fowo, posts by tag: thoughts - LiveJournal

Among others, Unheilig played at the Amphi.
And for the first time in over a year, I could finally listen to "An deiner Seite" without getting angry rage hate emo fits. I seem to be, at last, at peace.


(He is such an awesome singer and character, too. And his voice is sooo soothing. I love Unheilig, I really do. :3)

I use this icon for this part ofg the post:
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.... D8
(Anyone mind telling me wtf they haven't got Fran but a 400€ heavy Gabranth?! GRARGH) (I MUST ADMIT ASHE'S RING IS VERY GOOD LOOKING. GODDAMNIT.)
< /icon>
Money, I need sum. (seriously, I'm broke like I haven't in... a while.) (I get less money than before. *sigh*) (I need a job, but Mom won't let me work. I know it's not really a reason, but a good excuse. I guess I'll just... not buy things in the next months.) (Or stop eating.)

I overslept Fa-Info-Mang ("Fachspezifisches Informationsmanagment", wtf) today. :'D First time ever that that happened, and seriously, the class is so stupid and boring, I couldn't have chosen anything better to do so. ;3
Otherwise, uni ist still fun and fulfilling. (Oh the pathos!) I got to know Anna yesterday, a young woman who studies Philosophy, German and Scandinavian Studies (Magister) and shares a few classes with me. She's awesome and very very nice and outgoing. She sta next to me on Monday and talked to me because I was doing my Danish homework (yes, working for Scandinavian languages next to somebody who studies Scandinavian Studies is always a good start for a conversation.)
During the Philosophy class, I noticed she has scares all over her under arms. Scars from blades. I do know what cutting scares look like, and for a moment there, I was horryfied. For two reasons. Firstly because I get a natural defensive stance because I have a deep fear that peopple who have psycic problems could transfer them onto me, and secondly because she was so nice and fun and I liked her from the first moment on that it was hard to believe she had those problems.
I guess it's been a long time since she cut herself because the scars were all healed and there were no new ones, and people who cut themselves usually want to hide the scars and not go around and show them off. But yeah, that made me think.
She is such a nice person, though very likely older than me (I have huge complex with being befriended with people who're a lot older than me), I even stood in front of the university's main building with her between two classes and kept on talking.
I need to ask her if she wants to go drink a coffee sometimes. *sigh* Same for Solvejg. Getting friends can't be that hard. I know I can be a bastard of a person sometimes, but doesn't everyone have their bad side? D:
Although I think that Solvejg really likes me. We donhaven't done much together, but she keeps a place free next to her in our mutual classes, she greets me when we see each other on the way to uni, she invited me to her belated birthday party (THAT I CAN'T GO TO, goddamnit! D:).
Maybe getting to know people has become alien to me because I never had to before? School spoils you there...

