Chris

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I see she changed her journal a bit...Ironic she doesn't have time to write, but she changes her journal. Why did it change? So the only person who knows the address there can look at a new appearance? Just odd, who knows.

I read back, just skimmed a few lines of her old journals, God why cant I just make myself happy. I found a girl Im like I dont even know really, Im so scared to say it, dont know it, not sure this time around, dont truly know what name to give the feelings, they are hard on me though. Eating right is hard too.Aside from getting home from work tired, my parents eat around 6-7 and Im not really hungry by that time most of the time and I have developed a way to stop the stupid dinner time arguments we always seem to have, by not going that is. I just dont eat when I should after work, didn't eat dinner tonight, didn't care to. My stomach was upset all day, at work, now here at home once it finally seemed it was ok for a couple hours(sleep) and I hate it, im jittery, really nervous feeling. It's like when I have a hangover after alot of drinking from the night before. That next day I feel all weak, wierd, stomach is upset and I am queasy. I dont know what it means or really why it is I feel this way. I think I know some of the reason, but I didn't think I'd feel this way after today or for this amount of time, what's wrong with me?


I dont know what the deal is with me and Brooke. Im sick of telling people who dont know what the deal is. I still have a few people to tell, some wont know till a bit later, but I dont feel too awesome talking about one of the best things in month's to come walking my way, just walking away.

i read some of her journal though, older stuff obviously and God those are great, at first she was so worried if she should waste time on me because I was always thinking or talking about Amanda. I knew I talked about her, but I didn't try to bring it up because I couldn't let her go, she was a good way to relate to things though, sorority, just what I was used to, alot of stuff so it made things easier for me to say I guess. Then she said (quote) "and I have a boyfriend that I adore (Chris) " as well as a few others I might list here that make me so happy to read, yet kinda depressed. I cherish memories so much, they are great to have, that text, just black and white text and background mean so much to me because I can see it, remember it and remember the good times that we had.

She even said " Well the ex boyfriend I wrote about last is now completely out of my life.....maybe this time...." and I just look back and think damn, if that would have really happened the way it was planned, the way she wanted it at first, then I believe that Brooke and I would be in love with eachother, we'd be incredibly happy and doing just fine. I am bitter it happened of course, that wont change. Im mad it happened, but can only change things for the better or so that's the best way to look at it.Whether she lets me or not is up to her, I really only see big time hurt on me in this predicament here. I wish alot of things, it's stupid, but damn I still do it. I wish he'd have been my friend from the start instead of lying to me the whole time, lying to her as well. He played coy, wanted to act like things were ok meanwhile he was calling me just to find me, see who I was with, calling her and asking the same, messaging me when he never did before, all just new things that never happened until I started hanging out with Brooke.

He was playing it off all along. I cant believe I was his friend at one time. I always seem to find two faced people who are out to get me and then I land myself in the bad part of this whole deal because what else can I do? I can be the victim and get what I want(her, well maybe who knows what would have happened if I was not jealous because I cared for her or had I not argued with her about him and all the others) or I could have done what I did which was stand up for myself and her, try to defend us both, try to make the unseen, visible to all the people who should know and then get screwed. Well I screwed myself, but I didn't want to be the victim any more, I was abused far too much because of everyone elses skeltons in their closets.

Man I wish she would write...She doesn't call my cellphone anymore at all, she never messages me on aim aside from hardly being on at all, maybe a few hours in the last whole week or longer, she doesn't text me at all. I feel so left out and alone, I dont know what to do but care for her and I keep thinking that maybe Im being overly needy or something. I think I get shit on by every girl, I'll never be able to love a girl and give her the things she says she wants because she is a liar just like every other girl.

They all say they want love and to be appreciated, treated great and they want that great long lasting relationship, but you start giving and they start changing or leaving. I see it alot in other relationships, I have seen it before, it seems like it's happening now to me. Like me calling anymore is just ignored because she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, like she is slowly moving out of my life foor good and some other guy is going to replace me soon enough.Im gonna be really sad if that happens, it's gonna tear me to nothing.

I write her, she tells me she didn't get it(text) and if I write her on Myspace...she reads it, doesn't reply, is online numerous times since the last time I wrote and she read it, still no reply to me. I just feel like she is really mad at me or that I want so much more than friends. I mean I do, but I want that for another day. I wanna fall in love with her, she is amazing and well I know I cant have that anytime soon, I know that , I know it damnit! I just need friendship. I feel like there is nothing worthwhile anymore. I was so much happier before. Going to work, Round Up, coming home I had more of a smile, my mom could ask and I'd not be hiding anything or getting into an argument with her because of pent up frustration because she keeps asking me what is up with Brooke, how is she, are you guys ok?

Im sick of lying to her, but I cant tell her, not right now. I dont know, I dont want to hear anyones oppinions because they will hurt me too much. I dont need anyone telling me anything right now, I just want to leave that alone. I cant believe there was a girl i my life that once called me to ask how things were as she lay in bed sounding so beautiful and cute, she once wrote me, wrote a journal, text messaged me when I had an away message up just to see what I was doing so I could talk to her. Maybe I found the wrong girl, maybe she is too busy for a loser like me, her being in school and a sorority.

The next relationship I have, fuck a sorority girl in school, this is the 2nd time it's happened and I wanted it again for some fuckin stupid reason, I wanted to hear that she was too busy, she has a meeting to go to, she cant come visit this weekend there is too much going on, she is just really busy and I think that's great for her of course, I am glad she is a good person, doing well and she impresses me very much so, but I seem to be at the end of the rope again and I am hearing the same things I have heard before about being busy and I dont know that I want to ever hear that word again as much as I have in 2005. From Janurary till now, it's been alot. I need a girl who lives a few miles away, who works, not in hectic classes and stuff. I want Brooke in everything she lives in now, while she is too damn busy in school, taken by alot of work and study time, 130 miles from me, a sorority... I dont care, but I know I also want love.

I want to feel appreciated, wanted, like she was thinking about me at some point in time. I dont know her anymore, she never talks to me, it's so scary, Im really worried about all of this. I dont know, 7 days from now I suppose I'll have the chance to see her. It's going to be a lonely night with no family and if I dont see her Im going to be sitting here doing nothing or trying to make the best of it with my friends.

Brooke, no more thinking, no more compiling your thoughts just to tell me or write something. I am really over waiting for a real answer. If you care about me at all, just talk to me, tell me something, let me know how your day went, ask me what's wrong with my day, ask why this is that and that is what it is. I just need to know you feel something more than what it seems. God you hide things away and it doesn't help anyone, not even you. People who hide things away dont fix things, usually everything gets worse. Just open up, you have every piece of me from friend, to lover, my heart, my soul. I cant move past you, you mean too damn much to me and it's really really hurting me down inside to not know that feeling of being wanted anymore.


I miss you so much Brooke, please act on the words you told me. You wanted friendship, but you dont even speak to me anymore, you seem so cold and before you'd talk for hours, now you always want to sleep and everything else is so important.I will always put you in first place,always.


Chris

25 days left...Jimmy and I are dead lol.


I am going to make sure it's fun, not just how many shots I can do because everyone dares me this and that, that's fun until it's time to yack and then the night is ruined, fuck that.

It's almost here, it's almost been a year, wow... so much has happened, so much has come about, hope it goes well, hope everyone shows(wont happen) and I hope it's alot of fun.


