ganeshalemming

"snowlantern, I was able to read about five sentences of that before I had to stop because it was so fucking upsetting and offensive because what you are saying is the exact same thing rape victims hear from people blaming them for their own rape."

I don't deserve to be called a victim-blamer. Please be specific about what I've said wrong so we can have a rational discussion about that.

"Please do not ever send that to anyone else you get in a debate with over rape."

I don't intend to. Like I said, I was very nervous about posting this in the first place, just for the few people in the PBW group.

"Especially the part about Cas not acting enough like he was raped."

My point was this: the alleged victim should at least have a say in whether what happened to them was rape or not. When it comes to Cas, a fictional character on a TV show, all clues we have access to indicate that he does not feel and has not at any point in time felt violated.

"Because I can guarantee you that if a handful of people read it, at least one person among them is gonna be a rape victim who ‘didn’t act enough like a rape victim’ afterwards."

I am one myself and I didn't either, so you don't have to school me about that.

"You know, Emma once got an anon who mentioned how they found themselves in a similar situation to Cas, and they called what happened to them rape. Would you tell them to their face that they weren’t? Of course not. But do you think that person isn’t seeing all these people talking about what happened to Cas wasn’t rape? That’s the shit I’m talking about, that’s the shit I don’t think we needs be a part of."

I agree that it's very very problematic and people might find it hurtful. I have every intention of being very watchful of what gets published and putting up all kinds of trigger warnings and disclaimers. I still don't want to issue a blanket ban on every possibility for discussion, though. If we are not allowed to talk about what is or isn't rape, nothing will ever change and we will be stuck in our rape culture. There has to be room for debate.

"I do not think you realize how problematic the things you were saying are, and since I am not really in the best headspace right now address your post point by point, I invite you to look at the “rape tw/tw rape” tag on my blog, they should suffice."

I feel very much attacked and vilified right now and not in the best headspace myself, so I respectfully decline for now. Maybe another time. You do seem to have thought about this more than I have, and I'm not saying this sarcastically (see below).

"Although since you say you ‘think it’s likely’ April was raped, you should know then by default Cas was raped. Cas did not consent to raping Human!April, he didn’t know Human!April was even there. It’s like, say Jane asks John to sleep with her. John agrees. Jane says “Here, put on this blindfold, and I’ll put on this gag, and then I want you to bone me.” but after John puts on the blindfold, Jane pulls a bound and gagged Emily out of the closet, puts her in front of John, and John penetrates her thinking she’s a willing Jane, but she’s an unwilling Emily. That is exactly what happened here (or at least, as best can be translated into real world scenarios). And that’s rape. For Emily, but also for John."

I agree. If April was raped, then so was Cas. I hadn't thought of it that way (probably at least in part because, like I said, I've adopted the headcanon that real!April was no longer in her body, so I didn't think the ramifications all the way through if she was in fact still there). You made me realize that, where I hadn't seen it before. You genuinely educated me, and I appreciate that. I WANT to be educated and informed about these things. It's not like I want to be some kind of rape apologist, here. I'm not your enemy, you know, I'm on your side. The fact that we were able to have this discussion is the direct reason why you were able to make me better educated. Couldn't have happened if the discussion had been forbidden to start with.

"But I just have to ask, just because you can twist and manipulate a situation to look like Not Rape, often by making several assumptions, the question is, should you? Why? What’s the purpose? What good is that gonna do? What is that going to accomplish other than enabling rape culture in media to continue unchallenged, and trigger rape victims?"

Well, I don't feel like I'm twisting and manipulating, I was stating my honest opinions. And the purpose is to have a climate where it's okay to HAVE opinions and talk about them. Frankly I feel like you proved my point that people have reason to be afraid of trying to convey what they're thinking.

"I’m not saying to shut down discussion."

But that is what you are saying. And it is what you are doing, as well.

"We should be talking about it."

But by "we", apparently you only mean those who agree with your view 100 percent?