Otherwise, I'm moving Thursday to Sunday. Eeek! <3

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Alleine schlafen ist blöd. Ich hab drei Stunden lang heut Nacht mit lesen zugebracht, weil ich nicht schlafen konnte. Auch, wenn man ab und zu aneinander gerät ("Du hast ein 1,40m Bett und ich grütze hier auf 20cm rum, rück mal rüber!"), seine Matratze je nach Lage für meine komischen Schlafbedürfnisse die Hölle ist (Schaumstoffmatratzen...) und es mir schwer fällt, an ihn gekuschelt einzuschlafen (ich bin ja seit jeher Löffelchen-Fan, aber leider wälze ich mich halt auch viel und nach zehn Minuten war's dann das mit dem Kuscheln, da ich auf dem Rücken zum Verrecken nicht schlafen kann), merke ich doch, wie sehr ich mich daran gewöhnt habe, ihn um mich zu haben. Beim Aufwachen zu ihm zu rücken und wieder einzuschlafen, um zwei Stunden später aufzustehen als geplant. xD; Ich weiß genau, woran ich bin, weil wir uns schon so lange kennen. Alle Macken kenne ich schon: Sein nervöses Umherlaufen beim telephonieren (ES MACHT MICH IRRE), seine Planlosigkeit, seine Langsamkeit (ich bin dreimal schneller fertig morgens als er xD) und dass er meine Wasserflaschen so fest zudreht, dass ich sie nicht mehr aufbekomme (ich musste eine zweite anbrechen, weil ich sie einfach nicht aufbekomme!!), aber ich weiß auch ganz genau, was ich an ihm habe: Jemanden, der mir widerspruchslos und stundenlang den Rücken krault. Der mir beim Abwasch hilft. Der Anrufe für mich tätigt, weil ich mich nicht traue. Der sofort merkt, wenn etwas nicht stimmt, und es auch tatsächlich schafft, mich zum Reden zu bewegen. Der mir mitten in der Nacht seine letzten Spaghetti kocht.
Und der mir sein Leben lang treu ist, der mich nicht belügt.
Und wir sollen jetzt erst vier Monate zusammen sein? Fühlt sich wie länger an. Wie vier Jahre, quasi.
Auch, wenn wir geographisch noch durch den Rhein getrennt sind, steht eine zweite Zahnbürste bei mir und eine zweite Zahnbürste bei ihm, und ich weiß, dass er immer ein L-Shirt zum Schlafen für mich dahaben wird.
Und diesen kleinen Ausbruch habt ihr jetzt nur der Tatsache zu verdanken, dass das neue Tomte-Album draußen ist, zu dessen Lied "Der letzte große Wal" wir im Auto saßen, bei offenem Fenster, mit Philipp auf dem Weg zurück von der O, und ich mich unglaublich frei und glücklich fühlte.
Ich werd heut Nacht wieder nicht schlafen können, aber wenn ich aufwache, ist er wieder hier, und das ist ein gutes Gefühl~
Dass ich mich so geirrt habe das ganze letzte Jahr über ist schon nicht mehr feierlich. Aber hier zu enden, wo ich jetzt bin, war all die Schmerzen und das Drama wert.

I think it's due to be said out loud:
I'm as happy with myself and my life as I have never, ever before. Everything is alright at the moment. I don't argue with my parents. I'm happy with my body, and, additionally, with the Fowo that's inside. I'm in the best hands I could wish for (seriously, why did I wait four years... then again, maybe I had to to make it this good?) and everything is just... fine. Not having to go to school anymore is good for me, I can feel that. And I know where I'm going, I have plans as to what I am gonna do, and I know where I'm coming from, the like. It's like I've waited my entire life for this to start. This; myself, my future, my relationship... I feel like I've always been on stand by and am now, finally, able to switch power on, so to say.
It's... amazing, and it feels so good! :D I mean, I'm a very positive person and I've always tried to be as positive about myself and my life as I could be, but that came and went, you know? Now, this state of... complacent-ness has been holding on for... well, about a month now? I built my self-confident up after the breakup, and it's... still here. I feel still as confident about myself as I did in May. And I'm sure it's gonna stay that way, too. :3
Si was even able to prove that I'm not retarded (which I, seriously, thought. I mean it. I really thought I was kind of, I dunno... retarded. xD;) and I'm very thankful for that, but that's probably, just a sign of my enhanced self-confidence as well. :3 Whatever it is, it feels good.
Anne and Thit even told me that I'm appearing very content and happy to the outer world, so I'm not just imagining things.
Seriously -- it took way to long for me to get here, but I'm glad it finally came.
Yay!