Kim and Gary said they would come so they better! I am glad to have such awesome friends like them, being 40 years old and still hanging with 21/22 year old kids, awesome as hell!They are like my second parents, just with much more of a cool streak lol.






It's just around the corner. I have alot of hope for other things, but hope has always been a lost cause for me. I guess I need to just go get them, hoever that will happen,Whatever it takes to get them...




It's allllll coming so soon, Christmas,New Years, Birthday... I hope Thankgiving is ok, Im gonna be fucking pissed if I sit at home on my holiday, not so much the holiday, just that day because I always have something to do, this year my parents are both working and I get to stay home alone until I figure out what to do. Hopefully someone wants company, that'd be really nice to have.


sleep time, short journal, just quitting time here tonight...
CRP

Today at work was slow, pretty fast moving day as far as from 8:30 to 5 pm, but slow as in work which was ok by me. I didn't fight with Deirdra all day, a great thing and I understand why so it could have happened, but there are reasons outside of my control, that made it possible for us to do well all day thank God, sometimes it's hard to be around someone all the time and still get along and that sucks. I sent out a ton of birthday invites for Round Up, my 22nd birthday, Jimmy's 23rd birthday on the 10th of December. I am sure drama will ensue there, but whatever, fuck with me while I have been drinking and talk shit at my birthday and Im gonna get pissed off. Let it be one or two specific people and shit might get rowdy outside a bit later. I aint gonna drop everything to run outside and cause a fight before my fun drunken night is over, I'd rather do it after it all ends and there is nothing left but sleep in a nice warm bed. Wish it was sleep in a warmer bed, 98.6 degree's warmer, but that's another dreamland away, a fairytale only I could fuck up in my real world. I have succeeded at losing two times so far. Cant say it's a complete loss, but it feels like I lost alot, little piece of her, little piece of myself, alot of myself actually. I cant say I haven't recently had some fun, but I dont want that fun. I was so happy just being alone with my ex girlfriend night after night, every single damn weekend, every weekend like clockwork I was with her and some nights we just watched tv and slept. It may have been Friday night and there could have been a kegger downstairs, but we were sleeping in eachothers arms. I miss that feeling, not with her neccesarily, I just miss skipping out on something I'd normally say, are you nuts?!

I misss skipping certain things with friends because I have the best friend I could ask for right next to me who wants me, possibly who loves me, who needs to hear I care, God I do miss that and I plan on digging it back up, finding it again one of these days, I cant wait for the day. I'd do alot for it right now, all too much just to feel that complete relief and happiness in my heart and life once more. Stay young forever kids, if you grow old, you will grow to find you are going to be hurt more than you ever care to experience, you will hurt others, you are going to love someone who doesn't love you, you are going to be loved, but wont be able to love back, you are going to experience some of the worst feelings you have ever felt right after you felt like the world was yours for the taking the day before. Growing up seems all too unfair sometimes. Being young yields no responsibility and no care to love, to feel, to care, but being me, being an older me makes living alot harder than I want. *sigh on that note*


emo depressive Chris takes the knife and turns into Larry...


Ok so here is another emo thing that sucks, this honestly blows. I am going to have a shitty Thanksgiving so far.Plans are not promised and nothing is. My parents will both be working and I'll be doing jackshit as far as I can see, maybe I'll go to the fire station and eat with dad and the guys and the only girl on shift, one of the coolest fire chicks around, Heather(also known as a sister of Satan lol, she is a redhead and that's the name she got lol) Idk yet, Brooke will be here, but her mom and sister will be in Brazil or something, wow my memory served me for an hour and took off like a jet(I suck), and her dad might be at the office so idk, maybe I'll eat with her or something, wonder how that will happen or feel. Im scared, dont know what to say anymore, I feel so different, so scared again... Just so not what I thought I was, what I had. I dont want to mess with any other girls, dont want to look, totally gave this girl the wrong impression the other day when she told me to call her and I said I was single, but not looking because I was head over heels for a girl I couldn't yet get my hands on and she was like I didn't want to fuck you or anything, just thought we could talk. I felt kind of bad,but idk I have had girls who dont know me just give me their number from online and then say call me and then they freak out when I dont because I think it's wierd unless we have talked before online or in person for at least a while, not just 10 minutes.

So yeah my want for a girlfriend is -1000 right now unless of course I get to have.... exactly


So single, fun if that happens, work to make the money and be the best person I can be for myself.Im kind of lost anymore, used to understand alot, had no worries, now Im all over this place.

She seems distant and not so fond of me even as my friend, she seems to glow in all of her pictures, just not online, not on the phone, just not anymore to me except in her pictures where it doesn't matter how happy she is, it's a picture. Idk maybe she'd totally agree, maybe this will scare her, she'd lie to me if it did anyway just not to hurt me, I am pretty sure about it.I'd not say it if I didn't feel she would and maybe Im dead wrong, but I feel she would which sucks, it scares me more. I think she holds back alot and I hate that, Im always up front, couldn't lie to her if I was the devil and I wouldn't want to if I had to. She doesn't want to hurt me and if I had the chance I'd rather hurt and know all truth, rather than not hurt as much and wait for the ultimate truth and hurt to crush me 10 fold.


I hope everything she tells me is out of honesty knowing I need to know it, need to be able to handle the truth and whatever hurt comes with it if any. If she truly loves me as her friend which seems to be so distant too, then she must know that I will hurt more if she hides things just to ensure I dont feel bad about what she has to say.

I hate wishing, but I wish she'd write in her journal sometime. She tells me she needs time to compose thought, but if you think about composing thought or what you are going to write outside of actually being at the computer, you wont write it, you will forget it, you arent writing a journal, you are just thinking about things to later write, that doesn't work. I just want to read a journal of her daily life, how things are, her thoughts as they come to her, not her thoughts that she had to think about for a while and then she decided to sit down and write, I want it to freeflow from her hands and brain, that's writing... I do it, this is not premeditated until right before my fingers do the typing. I just guess being used to reading a journal from someone else is what it is.It's a great tool for communication and right now I feel like she doesn't even want to talk to me so that'd be great to know I can still hear her thoughts if she doesn't want to talk much anymore, hear how she is doing, understand her, understand alot, just anything I can get, I'll take it.

She hasn't recently called me, messaged me online on aim or myspace, I dont believe she has ever just sent me a message on Myspace and maybe Im too crazy over that, but I just think it'd be nice, it's definately not too much to ask, it lets me know she cares, she is thinking about me, no matter how little or how big, I know and I do appreciate those small things. Im just still really confused. I hope I get everything I want really soon, I really do miss it alot.


She is very important to me, she means an unknown amount to me and I dont want that feeling to grow different on me, I want it, her, those special moments with her like we used to have, man it's just so hard knowing you used to, you could have, you aint got it anymore, you are fuckin stupid for arguing in the first place, but then again if you dont stand up for what you believe in, you might as well be a robot right?


Gotta go look for Christmas presents really soon, dont know how that's going to be, dont know what I want, dont know what my parents can afford right now, every year seems to get tighter and tighter even though they dropped over 1300 dollars on me last year in one day alone with the camera etc... I dont know, a gun? I'd rather buy my own to be honest... Maybe the money for a gun, then again I'd have to wait till after Christmas, idk maybe just a gun lol. I want to get a 40 caliber Springfield Armory, same as my dad but a sub compact because it's smaller and easier to conceal carry it. I also want to get my concealed carry license which I will eventually get.