"But just because we talk about it doesn’t mean we validate every bullshit opinion about it."

Of course not, and I never said I wanted to do that either.

"What constitutes consent is NOT up for debate, and one of the many fucked-up things about this country is that people think it is."

Precisely for that reason, we need to talk about it. People like you need to be able to inform the rest of us. Preferably without making us feel like shit, that would be nice.

"Emma, I’m sending you a message right now."

That sounds vaguely menacing, are actions being taken against me?

”Real!April was raped”

The reaper said that there was a real April, so we know the reaper had possessed her, but was she still in there? Reapers convey people to the afterlife, that’s their job. Maybe the reaper did that to April and then possessed her lifeless body. Extradiegetically we’ve been told that reapers are a type of angels, but as far as I’m aware we don’t have a better source for that than WB script supervisor Chad Kennedy, so it’s a far cry from canon imo. If we do accept that, however, we know that angels take live vessels and keep them alive. I don’t think we’ve ever seen an angel intentionally kill its vessel on the show. So in that case, April was presumably still there and she was raped.

We just don’t know. Personally, to be able to live with the episode, I’ve made it my headcanon that April was no longer in her body. But if so, the show should have indicated that, and they didn’t. Going strictly by what was shown in the episode, it’s reasonable to assume that April was present. However, there is still room for doubt about it.

”Cas was raped – the reaper lied to get him to consent”

She did lie to him by omission and he wouldn’t have consented if he’d known the truth, but I can’t agree that this is rape. It’s a matter of definitions, and I think that if you label this rape, the meaning of the word is diluted too much and it starts to become meaningless. I’m speaking here as a rape survivor myself. I live in Sweden, and in recent years there’s been a lot of discussion here about exactly what does or does not constitute rape. Unlike the US, for example, we didn’t have such a thing as statutory rape, so sex with minors could be labelled sexual assault or something like that, and there was an obligation to prove that the minor had resisted. This law was in effect when I was raped, so my rapist would not have been convicted if I’d said anything about it to anyone, which I didn’t.

I think that an adult having sex with a minor is committing rape. I think that sex with someone who is drugged or very drunk or unconscious is rape, because they’re not able to consent. I think that when someone lies to get someone else to consent to sex, that is sleazy and inexcusable behavior, but I don’t think that it’s rape or that it should be punishable by prison. If that’s rape, then both Sam and Dean have committed it as well. Dean told the amazon he was a successful moneymaker, which made her have sex with him because that was the kind of guy she specifically targeted. Sam lied by omission to Amelia by keeping his entire life from her. For that matter, Cas didn’t tell ”April” the truth about himself either, and she (the real April that he thought she was) might not have consented if she’d known the full story.

In fact the amazon lied to Dean as well, and so did Amelia to Sam (she didn’t mention her husband). Both Dean and Sam have probably consistently lied, actively or by omission, to all their casual sex partners. Jess didn't know about Sam's background. Dean didn't tell Lisa all about himself before their first bendy weekend. The show is full of the type of sexual encounter where one or both parties isn’t telling the whole truth. In fact it’s an extremely common trope in all fiction.

”Cas was raped – survival sex”

The reaper acted extremely sleazily. If you imagine the same situation with the genders switched, it’s even clearer just how creepy it was. I just can’t agree that Cas was not ABLE to consent because of the situation.

I think that survival sex is rape. But when you slap such a serious label on something, you have to be very careful with your definitions, and I don’t think that Cas’ situation amounted to survival sex.

Sex for food and board? He’d already eaten the sandwich. The worst that could happen was that she’d throw him out. So, another night in the cold and wet. Not very nice, but not by any stretch of the imagination a question of survival. For that matter, he could have just locked her in the bathroom and slept in her bed if he wanted. She (the real April that he thought she was) could not in any way force him into anything. And any argument veering into Cas being mentally unprepared or unable to handle her advances, I can’t take seriously. He’s been an angel for millions of years and he’s been through much, much worse. He can handle himself. If he didn’t want to have sex with her, he wouldn’t have had sex with her.

