking out in out daily life, as examples to our brethren and to those of the world of good Christians. That we should be visible in the world as appears. This runs very contrary to my instincts to minimize my visibility.
Over the course of the last 5 months at this church I feel I have accomplished a fair bit. I have started to set aside money for charity, I have doubled or tripled my prayers both in volume and intensity, I have begun to both read the bible, and to study it I have put away the drink, pornography, cable television, and the proceeds of theft. While I am still struggling I feel I am gaining ground. Greed, lust, avarice, and sloth, are all being worked though to some progress perhaps for the first time ever.
I can admit this is progress is springing from a strength that is not my own. That his has been aided by the focus of on word and the help of those around me, but I recognize the aid of the Devine and know it working on me. I balk however at showing myself outwardly.
I might vainly look upon it as a tax collector in silent virtue muttering my silent prayers, but I know rather it is so contrary to me not to hide myself under a bushel. In my form, aspect, and intellect I find myself set apart from my fellow man. I have endeavored much to blend in as a limited fashion as I am able. I just don’t know about being so forward with another factor of ‘separation’ I am afraid, I wonder if I’m moving fast enough.
Yesterday was a disappointment mixed with good news
I had been scheduled for a class to learn the basic of the IP side of things. One benefit that hadn’t occurred to me until Sunday evening is that it would allow me to attend the annual meeting this Wed. Sadly this class was canceled yesterday not an hour after I learned I would have a new schedule that would allow me to attend mid week prayer services. I initially chalked it up to loss of a battle but winning the war, however occurred to me in the late afternoon haw disappointed I was in the results and that I wished to be their this week as well
I approached the supervision and advised them of my desires to leave earlier, advised that without the cancellation I would have been able to go and ‘outed’ myself on activity I had planed. It was consented almost before I opened my mouth. I was so worried about further exposing my beliefs to my fellows, though it was much easier bring it up this time. It may seam as a baby step, but the sensation of motion for me is stunning
While am a little worried about the Church meeting itself. I am well aware of my parent’s abandonment of the Church they were married in due to the ugliness he perceived in the church meeting, but I cannot fathom desiring to join this body unless I see them at their worst. I am more hopeful for the evening than that but it is a time of stress and that can have a clarifying effect, either way.
New schedules are about to be announced and my labors at the later shift have not gone unheeded. I have been tentatively been offered have accepted a schedule that starts at 9 and would have me out at six. This has several positive out followings. First and foremost it will allow me to go to wed night prayer meetings, literally an answer to my prayers. It means getting home early enough that I could go out socially and attend lectures in the area, and a commute that a good 40 min less, going and coming.
In addition Sunday’s sermon was gangbusters. It was based of the prodigal son parable with an eye to the concerns of the non prodigals as well. Moreover it dealt with issues I have been resolving within my life about adherence and failures fully adhere to so to the varied prohibitions that the Baptist advocates, some of which I do not even concede worthy of trespass at the moment. An incredible sermon speaking to issues I was dealing with and focused on a parable I have always had issues with.
Heck even the evening ‘workshop’ was fruitful with a round table brainstorming on efforts. I was sat at a table with one of the deacons, 2 seminary students, and assorted wives and children. The conversation was spirited and many ways truly pluming the depths of the issues: On how we become a church that is demographically what our community is becoming, and a second point how we become a church whom raises up new church leadership from within our ranks.
Since Wed I have been working an earlier shift at the job covering for a coworker that has been transferred to another dept. It has been a bit of a Mini Vacation for me. The hours are early enough I that I can catch the 12 bus downtown there and back that’s a commute in 40-50 min each way rather than 80-90. In addition my lunch as been at 1pm, when every restaurant is open and have oodles of lunch specials. I had falafel & gyros combo on wed and General Tao’s chicken with curry puffs.
In addition I was able to swap my earlier shift on Wed with a coworker for a shift half an hour earlier which allowed me to make it to Wed night bible study and Prayer services. I enjoyed it but once more it highlighted the difference in the way that I pray and Baptists seem to play. The even consisted of study of the 150th psalm, then the preparation of prayer lists, complete with flurried pens noting then a separation into groups that prayer those lists…..
It was further illuminating in a way however on the different was that way appear to pray. The Quaker roots make me seek out silent prayer and make me feel awkward vocalizing. I found that this issue combined with the efforts of attempting to read a list of items really hampered the experience for me. Towards the end I put down the list and just emoted, my thoughts of G-d, almost preaching more so than praying. When it was over it met with approval, though one wonder what the word succored meant.
The issues is when I emote in this fashion I can say some crazy ass things and a leash in future may be required. Moreover I’m not sure if it’s appropriate as a form of prayer, and I think I might benefit more if I squirreled myself away in a corned and prayed quietly. I just don’t think I can I do it as they do, even when I was laundry list praying, I found a was praying about the same items in different ways than they were.
Well there is a lot going on here so it get’s its own update
Matt is probably the biggest interaction change. He is married guy at church who has a few years on me( Also wife and a kid) whom takes the issues of the faith easily as seriously as I do. He invited me to his birthday party a couple of weeks ago and it turned it into a roundtable of sharing stories and experiences with his some of kin and a few folks from church. We both attend the morning prayers on Sunday that precede bible study and service. He has extended to me an invitation to join his family for Easter. We have plans to attend a lecturer on Creationist theory in the latter part of the month, and he provided me some recoding on the theory to prep. I am unsure if he sees me as a fellow traveler, a ‘younger brother,’ or a mentoring project but I believe he regards me as similarly focus regardless. May well be in time the friend I have been praying for….