New speakers for my car? New Tires on the rear? New tint is a definate before long lol, idk got a few ideas and some I can just easily do with my own money right this minute. I hope people like what I am getting them for Christmas even though half the people on my list(I dont even know my list yet) are still an undecided gift as far as what I am giving to them. I got low funds, get paid tomorrow, birthday coming up, this time of year is great and it sucks too.

Soon a credit card, actually about 2 will be paid off in full, Chase card will be a while, another year if I more than double my mimimal payment per month, but when the other cards are paid off, that will become easier to do and more so a want so I will be ok with dropping 100 plus on the card at once because I know it will be goin away and soon more money will be going to me, not to some damn debt collector.

Cant wait for my birthday party though, I hope Brooke comes, I'd be pretty bummed if she didn't and I hope Ashley manages to come with Robert as well, that'd be cool if they came up here for a visit and went to Round Up. I am nervous for this though, dont need nor want drama, yet I can sense it brewing already.Some people arent invited by me of course and wont be no matter what, they ruined their welcome in my life at all and will not be let back in unless they become rich and offer me large lump sums of money for years to come, fat chance of that happening so peace out for good people. So that will cause bs I am sure, but whatever. Im gonna have plenty of people there to have fun with, this might be a seriously overly huge party with both Jimmy and I inviting people especially because I have random girls on my friends list I have never met, wanting to go(Andy will be happy haha)and I just invited a shitload of people so far, should be fun.


It's time for sleep, I am tired.Sending my EMT papers in tomorrow sometime after work I guess, get a nex tday delivery to rush it so it makes it on time. Study my ass off for a few weeks and take the test December 20th or 21st. I wont know the exam grades until 3-4 weeks which sucks, but I will be glad to take it and get it outa the way, one step closer to a real deal job I was born for. I guess her wish of only that for Christmas will come a little later than on the 25th, that's my fault,but I am gonna go do it.

sleep.

Time to recap my weekend I guess. Friday I wasn't sure what I was going to be doing, but I called Pat and he was at Winghouse with Ben and a couple others I didn't know.We hung out there, had a few drinks and I froze my ass off outside for some reason. I didn't have my sweater with me and we were sitting outside on the deck, it wasn't really even cold or anything. I just dont have the fat or the muscle weight for warmth compared to the guys I was with lol, compared to most people and that sucks! Beer probably held a reason for the cold discomfort and therefore I didn't have the greatest time. Shivering and trying to have fun, yeah they dont mix. Pat had told me earlier they were going to the strip club, but I was uninterested because I didn't want to spend the money on a place in St.Pete if I was going to go to a strip club. I didn't have anything else to do so I said whatever, if I am being schouferred(spelling) arround and I get to drink, so be it. So we headed out with Ben and went to Oz(which sucks, I have been before and like I said, anything in St.Pete is just crap regardless) I managed to freeze my ass off in there too, wtf? I didn't even wanna drink when I got there because I was so fucking cold. I told Pat before we got there to drink more because it was far cheaper at Winghouse than at any other bar or for that matter, the strip club. He didn't listen and when we got there we were paying 4.75 a fucking beer as if they were also going to get fuckin tipped, you must be outa your damn mind!


So I had two beers there, didn't really enjoy myself because I was cold and it's St.Pete, there is no nudity, that would be the whole point of going correct?riiiiight. So we headed out, went down the road to Diamond Dolls off 19, just right down the road from the place so it took all of 3 minutes. It was much warmer there thank God, I got relaxed finally instead of felling jittery as shit and I had like 2 beers there, so far 4 beers cost me 20 bucks between the two places, greeeaat. Again, just another St.Pete strip club so there is nothing to see, but I was feeling ok, little bit buzzed and Pat was looking shitfaced so I was laughing because of him.

One of his friends was whacked out of it, he laid on a couch where they give you lap dances and passed out lol, he just fell asleep there. I was rubbing his sternum with my knuckles and he started to wake up(2nd time I have done this to a drunk person in a week's time hahaa) So after being there for a while spending the majority of my money on beer, 10 dollars for cover in Oz, free entry to Diamond Dolls(they know a girl there or something), I was ready to go too so it was no big deal. We got his friend off the couch before they bounced his ass and we took off. He was seriously canned by the time that all occured so when we got outside he pissed right by his friend's car on this pole like right there, just out in the open right in front of everyone while he was facing them hahaa, guess you can get drunker than I have ever been because no matter how shitfaced I have been, I have never done that haha.


After that we went back to Winghouse to get my car, I followed Pat and Ben back to the house and then I took off back to mine right down the road and I stayed up until about idk, 3, 3:30 and then went to sleep. Woke with a seriously killer headache and really really bad leg cramps, not even cramps really, just really sore.I think I was dehydrated and lactic acid built up due to walking around or whatever and then when I awoke it all hit me, headache from hell and serious muscle pain in both legs, had to be the worst thing to ever wake up to.


Saturday I went to Bradenton Motorsports track, was thinking about going shooting with Rob, but he didn't have his guns with him anyway so that wasn't gonna work. I just went to the track with my camera and an hour or so after I got there he called me just as he was pulling up to the track. I directed him in, I took some more pictures and we hung out until like 9 pm. I was there like 5.5 hours and took over 100 pictures and could have shot around 300, but dragsters typically dont smoke their tires as much as door cars and there were like 30 dragsters to every door car there so it was hard to get really nice photo's of them burning out.

I ended up with some really nice shots though, thought about making business cards soon if I get some good shots out of this and then trying to sell pictures for the next big event there at Bradenton. I could charge 10 less than the event provider that was there taking pictures and still make plenty of money at 20 dollars per picture.

Carl lost the races for the daytime before I got there, but when he started racing at night, he won two rounds and I left after that because that's like an hour a round, maybe a bit shorter, but it adds up quickly and it was getting late, we had not eaten anything yet and I was supposed to meet up with friends later. I said my byes and took off shortly after.

Rob and I went to Sonnys just off the Zolfo Springs exit right by the Cracker Barrel and they were supposed to close about 20 minutes after we got there lol, oh well we hung out for like 45 minutes and ate anyway.We both took off adn I headed home, got changed and took off to meet Ryan and Brad at Waterin Trough. Finch called me, asked what I was doing and I told him. He asked to go so I picked him up and we went over. I saw Brad there, called Ryan and he said he was at home because he had a meeting early in the morning so that sucks, he told me he'd be there. I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a while, couple of girlfriends that I used to hang out with all the time and go to Full Moon Saloon as well as Stormans on both Friday and Sunday nights, man I couldn't go out drinking and get to work on Monday morning anymore, dont know how I did that shit then... Actually I think I worked at 3 pm then instead of 7 am or whatever time in the morning so maybe that's how lol.


I had a pretty good time at Trough, watched these two guys who were really over the top drunk just stumble around trying to play fight eachother and Finch gave one of the guys his lighter to light a ciggarette and he stumbled around trying to light it for over 5 minutes. He had that bathroom stall sway to him lol, it's when you are a guy obviously and when trying to piss you are like back and forth, back and forth so that's why most guys lean on the wall with a hand or two haha. He did that the whole time walking around or standing still.


We left at 2, Finch asked if I wanted to wait around for random ho's and I said whatever man, it's up to you and he was like man do you want to? I said whatever, you tell me. He said ok let's go back. We pulled back in and almost immidiately Finch got his wish LOL! They were random, they were ho's and they were large and in charge.. I turned away, lit a ciggarette and pulled out my phone and called Beth to aboid talking to shamu and he friend with the gap you could kick a fieldgoal through. They invited us both back to their apartment for some fun in a hot tub/ bubblebath. Well needless to say I was very very very uninterested, didn't care what Finch told me and he tried to convince me to go, yet I couldn't live with myself if I went there just to hang out and watch them try to like rape me or somethnig. After all, they both weighed more than us, she could just like lay on me and I'd never escape LOL, fuck that Finch!