Anyway, I've returned safe and sound from Brussels, where I've spend three days with my literature class. <3 Our Good Bye trip, if you will. Needless to say that it were three fabulous days. Brussels isn't exactly my type of city (London, Paris and Cologne, baby!), but nevertheless, it was nice. We stayed in a Youth Hostel for the nights, and I bought a new scarf, a bag and an earring. :D We went to the parliaments and a few other sight seeing places. (If I were to go alone, I'd never go, but was I asked? Noo.) It was pretty much epic, but three days was a little too less days, oh well...
Anyway, we returned around four, and at eight Nina's School's Out party started. All in a small, private circle, of course. We were maybe ten to fiveteen people, all of the okay kind, not the pimps and whores kinda guys, blech. And it was soo epic. I had so much fun, I dunno where to start telling! <3 It was the fisrt party I went to after I started drinking, and Me and Felix started off with two glasses of Baileys. <3 Yum. Afterwards, Baileys in coffe, even more fucking YUM, Jesus Christ that was tasty. Afterwards some Jack Daniel's with Christoph, something that tastes like denautured alcohol which me and Felix hurriedly tipped away. %D And some Beck's, but I didn't like it... Anyway, I'm surpised hoe resistant I am to alcohol. I really drank a lot, but I were completely sober. Tipsy, okay, but sober. Till was amazing, though, he was really drunk and started to say so much crap! xD He actually said everything that came to mind. We were all trying so hard not to laugh. xD; And he cared an awful lot about me, which was sweet. :>
And Christoph thought that Si was my brother, and I gently told him he's not. xD
And after Nina, Felix and me brought Till home (Till opens the door to his house and asks: "Is the door open?" xDD), we cruised a little, listening to awesome music ("friends" by Queen and "the last unicorn" by America and the like xD) and sung along and the sun was rising and all... Aah, beautiful. <3
Ah, it was an awesome eveining, it felt so good to be around people who I like, and who like me. If I say now that I'm gonna be missing them, I'd lie, because the ones I really care about (Caro, Till, Felix, Christoph etc) I'll contact one way or the other, wherever they might end up in the world. <3
Oh, and I watched my firt soccer game ever. I admit it's a lot more fun if I can sit next to Felix and bury my cold feet under his, or place my head in Caro's lap and watch it. xD But hey, Germany won! ('schland!) ("FINALE, OHOHOO.")
Ah, the last few months, after we didn't have to school anymore, really were a great time that I will always blissfully look back to. :3

When I weighed myself today, I was at 54.1kg with clothes. It doesn't really show (in the thights and slowly, slooowly in the ass xD), I'm as slim as before, but to think that I lost two kg in two weeks by cycling every evening... Wow. I mean I didn't change my eating habits or stuff... *inconspiciously pushes chips away...* And I actually don't plan to. I think I will never be able to resist sweets. I just crave them too much. *noms chips again*
But considering my weight loss, I'd say 54kg is, like, my ideal weight. The additional two kilograms I had on my hips were probably just... fat. Surperflous. I might weigh a little too less now, but I feel... good. I've never felt like I could accept my body as it is. Not I... I do. I feel self-confident. If Si tells me these days how pretty I am, I... I believe him. I look in the mirror when I put my make-up on and I like what I see. The hair. The eyes, the nose, lips. Neckline, waist, god, even my boobs. A little to small, but hey... that's me, right? They're my goddamn boobs. If people don't like 'em, it's their problem. I actually bought a bra yesterday that wasn't a wonderbra. But it is pretty, black and violet, as I like it. (I've always wanted pretty underwear, not that anybody but me would ever see it, but. For myself. And stuff.) Small isn't necessarily bad, amirite.
I started to feel okay about myself after the break up, at first because I thought... feeling good about myself must get me and my ex further, right? I was the hold up. Me and my wrecked ego. Or so I thought. I read "Feuchtgebiete" and though I probably shouldn't admit that, it gave me convidence. I'm weak like that. Go on, laugh. Well, the ex went, but the confidence stayed. Reverse Fo -- a while ago it's been "Pretty Ego in an shattered body", now it is "Shattered Ego in a pretty body."
Pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside, I guess. I've become what I've always hated most. But I know I can keep the pretty body and I will, slowly, slowly take my time to heal.

The Stone Tower to Babel -- Why Termina was doomed, a theoriy from zeldauniverse.net that I, being the Majora's Mask lover I am, love very much. I've always craved for more sense in the game (we all know Nintendo slacks a little, but that leaves the fanon), as well as more love for the game.
There are so many people who didn't get Majora's Mask, or didn't play through it because they say it was "hard" (pshah!). If you only KNEW what you missed. The fandom wanted a "grown up" Zelda, a mature one. And failed to see that, while they were waiting for Twilight Princess, Majora's Mask was the eeriest Zelda they had. The other Zeldas might have dealed with Ganondorf, okay, world domination and all, but that was the given. (Sorry, Ganny, but your idealistics are not the most useful. Although, admittely, I dig the TWW-Ganondorf and his idealistics. <3)
Anyway, I think Dan says a lot of true and good things in this article. Think of how he said Termina defied the Three Goddesess and stuff; it would make Majora's Mask even darker than it is already. (Whole country of defectors, whooho!)
Well, what does my flist say?
I know I'm gonna replay MM after my oral exam. Will get my mind off things, too.