Cas did not show any sign of considering himself to have been violated. Not at the time, not immediately afterwards, not later in the bunker with Sam and Dean, not weeks later in the bar with Sam and Dean.

The episode was extremely crappy, for sure. BucknerRossLeming should never EVER be allowed to write sex scenes – it’s like they’re in a
competition to make them as offensive as possible. There were definitely consent issues, that weren’t in any way acknowledged in canon, and TPTB (Robbie Thompson, was it?) allegedly informed us that the writers didn’t intend for them to be there. From canon information, it seems likely that real!April was indeed raped. Problematic crapfest all around.

But. I personally don’t agree that Cas was raped, and I consider it a viable position that April wasn’t either. And you know what, I feel like my opinion is not allowed in the fandom. I’m honestly scared to even talk about it because of the reactions I might get. We have to be able to at least discuss these things. I can’t think it’s right to shut down any discussion of it or different views on it with a blanket ban.

You know what I just realized? I just realized why Dean was being so harsh to Sam in the beginning of the season about missing Kevin's calls. It was because Dean felt he himself had failed Cas and left him behind in Purgatory. Dean thought he had let Cas down. It was a sore point for him and he couldn't stand the thought of anyone else reaching out to a Winchester for help in vain. So he projected that sense of failure and inadequacy onto Sam and reacted way too accusing and unforgiving about the fact that Sam had turned his phone off for a year. 

And also, as someone else pointed out in an episode discussion, it wasn't until Dean knew he hadn't let Cas down that he really became Dean again. Until then he was harsh, demanding, on edge, war-damaged. He's a changed man after finding out from Cas what really happened. Cas completely absolved him of guilt and lifted a considerable burden off Dean's heart.

Seven households close to me are moving this year. My sister and her family are selling their condo and getting a bigger place for rent. Housing prices have skyrocketed during the 16 years they've lived there so they're gonna cash in. Finally they'll have some money! And finally sis and her hubby will have a bedroom of their own instead of bunking in the living room. I don't know how either they or the kids were able to stand it for this long.

My dad and his wife are moving into town, right into my neighborhood, I think that's great. My uncle is moving back to Jackdawtown after his divorce. Two of my glee club girls with families moved even further away from Jackdawtown, silly girls. Annie and her family bought a bigger condo, wisely still within walking distance from me. And finally Mary Poppy had to move because she was renting a room in a condo that the owners decided to sell, and she found another room that comes cheaper, has its own bathroom and is a lot closer to her new boyfriend. 

So, things are going well for a lot of people. Annie and Charles got a daycare spot for Vic in the fall, I never expected them to get that so soon. I'm getting a lot of money back for overpaid taxes. Joanie's hubby finally got a job, and it's here in central Jackdawtown so the two of them can have lunch together. It seems to be a year of movement and flow. 

All the best months lie ahead. April, pre-spring with the light and the birdsong. May, the greening. June, paradise on earth. July, the heavy, humid ripeness of summer and vacation. August, a generous overabundance of yet more summer with the dark, warm evenings. September, the hope for a few more sunny days and coffees outside. The little river is all swollen and pretends to be mighty and dangerous, sweeping a threatening finger of water (a few inches) over the lowest of the piers downtown. "Maybe I won't flood your homes this time, but I could if I wanted to!" I've heard blackbirds, and I've seen pigeons and mallards start courting each other. Predictably, I pop my head up too like a snowdrop flower. I made a conscious decision to be more social last week and expanded my circle outside the usual suspects, Joanie and Annie. It's been many months since I had energy for the glee club, but yesterday I finally met them again. They all persist in living so bloody far away, how inconsiderate of them. And the only one who actually lives in Jackdawtown just bought a house in another town an hour away, what was she thinking??? Yesterday we went to visit Glee Annie, who lives in the countryside and owns forest and keeps chickens. Dinner was a young rooster of hers that she'd killed herself, with a slaughter method that she'd invented herself to boot. Moonie, you and Glee Annie would have a lot to talk about.  :)  We all went to feed the chickens after feeding on their unlucky comrade. She keeps special breeds and they are so cute and lovely, the roosters look amazing. It's always fun to feed animals, they get so excited with contagious, simple happiness.  :)