He just wanted head and kept going on about why fat chicks give great head. I was like because that's all they can get and he said "exactly" and I was still like fuck no, noooo way sorry. I dont want to go messing with any girls right now anyway so on top of that reason and them being overly huge and nasty, I definately held to my "no" as the answer of the night. He told them we'd come over, they told him the passcode for the gate and we left. I was like "no....nooooo.no, sorry, no" the whole way home, he was desperate for some and I didn't care to join in that's for sure. I went to his house, hung out for a few, he gave me Kenny Chesney's new cd and then we took off. He really wanted to go and he was like ok, if it's a go, then I'll say bye and you can leave me here and I'll just walk back, it was right around the corner not far away at all. I dropped him off, snuck around the corner and looked at the pool area. I saw shamu and her friends, 5 feet of bubble bath towering outa the hot tub and was like hahahaa no fucking way, have fun Finch... So I went back to my car, sat there and he called me and said ok man, peace and I said you are staying? He said yea and I said ok bye, then took off.


I went home, went online for a few and slept. I woke up today at 5 pm, WTF? I wasn't even drunk last night and I slept all damn day, how the hell did that happen? I woke up to it being dark practically, one more hour and I'd have been confused as fuck when waking up.

Sat around today, took a shower, went to get something to eat and got some mousse. I cant wait for next weekend already, cant believe how fast they go by. Im bored and checking out...


Chris...

Of watching Deirdra sit on Myspace all fucking day as certificates pile up, yet I dont feel like telling Helen look at this and that, she will catch on sooner or later, it's going to happen I know it, it did once already. If she aint on fuckin Myspace, she is talking to a Myspace booty call, I bet she'd fucking deny that shit too. She talks to people all the fuckin time, hellloo? WORK.... It's cool to check myspace from time to time, write an email here and there, but she sits there for fucking ever!

Im sick of hearing about how she overdrafted her account and how she had to call the bank to find out what's up on work time for like 45 minutes to an hour at LEAST..... It might have been more.That's time you could have nailed like 20 certificates easily.She told me the other day I was quick to talk shit yet I do the same thing...BULLSHIT BITCH..Im fed up,I really fuckin am.

Im tired of people taking me for granted like they arent wrong when all they ever are is fucking wrong. When I am here and she is here, I take phone calls and she slacks the fuck off on certificates for the most part.When I go to lunch and Shelly would normally make me take phone calls when I am there, she sends the calls to either my voicemail or to Deirdra who ignores every single God Damn call and that is fucked up.

Shelly got bitched out for letting unit owners go to voicemail so I get like every damn call, she even puts people on hold for a few till she see's that I am off the phone and boom, another call comes in. I dont have time to think here and when I am on lunch and she should be taking calls and doing certificates by paper, she is busy transferring her calls to me and using Myspace.Let's see.... an hour worth or lunch or whatever/myspace and then back off break and back on Myspace...There is no fucking difference there except one is paid when you should be working and the other is lunch and you are allowed.


She told me I do the same thing, what a crock of shit. She likes to think the white niggers she talks to online arent indeed what they truly are, FAKE and trying to be little wigger kids and thugs, but instead, they were just raised like that, that's how they came up... bullshit! Even if they did, they are trying to be little white niggers plain out. She then goes to tell me I am trying to say they are trying to be black which is incorrect. I told her no, yet she says that's what I said, wtf ever... I said white niggers, not black people cause the difference is clear.She likes thugs, dumb fuckin idiots who try to be niggers and she goes to tell me those fags who are completely white who have shaved little faded heads holding blunts up, blowing smoke outa their mouth, wanting to rap, over using slang bullshit on their page and dressing in like fubu everything are not thugs, fake or trying to be little niggers. Come the fuck on, who are you kidding but yourself?


I love when people cant just realize their taste in guy or girl material.They are thugs, no life, they arent just products of being raised that way because most of them probly grew up in a decent neighborhood and had no giant thug influence until they started hanging around people in highschool at which point most probly just dropped out. Whatever, bottom line is this...

Deirdra slacks the fuck off at work.I cover her paperwork, I guarentee I have at LEAST the same amount of paper done as her if not more and that shouldn't happen. She will get nailed one day. She is so full of shit...



whatever, today is the 10th, that's 2 month's right there, wish I could have had it, but it was like a month and a week and boom, nothing... I cant believe it had to come to that,but when you are a piece of shit guy who cant keep his cock to himself I guess other guys get the backlash from it eventually.

I got more on that punk now than before and I am sure I will only get more as my time goes on. He apparently was fond of hitting on other girls while thye were togather, what a fag.


I wish I could have had those 2 month's, man if we made it that far I dont have a doubt it'd have been easier to progress.


whatever Im done for now, cant wait till Deirdra comes back to slack off after her lunch break...

I had an ok day at the office today, was tired of course like yesterday and the day before and will probly be tired tomorrow too, evne though tonight I will have more sleep. I got to sleep on the way there and on the way back, my mom sucks at driving and I still slept so that means one thing.

So Carl lost in the 2nd round, that sucks, but whatever because there is still Thursday through Sunday to win cash. One of his buddied who came down from NY with them in their big caravan made it to the final round and lost so that sucks, that was 10,000 dollars!

Carl did win one race today though, you cant just give in on this one and not go for it because the buy in was only 10 dollars and like everyone at the track put in and Carl won it lol, 600 dollars... I mean that's 60 racers> 30 races/runs... I dont feel like figuring that out right now, Im tired and it's late plus math is not what I wanna do outside of school..So yeah he won anyway, made 600 bucks, gave his dad 475 dollars and he kept 125 dollars for himself.That's the deal when he wins, 25 percent, that's a little more than 25, but it's close to it. Kind of sucks, but his dad coaches him and he loves to watch him race and win so the deal is good being that drag racing is fucking expensive, that money goes to fixing the car, buying new slicks, engine parts, race gas, gas for the motorhome, food etc... Lots of money and 600 bucks dont go fuckin anywhere.It's like 300 just to fill the motorhome so they will break like dead even with the food and gas prices when they return home if they dont win anymore and that's all... They wont have any other money for anything else used and abused unless they win so it's not alot of cash to them.

Well I had an ok night though, it was fun and my photography ended shortly after I got there. It's for moeny so I understand.The track officials told me to stop because it could potentially either piss someone off (very good chance) or screw up a driver(piss someone off lol) either way it's lose lose for me hah. So I quit and I guess if I go Saturday or Sunday then I can take pictuers up close and personal without a problem because it will be daytime, no flash needed and I might be able to sell some of those pictures, never know!

Maybe put together a quick website, toss the pics online and proof them all so you cant take them unless you want to pay me mula! I can hand out flyers with my name on them and the web address and boom, they get home after racing and they go online, see something they like and I can either send it to them via cd or print 5 by 7's here. I can even just send it to them via email... I dont know how that will work yet, maybe I'll think about it another time.


