No Maps Here

So...I'm getting divorced.

I never thought I'd be 28 and divorced but I guess there's a lot of life you can't plan for at all.

There's no real bad guy in this situation, though I guess John would disagree with me since I'm the one who initiated this whole thing. Which, honestly, doesn't make me any less sad about the dissolution of our marriage. We've been married for almost 5 years, in a relationship for about 7 years and been friends for almost 12 years. A huge chunk of my life is with him and I have no idea how to move on to the next part of my life.

That being said - I know I can't be married anymore. Not just to him though...I don't think I couldn't be married to anyone at this point. I got married way too young and I'm just so unhappy with the whole state of marriage.

But it breaks my heart to be breaking his heart.

...why do I always want popcorn (or something equally junk food-y) between 1am-2am when I should be SLEEPING, but I'm not because ME WANT POPCORN. God, that is so obnoxious. Meh.

Who are you??

...and I've been hooking as many people on the show as I possible can!

So my BFF/co-worker, K, is completely addicted to Supernatural and is wrapping up Season 2 this week (and has since gotten one of her best friends addicted as well (she finished Season 1 in just a couple of weeks!). K is totally in love with Dean and with Jared (yeah, I know - isn't that adorable??) and I have been slowing introducing her to fanfic in general and J-Squared RPS in particular. She's already read one of my all-time favorite SPN RPS fics - Sugar, We're Going Down by strippedpink - but I didn't keep tabs on all of my favorites and I've been gone for a while so I don't know where to find the most recent and awesome fic.

Do any of you guys have any recommendations?? Please let me know of any/all of your SPN or SPN RPS favorites!!
I'm reading everything I can - but I know you guys have fabulous taste!

Thanks so much - I really want K to be as hooked on the amazing fic as I have been so far.

My apologies for all the ranting last time. **shudders** And my poor husband didn't deserve such a strongly worded rant - but he'll never read it, so at least it was a good outlet for me.

I guess every one has a breaking point.

So, we watched "I Am Legend" today - and I'm not going to be a spoiler, but it was not at all the movie I thought I was getting myself into and I kinda wished someone HAD spoiled me. Kinda sorta. Definitely an intense movie. Good, but intense.

EDIT: And Will Smith was SMOKING HOT and I think, personally, in the best shape ever!

Wow, it feels like it's been forever since I've posted on LJ. But I'm really, really glad to be back. :D

So...I was having a discussion with situationgirl the other night about getting older and how, for some people, that means letting go of drinking or smoking or doing drugs. People aren't always anti- those things, but they just chose to stay away. Or they get to a place where that's not part of their experience of having fun.

Basically, we were discussing being grown up and some of the things that entails.

This was my response:
I'm still struggling with not trying to escape anymore. I often hate being a grown up. I hate having a somewhat crappy job that stresses me out but that I need in order to live not on the street and with food. I hate not buying fun stuff because there are too many bills to pay. And I really, really hate that being a grown up has made me so bitter and whiny. So, yeah. *poof* I'm better now.

It's not all bad. There are good things about being an adult. I've been in a fairly healthy, happy (exclusive) relationship for over 4 years. Go me!

I think, in some ways, I've become more uptight as I've gotten older. So sometimes I feel like I need something...like a drink or a smoke or a drug...to let go and just have a good time. I used to just..let go. Remember pretending to be uproariously drunk in Moore Hall? Falling up the stairs? hehe. I don't have that kind of fun that often anymore. I miss that. Even when I have a drink or whatever I just chill. It's not some crazy fun time. I wish there were more crazy fun times in my life currently. But, often, cray fun gets me into crazy trouble. So...yeah.

Does that makes sense?

I don't know if anyone else gets that or is on the same page or has been on the same page - but I just wanted to put it out there...see if anyone else has something to say, too.

I know, after the last post, I said I'd be around more but...

About 2 days later we rushed my Gram (who's also my best friend and one of the most awesome women living on the planet Earth) to the hospital. She had pneumonia and she almost died. But she didn't die. She's doing SO much better and we were all excited and she was supposed to go home tomorrow....

But we just found out today that she has lung cancer. CANCER. I am, of course, losing my shit a bit. A lot. But there's still so much the doctors don't know yet. I'm not crying right this second though, and that's something. But we don't know if she's coming home. We don't know if it's spread anywhere else. We don't know dick.

But yeah. That's where I've been. Plus, I'm getting shit at work (I've left work in tears no fewer than 3 times in the past week). Plus, John's sick. Plus my brother-in-law just got called up from the Army Reserves and is leaving in a couple of weeks. And my mom's about to move, because her new place sucks. And we're about to move in less than 2 months. Plus there has been a lot of Noah and the Ark type weather around here which has been shitty.

I'm exhausted. But I'm...trying to stay hopeful.

Yeah. June sucks.

I thought if I stopped and waited about 24 hours I could pull my shit together enough to talk about the VM Season Finale. I was wrong. Sorta. Maybe. But I will say... ( Collapse )
Ok...so that was somewhat coherent.

Wow. It's been awhile. *sigh*

But I've been sick and work has been crazy. I'm actually having a minor (very minor, the non-cutting you open (mostly) kind) surgical procedure done tomorrow. Something is possibly very wrong with my bladder...which has been not-fun. So they're gonna go in and check things out via a cystoscopy. I've had one before. Twice. And I have a really rough time with them.
( Collapse )
Anyway, any procedure where it's insanely painful and they put me to sleep equals surgery to me.

Since I've been going to like 2 or 3 doctor's appointments a week I have had to stay late a lot at work to make up my hours. And that doesn't leave me a lot of time for much of anything these days. But God am I glad I finally have health insurance.

I still LOVE my job and things are still going really well overall. I got my first "talking to" today from my boss. Which sucked, but she was really nice about it all. And very reassuring and just awesome. Basically I'm too direct and I have to learn to soft-glove it more with our clinicians. Plus, apparently the atmosphere at our company is very "old-school". As in, when you're the new kid, you're not supposed to participate in Meetings with Superiors. Don't speak unless you're spoken to, etc. Which is definitely rough for me because I like being in on the process and participating. But I can definitely learn to keep my trap shut. It's not the end of the world. And I have to learn to not show up others (which was never my intention, but that is apparently the occasional by-product of being on top of my shit). And even after ending up in tears (I really hate being misconstrued and it's upsetting to me that I might accidentally hurt someone else's feelings, especially when they are a super-nice person) I still love my job. Which is both surprising and pretty damn cool.

So...I did find out how my sister's dad died: ( Collapse )

But yeah...life is just chugging along at a breakneck speed and I wish I had more free time. I miss LJ. I miss my Flist. A LOT! I can't even go back enough entries to catch up my Flist anymore. It stops at 300. And God...300 is a lot all by it's damn self. But hopefully (post-surgery, post-diagnosis, post-working late or 10 hour work days) I'll be able to at least get back to keeping up and commenting a bit around LJ.

And OH MY GOD I'm dying to talk about VM but I can't. Not like I want to...Because I would have to make another whole post. Because I wouldn't want to spoil anyone who isn't current. But. Yeah. GOD!( Collapse )

So that's everything. Mostly. I miss you guys. Take care. Catch y'all post-recovery.

Thank you so much.
All of your words of love, support and compassion have been so encouraging to me.

This has been a really rough week, but you are all helping to make things better for me. I'm so lucky to have you as my friends! I love you all. And, again, thanks.