Tag: letter

Dear Papaw

Published on by gotmeghan1 Comment

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I decided to write this post earlier because I figured as the day got closer I wouldn’t be able to find the right words and I also used the Butler Bulldogs game against Xavier to help keep me focused on this too! 

Dear Papaw,

Today will be the one year anniversary of your death and I am sitting on the edge of my bed watching Butler going up against Xavier right now. I’ve watched so many basketball games in these past few months that I surprised I don’t know more of what’s going on within the actual game! I don’t exactly know who to throw the blame on because something tells me if you ever tried to teach me any basketball terms, I may not had been a willing participant! So this is my own fault!

I’ve been pretty proud the team though. They’ve kicked Villanova’s ass, who is #1 in the Big East conference (is that right?), twice this season. Once in November and the other this past month. I remember because I watched both, the first game was the one I watched for the very first time since you’ve been gone, which mom and dad seemed to think was cute! However, I cannot wear my actual Butler shirts on the days they play because in the last two games, they’ve lost, so no more of that until the season is over.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve turned your cabinet in the kitchen into my little storage area. Nana and I are only using one section, so don’t worry! I read your Smithsonian magazines and we store them in there! Your railroad magazines go into your bookshelves. I’ve also been using your room a bit too! The next time David comes down, nana’s going to get him (or Laurie) to put the typewriter into your room by the vent for my project.

You wouldn’t want to see your room, it’s a mess! However, if you were to compare yours up against mine, I’m pretty sure we’d be even! You can still see the green carpet and walk through without having that much of a difficulty! Other than that, it has a LOT of stuff around, but everything has a reason to be in there. Nana cleaned the “organ” desk and I arranged most of your family’s books  into the bottom area. I have never felt more like Superman than at that moment! You would have grabbed every single book off of my shin and put into that section yourself if you saw how far out I was sitting on my seat!

If you think your bed got a little bit smaller, it sort of did. Emily and Brandon’s “puppy” Chipper peed on it and Emily, Brandon, and mom took the mattress outside and I think mom washed your IU blanket that evening. Everything’s good now, except for the fact you’re missing a mattress!

You would love Chipper! I think you would be kind of scared of him, but don’t worry I have daydreams of the dog running up on me and basically colliding into me on accident and I end up in the ER with a dislocated shoulder or something, because he’s not small like ChiChi. Oh, no! Chipper is a pit bull, like Chancey and I’m betting you’d treat him just like you did with both Casey and Chance! Why did we name all of our animals in a “C” by the way? That’s like a question, you can ask your relatives up there, why is there a lot of “E” and “L” names in the family?

We’re at nine minutes into the game and Xavier is kicking our butts! It’s not by much though, so we could still take this!

I wanted to tell you that I think you’ve been recraninated into a hawk or maybe a buzzard, anything that soars over my head, confuses me now! Anyways, the day you passed when we went to the hospital and drove back home, I saw over 30 hawks in different places; whether they were flying around or sitting in trees or lamp posts, they were around. As most of the family was thinking you had something to do with the weather, which makes sense since you liked to shake the mini snow globe in the kitchen on the days that mom had to go to work the next day, we drove in both sunshine and snow flurries! I went another route, I thought since you always saw a hawk on the way to the hospital and back home when I was about to be born. I thought you had turned into a hawk.

You now have a hawk like across the street, it has a nice, big nest in the tree next to the house with that fenced-in area where those dogs used to live and bark like they didn’t have a care in the world! I saw it one afternoon and I had mom take pictures of it!

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I don’t where you are, you might be up in heaven or you’ve turned into a hawk. Who knows, but you know half of your family is a comedian so you know this was coming one way or another! I can’t do nothing else, but this for you. You’d rather hear about the happy times and how well Butler is playing than anything else anyways! Oh, and the reason why I haven’t discussed any of the IU games is because, I haven’t seen a single game, except for that one but that was on accident. Mom sat on the remote and she found it and that score, if I remember correctly wasn’t pretty by any means! We’re all in agreement that you were a big party in heaven when the IU coach was fired last week!