Im still lost about Brooke, apparently she wrote me back when I was thinking she didn't, maybe she just didn't send it by mistake but that bothered me until I found out. I care so much for her, God it's way outa my control, like I feel so stuck now and I dont like it because she doesn't want me for what I can give right now. I feel like shit. I hate the feeling of knowing you care for someone and want someone so much but they dont want what you do and cant give it in return. I sometimes look back and just picture not meeting her or maybe just not kissing her and starting this whole thing. I might have been better off because I'd not have had this drama now, I'd have probyl been better friends and then boom, a real relationship could come about. If anyone asked how I felt right now, they would walk off thinking I was in love with her. I dont know what's what anymore, I hurt alot, Im confused, I just want to hold her and listen to silence, I want to be hers and Im stuck on her every way. I never thought this would end up like this.

God I just figured it wouldn't work, she is too far away, I dont like long distance things, but damn I want it so bad. I want it even more just staring at this picture. You know when you come to a point after so long that the person you met is not what you thought they'd be, they are better now? I mean like when I first saw Amanda I was like really doubtful, I didn't picture dating a girl like her, idk she was just not really girly or blonde hair blue eyes supermodel and I was fooling myself and look what happened. I fell in love with a girl who was not fake tanned like the color of a potato, she was pretty low key when it came to dress, but I thought that was just fine too, she hardly wore makeup and I was like whatever and then waking up next to that girl was like the best thing I could ask anyone for. I didn't care anymore, I knew what I had was beautiful beyond words.

I am not saying I thought she was ugly, kinda ugly or not good looking. I just guess you come to a point where beauty increases with feeling and this feeling is killing me inside. I look at this picture of her from Round Up, it's just ah, Im soo happy I have it, it's just beautiful, she is so beautiful, just completely gorgeous and I need her in every way.Those certain few things about her, that smile...it drives me crazy.Brooke you are absolutely wonderful.She just looks so truly happy in that picture and I miss her that much more everytime I see her pictures. I wonder if she still has mine up. I cant imagine she would cause I think I really screwed up,but if I know her they are still up.God I wonder how she feels about me, I dont know anymore and it kills me.Maybe I just want to know too much or hear something she doesn't feel, like that she is really upset I said the things I did because she really wanted us to be together, but she cant because she realized there was alot going on.It just seems really cold to be so alone in my shoes, im scared, hurting..... I'd figure she'd be upset having to see them yet not see me in person and when she see's me we end up arguing anyway so it'd be like stupid to have to look at them, but I cant put the pictures away. I want many more and I cant get enough of her.


She wonders what I want, she thinks I want more and I do, she knows it, it's not some secret I am trying to hide, Im totally head over heels for the girl and I am just like the song "Shameless", I'm shameless, oh honey, I don't have a prayer every time I see you standin' there I go down upon my knees. I feel like I should try to resolve our problems in Ft.Myers first, but I think she is weary. It sounded like she wanted me to do more than she asked fo me before(to stop bringing her friends up and stop caring about what they say all the time), but I am really not sure just yet. I would like to know though.

I think she really wants my friendship and one day to hold my hand and look into my eyes with amazement of the guy I really am who treats her right, but yet I also think she tells me she wants to be friends because she is done with me, not interested and that she keeps skipping around answers for the same reason. Im really confused, hardly a worthwhile thought in my head for the taking and I just want to be loved. There is so much riding on my shoulders right now and on my heart too, it's amazing how heavy my heart is.. I know it's been far worse and I dont want that again, but I didn't picture it coming to this, to me feeling crappy, depressed, lonely, thinking about her when I see couples walking around. I am like in my own world of shame half the day and things are definately not the same. I haven't kissed her in a couple weeks now, God I forgot what it's like. Her smell, so far gone I dont know. It's like a bad movie that I somehow landed myself in.


Brooke I know I have told you before, but I gotta say it again, just listen and trust me.You trust me right? I'd never lie, I'd never take this feeling of pain and suffering from my heart away in trade for a worse feeling when you find out that I lied to you and then I push you away for good. I have too much to lose and I wont lie because I care about you too much. Please let me try to do this how I feel comfortable. I know the problem is in Clearwater, but what do you want me to do? I need to be able to go to Round Up or be around you while around your friends that I dislike and not care what they say or think and I cant just do that this weekend if you came here.I cant just up and do that with ease because it's like they know I am where I am, that we are miles apart right now and that there is alot going on between us and they know it's going to be an easy thing to piss me off.I want to try to ignore that stuff I do, but it really is hard. What do you want me to do to fix this? What can I possibly do here in Clearwater first before Ft.Myers? I want to fix the arguing between us, I want to baby you all weekend alone and treat you how you deserve to be treated. I want you to be able to come back to St.Pete/Clearwater happy that we are getting along and moving on and you will know that when Saturday night comes, we are ok, I am ok, things are better and we can be on step to something great.

Brooke you mean so much to me I cant explain it in words. I think showing you what I am made of already showed you a bit of who I am, how I feel, that I can be a shipwreck when I feel I am losing something so great, that I can cry over you. Im absolutely insane without you right now, you keep me sane and I need that. Will you please let me try things out my way? I want to see you, make things right and God I am going to make things good again, the way they were when we were both so happy in eachothers company, eachothers arms.


Everyday the feeling grows even with this seperation between us, it's like the opposite.I figured maybe I'd grow apart, but I am only growing more fond of you and the way I feel about you is amazing, you make me feel so good.I look at your picture and I am sad because you arent here and things are how they are, but damn I love looking at it, it's just so great to remember back as I look at your pictures. I miss you so much Brooke, please help me to straighten this out.I wont be anything but the best boyfriend/friend you can ask for and one of these days I promise you I am going to be your best friend if we can work together.

You want to think they mean well, yet you dont feel wanted at all. Ignoring people makes them curious and then they finally open up and talk. I had a long ride home tonight from a small drive away. Bradenton...Where the air is cool, all the stars in the world can be seen with the slightest ease because there are no lights out there and then you end up listening to some songs that just make you think about it all on the way home.How much lonelier does the road grow to be? I dont want to be alone, I dont want to be this way. I had alot before, now I dont even know what's left besides feeling depressed

I wouldn't have ever thought feeling wanted would be some concern of mine,this aint my first time being wrong either.

current song only because I heard it fucking 4 times in at Abbey Road last night and listened to it another 2 times today myself lol yeaaaah if anything is stuck, it's that...

So last night I had nothing to do, decided to head to Abbey Road with Brad and Ryan, pretty cool quaint little bar in a damn hole in the wall, cool place still. Pool,beer, completely shitfaced women passed out in chairs, yeah the whole nine, even karaoke ! The thing about the chick in the chair who was asssssed out, yes assed not passed lol, she was fucking drunk off her ass and hey what do you know, her pupils werent drunken pupils, they were constricted, not dialted like alcohol does to you! odd..! So we try to wake her up, her friend/boyfriend/whatever he was was freaking out so I went over, checked the radial pule, it was strong and about 100 bpm and she was breathing just fine, her eyes werent rolled into her head, but she was clearly not in the state of alrtness due to being shitfaced. I gave her a sternal rub and she started waking the fuck up haha. I knew it'd work, the guy was like omg dude keep doing what you are doing, it's working. I was simply rubbing her sternum on her chest (the hard bone there of your chest that joins your ribcage) with my knuckles, sober, awake, drunk or alseep, you understand that it is pain and most of the time you react to it, she had a good reaction which was pushing me away, trying to understand what it was and her eyes opened up quickly. I pinched her traps aka her shoulder right where there is a bit of fatty tissue, yet it's still a good point to do damage and she was slowly coming around to that sensation to, she hated it I am sure lol. She was probly thinking I need sleep fuck offfffff. So she finally got carried out, she walked out drunken and the guy couldn't help but jump on the guilty train of two and say man she aint been on drugs or anything I swear and then I realized her pupils were not dialted, they were constricted, yeah no drugs? Whatever, I dont care, that's what I told him... I just wanted to make sure her ass was not gonna go into an alcoholic coma aka alc poisoning and die .



