omg so much pain it's not even funny. I can't even walk from my recliner in the living room to the kitchen without gasping for air. so much shaking and tremors with my hands it takes me forever to type anything anymore. it just took me 6 times to type the word "hands" there and that was on my computer keyboard, not my phone. couldn't sleep last night, no comfortable position where I could still breathe. I can't stay awake for about 80% of the day. and here's the creepy part.. I can hear like water sloshing around inside my lungs like when you have ice water in a cooler or something. I think my COPD is starting to rage, it feels like my body is starting to give out. *sigh* I need a miracle.
well wouldn't ya know it, the day after I posted that last entry and I seemed to notice some improvement in the darkness under my eyes after all, even in the bathroom light. so I guess I'll keep doing it a little longer, probably just goes slower for me because I have so much more than most people have. boy the last few days for me have been so slow. I've just wanted to do nothing but lie in bed and watch TV most of the day. I didn't though, the main reason being that I can't fit my TV in the bedroom, or my bed in the living room, unless I move the coffee table that I dinner on out of the way. but bringing the mattress out there would be a pain in the butt anyway, plus I'd be way too close to the TV. plus, considering that everything is boring old reruns for the next 3+ months anyway, totally not worth it.
there have also been no good music releases in a while, at least like 3 months since a really good one has come out. I'm still trying to find like 3 different things that have supposedly been out since like january or something and nobody has them anywhere online. this seems to be a weak year for overall entertainment value so far. but thank you X Marks The Pedwalk for their new album "Secrets".. I thought the one from a few years ago "The Sun, The Cold, and My Underwater Fear" was gonna be impossible to beat, but I think they might have actually done it. I'll have to go over it again a couple more times, but we'll see. that's really the only good album I have on my Top CD list this year so far, and I only have 1 song on my Top Songs list, and the year is almost half over already. pretty sad.
well I wasn't gonna drag this subject out for a 3rd entry, but there's really nothing else to talk about after 17 days. I still can't tell if there's any difference under my eyes. just like in the last entry, it kinda looks different outside in the light but in my bathroom still no change at all. so I'm guessing that now that it's been about 6 weeks that I've been doing this and I can't tell if there's been any change, that probably means it's not working. so I guess I'm gonna stop, no reason to keep doing it. I figure I should have seen at least a little bit of change by now, and I probably am messing up my vision, since after all lemon juice is acid. I suppose pouring acid into your eyes every day isn't exactly the best thing for them. so I guess it's just live with it, yet another big blow to my physical appearance that I can't get rid of and that's going to screw me over in job interviews. thank you life. please give me more.
well, it's been like 3-4 weeks now of using the lemon juice to try to get rid of the darkness under my eyes. I don't know how long it takes for it to work because the articles didn't say, they just said you COULD see results in as little as a week, but they didn't say what was normal. so I don't know if it's still too early to expect anything yet, but it's about the same as it was in my last entry a few weeks ago. in the natural light outside it looks a little bit better, but in my bathroom with the fluorescent light it still looks about the same as it was a month ago before I started. so I don't know what to think about it yet.
I wonder if I'm doing any damage to my vision or anything, because it definitely stings when it gets in there. I also sometimes forget to close my mouth when I do it and then I get it in there too.. haha.. the worst thing though is when I do it the same day I shave, all that nice acidic juice running down the freshly raw, cut-up, shaven, extra-sensitive skin of my face. imagine how good that feels.
I guess I'll keep doing for a while to see how much it changes, but I would think after almost a month I should have at least seen something by now.
I read a few articles last week that mentioned that lemon juice can help get rid of the darkness under your eyes, because it actually bleaches your skin, so I thought I'd try that. it says to dab it on with a cottonball and leave it on for 20 minutes then rinse it off. but after 1 day of doing it that way, I thought since my case is sooooo much worse than a normal case that they're probably talking about, I'd just leave it on and not rinse it off. it said you could start to see results in about a week, and since it has now been a week.. I'm a little unsure still as to whether it's working. when I look at my eyes out in the daylight and the sun, they look a little better than when I started, but when I look in the ugly fluorescence of my bathroom lighting, they look pretty much the same as before. so I can't really tell, but I'm guessing it's probably somewhere about halfway in between those 2 results.. I think it might be working a little bit, and it's only been a week, so I'm not expecting a miracle. yet. at least this is something I can do for my appearance and a little self-esteem boost that I can actually afford.