Kelan Martin just put a three pointer in the last few seconds of the first half! Hopefully, they’ll continue to do good as the second half starts.

Okay, I’m going to end this here. I think I’ve said a lot the what, twenty minutes? You know me well enough, that in of itself is a lot, even for me! I hope you continue to watch over us, but not haunt us! You can visit in our dreams, but don’t scare the crap out of us, like you were known to do here! I don’t know if I can handle another one of those types of dreams again!

I love you lots!

Meg-HAN! Your “cool” granddaughter 😀

Written on February 26, 2017 – Butler won against Xavier (89-77)  and completed on March 19, 2017! 

An Open Letter To My Papaw

Published on by gotmeghan5 Comments

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My papaw has been gone a month…

It’s been a rough time for my whole family to deal with, some more than others. I’m only saying that because I don’t know how my northern families are dealing with it so I apologize if that statement offended you.

I’ve managed to keep quiet on the subject because despite being the writer in the family, I can’t produce the words to explain how I’ve been feeling. Truth be told, I’ve been fine. I know my papaw is someplace where he’s no longer in pain, but I do miss him dearly. I just deal with things differently. I’m a very strong person. I’ve realized that I’m more like my dad than I thought. I’ve managed to control my emotions a little better than certain family members but there’s a reason for it.

In the past, anytime somebody has died whether I went to school with them, were a family friend, or a celebrity I’ve been sort of quiet on the whole thing. I’ve talked about this a couple of times on here that I believe in recarination but I also believe in the fact a person is never really gone. The memories you have of them will immortalize them and so they’re not really gone for good. For some people, this might be a sign of denial but this is my belief and it’s the reason why I’ve been able to control my emotions and most important my thoughts.

I really didn’t grieve like everybody else, which is normal and I know that, but it’s still the fact I’ve only cried probably four time in the last thirty days.

I do have a funny, but interesting story though. Growing my whole family, including my papaw has always believed that their house is haunted. The upstairs and part of their living room just gives some eerie feelings when you go into a certain area. Sleeping over there, especially on the couch that is directly below the staircase isn’t good for my paranoia at all. Anyways, the other night I had a dream where my papaw showed up and literally scared the shit out of me. He stood in the corner and never spoke, just winked which is always something that he did with me. One of my last memories is of him in his bed at the nursing home, when we brought him his pizza he winked at me when I smiled at him. Something that has bothered me since then is that I never told him I loved him. I was still hopeful that he was going to come home and I didn’t think he would hear me anyways, so I just didn’t say it.

Also, another thing that we used to do as kids. Whenever it turned 11:11 my mom would always say “hi papaw” it was just something she did, whether or not she was talking about her dad or her papaw I still don’t know! She recently told my sister and I that she hasn’t seen a 11:11 since everything happened. I’ve seen tons of times, especially anything trains too! Everytime I see it though, I’ve stopped making wishes and just say “hi papaw” now. It actually makes me feel better when I notice it too.

I actually feel a lot better now that I’ve been able to let it all out today. I’ve held a lot in that I feel I should have talked to somebody, especially my friend Sammy who’s been for me since January when he was going through the dementia and all that. This weekend we have his furenal service and I feel like I’ve had my peace with it. I feel bad saying that out loud but I just feel like in the way that we’re doing it, he wouldn’t want that. He’d want everybody around each other, sharing stories and pigging out since that’s what he looked forward everytime we had family over. It’s just going to be weird again knowing he’s not going to pop in because we were getting too loud.

Oh, I’ve stop here. I’ve cried three times while writing this. I’m also not checking my spelling and all that for this post. If I look over it, I’ll never push publish. Sorry.

Meghan.

Dear Myself At Age 52

Published on by gotmeghanLeave a comment

dearmeDear My 52-year-old Self

Writing to myself from the past was a lot easier, because getting started was easy. I’ve got too many questions that I like to be answered, but since there’s not time travel yet, I’m stuck with wondering about what our lives are like down the line. You are 52 years old, that’s a good age to be, I guess! Like I said I’ve got some wonders but also some worries to talk to you about and I hope you understand the reason why I want them answered so much. So let’s get started with them.

