oh hello meowmeow stab!

her lips were almost




and never again

these days

with a pure heart

i tell you that

the lyrics of pm dawn are the most true of anything ever ever

ever






(boner city)

Males of Ordinary Sadness

nbsp;        So this is how it ends, you weeping on your way to work and me, 6:15 a.m. at Tony's place, two Budweisers and a double Kessler's. It was 7:12 a.m. in a dive bar on Geary street when I knew my life needed to change or it would end poorly, and soon. And then next it was 7:23 and i had forgotten about all of that and had another Michelob, another old granddad. Roy Orbison on the goddamned juke box.

nbsp;        You dumped me in a bowling alley parking lot just after league play. That night I cried and drank, drank and cried. I managed to wake up early the next morning and here I am. I am trying to stuff these new red hot blues down as far as they will go as soon as possible, for a good enough spell. Eventually I will either stop this, not stop this or start all over again. This is my pyrrhic medicine. When life ends me I will either have choked on this or on a woman.

nbsp;        I thought about not doing any thinking. I did pretty well with that until some chickie walked in. I could no longer not think. She had two tits and some random chromosomes. It's always something.

nbsp;        Like a genuine prick I was on stage. I downed what I had then ordered a double with a deep voice and some swagger. I said "Phil, hit me twice" he looked up from his racing form with a "what the fuck?" look then saw me looking at the skirt, shook his head and said, equally as loud "the usual, Mr. thick". I saw her look up with interest. I nodded, she....well...she wouldn't have smiled if I dropped my trousers and a chariot flew out. I saw Phil chuckle then unfold and refold the papers and set them down on the bar. He came up and sat down the two glasses with a good solid thump. He and I had agreed about 12 years earlier that when ordering a double to impress the ladies it is always more dramatic to have two single shots instead of one big shot. He said, loud enough "this one is on the arm, boss" winking. I knew damn well it wasn't going to be free. She looked up again and I curled a long strand of hair behind her ear. She look at me as though I were paint drying.  I gave Phil the thank you nod, subtle, like I was the godfather. I cleared my throat so she would look and picked up one of the shots, nodded to it, raised it to an absent lover then downed it. The next one followed post haste. I looked down and to the right and nodded in melancholy. I stared into blank space, like I was Bogart or Mitchum or Bronson.or...Woody Allen...

nbsp;        Peripherally I saw her put down her book, look towards me with some sort of tangible longing. I just knew her loins were ablaze or at least slightly above room temperature. I went back to my beer, she went back to her book.....it was Raymond Carver! I was in like goddamned Flynn. Wally Flynn, Errol's retarded half brother...but still.

nbsp;        Old good Johnny cash came on the box and I nodded to nothing in particular and said loud enough...."get rhythm?...hell..when I get the blues I get drunk and i get onion rings and ranch dressing and..and..hot sauce!".

nbsp;        She smiled at me with a star in her eye..or was it pity..a pity star?....anyways….I asked her how she was…..the word she used was "restless"..or maybe it was "busy" not sure. She didn't move down three barstools though. She probably was a lonely school teacher, third grade maybe…desirous of some strange. And god knows I am as strange as fuck. I squinted at her. She smiled and asked "you read much?" and I said for some reason "oh boy do I?"…..and then I knew our future was sealed….kids…house….trash compactor…cable channels. I told her Carver was an influence..she said on who..and from there it went swimmingly. If it were an epileptic trying to swim in a vat of frozen horseshit.

nbsp;        Joni Mitchell came on...it was "River"...I will be properly sad for the next few drinking hours because this jukebox is in the hands of a master.

how to love your depressed lover.

Last night I thought I kissed
the loneliness from out your belly button.
I thought I did, but later you sat up,
all bones and restless hands, and told me 
there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.

I never know what to say to these things.
“It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.”
“Please don’t go away again.”

Sometimes you are gone for days at a time
and it is all I can do not to call the police,
file a missing person’s report, even though
you are right there, still sleeping next to me
in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house
in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders.

Except in this case I am the intruder and you
are already locked up so tight that no one
could possibly jimmy their way in.

Last night I thought I gave you a reason
not to be so sad when I held your body like
a high note and we both trembled from the effort.