I've always wondered what I did in life to have it come to where it is now with me basically wishing I was dead but being too scared to do anything about it. karma, or the golden rule, or whatever jewish people call it.. what did I do to someone or something? I don't believe in previous lives or next lives so it must have been something in the time I've been alive. but I finally realized (a while ago actually, just didn't think about publicizing it till now) what the problem is with my life and why it always goes so wrong.. I've basically been trying to live my life like a sitcom. I mean why not, everything is so fun.. you almost always get what you want, and if you don't, just wait around for about 1/2 hour and everything will get taken care of for you, it's usually a happy ending. plus nothing bad really ever happens in the world, you hardly ever get sick, and seemingly never have to go to the bathroom.
but life doesn't work that way. you can't talk to people in the real world the way people talk in sitcoms. believe me, I've tried, and you never get the same result. I've tried to say things and react verbatim from shows when a situation happens to come up, and nobody ever laughs, nobody thinks you're cool and suddenly wants to be friends with you or go out for coffee after work or whatever. that's one of the reasons I've never made many friends (although I think the overwhelming shyness is probably the main reason). but I've tried to lighten situations and even intentionally steer a conversation toward something I can set up for a perfect one-liner from a show, and again people rarely think it's funny. I've even tried physical comedy, slapstick, tripping over things, etc. from time to time and that doesn't work either.
I guess it's time to face the facts and start being more realistic about my life, and I probably should have actually started doing that about 20 years ago.
lately I discovered something else, this time it turns out to be something I don’t care for so much anymore.. I now hate anytime someone knocks on a door (or anything) on a TV show or movie. and here’s the reason, and it sucks. sometime a few years ago here in my journal, I made an entry about how I used to live in an apartment where you could literally hear people snoring through the walls if they were loud enough, which I definitely am. so occasionally people would not just bang on the wall but as the Three’s Company theme song would say “come and knock on my door”. now to this day, every single time I hear a knock while I’m watching TV, it makes my blood run cold and I think “was I just snoring and is that actually my next door neighbor?” because of the problem I have staying awake especially while doing things like watching TV. it actually makes me scared. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that, but to have a neighbor knock on the wall or door because of your snoring is not only embarrassing, but you literally can’t do anything about it, so now for the rest of the night you’re in a state of anxiety about “is it gonna happen again as soon as I fall asleep?” and you basically lose most of the rest of the night of sleep worrying about it. so it makes me question myself every time it happens, even if I know I was awake, it still gives me that terrible chill. I hate it.
I found this one thing out back around november when I was watching a TV show. I found something that actually still makes me smile and happy. I'll just come right out and say it, even though it sounds weird.. I like balloons with faces on them. I was watching the cartoon Bob's Burgers, and at the end of the episode over the credits, there were 2 balloons that floated up on screen, one with Tina's face and I think the other one was Jimmy Jr.'s face. and that triggered something from my childhood. one day when I was young enough that my mom was still making my lunch and sending it with me in a brown bag, I saw that she had drawn a stick-figure person smiling and "he" (I assume) was carrying a balloon, and the balloon had a happy face on it too. I loved it so much I cut it out of the paper bag and kept it for many many years, until probably at least my 20's. time and time again I would look at it and cry because it reminded me of a time when my mom loved me and took care of me and I loved her and everything seemed to be perfect in all of our lives.
another thing I realized lately is that I've finally found a good way to describe what's going on with my inability to stay awake all day and that stuff. matter of fact the comparison is almost perfect. here it is.. my body has a screensaver. whenever I sit down or lie down or my body becomes inactive, it wants to go to sleep. it doesn't matter what else I'm doing, if I stop moving for a while, like watching TV or using my computer (and yes, even driving occasionally), my body just wants to shut down and sleep. that kinda makes me think it might be a brain issue rather than the sleep apnea thing, although I'm not denying I have that, I know I do. most of the time I can't stop it from happening, at least I haven't figured out how yet. I don't know how much it'll help the doctor when I tell them, but at least it's a lot more accurate than the way I've been trying to tell them what's going on.
listening to the new Depeche Mode album right now. bad just like I expected, but not as bad as the last one where they tried to be a rock band. I don't hear much guitar this time around, it sounds like it's mostly keyboards, which is nice, but they just don't have the catchiness of their pre-Ultra stuff. I guess Martin just doesn't have the songwriting talent he used to have. I suppose everyone's talent dries up at some point, no matter what it's for.
lots of hand clapping in place of percussion on the songs, what's the deal with that? not that I mind, just kind of different for them I guess. and as usual the worst songs on the album are the dirge-like tracks with Martin singing.. ugh. god when is he gonna stop? did he just say the F-word? I think he did.
wait a minute.. all the way down to track #9.. "So Much Love". wow. this is really good. I have to say this is probably the best DM song I've heard since "Lilian" from their 2005 album. that really pepped me up, even if the next song went right back to the crap.. heh
#11 is also good, and I just figured out the reason why these 2 songs are so good. they have a sound similar to their earlier stuff, not the actual sound itself, but the structure of the song is similar and not all this experimental crap that they're trying to branch out into.
well I guess I can say I'm a little bit pleasantly surprised with those 2 songs, and that makes up for most of the other stuff I can avoid.
yep, 3rd time in a row. lost a job after working for one day. I'm not even going to dwell on why it happened or get all pissed off about it here. just going to deliver the news and have that be the end of it.