Here I am in my early twenties, sitting on my bed, listening to the band Nightwish. Do you remember them? You used to sing their songs all the time. You got into them when the Anette Olzon came on the scene and you were present when Floor Jensen took her place. You’re a fan of their first singer, Tarja. Have you seen any of them in concert? Has the music scene changed much? Has Disco come back in style? Have you gotten out of your comfort zone and sang on stage again? I have had dreams of our old high school doing a special program for any choir students to come back and sing in front of the students and staff after a few years we’ve gradated. Did that ever happen? One of my more important questions, is did you ever find the one? Did you get married and have a family? From the time you hit middle school, you constantly dreamt of your future kid(s) births and what their names will be. Is there a Mason Lee in your little family? Did you ever move out on your own like you’ve always wanted to? If not, how did you meet your husband? Please don’t tell me, I’ve known who I was going to marry my whole life.

The worries in my mind are of things I’m scared of getting through. Since you are in your fifties, is Blondie around you? Keeping in eye on you like she always does? Did she get the life you wanted for her if you didn’t get married? How did our grandparents die? How did you get through nana’s passing? Has anybody haunted you? What, you’ve always been the paranoid one, so I have to ask. Especially since practically everybody in our family knows we hate ghosts and stuff like that! Did Amy, Kristi, and Blondie have kids? Do any of them have disabilities? If so, does anybody have your disease? The most important of question of all, how are mom and dad doing? Did dad take his motorcycle to the nursing home with him? Okay, I have to get off these sad questions before I start crying my eyes out. We both know I hate when I do that. Did you finally take everybody’s advice and wrote your memoir? If you did, that only means you either gave up on blogging or they deleted your site. Did you go back to school or did you just stick with writing? Do people still call you an inspiration at your age? If I told you I was content with my life right now, would you agree? You’ve seen what I’ve conquered and gotten to do, is there something or someone wanting for me out there?

Love always,
Meg(z)han.

Dear Myself At Age 14

Published on by gotmeghanLeave a comment

dearmeDear My 14-year-old Self,

You’ve either just turned fourteen or you’re about to turn fifteen. You’re either in middle school or just started your first year of high school.I don’t want to give too much of your future away but funny thing is, there’s not much of a difference between those two years other than your grades between those two years were drastically different. Throughout your years in middle school, you struggled in both 6th and 7th grades, but 8th grade was a little better (that is if you can look past your grades in Math and Science!) If you’re a freshman in high school, schoolwork is very easy for you! You liked Pre-Algebra a lot more than any Math classes you’d take down the line. Just trust me with that! Class and grades wise are pretty in the middle of good and bad, and sadly between those times you’re personal life has gotten very chaotic and your mind and trust is just starting to shake like it’s a damn Earthquake.

Between those two years, you are basically “obsessed” with this one guy. This one guy is going to help you gain some self-esteem and totally change the way you think about guys in general. That last year of middle school was hard for you I know. Your whole life was basically destroyed in one night. Let me just say this to you now, what happened that night wasn’t your fault. You wanted to protect the ones you loved and that was the only way you knew how because at that time, you didn’t know how to speak out like you do now. The time of day and the day of that month still haunt you every year but I’m glad to say you’ll grow to forgive the ones that hurt you and the ones you think you’ve hurt. In high school, you’re separated from the ones you’ve gotten to know in your class and got to add some new friends from the upperclassmen, even though they hate the “fresh meat” coming in. Trust me, once you’ve become a junior you’ll understand what I mean. Like I said, freshman year is a very different time for you. That guy you saw at lunch running up those stairs into the high school gym with that red and white shirt. Yeah, he’ll stick with you and your famiy lives for as long as you live.