I also seem to connecting with more and more folks form church. An older couple took me out to lunch, Mathew and his wife. I intend to invite them out to ribs later as they attested a love of Famous Dave’s. I continue to serve as a witness to the Bible College’s student’s effort to bring something out of each sermon, and study the Bible which unfolds like a Carmel roll, layer upon layer packed with treasures.
The X factor mentioned above in my finances is my contribution to the Church and its missionaries. I still am resolving what I feel is a just and acceptable contribution to the Church. As it happens though they had a missionary come through giving a lecture on efforts on spreading the gospel through India. I had been impressed but out Pastor had challenged the families to raise the funds perhaps to purchase a bicycle. In truth it humbled me in grate detail for if a family of four could find a way to squeeze out those funds how much easier should it be for me?
In efforts towards resolving the issues with Doctrine that keep me from proclaiming myself a Baptists I have been looking into my church’s endorsement of Creationist origins. I would hardly call me self an adherent of Evolution but I have never truly heard the arguments for the creationists so I had been looking for an opportunity to hear the points. I couldn’t get to a lecture on 4-18 at a local College, but Matt showed me a ½ day seminar on a sat towards the end of month and it looks like were both going. He’s even leant me some prelim disks to review. I’ve listened through it and didn’t find much substance. The recordings are enjoyable, and filled with thought, but primarily filler and not much meat. Of course I have only listened to a effort meant for general consumption I am hopeful that the lecture will further address Creationist thought. If not they recording mentions a college course on the maternal, and that may have a more systematic approach that my burdensome intellect requires.
I have several continuing fears so far that all revolve around a fear of rejection. I still harbor some fear of rejection in reverence to my Quaker origins, though that cat has been at least partially debagged on this. I have a fear that I will encounter some piece of Doctrine I cannot affirm I will be as an outcast. I have a fear of the Baptist’s belief in witnessing the truth about the gospel to others as an obligation of the faith and the target for ridicule that could make me. I have a fear that the changes occurring in me are to much for those limited number of associates I retain that I will be unwelcome among them.
It looks like I am returning to addressing the classic sins in my effort at wrestling with true repenting. I am being pricked again on Greed and my single lotto ticket habit, but I still find myself vexed and distracted more by not purchasing it than by the small focus on greed that purchasing includes. Lust seams almost ever present, rolling beneath the surface, and fighting it has become harder since I am attempting to direct myself without the … vents I allowed myself prior. Sloth is still there, but I am more active now so perhaps were on the road to recovery there. I guess the sin I most want to address is Pride, because I see it, more and more as the keystone sin. Unsure to start now, but these efforts start with focus on the problem, at least in prior efforts that has been a good starting point.
In truth i seem to be in spiritually productive period of my life. Its moves so fast i can barley keep up. With the grace of G-d i will manage, if i am granted such an undeserved treasure. To do so is my earnest hope and my heart’s desire.
Thanks to 18.5 hours of OT in a 2 week period (ugh), but I have it. It’s the video one 30 gb. I also picked up silicon protectors in matte back with included screen cover. It matches my headphones nicely not s I also picked up a little music and the second season of Battlestar Galactica (because it’s a video ipod and I needed a video =P)
Sad thing is that while I am sure I’ll watch it I have so much other stuff. Matt from Church game me a couple of audio tracts on Creationist thought. (more on that later) I have my Rush 24/7 and I just found these radio play pod casts made out of Girl Genius by its creator.
Economics
I am also so broke until next week but I have only myself to blame (ipod+ case+ music+ videos + x = empty wallet), where X equals Item to be named further in the update. Though this is a unique case I have noted I am much tighter than I had been operating in the last year or two I am sill addressing the ‘relative’ pay cut I took for taking this job I also are bit under the gun to find lasting economic solutions as the garnishment for student loans should begin again at any time. That combined with 401k use may put me in ramen, and not just as a ‘lesson in simplicity’
Probably the oddest thing is the new I had from Block in ref to my taxes. Apparently I will have a sizable return that will put me well on the way to saving a down payment for a home/condo. The odd thing is this Idea just occurred to me about 2 months ago and I have done the math and could have the sum saved within a year after this.
The Job
Well its humming along. Progress to promotion, but I have come to the realization a that A: I want to do well and seek promotion B: To do that I might have to pull the knives on some decent folks, the read is seldom clear
I my bus was running late and had to transfer busses at another stop than I normally would have
I was lost in thoughts, the mind else ware… zoning as I am wont to on the fist leg of the 2.5 hour commute I sped out of the doors and as the bus trundled away I realized I had not mealy unplugged my ipod in the vacating process I has left it on the bus . . .
I have been encourage to call lost and found by one of my co workers graham and I will, but in reality it’s a 300 dollar lump of electronics that I just pissed away
I cannot believe how foolish this is . . It will be at least 2 to 3 months before I can dream of replacing it … Three months of horrendous commutes …
anxious
pleased
pensive
blah