So we drank a few, Ryans mom was there, a usual hang out I guess and we bs'd with her a bit and then started playing pool with a couple guys and after a while some new people came in and some of them happened to be like 5 guys willing to play us so they dropped change down to play next and I took over for Brad in teams, just Ryan and I against whomever on their team and we fucking smacked them every game except the last and even then we smacked them around till the eight ball came into play and I kept getting horseshit shots and so did they so it was like back and forth for 10 minutes trying to make something outa like 3 total balls on table, 8 ball, their last stripe and the cue ball of course. The girl who eventually started playing on their team won it for them, made me feel no different she sucked worse than the guys did, but yet she won the only game they ever won outa like 7 LOL! I was laughing inside and I knew they must have felt bad hahaa.

One kid must have thought he was an expert at pool or some shark when clearly he was just a jackass. He probably couldn't name one professional billiards player whereas I can name a few and back the skills up with it. I used to play league and tournament pool weekly, I was there like 3-5 nights a week playing... I spent serious cash, was coming home at 12-1 am on school nights and was also doing pretty good. I have a better understanding for the game now and a love for it as well, league would be fun to get back into for sure, but I am pretty busy so not now... Pool/Billiards takes quite a bit of time playing, lots and lots of patience and it truly will drive you insane if you dont understand alot of the essentila rules of play and how to play correctly. Learning the game is the best rule before getting into it, not just the rules of playing, but how to stroke the cue, use draw and put english on the ball, hard shit that clearly made the guy we played last night, insane.

We killed them and I could see there would be no hope for them. I understand that once I see a certain shot or how someone shoots, I will either have competition or own them easily and it came with ease. Tehy were quick to shoot, never really put focus to is and im sorry but pool is not a game of power, it's a game of elegance and it's probably 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical action..


I had fun there though, listened to some good music and it felt good killing them in pool, it's been a while since I had someone talk shit to me over a pool game because he swore he knew the rules when he clearly didn't. He even tried cheating as Ryan noticed when I wasn't looking. He pushed the ball forward and it sat, then he took the shot as if the 2 inches he got was going to improve his suck ass factor any more LOL. So I told him whatever man, your rules even though I know the BCA standard rules of billiards and that I have played league and tournament play as well as having a Viking cue at home and he was not close to being impressed which was fine, he was ignorant and I still ran the table on his ass lol, should have played for some money!!!


Today at work was ok, little slow the first part of the day, Helen was gone on a meeting all day until around 1 or so and Laura,Cindy and Susan were out on meetings for a short while as well and soon came back. Deirdra left at 3 for her G.E.D final test and after she left what do you know? All the calls in the world plus certificates from the bin were directed at me and then she was too lazy to fax her own shit.She bitched the other day because Roger asked her to use a typewriter to do this certificate req or something because that's how it had to be fixed cause it was not in the database or something so she tried pawning that shit off on me and I told her no... She then was like fine than do my certificates and I was like no... Im like, wait, dont try to punish me because you got picked to do something you dont want to do just simply because your arm is toooo damn lazy to slide that thing over and listen to the bell go ding..... yeah she comaplained it was too old and she didn't know how to work it, I explained how it was not so different and all you had to do was push the slide over when it singed and that was that and she stiiiiiiil made a fuckin excuse up like it mattered. She did it anyway and I let her do her certs too. I see her on Myspace talking to the little thugs half the day and I am frankly sick of it I just dont wanna cause shit.


She probably has less certs per day than I and at her rate of being there longer and getting more work than I usually do, that's sad.. I seriously see her on there alot. She might do a few certs and then boom right to Myspace for a while and let those certs pile up because oooooh they arent due till the next day or even later, yet then what happens? She aint coming in or something happens, she has an apt to go to, she has to leave for school or whatever and I get her pile up plus a ton of calls. I even get the calls she is supposed to fuckin answer when I am on break, fuck Shelly, that bitch thinks I need to answer every call as it comes to me and yet she gives the calls when I am at lunch to my damn voicemail, what's the difference there? There is Deirdra right there to accept them, wtf give them to her. I am sick of her saying ahhh ummm this unit owner "needs" to talk to you and all they wanted was a fuckin fax number Shelly could have given them, what a dumb bitch.She really irritates me like most days.She needs to be fired for her shitty tardy record of clocking in 15 minutes late like weeks in a row, smoking and then going to the bathroom when she gets there 15 min late so she officially starts work like 30 minutes after she is supposed it. Whatever..

My cousin Carl, his dad Carl(my uncle) and my other cousin from the other family, Scotty are all here in Florida, fucking woooooooT! I am gonna go see them either tonight or tomorrow, maybe both nights idk yet. I might shower in a bit and head over there and hang out for a while, it's been a few month's since I was last hanging with Carl, probly a year since Scotty..

They are in Bradenton at the track like 45 minutes from here so I can head out and see them for a while if I want to. The ride aint too shabby at all.They are in town to race there this week from like the tenth to the 13th so I hope they do well, I dont know which Carl is racing just yet, pops or jr, but maybe both idk... I just got done lookin at the track website and they might charge me, that fuckin blowwwwwwws! I am definately not paying to get in just to hang out for a while and they might not even let me in, idk yet... If it comes down to that, I'll park my car and hop a fence that's for sure lol.


so idk, not much else going on, excited they are in town for a few days, depends on how good they do and if they net the 200,000 dollar cash purse haha. Other things are bleh, whatever right now I am just unsure about some things.I hate hope, but I want to fill that blank in and use the word hope, fuck it. I want things to get better, not hope.

So Friday went to shit, it was an ok week since last weekend, usually is and then the weekend comes and so far it's just been easy to know what's going to happen next. Easy is not always the best way and this time around, easy to know means a shitty weekend and I dont want that. She means more to me than I ever thought she would. God at first I thought she wanted a little fun aka in other words a quickie just to get away from things and people need love and affection, there is nothing wrong with it. In my best interest I didn't want to say well wait, you want to get together and have sex with me dont you? Because then she'd probly think she was being slutty or I'd look like I was calling her a slut or something so I kinda poked around and said well what do you want? I need to know what you want from me and I was on the verge of the word sex all along, I just couldn't say it for the reasons I just explained so I felt like I was being viewed as retarded being that I was like ahh so what do you want before you leave for school and it was damn clear she wanted to see if a little love interest or whatever you want to call it, would be struck up in that time.

Eventually it did, wouldn't and couldn't have pictured one kiss would turn into my longing to be around a girl who kept me happy all the time, just having a girl who wanted to sleep in my arms. From watching tv while not sleepy at all, to turning towards me on a small 1 person couch just to wrap herself up in me and fall asleep with me right there with her. I miss those nights, those cant be brought back because those first moments of you have with someone new are always going to be there, just not available to experience again with that person, it's just not the same kiss of course, it's not that first kiss anymore or whatever, but I miss those times for sure,we had alot of good nights.