THAT! Is Irnony with a capital I. See me loling.
Seven years ago, at the second day of my ex-ex-ex-boyfriend Simon's three-day-visit, we (including Kerstin because I was afraid of being alone with him xDDD;;;) went shopping in M'Gladbach and he bought a few bottles of alcohol. I can remember some strawberry-stuff, which is one reason why I despise(d?) alcohol for a long time. I didn't want to drink it, so Kerstin held my head back and Simon made me drink it. It burned in my throat and didn't taste well. And. The entire action of them? Not. Pleasant. Thank you, then-boyfriend and then-bff. ¬¬
Anyway, that evening, Simon also bought some kind of Baleys, the cheap version. We... He never drank it and gave it to me when he left the day after.
I gave it to Dad/Dad took it away from me then, and I didn't want it anyway because I don't drink. Never cared what became of the bottle afterwards.
What's the big deal, you ask?
Well. Mom came in my room just now and gave the bottle back to me. She was making ice coffe and found it upstairs in their Whiskey-showcase-thingy. I was very, very amused because this is Irony at its best, shakespearean-Irony almost.
Anyway, I'm either taking it with me tonight, or try it myself later. Yes, because I started drinking. Only a little. But. I thought I was way, wayy to biased about alcohol, and when I was with The Usual Suspects last week and Felix tried out a few wines, I drank with them. Four wines, three I drank, one I more or less liked. And to my surprise, no, I'm not drunk after the first glass, but it was weird to... not be able to walk straight ahead. Felix had to support me all the time. At that point, I started drinking coke again.
Also: Wine isn't my thing. Rosé, if any.
That was that. Back to reading/writing FAKE.

I think now is a good time to reread FAKE, finally. Like I planned for... what, a few years now and never did? Well, I guess now I have plenty of time. Along with all the other books I need to finish! I'm half-though with "American Psycho" and have only finished, like, a quarter of "Ausgebrannt", a German thriller by one of my favourite authors. (Andreas Eschbach, if you care.)
I feel like writing. I feel like writing a lot, actually... ("Torture the artist" anyone? Joey was so right! Unfortunately.) Not that I'd be okay enough to think of a storyline for, let's say, a rewritten version of "Das Chaos", but yeah. Drabbles will do. And I feel like Dee and Ryo will guide me through the next weeks like they did after... the first time something like this happened. We'll see. They're always fun to write, and easy, too. As I said, I'm gonna reread it and see if inspiration strikes. I don't think my yaoi.de-days will ever be returning. One fanfic every day? I'm not good as that anymore. But... Yay fluff!

I spent my night with pondering and watching one movie after the other, but falling asleep was kinda hard. Might also be my fucked up rythm but meh. Luckily I was asleep before the sun came out. And N. woke me up with a call just now, yay! After my SOS-call didn't reach anyone last night, we're gonna have a barbeque. Not for me, mind you... xD; But ayayay! That'll last for a few hours and I don't have to worry about how to spend my evening. :> Because yesterday was hard. I tidied my room and had a shower and spammed AVEN, but it all didn't really help. Thanks to Kay and Uly at this point, I love you two, you're awesome. <3
Mom gave me a little set of powder and eyeshadow yesterday, right after it happened. Good timing, Mom. <3 We went shopping yesterday and I had a nice day, we bought a top for my prom and I was generelly happy, so the edn of the day couldn't have been worse. Mom said I was supposed to get the make-up after my oral exam, but because now my skirt/top/shoes set is compelte and I got the make-up today as well. Asia-Make up! The eyeshadow are four colors to combine, and I'm soo excited to try it! <33

I might end up playing GoW a little, too. I guess I'll need a helluva lot games the next days. xD; Twewy is not an option. Maybe I'll finish "Professor Layton & the Curious Village" (not that I'd have started, but I know how it ends, so yeah) and maybe re-play Hotel Dusk because of its gloomy emo factor. Majora's Mask might be a good choice, too. I seriously need to finish the game completely more than just once. But augh, the temples...