He won’t be the only one though. You’ll grow to have about five to six crushes your first year of high school. The older boys were your “fresh meat” because as soon as you saw these guys, the ones in your own class looked like rats compared to them. Sorry boys! Your self-esteem will grow but so will your attitude. You will still think you’re a little bad ass, but that’ll never go away. You would be surprised of how many nice people you are around each day. The nice gestures will come to be a good thing later on. The one thing that will affect you will be something that happened in one of your classes. That moment will play out like a sense from a movie in your head for years to come. Who knew a crutch could protect you more than a regular human being. Your sense of protection feels ruined after that day and you were thankful for going to that class after because you became very distracted while being in that class but what happened on that day will be engraved in not only your mind but your family’s mind as well. Get ready for hell in the next couple of years. The lessons that you learn in these two years are: a “D” is still passing; boys will become a distraction but a helpful one, and have a good eye out on everything around you.

I wish I was able to tell you more about what to expect, but I honestly don’t remember much than besides these facts. Oh, well there is this one thing. In your last year in middle school, those previews of the show “Two-A-Days” will mean something to you later down the life. Football becomes a big part of your life. You will never understand the difference between offense and defense, but that’s okay. Those big hot pink signs you’ll in your first year in high school will become a big part of your life as well. Go with your heart when you first see them. Go to that game and think to yourself “I wanna do that” with a smile on your face. There are four members of your high school football team that will mean a lot to you later on in life. One will lead into the rest, but one or two will always be around to chat with you outside of school. You would think to yourself right now as a fourteen year old and say, “Oh, me talking to an older boy? No way!” Way.

Sincerely,
Meg(z)han

Dear Nikki Sixx

Published on by gotmeghan1 Comment

All my life I’ve never been a big fan of myself. I hated what I looked like in a mirror. I hated the fact that I wasn’t like my sister whatsoever. I didn’t have the blonde hair, hazel eyes, all of the muscles she had in her arms and legs. In my disease, not only is it a joint disease where all of my joints are locked in place but I have less muscles than a regular person like me. I’ve always compared myself against my sister. I’ve never really hated her for being the “perfect” one, but I’ve hated myself. Hating yourself is a nightmare. Just this past weekend I remembered all these feelings I had when I hated myself. The feeling of you can’t do this or that and it got to the point where I was so mad at myself I hit the floor with my foot so hard it hurt afterward. Then I remembered not to be so mad because it’s not my fault I can’t lift myself off the floor. The reason why I can’t lift myself is because my back side is too heavy. I have metal in my back. If I hadn’t had the spinal fusion surgery back in 02 I could have died. It’s just a blessing in disguise.

That’s how I see life. Everything is a blessing from God, and life is beautiful with both the highs and lows. We learn from everything we do. Everything we get introduced to is there for a reason. So when I got introduced to the story of Nikki Sixx and started to listen to a lot of Sixx:A.M. I started to think. How can a guy like Nikki think a person like me is beautiful? I’ve been told from family and close friends (including Twitter friends) that I was beautiful, but I’ve never taken them seriously. No offense. At the time I was listening to “Lies Of The Beautiful People” and watching the music video and holding back tears because nobody outside of that comfort zone has ever said that. Even though it wasn’t directed to me, personally. The song and video (mostly his photography) captured me. So I started thinking well if he likes me for who I am, maybe I shouldn’t give up hope on everybody. Everybody tells me I’m inspiration. You want an inspiration? Read about Nikki Sixx.

He’s changed my sense on life. How I choose to see people. How I choose to see myself. I still have my doubts. Everybody does, it never leaves. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. I’ve never gotten one before. I want to get “Life Is Beautiful” on the side of my right leg. I’ve always hated my legs. I’m always wearing long-sleeved pants because shorts and I don’t get along. I want to be bold like Nikki and say something meaningful. Life is a beautiful blessing we have. I shouldn’t care about what others think of me. I should be proud of what I got. Having a tattoo of a song that means so much, hell even the band, they mean so much to me. They’ve changed me on how I look at everything. So why shouldn’t I flaunt something like that? I’m not the type of fan who would drive a celebrity crazy constantly, so this is what happened. I let it all out on here. So thank you Nikki Sixx, Dj Ashba, and James Michael. You changed me into thinking everything in life is beautiful just the way it is. My senior quote was “Why be normal when you can be so much more.” I don’t think I’m normal, instead I think I’m beautiful. (:

Love,
Meghan