But back to Friday, that went down the drain, probably all because of me. I wanted to see what she was doing because I was ignoring her to keep myself away from her. It's hard to not want to be with her and not be a little upset that I cant just freely act the way we used to. It's my fault we cant, but at the same time being so used to kissing the girl you adore so much, that means so much to you, it just irritates you and makes your mind roll thoughts over and over and over driving you insane so it's really hard to deal with it sometimes, so far anyway.. I really hope to change it and myself for the better.


I was just upset that she forgot to call me, made me think she wasn't thinking about me at all and that's not me at all. I always think about her, but I guess I have been a jerk about things lately, not all and not all has been bitching on my part, but she seems to think so so I cant do anything but say "no I didn't bitch all the time" and then all I will get is my dumbass farther down the road or a smartass remark from her saying fine, 3 minutes of it was ok. So leaving it alone is the best possible thing to do. I just missed her, wanted to talk and I mentioned something trivial and then wound up in a damn argument again, let the past be the past though. I'll just pick it up from here.

I wanted to go to the zoo with her on Saturday morning because we had talked about it before, when we were a little better off than now. Well that disapeared easily of course. There was no point to asking because I knew the answer and knew what was best for us, space, a little time, not the zoo.

Saturday I did remember it all just like she said and I remembered we were at Bobby's house drinking a little, thing is, I actually only had one beer, a NewCastle and I was not drunk. Now before we got there I drank some and of course she made the point to digging that up asking how much I drank. I should have known it was for her knowledge on whether or not she wanted to talk to me, that sucks...I hate that.


So she wanted to know how much I drank, wasn't enough to be drunk, but I was having a good time, but we managed to get to "me bitching" somehow or another and then it was crap as I said. So yeah I remembered it all, regreted everything 10 times more the next day when I woke up and I knew I would, but I felt good saying things that were on my mind, bugging the hell out of me so I did it, I said those things and I did something I knew I'd do, dig my hole much deeper. Stupidity is a killer, recently I have been pretty stupid, but some things shouldn't be given up in order to get what you want and then again, some things should be.

I believe some change is neccesary in a relationship, but if there is alot of change needed, if someone ask's for you to go against what you have always known or just simply what you dont want to change about yourself, then maybe they arent worth your time. I have just felt as if I have been asked to change more than her. I want her to rid some friends that truly are snakes and not only I know it, others have talked to me, others know their ways from knowing them longer than I and they tell me everything that is just music to my ears. I cant ask her anymore though, that has to be tossed. I guess in the end I can quite possibly get my payback on Ryan by dating the girl I want so much that he cant have anymore. I guess that is payback enough without even saying a word. I am sure he hates me enough because Brooke wanted to hang out with me more and more and more as time progressed and that's his fault I guess. She was looking for a way out of the relationship as I see it. I know things were rocky for a couple month's , much like they are now, but I see the error of my ways, change is inevedable and I plan on making sure that change is for the better, the best there has been and for myself as well as her.


Saturday night was pretty decent for me though, thank God. I had been worried all day about what I'd be doing. I hate missing out on fun things and I didn't want o go to Round Up yet I really did. I didn't want to see her, but I did. I couldn't help but feel strong emotion towards her, a good emotion, but I knew she basically hated me through the whole day, hell I am sure hate is the prime word over the last couple weeks, it's ok I deserve that though adn all I can do is fix it for the future.

I went to get money from the bank for Dave and myself then head to the mall. Dave met me at Tyrone mall as he was not really far away as Denzils house wherever that is.Dave needed money for more than the above reason's he gave me, but that's ok I wasn't nosy about it. He didn't go to TRU as I asked, but it's his decision and I dont control him just because I loaned him 60 bucks. He is a good friend regardless and I dont mind loaning the money out or buying things for people if buying something relatively expensive if I get the money back when you tell me you will get it back. In his case, tomorrow is the day he told me he'd have his check cashed and get me the money back so that's cool.


I got a shirt from Pants Town in the mall, another John Deere of course cause I am super trendy and all, I'll be the next Paris Hilton but as a guy without a trucker hat. We walked around a bit after, I smiled at some girl working in Aeropostale I swore was Tiffany and walked in and said Dave you remember I was telling you about her and he was like idk and as I walked up it wasn't her LOL,yeaaaaaaaah so I quickly went ahh shit it's not her run lol. We just walked out and I said yeah she ahh works here, but that was not her and I just thought it was. Andy and Seth were working as usual, I walked by without a look to either of them because Seth has death written on his forehead and so many others think he is a complete dumbass too. One of my friends at Round Up thinks he is a short little shit talker waiting for an ass beating as well, hey what do you know, Im not wasting all of my time!

So after walking by, Dave stopping to talk to them for a minute, we went to the food court, Chik Fil A of course and then we took off.Dave had to be at Ambers for dinner at like 7 and I had nothing to do. I sat at home until around 9:30, got gas and took off for Round Up not knowing if anyone would be there. I contemplated going to see Brooke and go with her, but I told myself I am a moron and that'd never work, wtf are you thinking anyway? Simply that I am an idiot who cares basically, the guy who cares alot, but cant seem to stop being a dumbass and screwing himself over. Im gonna fix this shit though.



I got to Round Up and saw no one there I knew, holy shit the place was already pretty packed and the lot across the street was dead empty. I had a spot picked like 3 rows back from the front of Round Up. I waited for a car to pull out and snagged it.Waited a few minutes by the car just wondering if anyone would drive by I knew, smoked a cig and listed to some music then went inside. Looked around, no one... I saw Laura a few minutes later and that was it, slowly I saw more and more people, eventually I ran into Ryan whom wanted to fight me over that whore Carly as did I because he took her bullshit lies about sleeping around and then had a problem with me because he beleived her. He realized not long after she was fucking every dick she could manage and not bothering to tell everyone she slept with she was just busy screwing some other guy and that she might very well have a venereal disease. Then her whole birth control thing, yeah that really made me pissed so eventually that girl is going to screw the wrong guy and either A) pass on some disease to some other guy or many other guys and girls because she is bi and fucks her roomie...yeaaaaa...great stuff or she will B) fuck some guy who finds out she was sleeping with like 20 others in the last couple month's and he is going to flip out and kill her or something.? It's like screwing with the retarded kids at school, you keep pushing them around until anger builds and fear subsides.That's how it happens and then boom, the kids who werent competent enough to make good grades learned how to shoot up a school and you were the ones who sparked that whole event. ok enough of that lol.


Eventually lots of the regulars showed up. I saw Danielle first, told her I didn't think I'd be staying, if I did I'd not be talking to Brooke anyway, but I wanted to so bad. I told her my friends Ryan and Brad were both at the Trough and it was packed when I drove by it at like 9:45, yeaaaah packed like all hell early on too, wow... I wanted to go hang out with them and just enjoy my time elsewhere for once because I knew that if no one showed up at TRU, my night would be boring. I go there to dance and then talk with friends, not dance alone and wait for more songs. Danielle asked me to stay because she didn't know who would be coming and she didn't want to be alone there so I said ok...But I am going to let you know in a little while. I figured I was going to stay if at 11:30 I was still there and there were actually people there with us and that's what happened. People showed up, there was no damn line outside the whole night(WTF>?) and I managed to have a good time. I saw two people kiss eachother and one of those people, a guy is trying to talk to someone else right now, wtf? I looked at it as I saw it and just said whoooooooooa wtf was that lol, in a joking manner of course cause I dont give a fuck, but the two are only like "dating" who knows what is what and it's not serious so him kissing some other girl aint a big deal I guess, not my business anyway so I dont care. I was happy finally, just being with friends made me happy and I just had a good time joking around with people.

