sweeney's journal

Well once again I screwed up my diet! Why the fuck do I do that? I always spoil myself. I always do really well all day, and than that night I fuck things up. I hate it when I do that.

 I need self control back into my life. It isn’t fair. I used to be able to lose weight with out a PROBLEM! Taking that break was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever make.

Today is a new day, I am going to stick to this diet today! I mean it. I can’t have this a part of my everyday life. It has been like this for a year almost. EVERY night I say tomorrow I will do better on my diet, I won’t give up or give in to ANY temptations . . .  and yet for some reason I just lie and lie to myself! I mean it; I will stick to my diet today!

Hey. It is day two on my diet. I woke up late today, which is a good thing. If I was up I just would’ve wanted to eat and eat. .

 I think tonight I am going to the movies with my mother. This is a good thing I guess, but it is also a bad thing because I may get the temptation of candy. . I decided that I am going to bring a special K bar with me so when I DO want chocolate, I’ll have something to substitute it with. So its win – win.

So far today I had a cup of one hundred calorie pack cappuccino (pretty self explanatory how many calories are in a pack). I know I shouldn’t have had that. It’s going to hold me over for a while though. .

I think I am going to walk on the treadmill for a good twenty minutes . . . that will burn off the hundred calories, than I’ll take another nap.

It is Saturday and it is boring! My mom has to work a party; she will probably come home and have nothing to show for it too. She’s a waitress and she tries hard to make ends meet, but she still struggles. My mom is a single mother who does really well. She raised two daughters all by herself; I give her a lot of credit. When ever I sneak into her handbag to take out a five for laxatives, I don’t think about that though. . . I sometimes feel like such a bad daughter! I hate myself, but I feel as if I have to do this you know? I wish I could just be honest with her.

I haven’t taken a laxative in a long, long time. I was so addicted to them . . . my mother caught me at least five times. You think I would learn. I taken advantage of her so many times, and yet she still didn’t put me away. There were so many people in the back ground saying Eileen should be hospitalized she has a problem, yet my mom never gave in, not ONCE. I should respect her more, but for some reason respecting her doesn’t go through my head while I’m trying to lose weight, the only person I think of at that time is myself.

I have a Father Figure named Dan. He became like a father to me four years ago. We used to get a long, than my mom and him stopped talking. I took out all of my anger on my mom, when I should have taken it out on him. Dan is a controlling asshole. He was one of the people telling my mom to put me away. He doesn’t know anything about my weight issues. He thinks I have a problem and I really don’t! it is my decision, if I wanted to stop I could stop. It isn’t uncontrollable. When I am actually sticking to a diet I have control over it. He needs to understand that he will never understand anything about this obsession! I try telling him this and he just DOESN’T listen. He thinks it is a problem, and it can be fixed. Well first off like I said before, it is not a problem! Second of all if it was, the way he goes about fixing it is just wrong! He will sit there and yell at me, telling me what a bad kid I am. He also tries to make me eat food, BAD food such as hamburgers and such. Food that I am not going to just eat, it’s a given that I will sit there and stare at it, eat it slowly and than purge it up. . . He drives me insane! Than mean while at the time, I was in the palm of his controlling finger! I would cry every night and take it out on the wrong person. . . my mother! 

There was once a time when dan tried to put me on a scale. He did it in front of like ten people to see if I gained weight! I was so embarrassed. I hate getting on a scale ALONE let alone in front of an audience. I don’t know why I ever got involved with him, I say he’s a father figure but my real father was nothing like this. I wish he was still around L

Ok well I’m going to stop sulking. . . I have too much stuff to do to be depressed

Bye.

     It is four in the morning I should be sleeping. Of course being an insomniac doesn’t help much. Every day is the same ritual; I get up extremely early, make tons of these promises to myself that I will abide and than I sit there and watch myself break those promises every night! I am by far sick of it!

    For the past two years I have been promising myself that I will stick to my diet. I don’t exactly know why, but I can’t seem to stay focused. Every night I say the same thing “oh it’s ok; I’ll just start tomorrow…” Tomorrow never works out. Neither does the day after. I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again, and mean while I am getting more and more depressed as each day passes.

 
     I wouldn’t get so stressed out if I knew that I couldn’t do it. The thing is I CAN do it, I proved it to myself before. I began watching what I ate when I was in the seventh grade; I lost twelve pounds from it. in my freshmen year of high school I watched what I ate and lost fifteen pounds. If I were able to do it than without a problem, why can’t I do it now? The fact that I was younger drives me crazy, you think because I am older now I could have more self control . . . but instead I somehow have LESS self control. It’s not fair.

     I need to find that self control I once had. I can’t keep living my life unhappily. I need to take control of my life. The only way I am going to find true happiness is through weight loss. I need to do something, and I need to do it fast! Starting tomorrow, September 27, 2008 I WILL stick to a diet. I am promising myself this right now. There will be no more ok I’ll just start tomorrow I am going to start tomorrow and there will be no excuses! I have to learn self discipline and I need to quit spoiling myself.

Starting tomorrow there will be a new Eileen Sweeney in town.

Good night, I am going to try to get some sleep, I will more than likely talk to you a couple times tomorrow to tell you about my success.

Bye