For someone in a hermit phase, I've seen a lot of people lately. Josie, Joanie, Annie, the Marys and my mom, all in the last week. The Marys came over on Friday for a bite to eat and some wine. Mary Poppy was together with Lee for a while, so that's how we met, and Other Mary is her best friend. Mary Poppy is tiny, she has an underweight problem and was happy as punch because she managed to gain a few pounds recently. Might go better if she stopped smoking, she's reading a book about how to stop now. She's tiny and short with black hair. Other Mary is a big blonde strapping girl who works as a security guard. She's both nice and straightforward and I find her really easy to be around. I bought a couple of cheese and meat pies from the store and cracked open one red and one white wine. This was the first time since... late summer that I drank enough to get a little buzz. I pretty much don't drink anymore and I want to keep it that way. The hangovers are worse than death these days. 

Lucy-cat quite liked both Marys, since they're both allergic, and even allowed Other Mary to pet her a little. Such an enormous compliment. I barely get to pet that cat (grumble grumble). 

Yesterday was one of those picture-book winter days. Sun was shining, sky was blue, snow was glittering like jewels of all colors had been carelessly thrown everywhere, there was smoke coming from what water was still flowing in the iced-over little river. It was very very very cold. Mom and I took a walk downtown and watched the ice-skaters on the swan pond and wandered around looking at ice sculptures. I've never seen ice sculptures before with my own eyes. The special effects created by the incredibly clear ice and the blazing sunlight were unbelievable. We rested for a bit at the Birdsong where they serve Jackdawtown's yummiest hot chocolate with whipped cream. On my way home I looked in on Annie and Baby Vic and more or less crashed out on her sofa. I was exhausted. She gave me coffee and chocolate cake that her husband had baked, good hubby there. When Annie left to warm some milk for Vic, I sang to her a bit. Vic was absolutely fascinated by that. She sat in my lap gazing at me with wide open eyes, and barely moved for fifteen minutes. That was fun. Like I have a tiny superpower. In a month Vic will be a year old and she can stand on her own without supporting her hands now, for a few seconds anyway. I can't call her Baby Vic much longer, she'll be Toddler Vic soon. She's so cute. I'll really like her when she gets that drool problem under control.  ;)

It snowed again. Once again the world is white, only even more so since there's a lot more daylight now. It's restricting whenever you need to get somewhere but so beautiful. 

I'm back into a normal work routine and it feels so good. These days it feels like I need work to keep my life balanced, like I need that structure to my days. Is that really true? It seems a little scary. For most of my life I've been sure that everything I do outside of work is the important stuff, and work is just something I have to do to put food on the table. I mean it certainly makes life easier if you like your work, if you like working, but it's... just not me, I guess. Maybe I feel like it implies the rest of my life is a little empty. Is it pathetic to enjoy working? 

Andy (Eve's ex) called about maybe starting up that Call of Cthulhu campaign again. I said I'd have to think about it, but the only thing I'm thinking about is how to tell him no. It was great and so much fun back in its day, but everything is different now. I'd hate to be in a role-playing campaign with Eve these days and she can't stand me. Everyone involved except me has moved out of town so it would be a hassle. And I'm so stingy with my time and energy nowadays. If I should have any left over, I'd rather spend it on people I actually want to be around. 