Brooke left early and due to Paige I guess, but it's better that way for me right now. I didn't like seing her leave at all, but watching her dance without me hurts alot more. I did Neon Moon for the first time without her, she did it with her sister, but it wouldn't have been the same to dance with her even if she would have said yes and chances are, she wouldn't have and if I was her at this time, I'd have had the plan to dance with someone else before I could ask, but that's my thinking of how mad she is right now.That's what I would do... I danced with Danielle and the song they played sucked anyway, I am glad it wasn't Brookes and Dunn's Neon Moon because I love that song and I love just looking at her everytime I spin her around right before the 2nd and final spin into the time you start back where you start the dance off. So the song was too fast, people are way too God damn retarded and they cant keep a beat in their head. It's not hard, the tempo comes so easy for me and I cant figure out if I am just good at hearing it because I like beats and drums, anything to do with percussion more than most or if I am just not a moron. I could see people going wayyy too fast for the song and some wayy too slow which just completely fucked me up. I had to look at my feet to keep my own pace so my eyes didn't say wait, you are off every other tard in here is doing it this way so catch up.


I had fun anyway, the only slow dance I did and I didn't want to dance it really. I told Danielle I would because we were both alone that night, Denzil was not there for her to dance with and I didn't have my partner in crime. I thought about it later and thought ehhh, it's a bitch for me to dance with her. I might be able to be a bit more comfortable if I change up somehow,but I am so tall, she is so short, a foot worth of difference between us and that's alot. She is hard for me to dance with because my back aches after standing in that position and trying to hold myself there. Finch and I talked a bit later on in the night, he is pretty steady with questions to see how good of a friend I am just because he is hearing alot of different things and I am happy to say that he aint left my side yet as my boy, my friend....


He asked me about a different scenario, slightly the same as Brookes, but not quite. He said now if I was your boy, a goood friend and I did something screwed up or had some pictures hidden away on my computer from years ago of some naked girls and I interrupted him and said but wait, he didn't have them from years ago and or like strip club pictures or whatever, they were pictures from recently and everyone tried to lie for him. He said no no, Im making my own scenario, dont compare mine so much to that one, this one is just mine I am making up. So he asked if you were my boy, I screwed up cause of some pictures I had from years and years ago or whatever, just a long ass time back and she left me, would you date her? I told him straight up, no way I'd not touch her or even give the slightest inclination I wanted to do anything with her and that's all he needed from me. He said good man, that's what I wanted to know. I wanted to see where you stood for real because I hear about this drama and I just wanted to know if you are friends with them, still have beef or whatever and I said yeah I still have problems with them because of the shit they said behind my back, the problems they caused, but I dont talk to them anymore so things should get easier, I hope anyway.

I am glad I got a buddy like Finch though, he is a good guy and always hears both sides of the story before accusing someone of stepping over any lines. He thought about it all this week since last Sat night at Bobby and Katies haloween party and thought about bringing it to my attention last night. I just wondered cause I thought about why that came up outa nowhere.I asked if anyone said anything or gave me a dirty look that he caught or whatever, he said no, it was just what we talked about a week ago and I didn't know what to think about it at first.


So the night was pretty good and I forgot, I talked to Chris, a friend of April, the girl who is in ZTA for USF. Chris aka Longo is there quite a bit, he says Dallas Bull sucks and he likes Round Up much better because the dancing is better there as well as the atmosphere. He told me I need to learn baja so I can get out there and dance to it,lol riiiight maybe one day.I am a little slower.We talked for quite a while, he is really a cool guy and I didn't think he would ever come around, but he is a cool guy to bs with. He told me he'd definately try to come out for my bday party and April wants to try to as well, I hardly talk to her, but I have feeling Chris and I will become good friends. His birthday is in February I believe and he will be 22 so I am older by two month's,I never would have guessed, he looks like he is at least 23 idk..

So I might be able to meet more new people out in Tampa at USF or whatever and at some parties. He actually told me I could have crashed at his house had I not had to work the Monday after Halloween because April had a party at her house on Sunday and I thought about going, but because of work, driving 33 or so miles to Tampa(yeah it's about 33 because I know the drive that well, she lives right there a whole mile or two from Amanda's apartments,joy.... I wont ever see her at any of those events though unless it's a crazy party at an apt complex where everyone is going to be because I dont believe April and her get along and Amanda thinks that April has a thing for every guy that she dated before because I started talking to April at Round Up and on her page, never anything serious or like dating wise, just friends and she took that into thought after seing her talk to a few others guys she dated before me, idk wierd coincidence I guess, whatever.


So I am glad we are good friends now and I am welcome to stay at his place, that's cool by me. Hopefulyl we party it up some weekend, he is a cool guy.

I thought about writing this journal no long after I woke up today and I haven't even gotten to that point yet, why I wanted to write. I had a dream today,I almost said this morning, but I didn't wake up till like 3 or so lol,I love my weekends though(for the most part).I know I had the dream not long before I woke because it was fresh in my mind and I was well aware of what the dream was about, wierd as most dreams, but I remembered it which is often hard to do.

I had a dream that I was walking down the road with Brooke and a couple other people were behind us, some friends? I dunno, but I was walking with my arm around her and things were perfect and I swear in my head.....that I was thinking wow, how is this true, we were just fighting so much and that's really wierd because I dont recall dreams of mine ever contradicting themselves. If they are great dreams, you dont recall your daily life in anyway that could make you remember that you recently had a shitty weekend with them or whatever, but I swear I was weary in the dream about kissing her. I did though and we were walking while kissing, it was like so picture perfect. I can put these words together and make you feel the moment I was in.It was kinda sloppy, lol I didn't get her lips dead on, but she was on my right side and I loked over and just did the little triple kiss we have, little quick pecks and on the side of her lips hah. I was so happy and then I woke up. Isn't that the way it always works? You never have a damn dream until your alarm clock needs to wake you the hell up, or your dad comes in to say something, until the dog walks in, bumps your foot and wakes you. It's strange as hell that your dreams are so perfectly timed that you have the greatest or the worst dream ever and right as something great or seriously wrong could happen, boom you dont get to experience it because you are awake... WTF?






All I know is that I had a dream that I kissed her and it was amazing, the feelings I had were so great and then I woke up, guess it wasn't too bad, I got to kiss her today and it's been like a week(Sat morning?) in reality...I miss it alot, God it hurts. I get that feeling many would explain to be butterflies, but my chest hurt, I like had this deep beating pulse, not really fast just deeper and it kinda made me feel a little worked up when I saw her. Like I am fine and then I turn around and see Paige and Brooke and instantly I feel like I did something wrong, that feeling you get when you know you are in trouble. I dont know why I get that kinda feeling when I see her, I guess I just compare it to that because I get nervous, my heart beats faster or stronger and I want to like sweat or something so that's probly the easiest thing to compare it to.


Ok well my dream was wonderful, wish I could go back to sleep and hold her tight and never let her go.


You have seen me be completely stupid lately, but I am going to change it. I am going to take you and surprise you and no matter what I gotta do to get that one thing I want and the one thing I know you'd love to have so much if you truly had it(a relationship with a pretty good guy who is straight forward and honest 100 percent of the time every day) I will do it to make it happen. You do something to me Brooke. I look at you and I cant even explain how much of me wants to smile knowing I am complete when we are together laying in eachothers arms.

For now, Im done and out.

Chris Ryan