Some people, though, are sad against all reason,
all sensibility, all love. I know better now.
I know what to say to the things you admit to me
in the dark, all bones and restless hands

“It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.”
“Please come back to me again.”

if i had a river...

In order of preference

1. manhattan

2. stardust memories

3. play it again, sam

4. annie hall

5. radio days

6. sweet and lowdown

7. interiors

8. september

9. bullets over broadway

10. broadway danny rose

11. zelig

12. take the money and run

13. husbands and wives

14. love and death

15. crimes and misdemeanors

16. another woman

17. bananas

18. anything else

19. deconstructing harry

20. mighty aphrodite

21. match point

22. a midsummer night's sex comedy

23. vicky cristina barcelona

24. manhattan murder mystery

25. alice

26. everyone says i love you

27. the purple rose of cairo

28. everything you've always wanted to know  about sex*

29. sleeper

30. what's up, pussycat?

31. midnight in paris

32. you will meet a tall dark stranger

33. melinda and melinda

34. celebrity

35. shadows and fog

36. hollywood ending

37. curse of the jade scorpion

Not seen: whatever works, scoop, cassandra's dream

i am single,


she's a jar with a heavy lid


and i am no longer a match

for her
quiet.

they say every man goes blind in his heart





and they say everybody steals somebody's heart away.....

what she wants: me to not be messy and to ask her to marry her

what i want: her, for once in our goddamned relationship, to initiate sex










the gulf between is an ancient ocean's wide....

at a starbucks on harbor street in costa mesa near newport...and i have piss and vinegar on the brain.....i am sour....tense.....kinda hung over.....and some goddamned jamaican fellow is telling me through the speakers above that i got to lively up myself.......


i am upset over the fucking girlfriend.....which seems to be a theme recurring...we had not seen one another for more than a week and i dropped by her new place yesterday to surprise her.....i stood outside and called her on the phone...she answered lazily....told me that she was gonna make today a lazy day..then i knocked on her door...she seemed surprised that that someone was there but not happy at all or at least pleased to see me...

i stepped through the doorway and she gave me a swift hug, i told her i needed the parking pass to put in my car..that i would only be there for a bit.....and she gave me her keys to get it.......when i came back in she was in the kitchen cleaning, putterin...i went into the kitchen and put my arms out...she looked at me then came into me, i rubbed her back and gave her a big hug....and she patted my back a few times...i felt like i was a puppy or a four year old.... then she went back to puttering...i took a rag out of her hand and said "sweetheart..i am here to see you..." she grabbed it back and said i just need to clean up a bit.....i went into the dining room and she came too..i pointed towards the couch and said, let's relax....she sighed and pulled out a dining room chair and said, sit here....and she pulled up a chair...i moved my chair real close to her and started rubbing her legs....her arms...i was thrilled to see her, i wanted closeness....after a while she was not reciprocating so i moved my chair back....

i said "do you want to cuddle and she she breathed deeply then sighed then looked at me, with nothing in her eyes really...and said..i do and i don't........she said "i need to go get some groceries and stuff"...i looked at her.......and said.."you told me earlier you just wanted to make today a lazy day...here i am and i want to spend some time with you...."...she sighed and reiterated that she needed to go get groceries....she asked if i wanted to go with her and the kids to get groceries and i said no...i wanted time with just her, relaxing....

she looked at me, then started fidgeting with something....i took it out of her hands....she looked at me...i said.."alright...i'm gonna go"...she said "come on david don't start this again"......and i said "no...i wanted some david and diana time and you keep bringing up things you have to do which you know you could do a little later....and you are just choosing not to spend your time with me, now i am going to get your car pass.....let me know when you have time for me.."...i got the pass, brought it back in, put it on the table in front of her..her head was in her hands.....and i left....."..oh i was in a sour sour mood..

the first thing i wanted to do was go home and drink some beer and whiskey,,and i did..a little too much...later on ...maybe an hour after i left her i noticed she posted some random question on a picture i had posted the previous day....and that made me angrier.....that she could not hang out with me because she had things to do, and yet here she was on facebook.......it just does not add up... not that i am a mathematician but..i like things in matters of the heart to add up....