Oh, speaking of Zelda, now this is highly inappropriate, but at least I had something to think about other than, yeah. The obvious.
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That was awfully random, but it kept me distracted for about an hour. I'll get some coffe now, and see... see what I'll do with my free time.

My darling-sweetie-pie-honney (you guessed it; daftmue) drew my OC Tuomas, hottest Dane on earth for me, pretty unexpectedly, too.
I react very sensitive (in a positive way) to fanart, because it inspires me like WHOA. No wonder, especially Tuomas's story was FILLED with illustrations because Ma-chan loved to draw him and the other guys, but sadly, I haven't only lost her, but her talent as an artist as well. (I still have her pictures on my wall, and owe his post-story outfit still to her, and still think this is Tuomas in his purest, truest form. The scars, the butterfly-necklace made from wire... With a little service, granted. ;3)
I've been working on their story on and off. Tuomas and his girlfriend-but-not-really Vanessa are pretty much the best characters I've made up, ever. The only painful thing is the "he looks like Badou from DOGS"-part... Because I swear to god, he's not based on him. I think I liked the eyepatch-idea, but that's about it.
I can remember how I created Tuomas... Their story was a different back then, I wanted to write something about German mythology, inspired by "American Gods" by Gaiman. Tuomas was Loki then, and I needed an eternity to decide not to call him Loki, but Tuomas -- he always kept the shirt with "Loki" printed on it though. (Ironically though, now he's "Tuomas 'Low Key' Valentin", because I think maybe the idea about mythology wasn't that bad, it just had to be... better!) Then I felt like I couldn't use him, and told Uly to make him one of his mutants, because he still had "No. 44, Loki" somewhere, dead, in his triology. He was the one who came up with the idea of a drug-addict, a small girl, at his side, who later on became Vanessa... I think I was the one who named her. Uly made him a hitman, using his ability to blow up things, a concept I adopted later on to creakte my "new" Tuomas... No longer "Loki" but then "Sol". That must have been around the time I created these:
My memory is, truth to be spoken, a little vague. Maybe I mix up a few things, but that's basically how I came up with him. He had to be red-haired, he was Loki. They had to be long as well, because I dig long-haired man. He got sulfuric-colored eyes, because he was Loki. He had the gray pants I adored, he had the trenchcoat, he was sitting on rooftops at night, he was a chain smoker, he was addicted to coffee (the one thing ALL my main characters have in common! xD), antisocial, more cynic than HOUSE MD, an asshole through and through, a great, believable character with his principles, with good and bad traits (more bad traits thoufg xD), all that... The eyepatch, well... I dunno why Badou wears it (okay, he's got that scar, but I don't think his backstory is cleared yet)(aaaah need to catch up!), but Tuomas got his eyeball popped out by Ferry when he tried to protect Vanessa... Maybe that one is based on Badou. And with that, he ended up looking like him.
I finished the story, started to hate it pretty soon after (such good characters, such a crappy story! Why can I only create plots for other people!), then my friendship with Ma ended, and Tuomas was just one of my old OCs, alongside so many others... (Angoe, Lomeelinde anyone?)
I would change his looks, I naturally would. I've redone so many of my characters after a while, but as for Tuomas, I wouldn't know... He needs all of this, the red hair, the yellow eyes, the scars around neck, wrists and ankles (new reason needed though! I can't let him be imprisioned on the goddamned seal for forever. D:), okay, so maybe he doesn't need the eyepatch anymore. (It does add drama, tough.) But alltogether, he feels... kind of... unchangeable. I wouldn't want to change the way he dresses (gray jeans, black Convere, black sweater, trenchoat, and post-story the green parka, the necklace Vanessa gave him as a lucky charm...), because it doesn't feel right. If I change any of this, he won't be Tuomas Valentin anymore.

Point of all this is, anyway, that the pic Mue drew reminded me in a very hurtfully way how much I love Tuomas, and that I don't want to give him up... But that I have neither inspiration nor... the need to write. Like, ever. I could quit writing completely and I guess I'm at a point where it wouldn't... bother me anymore.
And that scares me.