Everything has its time, and the time for Cthulhu is past. But it was fantastic while it lasted. I loved my character so much I almost felt like I had BEEN him in a previous life. He was a professor of parapsychology, born in Romania in the 1800's from a noble family without money. He was a gallant, academically stylish little man with a brilliant mind, a white fringe of hair around his head and gold-rimmed glasses. He always insisted on going first into danger, protective of the young ladies (who were better armed, younger, in better shape and in every way better suited to handle danger). If anyone insulted a lady in his presence he would draw his rapier, which was normally concealed within his walking-stick, and challenge that cad to a duel. And he knew how to duel, and ride a horse, but he wasn't so great at driving a car (because Andy and I forgot about that line when filling in his character sheet), but he still tried, figuring he'd get the hang of it eventually (I could cast the dice for experience points every time he managed to drive without totalling something). Oh yeah, good times.  :)

I've become very rigid about my Sundays. They're my time. I don't want to plan anything or meet anyone, I just want to spend every Sunday by myself at home doing whatever I feel like. It usually involves a long lazy breakfast with the newspaper crossword, puttering about, lunch in the afternoon (garlic & veggie rice today), and then coffee in front of the TV with Lucy-cat sleeping on my lap. I hope TPTB realize they can never change the Sunday programming, it has to stay the same forever. Well, except to add such delicious treats as the new British series Sherlock. As soon as I'm done writing this entry I'm making coffee for my weekly holy TV time.

Yesterday mom and I took a walk on the icy ground to a part of town where I haven't been much since I went to the equivalent of high school there. Mom had a discount offer from a coffeeshop there, situated where the library used to be. She got the offer because she does volunteer work for the Red Cross, something that seemed to strike a chord with the guy in the coffeeshop. In addition to our discount coffee and semla he offered us yummy saffron cookies and a delicious petit-choux for us to share. Real VIP treatment in a cute little place.

Then we went to the movies and saw Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part I. I don't know. Mom kept nodding off. i managed to stay awake but wasn't exactly on the edge of my seat. Feels like they could have done more with it, even though I wasn't satisfied with the book it's based on either and they did find some beautiful locations. Oh well. It's a cash cow. There are lots of people like me who have seen all the previous movies so we're not going to miss the last ones no matter how bad they are.

Next I want to see the latest Narnia movie. And get a haircut. My hair is seriously annoying me now. I need to bleach it too.

Coffee and TV time!

Because a large number of women, Joanie and me included, don't go to the gyn exams designed to screen for cervix cancer, they've recently started sending out test kits where you can easily swab yourself at home and mail in the result. I mean very recently – both Joanie and I did that for the first time last year. That timing may have saved Joanie's life. 

November she was called in for an exam since they had found the virus that can lead to cervix cancer. They put her under and, in a gyn type procedure, scraped away the surface of her cervix as I understand it. That caused a menstrual type bleeding that lasted for four weeks. The test results on the scrapings showed that she had cancer, and that they might not have gotten all of it, so she was scheduled to repeat the procedure two days before Yule. They did the same thing again, she bled for another four weeks, and this time they got it all. The cancer may come back, but it shouldn't be a problem since she will be tested regularly and they'll just nip it in the bud again if it reappears.

You know what I mean by gallows humor? She's got it, we both do. She said to me last week, "If you're gonna have cancer, this is the type to get. Comes recommended by me."

So physically she's fine, and all indications are she'll stay fine... but jeez. This all happened so fast. I asked her how she feels. She said, "A little bit like someone opened up the top of my head and scrambled my brains."

For Yule I gave her a Yule tree ornament in the shape of a silver heart. My precious Joanie.

I'm never good with November, but I feel good about today. I wandered through a few shops, found a cute bottle for home-made berry booze and a beautiful 2011 wall calendar with photos of faery houses. I love that there is a person who builds little faery houses out of leaves and pebbles, takes pictures of them and leaves them there ready for the faeries to move into. Had lunch downtown by myself with The Truth by Terry Pratchett to keep me company. I always laugh out loud while reading Pratchett books. People probably think I'm nuts.  :)  It's been snowy and frosty for a week or two. November is so much better when the ground and the trees and the rooftops are white. Next weekend is the official start of the Yule season, although of course it's all over the shops already. I love the Yule season, I'm all wide-eyed anticipation. I keep piling on more Yule traditions every year.  :)